Hunbunscarybitch is still here

[Hunbunscarybitch]

I've posted about this before only under another name. If you've read this previously then I'm sorry if I'm boring anyone to death....so here goes:

In our 50s, 2nd marriage of 14 years. First 2 -3 years of marriage were fantastic and I thought , somewhat naively, I'd met my "soul mate". He was fantastic in helping me bring up my teenage children, for which I will always be grateful. They are grown up now.

About ten years ago, I had a gut feeling things weren't right. We'd been through a lot of stress with my children, H's job and my dad was terminally ill. H was snappy and seemed disinterested in me. I've never snooped before but I looked in his wallet and found a "no strings " sex website written down. I confronted him and he said it must've "fell" in his wallet off his computer screen ( one of his colleagues had stuck it there as a joke). When I pointed out it was in his hand writing he told me he was looking at a friend's fwb profile. When I didn't believe that he admitted he hadn't looked at website but copied it down out of curiosity. My dad died 2 days later so I "parked" that but if ever I brought it up he was very annoyed.

So the last ten years...... I love my H dearly. He's kind to animals, caring to his elderly parents, makes me laugh. However, he won't go on holidays as he says he's too stressed with work. We haven't been for even a weekend away. I must admit I've resented this and I've communicated this to him and he always says " there'll be time for us in the future " . I haven't moped about and I have had fantastic holidays over the years with friends and family. I have a great social life and a wonderful job. The only thing missing in my life is being made to feel special by my H. He works away and when he's at home he's often working on his laptop at the weekends or visiting his elderly parents. In my heart, I know things haven't been right and I've tried to talk to him and even write to him but nothing has changed despite him saying he put more time into our marriage.

The last six months I thought things were improving as we started going to the gym together and going for meals. In November however, my son was looking in the garage and my H's bag toppled over ( his car was being serviced so he'd put contents of boot in the garage) and out fell condoms ( in date) and viagra. I made a frenzied search of another bag and I found a different make of condom which was obviously from a multi pack. Confronted H and he nonchalantly said " oh I should have thrown them away " . He then said he'd bought them for my son - lies. He then expected me to believe he'd pressed the wrong button on the machine!! The viagra he said didn't work as he'd tried one , on his own, out of interest, so it was a fake pub machine one.A week later he admitted he'd wanted sex with someone else but didn't do it.........

So, I don't know about you but would you believe a man would go to the trouble of buying condoms on 2 different occasions plus viagra without a plan or a particular woman, be it a work colleague or an escort in mind? This is the story he's sticking to after all these weeks and he will not say anything apart from "I didn't go through with it" and " I had no one in mind". He acts like I'm crazy woman not believing him. Please could you give me your honest opinion? I intend to show him this thread.

His reasons for not going on holiday are ; he's too busy at work and he doesn't get holiday pay as works for himself, he has very elderly parents who he doesn't like to leave, we have animals he doesn't trust anyone to look after.
After I discovered the condoms he did suggest he came on this holiday but I was so upset I said I didn't want him to come. I need this holiday so badly just to get my head together

Delete 'very elderly parents' and insert 'other woman'.

The excuse about not wanting to leave his parents frustrates me as his sister, who is their main carer, goes on holiday with her husband. It takes a lot of effort arranging alternative care but she does it as she values her marriage.
I like my SIL and BIL very much and I'm ashamed to say I'm jealous of them. They are in their early 60s and still loving and affectionate with each other. When I see them together I get a pain in the pit of my stomach. How pathetic is that. Likewise, when I'm on holiday and I see couples together I sometimes ( not all the time ) feel that same visceral pain

I'm not sure there is another woman but there again I'm not sure of anything anymore. I feel completely mind fucked. Just seeing those condoms and knowing what his intention was has devastated me.

Asshole. Don't make excuses for him. I know it's hard but rip the plaster off. You deserve better.

The problem as I see it is you're waiting for a definite answer to hang your leaving of or ending of the marriage. It's like you need permission. Or strength.

I was manipulated and gaslit in my previous marriage. I found emails confirming a flight to/from Germany over a weekend my exH had told me he was doing a training weekend in wales. When confronted he admited to going to Germany to meet a friend he'd made on a sporting holiday (one of the holidays he went on when I went alone with my parents and our children who were both under 7 at that time). The reason he hadn't told me and had lied? Because I was so insecure he couldn't be "honest" about friendships with women... and I fucking believed him and tried to work on myself more (ie lose weight) in order that I felt better and wouldn't be jealous.

What happened to give me strength to see him for the abusive arse he was? I got cancer. Yep. I got cancer and realised that actually I am a strong and capable woman. I am worth a shitload more than he ever ever thought. At the end of my treatment I actually popped into his work one lunchtime following my daily radiotherapy (that I drove myself 50 mile round trip for four weeks) and he was at lunch with "a colleague". It was all a bit odd and she rushed off. Weeks later he was always on his phone, deleting history etc. I confronted him looking for proof etc. But there never was any. This time though I knew it wasn't good enough. I was worth more than this awful sick feeling every single day. I was and I now knew it. I told him to leave.
(A year- yep a whole year- later I found out he was indeed seeing that girl from work and he actually moved in with her 6 months after he left me. I didn't find out for another 6 months whilst he told me he was "finding himself" and "might want to work on our marriage some day". I divorced him. Arse.)

Please OP I do know that feeling but I also know you are worth so much more than this and than him. Please end it. And accept you may never get the answers you seek- but you don't need them to know this isn't right.

I'm so sorry Isadora you had to go through that but I'm so very glad you found your strength

Probably his plans when you go on holiday is to shag around. Probably what he's done for years

Yes I doubt he will be lonely while you are away.

You are still drinking his Kool Aid. The condoms were more than intentions. Two brands? Spares from multi packs?

And yes, the fact that your SIL manages to get a break from the parents tells you that he COULD, he just won't / doesn't.

The smell of coffee is overpowering. Wake up!

You don't need to endure this humiliating misery. You have good friends, and a great life out there waiting for you.

If anyone believes his complete crock of shit excuse, they're deluded, naive or on the sniff.

He sounds like a wrong un'

Thank you hunbun but you too have that strength.
I have a lovely husband now and two more children who complete my life beyond my wildest dreams. Your happily ever after is out there too but you have the power to find it xxx

Yes he's following the typical script, gas-lighting you and minimising.

The "people on the internet don't know us" is just another aspect of it.

My ex when I showed a thread about him, said MN were all a bunch of nasty dried out man hating old bags with nothing better to do. Never once admitting his behaviour was abhorrent.

It will drive you into a state of depression and make you question your sanity op. And each day you stay with that man you are losing the opportunity of a day of happiness and freedom.

You will each day find out a little bit more of the lie, and then it will take you back to square one in dealing with your feelings of trust and betrayal.

8 times I caught my ex reregistered on Adultfriendfinder sweetheart. 8 stupid times I forgave him.

First was to look at naked pictures of real women. (Because they don't exist anywhere else on the internet )

It was free, what was the harm?

Then I found the next one with Gold membership payment email. (You need this to message members to meet for sex)

He was only looking, for, you know, thrills. Never going to actually do it, right?

Next I found him back on again, profile changed with grinning little turd profile photo from his Facebook site, hilarious user name, and a lovely but heartbreaking description of how his wife was frigid and cold but he was going to soldier through the marriage for the sake of his 4 year old son. (Yay tell strangers on a fuck site intimate details of our life). I think I'd had sex with him the same week I read that. Also stick by me meant cocklodge on me (I'd just taken him to the Maldives).

I called in a counsellor by telling his Families Officer everything (we were a military family) and he sat and lied through counselling about how sorry he was...then screamed at me afterwards for letting someone know the personal details of our life....ah, the irony.....

But it seemed to stop....I thought. I mean he promised right?

Went on a trip months later to meet him at a foreign posting. Hadn't seen him for nine weeks. Put DC to bed, he goes to the store to buy some treats, settle down for some romantic time. His laptop is on, and something in me just said look, look.

And there was a letter in word that was sent to another user of the site. I've never done this, I'm quite nervous, I want to meet you....

He walked into the room and I'm ashamed to say I was so furious and shaking after months of empty promises that I slapped him.

He told me he wrote it, but he never sent it. You see?

I'm also ashamed to say that for the sake of my baby boy I forgave him two more times, even when we moved countries and I found another profile in a different language for our tiny village, with sons school hours for availability (would have to be morning fucks you see, he was a stay at home cheating cunt.

All along he lied and laughed, lied and laughed.

You know the worse thing I did? I kept it all in. His behaviour reflected on me, by telling others I was hurting him. That's what the Internet strangers comments are about.

Your own son is disgusted by him. Take the lead from him. Tell one of your friends on holiday if you have a chance and watch their faces and listen to their feedback.

Don't keep his dirty secret, don't let it take your soul and trust and joy away.

And look up co-dependency.

Are you feeding off this misery?

OP, I asked that because I notice that you respond to others who report living in / with this misery or suffering mental health damage because if living with an emotionally abusive gas lighting liar in a spirit of mutual sympathy. As if you want support and sympathy for your misery, but less so support to leave this man.

He may Well have issues: intimacy or commitment issues, addiction to thrills and physical sex, he may feel
Sexually inadequate, or he may just be a straightforward cheating womaniser . What is certain is that he has no respect for you, does not communicate with you, is not prepared to address his own behaviour and therefore even try to make you happy.

Have a long look at yourself, OP. Take some pride , take your OWN decision.

Otherwise, get on with livjng a half life, humiliated in front of your son , unable to be honest with your friends, and looking for sympathy and validation for that pathetic state of affairs on MN.

Oh and my ex loved animals, but then even Hitler was kind to dogs.

'People on there don't know us' basically means 'I cannot control and gaslight them, so I will alienate you by pretending this is a unique situation and you just do not understand me'.

he's too busy at work and he doesn't get holiday pay as works for himself, he has very elderly parents who he doesn't like to leave, we have animals he doesn't trust anyone to look after

And he gets to have sex whilst you are not around.

Come on OP - unless you are particularly enjoying this, you need to wake up.

I'm reading all your comments, than you again.
Ineedmorpledge how are you doing now? Re animals - Hitler was a vegetarian wasn't he?
Please can I assure you I'm not enjoying this wallowing in my own misery, not one little bit.

My last sentence wasn't to you Ineedmorpledge by the way

Op, your DH is lying to you and you are not crazy. You would be an idiot to stay married to such a crap husband now that you know you can never trust him.

Your DH is like one of those dogs that can't stop rubbing up against every leg he sees. Unless you castrate him to take away the urge he will never ever change his behaviour. At least a dog would be happy to go on holiday with you!

Hi OP, sorry to say it but I think he's using a hook-up site like Fabswingers. There are a lot of people on there who are married and use their time away with work to meet up with people for sex.

There isn't any point showing him this thread, he isn't likely to come clean just because some strangers don't trust his story.

Silentp yep castration would certainly be the only way I trust him to be faithful
I've decided I'm not showing him this thread. I am reading a book I ordered called " Leave a cheater gain a life - The Chump lady's guide to survival "
I've read bit by the Chump Lady before and this book gives excellent advice and making me laugh at the same time.
I'm only at the start of it but one point she made was, as a lot of you have made on here, don't try and coax the truth out of them as they just try and manipulate you more.

Yes MattBerrys hair , I think you're right. He has quite an addictive personality and after our "honeymoon " period he no longer fancied me and looked elsewhere. When I've noticed him eye up other women, which he does often, to the extent my children and mother have commented on, his favourite saying is "I can be on a diet and still look at the menu can't I?" Charming I'm sure!

I'm relieved you've decided not to show him the thread!

When I saw it was you I thought 'god how many times does she need to post about the same blatantly obvious cheating and disrespect and dysfunction and be told the same things?!'

I also thought 'god if he sees the thread he is just going to say some version of 'it is just ppl on the internet'' and then make you feel bad about posting on MN at every opportunity.

You seem to be making great progress now. Ultimately you will likely never have a definitive answer as to whether he had cheated or not to the level of proof you will be happy with but what I suggest you focus on is just how unacceptable his actual behaviour actually is, he shows you no respect and no commitment.