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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Hunbunscarybitch is still here

182 replies

Hunbunscarybitch · 27/01/2017 18:25

I've posted about this before only under another name. If you've read this previously then I'm sorry if I'm boring anyone to death....so here goes:

In our 50s, 2nd marriage of 14 years. First 2 -3 years of marriage were fantastic and I thought , somewhat naively, I'd met my "soul mate". He was fantastic in helping me bring up my teenage children, for which I will always be grateful. They are grown up now.

About ten years ago, I had a gut feeling things weren't right. We'd been through a lot of stress with my children, H's job and my dad was terminally ill. H was snappy and seemed disinterested in me. I've never snooped before but I looked in his wallet and found a "no strings " sex website written down. I confronted him and he said it must've "fell" in his wallet off his computer screen ( one of his colleagues had stuck it there as a joke). When I pointed out it was in his hand writing he told me he was looking at a friend's fwb profile. When I didn't believe that he admitted he hadn't looked at website but copied it down out of curiosity. My dad died 2 days later so I "parked" that but if ever I brought it up he was very annoyed.

So the last ten years...... I love my H dearly. He's kind to animals, caring to his elderly parents, makes me laugh. However, he won't go on holidays as he says he's too stressed with work. We haven't been for even a weekend away. I must admit I've resented this and I've communicated this to him and he always says " there'll be time for us in the future " . I haven't moped about and I have had fantastic holidays over the years with friends and family. I have a great social life and a wonderful job. The only thing missing in my life is being made to feel special by my H. He works away and when he's at home he's often working on his laptop at the weekends or visiting his elderly parents. In my heart, I know things haven't been right and I've tried to talk to him and even write to him but nothing has changed despite him saying he put more time into our marriage.

The last six months I thought things were improving as we started going to the gym together and going for meals. In November however, my son was looking in the garage and my H's bag toppled over ( his car was being serviced so he'd put contents of boot in the garage) and out fell condoms ( in date) and viagra. I made a frenzied search of another bag and I found a different make of condom which was obviously from a multi pack. Confronted H and he nonchalantly said " oh I should have thrown them away " . He then said he'd bought them for my son - lies. He then expected me to believe he'd pressed the wrong button on the machine!! The viagra he said didn't work as he'd tried one , on his own, out of interest, so it was a fake pub machine one.A week later he admitted he'd wanted sex with someone else but didn't do it.........

So, I don't know about you but would you believe a man would go to the trouble of buying condoms on 2 different occasions plus viagra without a plan or a particular woman, be it a work colleague or an escort in mind? This is the story he's sticking to after all these weeks and he will not say anything apart from "I didn't go through with it" and " I had no one in mind". He acts like I'm crazy woman not believing him. Please could you give me your honest opinion? I intend to show him this thread.

OP posts:
Peanutbutterrules · 27/01/2017 20:46

He doesn't respect you enough to tell you the truth - he expects you to buy this pile of lies? Honest to God. He's a liar and a cheat. LTB

ShowOfHands · 27/01/2017 21:14

This isn't living op. This isn't all you're worth. He can't even respect you enough to be honest.

TempusEedjit · 27/01/2017 21:36

If it was a friend I'd be offering the same advice but I've been blindsided by the person I trusted and I feel very vulnerable.

But why did you trust him when he already showed himself to be untrustworthy 10 years ago? You have not been blindsided by him, he was actually running straight at you with his lies but like a rabbit in the headlights you've been paralysed by the fear of leaving.

You will never get the truth from him because deep down both you and he know that you don't actually want it.

happypoobum · 27/01/2017 22:25

Just bin him. He is taking the piss out of you big time.

HarmlessChap · 27/01/2017 22:46

Well viagra requires a prescription, it can be bought online by answering a questionnaire which counts as a consultation and has to be overseen by a doctor or prescribing pharmacist. So there has been some effort involved and no pub is going to have a fake viagra machine in the bogs.

He bought it to use, as he did the condoms. If its not with you then its with someone else.

Time to walk.

TheStoic · 27/01/2017 22:53

Gosh, he thinks you're stupid, doesn't he?

Has he always believed himself superior to you? I bet he's always believed you're incredibly lucky to have him.

Valentine2 · 27/01/2017 23:03

I remember your thread. I think when stories keep changing, the person is lying obvviously and I don't think trust can come back for a person with this history.
You are going through a tough time OP so I won't be harsh. But I think I do not understand the point of posting it here yet again. I think you did get all the answers on your last thread.

Scarlettablue · 27/01/2017 23:07

I remember reading your original post. It was five months after I discovered a condom in my now ex's bedroom drawer. He lied ineptly and my gut instinct told me that he had been cheating. I left. I'm also in my 50s. It was hard at first but being on my own is infinitely better than being with someone when the trust has gone. You will drive yourself crazy trying to get him to tell you the "truth" and your confidence and self-respect will continue to plummet. Please do yourself a massive favour and leave.

ballsdeep · 27/01/2017 23:08

He works away and never goes on holidays with you........ I'd bet my bottom dollar he was shagging someone during these times! Is he loving a double life and won't go on holidays because he'd be away from the other woman for too long?
I'm sorry op but I'd ltb. I would NOT allow him to lie, deceive and manipulate me any more than he has done. I'd leave and he could shove his viagra up his lying arse

Cwtchythings · 27/01/2017 23:14

You will never get the truth out of him, because he doesn't want to give it to you.

That doesn't matter though, you are surely worth far more than this. I'm sorry OP Flowers

anoriginalusername · 27/01/2017 23:32

Give up trying to get a confession out of him. You know the truth. Don't put up with it, it will drive you mad and whittle away your self esteem.

AshesandDust · 27/01/2017 23:37

You deserve better OP. Hold your head high and do what my dog does - piss on it and walk away.

LexieLulu · 28/01/2017 00:04

Let us know what H excuse is after reading this, be interesting to see what lies he makes up

Original poster
Hunbunscarybitch · 28/01/2017 09:15

Feeling sad this morning. H saw me looking at MN last night but hasn't read this thread as I didn't show him. He said " people on the internet won't give you answers as they don't know us". I feel very anxious. I went to the GP last week but she was in her early 20s and I don't think she could put herself in my shoes ( to be fair I probably wouldn't have done when I was that age) No one can know how they are going to feel when they are let down by someone they trusted, I feel completely devastated

OP posts:
gazingatthestars · 28/01/2017 09:20

Op - you are going to continue to feel this way until you remove yourself from the person who is continuing to hurt you.

It's so so hard to leave but you need to try rather than keep dwelling in the initial shock of it - playing it over and over and hoping you were wrong or misjudged it.

Try and go away next week/weekend for a temporary split to get your head together.

CocoaX · 28/01/2017 09:25

People on the internet have helped me far more than my xH has. It is a source of support, which he wants to make you doubt. I am quite struck by the fact that he knows you are looking for answers on here.

CocoaX · 28/01/2017 09:30

I went back to check what I posted on the first page, that if you showed him, the discussion would turn to you asking an opinion on MN. He is pre-empting that by saying no-one on here knows you and him. So he can rationalise away any comments on here.

No, I don't know you, but I recognise a situation where one party is lying to and gaslighting the other, as a means of control, and trying to remove her supports in seeing it, and quite possibly reading what you post. It is about control. You could be anyone I pass on the street, I am not commenting on you, I am commenting on the situation.

RandomMess · 28/01/2017 09:31

My DH really, really let me down over something, it completely broke me and due to existing MH issues I ended up with PTSD.

What you are feeling is not rare/unusual/wrong, it is awful when the rug is pulled from under you like that. He is lying to you though Sad

zippey · 28/01/2017 09:34

All the evidence is there. You don't need a confession, for strangers to give opinions or catch him in the act to know what's going on. You know deep down that he is cheating, has cheated or has plans to cheat.

Original poster
Hunbunscarybitch · 28/01/2017 09:35

Thank you all. Good advice Gazing I'm going on holiday somewhere nice and warm next week with four couples . Although I'll feel a bit of a spare part they're a good group of people I can relax with. I need some head space I think and remove myself from that's tying me in mental knots.

OP posts:
Original poster
Hunbunscarybitch · 28/01/2017 09:40

Sorry you've been let down too Random Flowers it makes you feel ill doesn't it? I can be ok one day and the next day I get flashes of pictures in my mind of my H passionately kissing and having sex with a woman. The GP tried to give me antidepressants but I'm not depressed, I just feel foolish, and that how I understood my marriage and life was based on lies.

OP posts:
Phoebefromfriends · 28/01/2017 09:55

This lie is now effecting your mental health, whether he actually had sex or just planned to it still amounts to the same thing. Honestly do you really need to catch him at it to be convinced?You aren't happy and this man obviously isn't spending quality time with you, plus he's got condoms and viagra for shagging God knows who so what's stopping you from leaving? I'm sorry OP but he really has you where he wants you, take back control by seeking legal advice and getting an STI test ASAP.

I really hope that you can find the strength to see through the lies and as difficult as it will be to leave, in the end at least you won't be living with a liar. Plus your son saw this stuff and needs to understand that isn't how a husband should behave.

SixthSenseless · 28/01/2017 09:57

Op, the problem is he has already gaslighted you.
Gas lighting is lying in such a way that makes you feel you are the one with a problem, and he is your victim. Making you feel you are mad, jealous, unreasonable or whatever.

He lies, tries to get away with whatever lie he thinks will 'get him off the hook' quickest and easiest.

Of course there is a serious problem in your relationship. He works away, spends his spare time away from you and won't make holiday time for you.

He is obviously messing around. Could be a regular affair, more likely casual hook ups. Could even be a man.

He has you on a string because you seem to need him to admit it before you give yourself permission to leave him. He is obviously lying, why wait in the say so of a liar to believe your own self????

He is not making you happy. He has no intention of trying to make you happy.

Have a good holiday, but recognise what is going on. Don't gaslight yourself. Use time to resolve to make your life better for yourself, on your terms, without his worthless lies.

And how bloody humiliating: your son saw the condoms. He knows exactly what is going on. He must be mortified for you.

I am talking direct to YOU , Op, you are the person who counts. I don't want to be used in some sort of spurious exercise to have this man tell you how useless 'people on the internet' are.

Please take care of yourself.

SirRaymondClench · 28/01/2017 10:05

Sorry OP but you know the truth so it's time to stop kidding yourself that this 'marriage' is salvable.

It isn't. He is doing absolutely nothing to save it.
I wish I'd had MN when I was in your shoes.

You do not need your H permission to end this miserable relationship.
You are 50 and have the rest of your life ahead of you and can carve out a very nice life for yourself (you are practically single now FFS)

Can I ask why your H isn't going on holiday with you next week?
What is stopping him? He surely has a holiday allowance?
He chooses not to go on holiday with you (same as my XH did)
He chooses to lie to you.
He chooses to have sex with others.

What the fuck are you staying with him for?
You don't need to convince him of anything.
Leave. This will not get better.

AnchorDownDeepBreath · 28/01/2017 10:10

Tenpus is right.

Even on a very basic level; your husband lied to you ten years ago so has history. He has viagra and condoms and one viagra is missing. He lies to you.

You don't really want the truth; you've got it. You aren't blindsided, he's been lying your entire marriage. You just can't fool yourself enough to believe him anymore and you're sad that your choices are now to live like this knowing he's unfaithful and lies or to split.

Until you acknowledge that there will be no clarity.