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Original poster

My partners DS staying at weekends

141 replies

user1484997816 · 21/01/2017 11:35

I'm 21 my partner is 27 been together 4 years.. We have a 2 year old DD together and he has an 8 year old DS from a previous relationship.

His DS stays with us Friday 5pm till Sunday 8pm every weekend. I have a great relationship with his DS and don't mind these weekends at all. However, my partner has a new job and requires him to work Saturdays and Sundays. This has been going on for 2 months and my weekends now consist of staying in the house taking care of our DD and his DS. (He has to use the car for work so I don't get to really go anywhere with the kids either).

I literally feel like I have no life right now. Through the week I take care of my DD, work part time and go to university aswell as keep on top of all house chores. Then by weekend all I have to look forward to is having another responsibility to take care of. No fun plans or anything like that. My partners ex who is the mum to his DS keeps commenting that we don't take him on enough fun trips out at the weekend. I feel bad about this of course but in my current situation it's difficult to just get up and go somewhere fun.

I had a chat with my DP recently about it and said is there any chance you could speak to work or look for a different job because your DS isn't spending much time with you. He went mad at me then saying I'm not supportive and I must have a problem with his DS which made me laugh because me and his DS get on well and everyone comments on this.

My partner doesn't seem to appreciate that I am cooking all of his sons meals, washing his clothes, keeping him entertained all weekend, chatting with him, helping him with his homework, tidying up after him etc all whilst taking care of our DD too. DP does non of these responsibilities and I feel like it is all down to me. For example this weekend his mum has requested DS must get his hair cut before we return him on Sunday. But partner can't because he is working so it is up to me to venture out in the cold with my DD and his DS and walk quite a journey to get it done..

Maybe I sound like an awful cow by even writing this and should just get on with it. But it's just I feel miserable about my weekends now. They are so lonely. I don't get to do anything remotely exciting anymore.

My partner thinks I am being unreasonable but what do you think?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484997816 · 22/01/2017 13:56

No you're right. I should be able to go where I like. When he goes out he stays out till the next day sometimes after 10am! I don't hear from him as his phone has died etc etc. One or two of my relatives have told me to go out and stay out and treat him the same to see how he likes it but it would cause a lot of trouble for me and it feels silly to play games

OP posts:
pinkyredrose · 22/01/2017 14:04

Definitely go out! And tell everyone what he's like top. He's got no right telling you where you can go. Would he never go to a pub?

PenguinsandPebbles · 22/01/2017 14:04

I think your being used by both this child's parents, the mother sounds like she is laying on the charm offensive so you feel quilty about leaving this arsehole (I expect what your experiencing is exactly what she went through) because she more than likely knows if you were not around that childcare on a weekend will fall to her as he is useless father human being

You deserve much much more than this, the longer you wait to leave the harder it will become. It doesn't get any better than this for you in your relationship, it really doesn't.

I didn't have children but I wasted my 20's with a boy cannot call him a man who ended up living off me and controlling me like you describe. It starts slow and before you know it your a mess.

Please don't waste your life with him, there really are very good men in this world and being single even with a small child is likely going to be a much better life for you IMO.

It is very sad that a small child is in the middle of this, but he does have his mum and if she is friendly to you, you can still be in his life for the sake of your daughter.

pinkyredrose · 22/01/2017 14:05

Could you go out and stay at a mates? Let him take care of his kids for a change.

ParadiseCity · 22/01/2017 14:19

OP, I'm so sorry that your own mother is so useless. I get the feeling you are trying to stop other children having the crappy experience you did, so you are looking out for your brother and stepson because you don't want them to suffer. And you've had a baby of your own at quite a young age maybe because there is clearly all this mothering in you bursting to get out? You are doing a wonderful thing for these children but don't throw away your own life in the process.

It's great you are at uni - please don't let anything derail that. Get some counselling about your own parents... and then as for the boyfriend, I think you know that you need to leave him as he is an utter jerk. You'll never 'fix' him and it's not your job to even try.

Take care of yourself Flowers

ElsieMc · 22/01/2017 15:44

Op, the decision is in your hands. You have had good advice on here. Don't play games by staying out all night like your friends/family have advised.

I am a grandparent carer so at the older end of the spectrum to you. I know how hard and often thankless caring for young children can be. You sound amazingly mature for your age, thoughtful, caring and kind. Your good nature is being abused by your partner and his ex.

I have never come across a child going to the nrp every weekend. The norm is eow and maybe once midweek along with half holidays. My gs goes to his dad's eow but his dad often does not attend I am sorry to say.

Before my gs's were placed with me, my dd's behaviour became so out of control and I absolutely dreaded weekends but for very different reasons to you- but to dread a time when you should be happy and carefree with your dd is no way to live at all.

Your partner does not deserve you. You are so, so much better than this. I am sorry for your dss as he deserves to be loved and wanted and needs security which is not really be provided by his parents but his df's young partner. He deserves better (not you op) than this.

To have posted, you must have real doubts about your relationship op. You know it is wrong on so many levels, it is not going to change and you do not need us to validate your concerns. I think you must break free and start a new life.

Your whole life appears to have been one of caring for others but its time to put yourself first, do not feel guilty.

ClopySow · 22/01/2017 16:01

Mate. He sounds worse with every post.

ElspethFlashman · 22/01/2017 16:14

OMG, You are being PLAYED by this bloke.

tricornel · 22/01/2017 18:17

Please, just get out. Your latest update - Shock How fucking DARE he tell you you can't go to a pub or club!! Good god, does he think he owns you?! Clearly, yes he does think that Angry I'm sorry for the boy, as you're clearly a very lovely and loving step parent, but it is not right. I think, having given so much of yourself to everyone else through your life, that it's now time to choose a path that puts you and your daughter first.

jeaux90 · 22/01/2017 18:28

My blood is boiling. How dare he tell you that you are not allowed to go out. End of!!! Arrggggggghhh I really hate these abusive controlling men.

Whatever you do short term (and I really hope you leave) finish your studies, become financially independent and don't ever ever let a man treat you like this again. Please.

SpartacusWoman · 22/01/2017 19:15

id not be suprised if him saying you are not allowed out and not trusting other men is based on what he himself gets up to on his own nights out.

As in, he thinks because he's chatting women up (and possibly more if he doesn't come home) on his nights out, men will chat you up and as you're his property it's not allowed. Sorry but he's a cunt

Don't let him tell you what you can do with your mates. It's unhealthy and not normal.

I'd LTB to be honest, his controlling will get worse and I can see a future where he encourages you to give up work altogether so that you're home where he thinks you should be.

PovertyPain · 22/01/2017 19:45

Sounds like he's judging other men by his own standards, OP. That suggests that he's going with women when he's out. Sorry op, but he picked you because of your age, shitty background and good heart. He knew he could mild you into his very own stepford wife.

eddielizzard · 22/01/2017 20:06

wow he's got you just where he wants you. sorting out his shit at home, looking after his kids, going on benders without the courtesy of letting you know where he is, certainly doesn't show you any respect. what a cushy deal. not having to give you any support at all really... he's got it made, and he sure as hell isn't going to want to change that.

think seriously about what you want here. do you still love him? do you trust him?

LonnyVonnyWilsonFrickett · 22/01/2017 20:32

Oh OP. He's lazy, jealous and controlling. He thinks it's up to you to do all the chores (childcare aside, what is he doing on his non-working days - I'll bet it's not washing the floors).

I think you should think very carefully about your next move. But you don't need to put up with being the nanny/skivvy.

rollonthesummer · 22/01/2017 20:40

You can't stay with this man.

deste · 22/01/2017 20:41

I'm not sure if it's been asked already but whose name is the house in?

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