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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

My partners DS staying at weekends

141 replies

user1484997816 · 21/01/2017 11:35

I'm 21 my partner is 27 been together 4 years.. We have a 2 year old DD together and he has an 8 year old DS from a previous relationship.

His DS stays with us Friday 5pm till Sunday 8pm every weekend. I have a great relationship with his DS and don't mind these weekends at all. However, my partner has a new job and requires him to work Saturdays and Sundays. This has been going on for 2 months and my weekends now consist of staying in the house taking care of our DD and his DS. (He has to use the car for work so I don't get to really go anywhere with the kids either).

I literally feel like I have no life right now. Through the week I take care of my DD, work part time and go to university aswell as keep on top of all house chores. Then by weekend all I have to look forward to is having another responsibility to take care of. No fun plans or anything like that. My partners ex who is the mum to his DS keeps commenting that we don't take him on enough fun trips out at the weekend. I feel bad about this of course but in my current situation it's difficult to just get up and go somewhere fun.

I had a chat with my DP recently about it and said is there any chance you could speak to work or look for a different job because your DS isn't spending much time with you. He went mad at me then saying I'm not supportive and I must have a problem with his DS which made me laugh because me and his DS get on well and everyone comments on this.

My partner doesn't seem to appreciate that I am cooking all of his sons meals, washing his clothes, keeping him entertained all weekend, chatting with him, helping him with his homework, tidying up after him etc all whilst taking care of our DD too. DP does non of these responsibilities and I feel like it is all down to me. For example this weekend his mum has requested DS must get his hair cut before we return him on Sunday. But partner can't because he is working so it is up to me to venture out in the cold with my DD and his DS and walk quite a journey to get it done..

Maybe I sound like an awful cow by even writing this and should just get on with it. But it's just I feel miserable about my weekends now. They are so lonely. I don't get to do anything remotely exciting anymore.

My partner thinks I am being unreasonable but what do you think?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:

ImperialBlether · 21/01/2017 12:41

He has a couple of times come home from work, got ready to go on a night out whilst I look after both his children and then not returned till after 10am the next day.. yet I am the horrible one who is unreasonable.

Are you MAD?

Seriously, OP, he and his ex are off doing their thing while you mind their child? You must be crazy.

You are too young to be saddled with a twat of this level. He's completely selfish. He and his ex need to sort out their working lives so that he can spend time with his son - that has to come from both of them, but neither should expect you to do their job for them.

rollonthesummer · 21/01/2017 12:43

You are raising your 7-year old brother, too?! Does he live with you?

Original poster

user1484997816 · 21/01/2017 12:43

He has a good relationship with both his children. But doesn't help much around the house as he is too tired from work. And he is the type of dad who wants praise for watching my DD for a few hours like he has done me a favour - that one really annoys me.

I am struggling to balance everything and work one day a week on an agency, 3 days a week at uni, 1 day off to catch up with work and spend time with my daughter then spend the weekend keeping the house and clean and looking after children.
It is getting me down, I'm like a bit of a robot at the moment just getting through each day best I can with nothing to look forward to :/.

OP posts:

Slimmingsnake · 21/01/2017 12:44

You are being used as a babysitter by his mum and dad....no point him being there if dad is working..the mum should be saying the same..but she's not because she dosnt care who looks after him as long as she gets her break...I would in no way be putting up with this...

user1477282676 · 21/01/2017 12:46

Look...you're with a man who has a son. He has to work...he has two DC. It's unfortunate that he's working weekends but you'd be in the same situation even if you only had your own DD to look after.

I'm a non driver and what you have to do, is use public transport. Go out to parks, museums etc.

Even a trip to the library once a week is better than sitting at home!

PovertyPain · 21/01/2017 12:46

Do you drive, op? Can you drop him to work so you have the car?

Slimmingsnake · 21/01/2017 12:46

I think in your shoes ,....as lovely as the boy is...I would end the relationship I'm afraid..your not being treated well and with tax credits you stand a good chance of managing your life yourself with nice weekends to look forward to

Original poster

user1484997816 · 21/01/2017 12:47

My brother lives with my mum but I pick him up from school on my day off, make sure he has a good bath, get his homework with him done, wash his uniform and then actually spend time with him. I used to do it every day until I moved out but now I struggle to find the time and this makes me feel so guilty. I feel like I am neglecting him aswell. She is a crap mum, he basically does what he wants like he has no Bedtime or anything like that. I buy him his new clothes because she will get his from the charity shop and they're awful. I also make sure he has new socks and Underwear for school aswell. It's always been like this though and I just get on with it

OP posts:

user1477282676 · 21/01/2017 12:47

Slimming of course there's a point to his son being there! He's surely seeing his Dad in the evenings and mornings. It's far from ideal of course but many parents have just this situation all the time! If he has a day off in the week, perhaps he should have his son then too? He could collect him from school.

user1477282676 · 21/01/2017 12:48

Imperial he's going to bloody work! Not "off doing his own thing"

broodybrooder · 21/01/2017 12:48

Your last post made me feel really sad for you and it's exactly why you should really think about what's right for you here and make moves to starting your life on your own.

She is so little and it's such a precious time, you sound so sensible and capable and all this getting piles on top of you is enough to make anyone crack at worst but at the very least miss out on precious moments with your baby and not make the most of
Your opportunity at uni.

Don't let your relationship with this disrespectful man ruin these for you. You will really regret it

user1484999658 · 21/01/2017 12:49

My partner had 2 sons before we met, now we have 2 kids together so thats 4 altogether now at weekends, lol. Its understandable if hes working at the weekends, at least he has a job but i understand where ur coming from, when my daughter was first born my other half literally just started a new job, his ex sent the boys through the day we got home from hospital with the baby and they stayed for about 5 days ( i think she was trying to pile on the pressure a bit ), she can be funny like that at times, so when my other half was out at work i was left with his 12 and i year old whilst having my newborn baby to deal with, i was just getting used to being a mum myself and it was really hard, i broke down Fter about 3 days really upset because it was alot to handle for a new mum, not that i mind they boys , they r goid boysm, well mannered and helped me out, but it was still alot of pressure for just giving birth 4 days earlier. Ur other half should atleast understand that it is alot of responsibility for u to take on , on ur own . Its a hard one that involves comprimise from all sides , my other half qould come home and run me a nice bath and take over responsibility and that helped ease my stress lol. We now have a newborn again , our daughter is 4 and both boys are teenagers now , alot of weekends i have to cope with the responsibikity of all 4 if he is working, , which can be hard but i accept his children and he helps and understands that i need time for myself too, try talk to ur other half again im sure he will understand that it can be difficult for u at times and might try do something to help pnce he is home, wishing you lots of luck x

WatchingFromTheWings · 21/01/2017 12:53

got ready to go on a night out whilst I look after both his children and then not returned till after 10am the next day

That's not on. Once in a while, fine. But I'd expect him home at the end of the night, not to stay out. Do you get nights out whilst he stays home with the kids??

SandyY2K · 21/01/2017 12:53

You sound like a really nice person and he's taking advantage of you.

He has a couple of times come home from work, got ready to go on a night out whilst I look after both his children and then not returned till after 10am the next day

That's not on at all.

Do you have nights out?

He's using you for childcare and if you can't get him a haircut, because you don't have the car don't do it.

Tell him/and or his ex. She can get his hair cut after school one day in the week.

Calmly tell him how you feel, that you're not being unsupportive, but every weekend is placing a lot of pressure on you.

It sounds like he'll turn this round on you, because he already has TBH. I really doubt he'll see sense.

You have to decide if this is going to be your life with him. You're working part time and going to Uni. He's only able to secure a minimum wage job, which must mean things are not great financially and added to that, he's being totally selfish and inconsiderate.

He needs to spend time with his son

In the meanwhile, I'd earmark a few weekends, saying you won't be around. Either that you're staying with family or on a girls weekend (and that your mum/sister/cousin, /friend is looking after DD.

Let him figure out what to do. He should never have taken that job, knowing his son is over every weekend.

If he keeps turning the argument round on you, just say that's not the case, but as there seems to be a big difference of opinion, it might be best to consider if this relationship is right for you both.

How good a partner is he asides from this? Is he helpful with your DD? Housework?

I'm trying to figure out if there's anything worth saving for you.

ImperialBlether · 21/01/2017 12:55

Imperial he's going to bloody work! Not "off doing his own thing"

RTFT.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 21/01/2017 12:56

So your stepson is actually with you at the moment. What is he doing while you are posting about him on Mumsnet?

Slimmingsnake · 21/01/2017 12:57

Op..both of theses parents to this young boy are using you...but you are used to it because of your younger brother..I hope you find the strength to stand up for yourself and your child x

ImperialBlether · 21/01/2017 12:59

GriefLeavesItsMark, the child is eight years old! What are your own children doing while you're criticising her parenting?

thebakerwithboobs · 21/01/2017 13:00

I could see his from both sides until you said your partner went out and didn't come back until 10am. I feel sorry for you, and desperately sorry for the poor little boy, you sound like the most committed influence he has. That said, he's not your responsibility and I would be looking to end the relationship. It's not so much the circumstances-if this job is the only one that is going to give you security then I can understand why your partner wants to keep it-but it's his attitude and it stinks.

user1477282676 · 21/01/2017 13:04

Imperial I did. OP says

"However, my partner has a new job and requires him to work Saturdays and Sundays."

So he's at work. Earning money for his family I assume.

Slimmingsnake · 21/01/2017 13:06

I agree with boobs...you are to young for this crap...you should be happy enjoying your weekends with yr little daughter.....the ds is not your responsibility,even if you were married he's not...your responsibility is to your daughter..also the more you help your mum out ,the more she will take advantage of that and let you...phone social services and tell them she's not coping...none of this is right...I feel so angry on your belaf..who the fuck is looking out for you and supporting you op?????

Somerville · 21/01/2017 13:08

And OP also said, userandwhatevernumbersyouare.

Thereby missing all his contact time with his son, between partying for 28 hours plus work.
Wonderful father.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 21/01/2017 13:10

How is it a criticism? I haven't asked what her toddler daughter is doing. I just feel a bit sad for the poor little chap as no one seems to want him. Btw what makes you think I have children, I can't remember mentioning it. I have a cat a post about, maybe you are getting confused with that?

Somerville · 21/01/2017 13:10

18 hours plus work, that should have read.

Original poster

user1484997816 · 21/01/2017 13:15

Thanks for taking the time to reply. You're all correct with what you're saying. Things do need to change because it's not fair on me, my DD or his DS at the end of the day. I need to bring up these points with him in another discussion and let him know I'm not serious.

GriefLeavesItsMark: And he was just watching a film on the other sofa with me in the living room whilst my DD was having a nap. He didn't even notice if I was on my phone or not tbh..

I just felt lonely and like I was facing another weekend stuck in the house so thought I'd get some advice.

OP posts:

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