Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

My partners DS staying at weekends

141 replies

user1484997816 · 21/01/2017 11:35

I'm 21 my partner is 27 been together 4 years.. We have a 2 year old DD together and he has an 8 year old DS from a previous relationship.

His DS stays with us Friday 5pm till Sunday 8pm every weekend. I have a great relationship with his DS and don't mind these weekends at all. However, my partner has a new job and requires him to work Saturdays and Sundays. This has been going on for 2 months and my weekends now consist of staying in the house taking care of our DD and his DS. (He has to use the car for work so I don't get to really go anywhere with the kids either).

I literally feel like I have no life right now. Through the week I take care of my DD, work part time and go to university aswell as keep on top of all house chores. Then by weekend all I have to look forward to is having another responsibility to take care of. No fun plans or anything like that. My partners ex who is the mum to his DS keeps commenting that we don't take him on enough fun trips out at the weekend. I feel bad about this of course but in my current situation it's difficult to just get up and go somewhere fun.

I had a chat with my DP recently about it and said is there any chance you could speak to work or look for a different job because your DS isn't spending much time with you. He went mad at me then saying I'm not supportive and I must have a problem with his DS which made me laugh because me and his DS get on well and everyone comments on this.

My partner doesn't seem to appreciate that I am cooking all of his sons meals, washing his clothes, keeping him entertained all weekend, chatting with him, helping him with his homework, tidying up after him etc all whilst taking care of our DD too. DP does non of these responsibilities and I feel like it is all down to me. For example this weekend his mum has requested DS must get his hair cut before we return him on Sunday. But partner can't because he is working so it is up to me to venture out in the cold with my DD and his DS and walk quite a journey to get it done..

Maybe I sound like an awful cow by even writing this and should just get on with it. But it's just I feel miserable about my weekends now. They are so lonely. I don't get to do anything remotely exciting anymore.

My partner thinks I am being unreasonable but what do you think?

Thanks in advance

OP posts:
Original poster
user1484997816 · 21/01/2017 13:15

Let him know I am serious I mean

OP posts:
jeaux90 · 21/01/2017 13:19

You don't have to justify yourself to other posters OP I have a 7 year old engrossed in her Lego whilst I'm readying this thread Grin

Firstly I agree with a lot of others this is no way fair and your DP and his ex are taking the total piss. In terms of your little brother I feel really bad for you but understand you feel obligated.

SmellySphinx · 21/01/2017 13:20

You already have more than enough on your plate, if he did more to help I'd be inclined to say work things through.

As lovely as his boy is, he is your partners boy, not yours. Your little girl is your joint responsibility and his little boy is his. You're helping out your partner by being his 'dad'. His Dad sees him for a few hours after work I imagine? Oh wait, not always cos he goes out leaving you to watch him yet you should put up and shut up because you'll be at home anyway. No, no thanks. Sorry, can't help you out anymore, I have our daughter and also my own life. WE have a life together and whilst I realise and appreciate your boy is part of the package, you have a responsibility to parent your little boy, I've tried to support this but I'm afraid I have way too much going on for this to be permanent! YOU need to organise with your ex how to sort out contact because it's not always going to work for me this way. I've been supporting your choices although I haven't been asked, I've been told. I'm going to go out this weekend for a night out/see family/ go for a trip away with our daughter to do something nice. Maybe you can take out your boy for quality time, have to book a day off work!

Obviously not put as scripted as that but I'd say fair is fair, you've been put in this position and to say NO would mean they have to organise something else. The responsibility is being put onto you because you're there but you have other commitments. It's time to put your foot down now. You have your daughter and little brother to think about.

SmellySphinx · 21/01/2017 13:20

You already have more than enough on your plate, if he did more to help I'd be inclined to say work things through.

As lovely as his boy is, he is your partners boy, not yours. Your little girl is your joint responsibility and his little boy is his. You're helping out your partner by being his 'dad'. His Dad sees him for a few hours after work I imagine? Oh wait, not always cos he goes out leaving you to watch him yet you should put up and shut up because you'll be at home anyway. No, no thanks. Sorry, can't help you out anymore, I have our daughter and also my own life. WE have a life together and whilst I realise and appreciate your boy is part of the package, you have a responsibility to parent your little boy, I've tried to support this but I'm afraid I have way too much going on for this to be permanent! YOU need to organise with your ex how to sort out contact because it's not always going to work for me this way. I've been supporting your choices although I haven't been asked, I've been told. I'm going to go out this weekend for a night out/see family/ go for a trip away with our daughter to do something nice. Maybe you can take out your boy for quality time, have to book a day off work!

Obviously not put as scripted as that but I'd say fair is fair, you've been put in this position and to say NO would mean they have to organise something else. The responsibility is being put onto you because you're there but you have other commitments. It's time to put your foot down now. You have your daughter and little brother to think about.

ElspethFlashman · 21/01/2017 13:26

You have another 10 years of these lonely weekends ahead of you. Sad

Msqueen33 · 21/01/2017 13:43

Every weekend seems a bit much. Should contact maybe be revised that he's only with his dad one weekend. Also has he another way to get to work? So you can have the car. I think you sound lovely and under a lot of pressure at a young age. Regarding going out he maybe needs to think about you and his kids before disappearing off. If all in the relationship was good and happy and he was out working hard for his family and appreciated you I'd maybe think differently but he sounds like he really doesn't.

BitterAndOnlySlightlyTwisted · 21/01/2017 13:44

I don't understand how either parent thought the arrangement that the boy came to his father's EVERY WEEKEND was sensible or fair.

Oh, I forgot, the OP is captive at home anyway, so she can look after another child without being consulted.

Listen, if the boy needs a haircut then ONE OF HIS PARENTS can take him one day after school. They don't both work seven days a week, do they?

They are both ruthlessly exploiting you and they know it.

Hermonie2016 · 21/01/2017 14:34

Op, you have a lot going on for you and most 21year olds are carefree at this stage.

Your upbringing has led you to be over responsible at a young age.This is something you will need to address as you are likely to be conditioned to not having your needs met.It will not be a quick fix but start looking at counselling as ways to help you frame your choices and actions.

When you talked about your mum it's clear you have always put your needs down the list but that can't continue for too long.
If you are taking care of 3 children you need your partner to take care of you.
When he is off work does he contribute more in terms of household stuff?
How long do you have left on your course?

None of this will be fixed quickly as you have children relying on you but you need some small steps or a plan.

As mentioned please do whatever you can to prioritise your studies.Can you find someone at Uni to talk to? As a young carer you maybe able to get support/counselling.What challenges does your mum have that prevents her from being a good mum? If she's just selfish, consider you have used that model to select your partner.

You are so young so have the opportunity to have a great life ahead of you. You sound ovely so deserve to be treated well.As you get older you realise you have to put in place boundaries so that selfish people don't take advantage of your good nature.I wish I learnt that earlier!

Loving someone doesn't mean they will love you back in a way you deserve.You may have to leave those who don't treat you well. Your love, kindness and giving wont change a person, they have to want to reciprocate that love and kindness.

Some people are selfish/self centred and never want to have an equal relationship, it's a tough but valuable lesson to learn especially if you have a giving nature.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 21/01/2017 14:36

Is this really what you want to do with your life?

Look back two years ago when you were 19 and pregnant/with a small baby. (I am assuming you put off going to University for a year when you got pregnant). What were your hopes and ambitions?
Did you really mean to get lumbered with a man in his late 20s who struggles to hold down a minimum wage job. What would the 21year old you tell the 19 year old you?

MistressMaisie · 21/01/2017 14:44

I would start by writing to the DEx and pointing out your problems. She won't' be happy to have DS more but really that is the best bet. That he comes to you on Saturday morning and leaves Sunday afternoon, or whenever she is home from work.

If she gets the message that you are not happy she might have the sense to see that if you move out, because you are being taken advantage of, she might have no childcare at all.

Also your DBro can possibly come on a different evening. You can't look after him AND your own repsonsiblities. Help out but do less.

Underthemoonlight · 21/01/2017 14:44

Op your still young you should be able to be going out socialising with your mates or atleast have that option to. It seems like a lot for you I'm assuming you got pregnant at 17/18 and had your dd and now at 21 you are shouldering working part time, uni your dd and your dp DS when do you get a break? Reading your update that he buggers off out whilst you had the kids all day and not returning the next day is disgraceful he is taking advantage of you. I would LTB. I was trapped in a horrible relationship similar but without the stepson at your age best thing he did was leave me.. I socialised more and I was a typical 22 year old I loved the freedom and eventfully meant the right person my now dh.

Underthemoonlight · 21/01/2017 14:54

Btw ignore grief there always seems to be one poster that wants to put the boot in.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 21/01/2017 14:59

How is asking the op what she would advise her younger self putting the boot in?

BreakfastAtSquiffanys · 21/01/2017 14:59

He has a couple of times come home from work, got ready to go on a night out whilst I look after both his children and then not returned till after 10am the next day.. yet I am the horrible one who is unreasonable

You're basically just his free childcare.

The point of these visits is for the child to spend time with his father, they're not for his mother to "have the weekend off"
If his father is working both days then going out and staying out, what is the actual point to his DS being there? Apart from making more work for you

SandyY2K · 21/01/2017 15:09

To the poster who asked where her DSS was while she's on Mumsnet "shame on you".

You clearly don't have kids or you'd realise you don't glue your eyes on them 24/7. Especially an 8 year old.

Sometimes it's best to say nothing, if you haven't got anything useful to contribute. This is one of those times.

OP- I'm assuming you've taken a loan out to go to Uni. Don't waste the money by not giving your studies your full commitment.

Time to stop being used like this. If DSSs mum complains about him not going out, she should complain to his father. It's not your problem.

SandyY2K · 21/01/2017 15:13

Also question in your mind how good a dad he is, that he chooses to work all weekend, instead of spending time with his DS who doesn't live with him.

It gives you an idea of what will happen if you split up. He finds another girlfriend to look after DSS and DD during his visitation, while he goes out to work.

Is he really the man you want to spend the rest of your life with?

GriefLeavesItsMark · 21/01/2017 15:23

Maybe I have children, maybe I don't. However the crux of the matter is that there is a little boy that is being treated by an inconvenience by all parties. The op, as she describes her life, has an intelligent mature woman, has every capacity to change her live.

The little boy has no choice in what happens.

I do not understand why you can't see this.

SpartacusWoman · 21/01/2017 15:23

many of the users of mumsnet have DC of varying ages, if it was normal or unusual to post on here when the DC are with us, there'd be no threads on weekend or on an evening etc :)

YANBU OP Flowers

When he fucks off out on all nighters does he at least have the decency to let you know he's not coming home until the next day, or does he leave you worrying about him all night on top of making you do his parenting for him?

Berthatydfil · 21/01/2017 15:23

Ask him to think about what would happen if they were still together - they couldn't both work weekends could they ?
I realise he has to provide for his family but there are changes that could be made - the child is 7 so not a baby.
In reality he is seeing his dad 3 to 4 hours on a weekend night so why can't he go to the child's home town on a day/s he doesn't work pick him up from school and spend some quality time with him then possibly come back to yours spend the night and gdt up early enough to get him back to school the next day. Contact could go every other w/e plus mid week or mid week plus one overnight into weekend day (Friday/sat, sat/sun or sun/mon) rotating days. So his mum would need to get childcare one day a weekend which is what would have had to have happened if they were together anyway.
Secondly he could look into transport alternatives (lift shares, you drive, public transport cycle ??) so you can have the car at least one day if not both weekend days, whether you have dss or not as when he's there you can all go out and if he's not you and your dd can get out and about.
Ask him what will happen ifwhen you get fed up with being taken for granted as his and his exs unpaid babysitter and you split up.
Yes he will probably throw some emotional blackmail at you like you hate my son or you don't want me to work but remind him the child is his responsibility not yours, it's lovely you get along but that's a bonus his childcare problems aren't yours to solve.

SpartacusWoman · 21/01/2017 15:25

*To not post

Underthemoonlight · 21/01/2017 15:25

Grief since when doe an 8year old need constant supervision? I know mine doesn't the lady isn't oblidged to care for him yet she is being take advantage of.

GriefLeavesItsMark · 21/01/2017 15:30

I didn't say a 8 year old needs constant supervision, I just thought it was sad that the poor little boy was sitting in the house while his stepmother complained about having to look after him because his birth parents wouldn't.

Solasum · 21/01/2017 15:34

I think you should insist on only having your DSS every other weekend, then make sure to Skype several other times too, if a midweek meeting really is impossible.

Otherwise,does your partner enhance your life in any way?

broodybrooder · 21/01/2017 15:36

grief, the OP has said in numerous ocassions that she loves the boy and it's clear she does more for him then his parents does.

She has said repeatedly she doesn't want to sound like she doesn't care for him. To say she's one of those who see him as an inconvenience IS putting the boot in. She obviously has problems with feelings of guilt and responsibility and comments like that are unhelpful

broodybrooder · 21/01/2017 15:38

*parents do

Swipe left for the next trending thread