My partners DS staying at weekends

[user1484997816]

I'm 21 my partner is 27 been together 4 years.. We have a 2 year old DD together and he has an 8 year old DS from a previous relationship.

His DS stays with us Friday 5pm till Sunday 8pm every weekend. I have a great relationship with his DS and don't mind these weekends at all. However, my partner has a new job and requires him to work Saturdays and Sundays. This has been going on for 2 months and my weekends now consist of staying in the house taking care of our DD and his DS. (He has to use the car for work so I don't get to really go anywhere with the kids either).

I literally feel like I have no life right now. Through the week I take care of my DD, work part time and go to university aswell as keep on top of all house chores. Then by weekend all I have to look forward to is having another responsibility to take care of. No fun plans or anything like that. My partners ex who is the mum to his DS keeps commenting that we don't take him on enough fun trips out at the weekend. I feel bad about this of course but in my current situation it's difficult to just get up and go somewhere fun.

I had a chat with my DP recently about it and said is there any chance you could speak to work or look for a different job because your DS isn't spending much time with you. He went mad at me then saying I'm not supportive and I must have a problem with his DS which made me laugh because me and his DS get on well and everyone comments on this.

My partner doesn't seem to appreciate that I am cooking all of his sons meals, washing his clothes, keeping him entertained all weekend, chatting with him, helping him with his homework, tidying up after him etc all whilst taking care of our DD too. DP does non of these responsibilities and I feel like it is all down to me. For example this weekend his mum has requested DS must get his hair cut before we return him on Sunday. But partner can't because he is working so it is up to me to venture out in the cold with my DD and his DS and walk quite a journey to get it done..

Maybe I sound like an awful cow by even writing this and should just get on with it. But it's just I feel miserable about my weekends now. They are so lonely. I don't get to do anything remotely exciting anymore.

My partner thinks I am being unreasonable but what do you think?

Thanks in advance

No - she is not complaining about having to look after her dss - she is complaining about having to look after him with VERY little support from the child's father.

People who are criticising the op are just perpetuating the idea that women have to stay at home and take on all the work of children/house, with no support from the big important man who is lying down and resting his eyes, ffs.

If I was the OPs mother I would be encouraging her to move on without this deadweight of a dp round her neck.

Naice I am not perpetuating that! If OP wants to work then she could get a job! She and her DH could pay for childcare.

Naice, there's nothing stopping the OP working more. However she's happy to do one day and let her DP take up the financial burden. I doubt very much he has forbid her working neither do I imagine he relishes working all weekend whilst she doesn't.

It stands to reason if one party is at work and the other not then they do the house and child stuff regardless of sex. Why would you pay someone else to do it if actually home anyway.

You met your partner when you were at school, right?

the DSS isn't the issue. You've outgrown him and outgrown his view of the world (women cook, clean and childcare, men work and drink).

That's OK, that's what's meant to happen when you're growing up. So (and I don't post this lightly) either he changes his world view or you move on.

Sheldon she's at uni three days a week, studies one day a week while looking after her brother and own child, then has the weekend where she's doing all the household stuff. Presumably she is doing this so she can get a better job in future - uni with a 2 year old is hardly a walk in the park.

So actually, there is quite a lot stopping her 'working' more - her degree, which is her passport to a better long-term future.

YADNBU! You are being used as free childcare by both parents for a child that isn't yours. Don't let anyone guilt trip you on this. Surely the point of your partner's son staying every single weekend (for that alone I think you're a saint) is so father and son spend time together? What is the point otherwise?
Put your foot down firmly on this one OP. It is not YOUR responsibility to provide entertaining weekends for his son. Sounds like neither of his parents want to spend time with him or entertain him:why should you?

Sheldon - did you miss the fact that she is studying 3 days a week and looking after 3 children ( the baby full time) working part time and doing all house work etc??

Yes - she's got loads of time! How lazy of her not to take on a full time job as well, and of course it would be more sensible to give up studying and trying to improve her future!

I can only assume you have never been in a similar situation as you are showing an extraordinary lack of empathy and understanding.

Lonny has it right.

You sound like a really genuine and lovely caring person - and sadly, sometimes that ends up being taken advantage of. You need to get your OH looking for a more suitable job, he can't work weekends when that is the only time he gets to have his son. It is his responsibility not yours. Full stop. Give him a set date ie I will do this for 6 more weeks then I am going to spend weekends with a friend if things haven't changed and you will need to arrange childcare but it won't be me. One lesson I've learned the very hard way over my life is that if you don't look after yourself, no one else will and you need to stand up for yourself. He's very lucky to have you, and don't forget that. Having a child together is no reason to remain in a relationship where you are being taken advantage of, and getting little in return.

Honestly OP you'd be better off without him. Get your life back!
It's not going to get any better, you're being used by both of them.
He's treating you like a bloody slave and you are FAR too nice.

If he's working weekends, how much help does he give you during the week?

Honestly do an entitledto calculation and see what you can get.
Stick 16 hrs work in at nmw to get an idea. , I'm not sure how wtc works if you're a student.

I cannot believe some people think it's alright for OP to look after her DP's son every weekend when he has a father and a mother. She is very kind to have been doing it for some time but it's not her job or duty to do it. From Friday till Sunday evening is for his daddy. And then she even been tild aboit hairdressers. What's next?

I've had stepmums and my weekend contact at dad's house was never about giving my mum a break nor about visiting my dad's wife. It was about contact with my dad. OP is being used as free convenient childcare by the child's mum and dad. Especially in light of the fact that DP went out drinking and didn't come back until 10am the following day!!!
Personally I would contact the mum and say that due to dad's working hours and him not being home at certain times, it's probably best that DSS visits from 4pm (or whatever time DP gets home) to the following day to be picked up (or dropped off) at a convenient time and alternative contact visits during the week to make up the missed time with dad.

I don't think the issue is looking after the child while the parents work. It's what families do. The issue is that the parents do not appreciate it and are taking the piss.

I expect the OP wouldn't mind doing it if the parents did everything they could to make it easier eg leaving the car, taking over as soon as work is done. But no, they show their appreciation by treating her like the hired help, telling her what chores need doing, pissing off for nights out, leaving her to care while they go for a sleep.

OP I have a daughter the same age as you. I'd be telling her to walk away because men like this don't change. I'd be telling her to focus on her child and her education and that she can have so much more than being some lazy blokes unpaid skivvy.

Thank you for the replies and your insights. I think one or two commenters have read what I was trying to say wrong.
No child is a burden or an inconvenience to me whatsoever.. I love children and enjoy being in their company. I have worked hard to make him feel at home. Despite only living in a 2 bedroom house he still has his how own bed/space/tv/wardrobe etc. I've had photos enlarged of him and placed in frames around the house. He is never left out on trips or holidays and I try my best to make him feel just as loved/valued as my 2 year old.

My whole point of this was that I felt fed up of doing the same thing every weekend with two children to take care of- with very little support. I also feel bad for the boy who I believe shouldn't be stuck in the house with me but should be spending time with his dad or even with his mum.
When I raised it previously to my partner he had accused me of disliking his son and made me feel guilty for even mentioning that I wasn't enjoying this current lifestyle. I posted on MN to see if I really was being out of order or if I was actually being used and not being appreciated.

The majority of commenters have said what I felt I already know deep down. That I am being used as free childcare and it isn't the innocent child's fault..

If my partner helped me out more with house work and parenting duties maybe it wouldn't be so bad and I would feel more appreciated. But sadly I don't get much support and it does seem to be all one sided. He is the type of dad who wants praise if he watches DD for a couple of hours whilst I get a bath.

I appreciate the uni comments. Since having my daughter I have realised how important it is that I continue with my studies as I want to be a good example for her. I don't want her to be used by any man as a live in house maid/nanny so in reality I shouldn't want that for myself either.

I spoke to him yesterday and told him my thoughts. He was too tired to discuss it yesterday but is going to talk to me about it tonight. He actually said that he can't win- he finally has a job and I'm still not happy. I don't really understand where that came from as I'm always supportive to him. I also mentioned that I am going on a night out next weekend, haven't been for one in a good year and think I deserve a night off. He said absolutely not- it wasn't up for discussion. I askd why and he said I can do something else but not go to night clubs/pubs as he doesn't trust other men. So going to think of something else to do but I'm definitely having a night off

So here he goes again, perpetuating the myth that you are a little lady who needs protection from big bad men. You are not safe in a fucking pub so you are forbidden to go.

I hope you told him that you will go wherever you damn well please.

Jumping, you could easily turn that round and tell a son to walk away and find someone willing to treat his son equally rather than a hinderence and inconvenience and somebody prepared to work rather than decide to be a student despite having a child to support.

If he's financing the household so that the OP can study and just work one day then he's not asking a lot for her to do the house and child stuff. It's a luxury to just work one day and study when you have a family to support.

But he doesn't bring much money to the household. My student finance and extra income from PT job has been what's kept us all going. Now he is bringing a small wage in it will mean we have more money for trips out and clothes etc but that's it really. I have constant deadlines and lessons to attend for University. It is no luxury I can assure you

What?! So it's totally fine for him to go out clubbing and not come home until 10am THE FOLLOWING DAY but you're not allowed to go to a pub for a few hours?

He is a controlling arse. I haven't said this on here before but LTB.

The at home I am expected to do all the house chores and take care of my DD. Then when weekend comes I have another added responsibility. I am always tires with a long list of never ending jobs to go with it

User -do NOT allow him to tell you that you can't go to the pub. You are an adult , you can make your own decisions about where to go.

He is beginning to sound very abusive, I'm afraid.

Ignore Sheldon op.

He said absolutely not- it wasn't up for discussion.

This is abusive. Given everything else that is going on this would be the final straw for me. You need to get out.

I know I told him I can go wherever I like- and pointed out he goes out when and where he wants. He said you it's not up for discussion, you're not going to a nightclub and that's that. It makes me just want to go even more but don't think I could be bothered with the accusations and questions the next day

Really user? You want to teach your DD that it's best to bow down to a controlling cunt even when she is absolutely right, so that she doesn't have to answer questions..?

Is he your dad? Oh grief, he's sounding worse and you are like the frog in water, not realising how unacceptable it's becoming.

He doesnt want to risk you finding out there are decent men out there.

Can you really live your life like this? 50 years of this controlling behaviour.