Wife who cannot answer Yes or No to any question

[Stewart2017]

Sounds trivial I know, but my wife just cannot (will not) answer yes or no. Ever.
And it turns minor disputes into big arguments daily. And needlessly.

Example tonight - kid kicks off bad behaviour with mum, it's getting very aggressive and I run upstairs quickly to deal strictly with young teenager. Kid continues on at me, and my wife then criticises me for causing issue!

Clearly untrue, and son seizes on this and torments and name calls me. I ask my wife is she genuinely thinks it was my fault, and I get a "don't know" or "you are ruining the night" when I feel the opposite.

Aggrieved I keep asking calmly does she really think it my fault, and asking for a yes or no to clear up any misunderstanding.

We then argue while kid laps it all up and laughing. This is no way to act in front of kid and why on earth am I being blamed.
She just will never answer a straight question. No matter how basic.

This is daily. Earlier today I asked "shall I pick up milk when I'm out?"
She'll answer "mind phone your Dad"
Yeah I will. But do we need milk?
She'll answer after about 5 attempts at question "I don't know"
Shall I come back inside and check fridge?
She'll answer "just go!"
OK, but do we need milk yes or no?
..... and on and on.

Sounds trivial writing get it down, but it is driving me bonkers.
She is intelligent and holds down a decent job. She not ill or anything.
Just seems utterly bizarre that no matter the question she cannot answer clearly. Ever.

Yeah, I kind of figured that out. Whatever.
I liked your posts though, myoriginal3.

My DM does this. not just yes or no but any decision. So I did it back to her when we were making arrangements to see what would happen

me: what time shall we meet
DM: up to you
me: i don't mind
DM: me either

went on for 10 mins. i think it's so she won't make a decision

I would stop asking and take a back seat. at some point she'll need to make a yes or no decision.

Meh he might be at work.

He might not be abusive (or he could be) but his own description of those three incidents certainly gives me the impression that he is certainly a major contributor to the dynamics of the family as a whole and the issue he is frustrated with his wife over.

Why does he do that is prefaced with the point that abusers can be anyone (male/female etc) but he has used 'he' and 'mr' because abuse is an issue where the most common situation is male abuser and female victim. He advises you to read with an open mind.

I think anyone can slip into abusive behaviour but then there are some people who are just abusive.

If you are not generally abusive and you have slipped into abusive behaviour in a relationship then it is usually a sign it is well past saving.

I don't think the op is being abusive. I actually have a lot of sympathy. Dp is like this and it is not something new. Eventually you have to just get on with things how you want. Dp is always having a go at me about how he feels forced into doing things my way but I have asked him what he wants on everything and he never gives an answer so I can't wait around till he has decided what he wants.

I have come across other people like this. It drives me up the wall especially when instead of saying yes or no to a question or expressing what they want will moan about how they don't want what has been organised

My xh was like that. Always asked me what to do, never gave an opinion but resented me making the choices if he had chosen not to take part in the discussions about said choices.

Him; what shall we do?
Me; what about x?
Him; no
Me; y (thing children like)?
Him; can't be arsed with that
Me; z (thing he usually likes)?
Him; we do that all the time...
Me; what do you suggest then?
Him; I don't know...
Me; why don't you google what's going on this weekend here or have a look at the NT website to see if there are any events?
Him; ok, doesn't seem to be anything happening...

But I think what is materially different here is the examples the op gave - the repeatedly asking the same question whilst child acting up, his wife had done the shopping a few hours before he asked about the milk and the infamous 'waffling'.

I never felt that contemptuous about xh, I would have been ecstatic if he had given me any response in important discussions other than 'ok' or 'I thought that's what you wanted me to do' (no I was asking you how you wanted us to handle things!!!)

Can you not just open the fucking fridge?

If my DS was "hitting" me I think it would be perfectly reasonable for my DP to step into the argument without my explicit permission.

My DM uses the failure to respond to make sure nothing is ever her fault. Because she didn't say yes or no and you decided, you are to blame.

I don't see the stepping in as an issue necessarily. It is stepping in, his wife telling him he was making things worse and then him choosing to round on her repeatedly asking her to repeat something she said and that he already heard that is the issue for me.

It really doesn't matter if it was said in a 'calm voice' it was still aggressive and unhelpful.

Lundy Bancroft has a heartbreaking anecdote of a woman - who had managed to get out of an abusive relationship - sitting in a petrol station crying uncontrollably because she did not know what petrol pump to go to. For years, whatever one she had chosen had been the 'wrong' one and led to more abuse.
My abusive ex also used to, quite deliberately, find something wrong with every shop I did.

He also said that I was 'too soft' on the children and would speak to and about both me and them with the same contempt that the OP shows in the posts.

I actually think a lot of the people who don't answer yes or know are the abusive ones. Nothing is ever their fault and if anything goes wrong then they will be the first to let you know

Oliversmumsarmy is spot on - my exDP used to do exactly that.
It's so tiresome and frankly makes you want to bang your head against a brick wall.
Stewart, you have my sincere sympathy!

Yep Oliver's can be...

But it still doesn't change my opinion about what the op has described himself doing and thinking.

Being evasive is really unproductive and can be quite abusive if it is combined with unexpressed expectations and punishments for getting things wrong.

But feeling contemptuous towards your partner and expressing contempt through what you say and do can also be.

I'm going off the OP's side - which does not cover him in glory, particularly the opening criticism and then the dismissing 'waffling'.

Saying 'do you realise you (insert criticism)' is so confrontational it renders a productive discussion nigh on impossible and then just dismissing the response as waffle is horrendous.

It sounds as if you think your wife's an idiot. Why would you stay married if you believe that? You'd both be happier apart. You clearly don't trust her to make any decisions properly. If you live separate lives it won't be your business or your problem. You can do everything your way, she can go do things her way even if it's all wrong, you won't have to concern yourself with any of it. Go find someone who thinks about things the way you do!

RE the shopping, are you sure she wants the items you say she forgot to get? Does she ask you to get them? Maybe she'd like you to stop looking over her shoulder and correcting her mistakes and just let her get on with it.

It really doesn't matter if it was said in a 'calm voice' it was still aggressive and unhelpful. [Offred]

I actually think his insistence that he was calm in his narrative here is very telling. What he is suggesting is that his wife is some sort of hysterical, out of control mess (who doesn't know the answer to simple questions)..

Not only is he right 100% of the time, he is calm, rational, in control of himself. Only someone with a great need to see himself as completely superior in every possible way would emphasise how calm he was.

What downstairspoo says just sounds like goading for a fight.
My DH can do stuff a bit like that if he is in a bad mood about something and sort of wants to take it out on me by, what seems to me, making me upset and angry too. He claims often not to be able to find things. Inferring that it is my way of storing stuff to blame or 'someone' has put it in the wrong place, obviously meaning me as there are only two of us in the house.

You ahve to learn to ignore or to work out what they are angry about in the first place, and then ignore.

Downstairspoo why couldn't you have answered yes or no

That's the issue.

I think with the op it has built over time. I am not in the least bit abusive but until I came up with asking a question and putting a time limit for the answer I would be like the op asking again and again trying to get an answer
It drives you up the wall.

When someone asks you a question it is because they want an answer. For some this might be an answer they don't like but that is up to them you have answered. But for others they just want you to check the fridge that you are stood next to and give them a yes or no answer.

There is an awful lot of projecting of what might or might not happen or what someone's reaction will be going on.

Just answer the damn question

Do you know where the car keys are?
Yes.

My MIL never answers yes or no either, it drives me mad, but I would never tell her that as I know she was terribly abused, mentally, by her family as a child and then the poor women ended up married to FIL who carried it on, with a bit of physical abuse for good measure, till he died.

I feel a bit like the OP's wife. The milk question would irritate me, because for some unknown reason every single aspect of home life is my responsibility... If I ask him why he doesn't do shopping/ housework he'll say he doesn't know what we need or doesn't know what needs cleaning. Like I've got some wife app installed in my brain so I don't need to look in the fridge or cupboards.
I'm totally guilty of not giving a straight yes or no a lot of the time, I'm accused of "waffling" and giving lengthy rhetorical answers.
It's because he tries to shut me down so much. Like in a courtroom scenario, when the witness is asked a question, and they have to answer yes or no, but aren't allowed to justify or explain why they've done or said something.
If I try to explain my point of view, or air a grievance, I can't always say what I need to say in a short sentance of 5 words, sometimes I need a whole "paragraph ". But he jumps on my " opening" words which are then taken out of context and quite often ridiculed, while I get more and more distraught (and sometimes hysterical) because I haven't been "allowed" to speak my own mind.
I often resort to texting my POV in a calm and concise manner but he ignores them anyway.
I could give up, and give yes and no answers, probably life would be easier and there'd be less arguments.
But why should I?

I was like this with my ex husband.
The reason was he was was an emotional/verbal/physical abuser and any asnwer I gave him turned out in a huge argument, I never knew what was the best answer to give as he always had a better answer, usually the opposite to what my answer was. So my usually response was ~ I don't know, whatever or I don't mind.

Why is your son HITTING his mother?!