Wife who cannot answer Yes or No to any question

[Stewart2017]

Sounds trivial I know, but my wife just cannot (will not) answer yes or no. Ever.
And it turns minor disputes into big arguments daily. And needlessly.

Example tonight - kid kicks off bad behaviour with mum, it's getting very aggressive and I run upstairs quickly to deal strictly with young teenager. Kid continues on at me, and my wife then criticises me for causing issue!

Clearly untrue, and son seizes on this and torments and name calls me. I ask my wife is she genuinely thinks it was my fault, and I get a "don't know" or "you are ruining the night" when I feel the opposite.

Aggrieved I keep asking calmly does she really think it my fault, and asking for a yes or no to clear up any misunderstanding.

We then argue while kid laps it all up and laughing. This is no way to act in front of kid and why on earth am I being blamed.
She just will never answer a straight question. No matter how basic.

This is daily. Earlier today I asked "shall I pick up milk when I'm out?"
She'll answer "mind phone your Dad"
Yeah I will. But do we need milk?
She'll answer after about 5 attempts at question "I don't know"
Shall I come back inside and check fridge?
She'll answer "just go!"
OK, but do we need milk yes or no?
..... and on and on.

Sounds trivial writing get it down, but it is driving me bonkers.
She is intelligent and holds down a decent job. She not ill or anything.
Just seems utterly bizarre that no matter the question she cannot answer clearly. Ever.

I've explained why. Because there is not enough information to make that conclusion. I have also advised that the OP and DW need to improve their communication. I said that a few times now.

I'm not making it about me. You are. I'm trying to make it about the OP. The quote of mine you posted is about giving the OP a fair go. As pointed out by SherlockStones, why the need for hyperbole from pp?

The only conclusions I have made are that they have communication problems and that he is at least equal in causing them and that his last post is spookily similar to the conversation related by LB under the mr right heading. That what comes across from his posts to me is that he has contempt for his wife and that he thinks she can't parent, can't shop and can't even answer simple questions.

He may not mean for that to be what comes across but I would be willing to bet that most people on the receiving end of what he has described would feel their partner thought they were an idiot and that they were constantly angry about that.

Agree with Scottishdiem.

People will respond from their own experiences. I am someone who can be evasive and indecisive, especially when I'm anxious or depressed. My DH is not a bully. However, my father is, and I grew up being criticised a lot, so trying to avoid giving the wrong answer and sometimes inadvertently giving none at all is a defence mechanism.

So I wouldn't have said on the evidence of the wife's evasion that she was definitely in an EA relationship. It could be a habit learned as a child, or in a past relationship, or maybe her confidence is low for other reasons (such as depression/stress/being distracted).

However, the OP hasn't just talked about her reaction, they've also provided us with some context, which would suggest that he is at least part of the communication problem. In the argument, it was clear she thought he had contributed to the problem - though perhaps not caused the whole thing - demanding yes/no was argumentative and unpleasant.

As for the milk... OP either you hadn't been in the fridge recently so had no reason to assume you were low on milk after a grocery shop, so don't buy milk. Or you had noticed that you could do with an extra carton or two so just get them.

Sometimes DH will ask me if he needs to pick up something on the way home. If it's not convenient enough for me to check, I'll say I don't know - I don't - I don't keep a mental inventory and sometimes I'm busy and don't want to drop everything to do a stock check. He then makes a judgement - if he doesn't mind stopping off he'll pick up a carton because we'll likely use it before BBD even if we weren't in desperate need.

It's annoying but I think you need to think about your half of the conversation and whether you care for her. You were really dismissive of her responses.

The reply - waffle. I calmly asked specific questions and saying yes or no would do. Waffle.

Ltb. For her sake.

That's the thing... it seems like it has got to the point where the op is repeatedly tailoring his communication around a drive to get the answer he wants in the form he wants or to make a point that his wife IBU. That's a total marriage killer. If you ask someone something you should be asking because you want to understand their answer, if you try to sort out a problem or you have a frustration the only way to sort it out is to avoid direct criticism and to actually listen and consider what is communicated to you.

And you should avoid, whenever possible, having these types of discussions when angry or when around kids.

She sounds afraid of you.

I never give my mother straight answers. Because she's usually roaring her head off, or a split second away from roaring. So she gets nothing from me, because I suspect every question is a trap. If I say "Yes, we need milk" she'll blow up at me for drinking the milk. If I say we don't, she'll blow up at me for not drinking enough milk and wasting it. They are all trick questions to me, each designed to create an argument.

If my husband raises his voice, he can look forward to about a month of this too. He doesn't like it but then he doesn't raise his voice often, and is learning not to do it. I analyse each simple question to look for the tricks and traps and pitfalls. What does he really mean? If I agree to a cup of tea will he tell me that I'm lazy? If I say no to the tea will he sneer I'm on another silly diet?

Now, he's never said any of these things, but I am trapped in a cycle of my childhood. I see contempt and spite in every exchange. One raised voice and I am a child again, my mother is stalking the house like an angry raptor, spoiling for a fight, ready to ask an 'innocent' question that is anything but. And I won't answer the questions because I don't want to be yelled at.

She's frightened of you, of your raised voice and your badgery questions. "Is it my fault?" is a loaded question. If she says yes, you will yell. If she says no, you will crow that you've 'won'.

(I don't do the thing of refusing to discuss restaurants or plans. I do with my mother though, because if she says 'where shall we eat?' her response to any of my suggestions is 'that place is shit', and on and on, so yeah, basically, people learn not to engage with dickheads. So, Scruffy Boyfriend up above, maybe she fears your responses and your exasperations too much to engage any more.)

Good question George. I was giving my perspective and saying I'm sure it is irritating and I don't do it much now. But the reasons are as stated, I'm pre-empting another question, which I think might be forthcoming iyswim. it's a bad habit and its a kind of defence mechanism. I suppose it has its roots in my childhood with a very critical DF. In my head I'm thinking 'why are they asking that question?' 'Have I done everything right?' so on my part, lack of confidence I think and a bit of people pleasing.

Obv the example I gave was very simplistic, can't thinl of another one

X-post with a couple of similar experiences. It's nice to be validated.

I think when me and ex-H were having a shit time and our relationship was getting shitter...if he had written me a shopping list and I had gone shopping and I knew that I had forgotten the milk, and it would make him roll his eyes and tell me he expected nothing less because I am so shit, I would have avoided the question (to wind him up but also to not have to put up him) with the intention of going out to get milk myself later.

I have a husband who rarely gives a yes or no. Tbh he'd probably be accused of being a manchild who doesn't want to take any responsibility. By not answering yes or no it puts the onus on me to make the decision. Every. Bloody. Time. It is frustrating

Cant agree more

Dp never answers a question. His answer is "I will think about it"

Years ago we saw the perfect house. Our house was on the market and we had offers on the table. Dp looked round the house with me I asked him what he thought, should we make an offer. He replied, Let me think about it. A week later the offers on ours are getting nervy. I ask him again
He tells me he is still thinking about it. I explain it is just a yes or no answer. He says I am putting pressure on him. I take the house off the market and we never speak about the house again.

One night we are watching tv and he suddenly starts talking about the house. I at this point was wondering what he was going on about. You know the one we saw a couple of weeks ago. I am still trying to rack my brain of what he was talking about until he mentions the address.

Do you think it is still for sale I actually quite like it and I think we should put an offer in.

7 YEARS LATER

The next time after asking him and getting an answer that he will think about it I put a time limit for him to come to me to tell me he didn't want to move. Time limit up I put the house up for sale found the next place and just told him to sign the documents and on the day of moving told him I would pick him up from a certain station.

I have found you ask and then just do what you want to do and if they object point out that if they didn't want to go to Timbuktu on holiday they had the opportunity to say no.

When I ask a question I ask it because I want an answer so I have all the facts at my disposal to plan. If you don't answer me then I am not a mind reader.

You sound like a bully to me. Sorry but this reminds me of how my EA ex husband used to treat me. Any answer I gave was wrong. I don't like the sound of you one bit.

Also - your example of milk - it's hardly a live lobster. If it needs to be in the fridge unopened for a few days it's no big deal. Why even bother asking? Much better to ask if there's anything she needs as you're going out/to the shops and maybe list a few staples.

I remember being like that with my abusive XP. I knew that whichever answer I gave would be wrong and he would then go on about how stupid I was to have said it. He would ask what I wanted just so he could argue with me and put me in my place, if I chose the answer he wanted straight away he would say I had no mind of my own. He wanted to make me wrong whatever I said so I would say I dont know or not answer at all. Of course that was wrong as well

It was exhausting.

Jesus Oliversmensarmy.

7 YEARS!

You must have the patience of a saint!

I have a most pressing question op.

.

Did you need milk in the end?

7 years Oliversmum ? is he quite alright? How can a few weeks = 7 years in anyone's head?!

Oh and what exactly did the waffle constitute? Mn jury can decide whether it really was waffle or a valid response to your demand.

Oh.

Just to add to simplify things for you.

My first question shall suffice with a yes or a no answer.

My second question will require a detailed account.

Is that ok? a yes or a no will do here too

Seems the op can't answer a simple question either.

I'm not sure one who goes with stroppy silence has any sort of moral high ground!!

Sometimes when my dh is being an arse he will try and make me answer his question. It is never really that he wants to know or actually cares what my answer is. It seems to be a more a control thing in that he has asked me a question and so therefore he is entitled to an answer, It's his whole manner and usually it is about something pedantic or only marginally related to the subject we are discussing and he uses it as a a tactic to divert from the real issue. It makes me want to punch him in the face.

When I read Lundy Bancroft, "Why Does He Do That?" it applied to my sister and her micromanaging, controlling (and yes, emotionally abusive) ways of doing things. I felt that the book could just as easily been called "Why Does She Do That?" I agree with Offred that the gender question is a red herring. There are male victims of domestic violence which would, imho, imply there would also be male victims of emotional abuse.

Imho, 500 words isn't needed to tell if someone shoud leave a relationship. "He/she hit me" does it in 3. The thing about emotional abuse, however, is that it is insideous in nature. It is hard to define because someone might be having an off day, or one may forgive insults (to include a range of behaviors-some big-a lot small) that may then escalate. Some things are hard to put into words, so a socially intelligent vocabulary is needed to pin point the sneaky (for lack of better word) dynamic. Without being able to put it into words, folks are shit out of luck in figuring out what the hell is going on with manipulations, no matter how petty they seem (Death By Ten Thousand Cuts). Imho, part of the dynamic is the abusive one wanting to keep the target on the back foot so to speak so thay won't have a moment to step back and see the bigger picture or dare to confront.

OP ,what say you to buying your wife a copy of "Why Does He Do That?" ( and let her read it) so she can see if it rings any bells for her experience with you? And absolutely respect her perspective and response? It would take courage and honesty to face your own behavior. Are you up for it? Or do you think it would emasculate you too much to respect your wife's point of view to follow her plan instead of yours?

Don't expect a response andtheband.