Wife who cannot answer Yes or No to any question

[Stewart2017]

Sounds trivial I know, but my wife just cannot (will not) answer yes or no. Ever.
And it turns minor disputes into big arguments daily. And needlessly.

Example tonight - kid kicks off bad behaviour with mum, it's getting very aggressive and I run upstairs quickly to deal strictly with young teenager. Kid continues on at me, and my wife then criticises me for causing issue!

Clearly untrue, and son seizes on this and torments and name calls me. I ask my wife is she genuinely thinks it was my fault, and I get a "don't know" or "you are ruining the night" when I feel the opposite.

Aggrieved I keep asking calmly does she really think it my fault, and asking for a yes or no to clear up any misunderstanding.

We then argue while kid laps it all up and laughing. This is no way to act in front of kid and why on earth am I being blamed.
She just will never answer a straight question. No matter how basic.

This is daily. Earlier today I asked "shall I pick up milk when I'm out?"
She'll answer "mind phone your Dad"
Yeah I will. But do we need milk?
She'll answer after about 5 attempts at question "I don't know"
Shall I come back inside and check fridge?
She'll answer "just go!"
OK, but do we need milk yes or no?
..... and on and on.

Sounds trivial writing get it down, but it is driving me bonkers.
She is intelligent and holds down a decent job. She not ill or anything.
Just seems utterly bizarre that no matter the question she cannot answer clearly. Ever.

When someone asks you a question it is because they want an answer. For some this might be an answer they don't like but that is up to them you have answered. But for others they just want you to check the fridge that you are stood next to and give them a yes or no answer.

Oh if only this were true, Oliversmumsarmy.

Unfortunately, when you are dealing with someone who needs to be right all the time and considers himself a hero because he gets the shopping right, a question about milk is not a question about milk.

The real question he is asking is, 'Did you forget to get milk again like you always do?' A 'Yes' brings on a sneer and perhaps a roll of the eyes or maybe he is the type who sighs heavily, and a simple 'No' is still acknowledging that the 'like you always do' part is admitted.

A retort to him that involves any element of frustration with him or anger at being humiliated or reminded of a past failure to remember the milk will result in him very calmly talking down at her, reminding her that he is the rational and reasonable one and she is an idiot.

And so he doesn't have to take responsibility for anything too, I would guess.

But I have been where the op has been I am passed the raging I have found the time limit is the way to get round it.

The fact he comes up with an answer many years after the event when it is too late means he can say he does answer.

Maybe you should take a look at the effect you are having on your H, Oliversmumsarmy.

Do you really keep a tab of questions asked and the answers that come years later? How do you know for instance that his thoughts on the school so many years later were related to your question?

Why do you ask when you know you are going to get no answer?

Why is it important to you that he answers?

i agree with mathanxiety and offred. this is not a pretty picture.

I think I'm a bit like this with my oh, and it's part of a complicated pattern where I don't want to be answering lots of questions, as I often feel like I'm being organised or dragged into an agenda that is not mine. I can feel like my oh would rather organise my time than short his own out, or that he can poke his nose in when things are running smoothly. He' s a teacher, and just really used to being in charge and organising other people.
I don't know if this sheds any light on your situation, but it might ring some bells.

And I think the subtext of not giving a straight answer is " leave me alone" often quite irrationally, as I need lots of space.

Dp has never answered a question he hasn't t with anyone else even before I met him (old school reports say something to this effect) it is not something I have had any effect on but as the person who has lived with him the longest it effects me more than with his friends or family. His mother is the same. She avoids answering questions. But it is taken to extreme and she doesn't answer questions that need to be answered and has caused huge misery within the family.
It would definitely out me if I told you when asked something what she replied.
Every single person i told in RL couldn't believe what she did and thought it was at best totally bizarre and at worse extremely cruel.

Some of his friends I know have cottoned on to what he is like When dp makes pa comments about how I am in charge I have heard the reply "Well someone has to otherwise nothing would get done"

I ask for his opinion on stuff more in the hope that at some stage he will have some input and also so he can never turn round and say I never asked him.

I don't keep a tally of what I asked but when presented with literature from a load of primary schools when they are in year 8 and we are unable to act on any of his suggestions in his mind he has answered and I am the one to not take any notice of his suggestions.

Atm I am looking at colleges in the area for ds to start Sept 2018. I have told him this. His reply was why was I bothering as I had a good couple of years before I needed to actually sort anything out.

Ok but you don't have to stay with him.

If it makes things so difficult and you so unhappy you really have a choice of tolerating it or leaving him to it.

Your family sounds deeply dysfunctional. Including you. Get help.

Why would I leave I get to do exactly what I like.

Dp could have some input if he chooses to answer a question or two in a timely fashion but he prefers not to.

He is also terminally ill another issue of him not answering questions directly. It really is sad that he couldnt answer yes or no to a doctor and by the time he got to the point that I had to help him into the doctors surgery and answer the questions on his behalf it was too late. Having said that the doctors should have seen by his notes that something was awfully wrong

That's sad oliver'smum.

People have reasons for their behaviour. We can't always work out whether they are benefitting from it or acting from old, old habits.

As I have already mentioned my DM does this. I imagine she likes to think of herself as 'bullied'. She sees herself as a victim with everyone forcing her to do things she didn't really want to do. I have stepped right back and now she has to make decisions for herself, she still blames my dad who died several years ago.
"If your dad hadn't got that loan I would be OK financially". I remember the discussion.
DF - should I get this loan?
DM - it's up to you
DF - do we really need it?
DM - I can't think about it now
Df -(shouting) alright I'll get the bloody money

So he makes the decision and she claims he bullied her. Looking back I now think the passive aggression was her way of bullying him.

Being passive can be very controlling behaviour.

DH does this to me - I mean he interferes when I am dealing with the kids. I NO NOT need him riding to my rescue thank you very much. If I needed help I would ask for it.

When you join in like that it undermines her and disables her strategy for bringing the problem to a close and turns it into a zero sum situation. And you DO not then continue the argument in front of the children - so damaging. Forcing her to say yes or no in that situation is simply infantile and has nothing to do with the problem with your child - another zero sum situation where it didn't need to be.

Sometimes yes or no isn't the appropriate answer.

It's really sad that he is dying but it is not OK to just take the attitude of 'I get to do what I like' whatever the situation.

I was not prepared to get to that point with XH because I consider it exploitative and wrong. I don't see it as a partnership and therefore not a relationship and I don't think 'you are doing something wrong so I'm gonna stoop to your level' is going to result in anything other than sadness for everyone.

The child was HITTING his wife. I would expect my DP to step in and help. I would step in if my teenage son was hitting my DP he would expect it.

This wasn't a minor incident - it was physical.

It would be undermining for the whole family if physical aggression isn't condemned by BOTH parents very clearly. Ten years from now we get a thread " my husband thinks its OK to hit me because he hit his mother and his dad let him."

My child sometimes lashes out and hits me but I know the best way of calming the situation down and believe me someone else stepping in just makes things worse. It doesn't matter how well intentioned the person is they will make things worse. It's not as simple as saying yes you should step in, you really do need to know whether you will be helping the situation or not.

I didn't see the bit about hitting. Funny way to describe it in the OP though - 'aggressive'.

Someone else stepping in this is the child's father.

I would think it is vital that the male role model in the house makes it clear it is not acceptable to hit anyone. If the OP had remained in the kitchen while this 'aggressive row' had continued surely that would have sent out a terrible message?

I would think it is vital that the male role model in the house makes it clear it is not acceptable to hit anyone would think it is vital that the male role model in the house makes it clear it is not acceptable to hit anyone

But the op was focused on getting an answer out of his wife not supporting her over the son's behaviour so whether he is a parent or not is irrelevant he wasn't helping the situation.

I think it might have been helpful or not helpful depending on what the OP actually did and what the wife was already doing. His dismissive attitude re his wife's parenting and his escalation of the situation by being PA re repeatedly demanding she answer leads me to tend to wonder if the son is modelling his father's contempt towards his mother... but then he has only posted twice so guess we'll never get more info!

getting very aggressive and I run upstairs quickly to deal strictly with young teenager. Kid continues on at me, and my wife then criticises me for causing issue!

He supported his wife, she criticised him, then he asked questions. He was criticised in front of the son after stopping aggressive behaviour. I would have probably lost my temper at that point!

Running to help when the son was aggressive, is this really dismissive? I would run to help my DP in this situation wouldn't you?

This is the dismissive part - I am speechless at that. But is nothing new. A "rod for her own back" people say.

If his motivation was helping his wife or even 'dealing strictly' with the son, when his son started name calling why was his response to escalate the argument further by repeatedly asking her to repeat what she had said?

XBF would say 'well I am not just going to let something like that go. It needed a strong response'

What it needed was for them to sort out their parenting differences away from the children.

What it isn't is an example of his wife being unable to answer simple questions.

It is a pathetic argument in front of their children.