He is blaming mumsnet for our split

[Emmerdalefan]

Very long story but the jist is this.
Married since 2007 but together for 19 years (I was 15 he was 24) . We both have never had another partner or slept with anyone else so a very special bond we both felt we had. Anyways he is a farmer and we have 4 dcs . His mother and brother are a nightmare and I am now nc. I don't even know why they hate me but basically since we got married they turned on me. Constant criticism of anything I do and loads and loads of verbal abuse and horrible nasty comments said about me to my children . They use dh inheritance as black mail and threaten him constantly if he walks away from farm he will get nothing. He is only a shareholder partner or summit . Iv no idea what that is. I have no involvement in financial side as it's all kept hush hush. I have supported him dutifully for years with kids and he works 7 days a week every day of year. I am sat at home with kids whilst he trots off to the main Farm (where mil and brother live ) where most of the work is done. Anyways I'm rambling. We live in a big house 1 mile away owned by dh parents . I hate it as I just want us to have our own family home. I don't want him to leave farm just want our own home that feels like it's ours and not theirs. He refuses to stand up to his mil and so iv left . I am in rented accommodation with kids. He has ea me for years and chipped away at my self esteem . I started reading MN threads and realised what iv put up with for years is very bad ea. I have tons of things I could tell you. I have another thread on here called " vile narcassist mil ruining our marriage" which explains everything. I did leave him but came back as he promised to change blah blah blah anyways he hasn't so I'm off again and this time I'm done . No more chances and I do not love him anymore. He has chose his family over me and refuses to move to a house of our own. Anyways he says it's mumsnet that has filled my head full of crap and it's mumsnet fault why I am leaving as it's put silly ideas in my head. He says there is no such thing as ea and it's just a bunch of evil woman hating on men ??? I know this is jumbled but I'm crying my eyes out and am so broken I can't think straight. I feel like his family have won and it kills me knowing they will be jumping for joy that they have their precious son all back to themselves . Farmers are so greedy and protective of assets that they don't like anyone marrying into it . I honestly have never cared about his money and don't want a penny from him. I just wanted one big happy family all together on the farm. They won't allow this and his parents made it clear that nobody is allowed to be part of the family unless blood. I even offered to sign a pre nup ?? Anyways it doesn't matter now as I have left him (nearly- waiting of new house being ready ) . It kills me knowing they have won amd got what they wanted all along. He is a spineless bastard for not telling them to fuck off . Arghhhh so sorry for rambling. Anyways apparently it's all mumsnet fault for filling my head full of rubbish ??

Yes he does have staff. He has 6 farm hands employed. My son and elder daughter really do love the farm but all ready dh says "son one day all this will be yours" I am all ready onto this like shit on a stick tho and speak to ds lots about how men should treat women and the farm should never take priority over his own family. Iv also told him he is not leaving g school at 16 to go straight to working on farm. He is to do an agricultural course at college and get some formal qualifications that he can use if he decides not to be a farmer xx

I remember you

Just wanted to offer my support, I'm so sorry about your darling dad. I'm so glad you are doing this, stay strong. Your life is about to become so much better xx

I think your wording about the number of staff he has is confusing.

Am I right in thinking your in laws have 6 farm hands your dh is only an employee also.

I agree with the poster who said the farm inheritance is like a milestone around your neck.

OP, your MIL doesnt sound very eduvye

Sorry sent too soon in error.
*Your MIL is a nasty and
controlling matriarch. Such people go to all lengths to have their own way. Be careful.

Yes my dh is on paper just an employee . They also have 6 farm hands working on farm. They ironically are better paid than dh . It's all a tax dodge . Also he is constantly told he will inherit milions so does not need a wage that's substantial and within normal uk guidelines. It's all very fckd up and even I don't understand it completely. His staff work 5 days a week amd earn more than him if you went by the official books. My dh does a lot of cash jobs ( emptying slurry stored , removing garden waste for people etc etc ) which amount to over a grand at least per month x

Thank you once again for all the lovely comments. He has been kicking off again tonight saying I spend too much time listening to mumsnet shite and I need to get a real life instead of listening to angry women on a pathetic site that women go to who can't manage looking after their kids or husband !!! Haha what a dick head

I'm sorry Emmerdale. You don't need this shit.

Any news on your rental?

Just had an email tonight asking me to ring estate agent tomorrow regarding my guarantor referencing? ?? My guarantor is my man and her boss is yet to fill out forms so I hope it is just to say they are waiting of him completing forms. I'm worried if I'm honest? The email has un nerved me. My mam is my guarantor and has a perfect credit history . The email just said ease ring us tomorrow regarding your guarantors referencing? ? I'd emailed first asking for progress and that was there reply xx

I am able to pay 6months up front so I'm hoping this will be enough to secure my rental property . It's my dream home and iv my heart set on it. Xx

He is a card carrying nob.

I hope you really enjoy the freedom of having your own place. Make sure you set the boundaries. Laugh at his threats, smile at his patronising comments and do the two fingered tap dance (think snoopy dance whilst flicking the bird with both hands) when you are finally feel free of his hideous family.

Xxx

Ps make sure you get legal advice

I think you need to keep reminding both him and your children of the truth.

Telling children that one day all of this will be yours is more than likely a lie. He doesn't own anything so cant go around saying what other people might or might not give them in the future is deluded at best.

I think your children especially the older ones do need you to show them an alternative life style. You do need to have them every other weekend.

Great if they want to go into farming but get as many qualifications as possible and make sure they know that the farm will more than likely not pass to their father and so what he says is to be taken with a pinch of salt. And even if it does it means nothing unless he sells up. His life will just go on as normal.

A business is great if it provides for your family and affords you a nice house, clothes, holidays family experiences nights out weekends away.
A business becomes a liability if you spend every moment of the day keeping it going and not getting paid anything for it.

On paper you could be a multi millionaire but unless those investments pay you an excellent return and you have time to do stuff then it is pointless. What your dh is doing is ludcrous.

My eldest dd is very academic and a grade A student. She is in year 9 and has her heart set on becoming a large animal vet Ie horses , cows , sheep etc etc . Her teachers have said she has the academic potential to complete her veterinary training so that is something I'm grateful of. She does like the farm but wants to get a degree and go to uni. It's my ds who is praying that he can just leave school at 16 and work on farm. I have told him no way and he must go to college and get some qualifications under his belt . He doesn't seen beat pleased but understands that it's wise to have something to fall back on. To be honest farming is becoming more and more academic these days as to do certain jobs on the farm you have to have qualifications . X

Sounds like sensible courses of action for both ds and dd.

Any news from the agents?

Yeah iv passed ctedit checks wooohoooo so house move can go ahead. Only thing is I have to have a guarantor as the farmhouse is not mine so as my mam is a home owner she is bring guarantor for me. Just waiting of her checks being completed then it should be all systems go and I get my move in date wooohoooo I can't bliddy wait

It's very uncomfortable at home when he comes in. He is sleeping on sofa and when he comes in I just go and sit in bedroom and watch TV or mumsnet. On a morning we make small talk but he literally wakes has his cuppa , bowl of cereal then takes eldest 2 dc to bus stop at 740am ( he passes bus stop to get to dairy farm) for their bus so he isn't around much on a morning. He still isn't home now so I don't see much of him at all . Just want to get moved in to new house as I hate it when I hear door and he comes home. Never sure what mood he will be in. Some nights he says he loves me and wants me to stay other nights he calls me a home wrecking bitch. He will not take one bit of responsibility and says he has done NOTHING at all wrong. He is only fooling himself though. Deep down he knows what he has done . He just never thought I'd get the strength to stand up to him oh and he thought I'd want to stay around for the money but money means nothing without happiness. I'd rather be skint and happy tbh xxx

Yeah😀

The atmosphere must be awful for you, just bind your time
It's good he's not around that much, gives you more space away from him

Do the dc know of the new house move?

No doubt he's told the witch of the move, and she will be putting her bit in stirring it.

I bet it's like Emmerdale village, large stone cottage house 🏡
Can you ride a horse 🐴 and milk a cow 🐮
Love Emmerdale

X

What is the god of millions if you have no time or are too old to enjoy it.

Maybe me being paranoid but I would be careful he doesn't get wind that you are moving and has the kids alone in his car. Some people can snap.

I wish it was emmerdale and not my real life. Yes I do ride horses and milk cows but it's no soap opera. It's my REAL LIFE.

My house move is going through and we are just muddling through best we can. He is out all day and he he comes home I go into bedroom and he stays on sofa.

The children know. The younger ones seem oblivious and the teenagers are taking things well.

I am just worrying about being able to keep children haply and financially support them. His parents are ruthless so I know they are going to make my life hell. I all ready been threatend not to try anything funny with regards kids going to farm at weekends. I just don't know where I stand legally and I don't have the money for lawyers like they do ??? I have always been the main cater of kids and I'm terrified they will take them away xz

What do u mean oliversmummy

If you are low paid and on befefits - you may get some legal aid - but I think it's limited

Yes iv Google legal aid today. Because of ea and my finances gov.uk said I may qualify for legal aid but I have to get in touch with cab first to explore further x

Or I'm so sorry if I offered you, I really was just thinking of Emmerdale and the countryside because I live in the city

Go on turn2us and do a benefit check and see what you will be entitled to, this may settle you a bit knowing what you may get financially and don't forget you will get maintenance of HIM.

You can get a free 30 mins with solicitor, so you could write your questions down on a list and see how far you get on your list with one then go to another then another without paying anything👌

If you have always looked after dc, AppStore ,school meetings,doctors etc etc then why would they give them to him! Plus he hasn't the time or possibly the incline of looking after 4 dc and work!!
Try not to be scared because they have money, money doesn't always talk!
Love,care,happiness means much more.

Do you have your mum to talk to? Or any close girl friends?

Take care x

Its you here of husbands and wives who split and when they are in charge of the children they snap and end up driving into a river or something similar. It might just hit him he has a below minimum wage job no home of his own no wife no kids and no prospects.

If his family are threatening you even more reason to keep the kids close.

Just be very careful

Just read this, OP, you sound amazing. I wish I had a quarter of your energy.

I do think though that, while being the victim of abuse, your DH has become very abusive. The line about blaming mumsnet, for example, is just so typical. My ex used to blame a friend of mine for any idea he didn't like, as if I were incapable of having a thought of my own.

Good luck in your new home.

I also know farming families who don't want any 'poorer' women marrying in, and also one that kept the son as an employee because they didn't like the wife. The son's parents no longer lived on the farm but the 'farmer' (son) was an employee.