He is blaming mumsnet for our split

[Emmerdalefan]

Very long story but the jist is this.
Married since 2007 but together for 19 years (I was 15 he was 24) . We both have never had another partner or slept with anyone else so a very special bond we both felt we had. Anyways he is a farmer and we have 4 dcs . His mother and brother are a nightmare and I am now nc. I don't even know why they hate me but basically since we got married they turned on me. Constant criticism of anything I do and loads and loads of verbal abuse and horrible nasty comments said about me to my children . They use dh inheritance as black mail and threaten him constantly if he walks away from farm he will get nothing. He is only a shareholder partner or summit . Iv no idea what that is. I have no involvement in financial side as it's all kept hush hush. I have supported him dutifully for years with kids and he works 7 days a week every day of year. I am sat at home with kids whilst he trots off to the main Farm (where mil and brother live ) where most of the work is done. Anyways I'm rambling. We live in a big house 1 mile away owned by dh parents . I hate it as I just want us to have our own family home. I don't want him to leave farm just want our own home that feels like it's ours and not theirs. He refuses to stand up to his mil and so iv left . I am in rented accommodation with kids. He has ea me for years and chipped away at my self esteem . I started reading MN threads and realised what iv put up with for years is very bad ea. I have tons of things I could tell you. I have another thread on here called " vile narcassist mil ruining our marriage" which explains everything. I did leave him but came back as he promised to change blah blah blah anyways he hasn't so I'm off again and this time I'm done . No more chances and I do not love him anymore. He has chose his family over me and refuses to move to a house of our own. Anyways he says it's mumsnet that has filled my head full of crap and it's mumsnet fault why I am leaving as it's put silly ideas in my head. He says there is no such thing as ea and it's just a bunch of evil woman hating on men ??? I know this is jumbled but I'm crying my eyes out and am so broken I can't think straight. I feel like his family have won and it kills me knowing they will be jumping for joy that they have their precious son all back to themselves . Farmers are so greedy and protective of assets that they don't like anyone marrying into it . I honestly have never cared about his money and don't want a penny from him. I just wanted one big happy family all together on the farm. They won't allow this and his parents made it clear that nobody is allowed to be part of the family unless blood. I even offered to sign a pre nup ?? Anyways it doesn't matter now as I have left him (nearly- waiting of new house being ready ) . It kills me knowing they have won amd got what they wanted all along. He is a spineless bastard for not telling them to fuck off . Arghhhh so sorry for rambling. Anyways apparently it's all mumsnet fault for filling my head full of rubbish ??

Thank the lord for Mumsnet and giving the information you needed to make your own decisions.

Hope the new house is ready soon.

Not the same situation but my estranged husband is an alcoholic and drug addict and as soon as I stopped putting up with his bs he immediately lashed out at my mother. It's all her fault for filling my head with the idea that he's a drunken druggie. For a long, long time he held fast to the idea that if he could just cut my mother out of my life I'd be willing to live with him in his constant zonked out state. (The actual fact is that when he relapsed when I was pregnant, there wasn't a chance in hell that I'd allow our son to live with an addict.)

But men like that (and women of the same ilk too, I'm sure) look for an easy target. You aren't willing to put up with his shit anymore but instead of looking to himself as to blame he just wants to blame the things that are giving you the strength to help you change your own life. Well done to you, and fuck him.

It kills me knowing they have won
Actually, the opposite is true - if you leave him, he and his family are the losers.

There are far more important / precious things in life than wealth and property; money doesn't phone for a natter, invite you to spend Christmas, go shopping with you, visit when you're sick, build sandcastles with you, go to the park with you.

People get older, lonelier, and too late they will realise just what they have lost.

Sounds to me that he's being emotionally abused as well, to be honest. And I would say he's in denial and therefore feels that someone is filling your head with this. If he was able to read what you have read, it seems to me he would gradually come to the same conclusion, like you have.

Let him think what he wants to think. You know that you have done the right thing by yourself and your children now.

Continue to do the right thing and get legal advice for some form of a settlement. You and the children need to live as comfortably as possible.

It's a demeaning thing to do to you, to deny you credit for coming to any conclusion on your own at all, it must have been mumsnet that made you assert yourself!

My x was the same ''did you read that in a magazine he sneered "

It doesn't matter what changed your perspective. It has changed and it won't change back.

his parents made it clear that nobody is allowed to be part of the family unless blood

This is creepy as fuck.

You and your DC will very much be the "winners" here OP, because you have removed them from a horrible, toxic atmosphere with a father they barely know.

Please do seek legal advice asap. The maintenance is not for you, it's for the DC. (Although do be prepared that his parents may officially sack him and pay him cash under the table from now on in order to prevent the CSA doing an attachment of earnings.)

You have taken a really brave and strong step by leaving. Well done. Be really proud of what you've done. It's so hard to leave a relationship like this, when you're constantly being told by the abuser "You won't cope without me", "You're worth nothing", "Nobody else is going to take you on", "It's those evil bitches at work/on mumsnet/at womens aid who just hate men, bunch of lesbians, putting ideas in your head".

He is full of shit. You are now an adult and he cannot manipulate you as he did when you were a child. Keep strong

"he is a farmer

I don't see how this is relevant?"

Try reading the OP and the thread again. Of course, it's relevant.

"I honestly don't want any money off him or maintenance ."

How will you support your children if you do not take maintenance. Do you work and earn enough to keep your family without financial imput from their father? Even if you do, he should still support his children.

"but he still won't stand up and get our own home ( we can afford it) ."

How can you and he afford your own home if he is "on a pathetic wage (less than minimum for hours he does)" ? That doesn't make sense. (Unless, of course, your own income is significantly higher than his).

"Even day of dad's funeral he went back to work after dumping me at home with 4 dcs crying my eyes out."

That is awful. Did he ask you if you would be alright? Did he offer to stay? He should have stayed anyway, I'm only asking in case there were circumstances by which he could have convinced himself you were fine and okay with him going to work.

Even day of dad's funeral he went back to work after dumping me at home with 4 dcs crying my eyes out.

This is terrible. I'm so sorry he did this.

The years of a toxic mother have rooted deep in his bones.

Whilst not all farmers are the same, the issues around ownership and inheritance give rise to these issues and it's far from the first time I've heard this.

I know toxic parents exist in all walks of life, but the whole farm ownership thing is relevant here because he works with the family. Could be the same with any other family business, where the husband works for the company.

They haven't won. There are no winners in a situation like this. If anything, you have stood your ground and freed yourself of many more miserable years ahead.

Focus on your children and yourself from now on. Be the best mum you can to them and raise them to the best of your ability, because your DH hasn't got a clue and they need one parent who puts them first.

Sounds to me that he's being emotionally abused as well, to be honest.

MilkGoatee, the nappy story was heartbreaking, wasn't it?

they need one parent who puts them first

Emmerdalefan, that's what it boils down to

Stay strong for your children

Am just in the middle of reading your other thread (that you refer to in you OP ), Emmerdale.

If that is even half true (and I'm sure it is ... I'm not questioning you, it's just that I'm still reeling at the thought of this man who won't come home to let you go to your dying father's side or who tell's you that he doesn't give a fuck if your father has cancer ) so, if that thread is even half true, run Emmerdale ... grab your kids and go ... don't look back, don't fret, don't wonder about 'what ifs', just go.

Start again. You are young. Do you really want to waste the next twenty years?

This time.

Start again.

I know a farming wife in virtually the same situation. She moved to a flat, the DH joined her and things have improved - at least in the sense that she now feels she has her own life, is studying etc. as opposed to being trapped inside a not very nice family where she was second class to them all. I feel for you, she went / is going through hell with it all. You've done the right thing in leaving

He sounds like a twat and if he wants to blame me I'm fine with it
Well done at taking the first steps to freedom OP

I've seen this attitude quite a bit in land owning farmers, also in family business owners. Not universal but certainly not uncommon where the new DiL or SiL isn't bringing assets to the union. Similarly declaring sub minimum wage income is very easy in this situation.

As others have said - stay strong. You have to think also about the model of behaviour being set for your own DCs in the longer term. They need protecting from an EA family as much as you do or they will pick up a lot of the same patterns.

Just well done for walking away. If you could afford a house then there is a financial settlement for you to be given to look after the DC.

It's laughable H ow MIL sees her DH and son every lunchtime but you're not allowed to.

KOKO the future will be better x

Emmerdale, I think you are doing the right thing. I'm sorry to say that as your children get older, they too will have the carrot of inheriting the farm dangled in front of them.

I'm curious - did MIL marry into the farm, or was she the one that inherited it?

The week dad was dying the macmillan team kept saying that today is possible dad would pass away. He was very raspy and completely un concious. The day dad died I called to mams to see if she needed help and to hold dad's hand as I did everyday. He knew I was there I'm sure. He was extremely raspy and gurgling so as a nurse I knew it was more like hours than days he had left . I rang dh and begged him to come home after I'd collected dc from school at 330 his exact words were " no I fucking won't come home, you have said for days he is gunna die so no I won't fucking come home" I was in shock. I plodded on with school run and cooking tea for everyone when at 6 pm my brother rang to say dad had passed . I was so upset I wasn't with him as I'd been to every hospital appointment and cared for him at home everyday with mam. Not once did dh take any time off so I could go alone to dad's or the hospital. Anyways I text dh "dad is dead" he rang immediately but I didn't answer. He then walked in the house 5 minutes later . I walked straight past him and never said a word and got in car to mams.I couldn't bring myself to speak to him after he had been so cruel. I got home about 1030 pm to find his mother sitting on my sofa with dcs. She said he had to go amd chase cows as they had escaped . She coukd allowed her distraught grieving grandchildren to stay with their daddy and he didn't have the balls to say "no my kids need me" my kids were so upset as they were super close to dad. Even my dh and my dad got on well so I domt know why he turned so cruel ? The whole ten months of dad being poorly he was so very cruel and not th man I knew. I honestly couldn't believe some of the disgusting things he woukd say. He says he now regrets these things and he just felt helpless and didn't know what to do or say ??? God knows ???

The reason we could afford a house is because on paper he gets minumum wage but he gets a lot of cash from a sideline business he has going. Also I am a nurse and we have had a mortgage in the past . We both have good credit so should be accepted . We owned a 3 bed house we rented out but have now sold. Granted we couldn't afford a house the size we have now with stables and land but we could afford a 4 bed house in a nearby village. I don't mind that we would be downsizing as it would be our very own family home xx

His mother did Marry into the farm and her mil also was a first prize bitch. Dh has said to her she is just like her mil. That didn't go down well at all haha she honestly is like her mil but in her eyes she is perfect and always right. She is a classic narcassist

tricornel would your friend like a farmers wife email buddy to talk over things ??? I don't know anyone else in same position so I'd be very grateful to have someone to talk to that understands xx

His parents might only be 20 years older than him and might live to 80 so he will be 60 before he might inherit 1/2 a farm. Presumably his sister will inherit the other half.
Life is precious and to spend most of it doing a long hard job for no money sacrificing a marriage and watching your children grow up in the hope that one day you might get a few crumbs is pathetic and short sighted.

Fast forward to him actually inheriting the farm. How does he think his life will change.

If only blood relatives have anything to do with the farm and you have left with the children when they all die everything will be broken up anyway and the tax man will have a field day

Thank you so so much for all your lovely replies. I am feeling very excited at the prospect of setting up a new home for me and the children. I'm going to make it beautiful. Iv been looking at sofas today . I really want a crushed velvet one . I have 10 grand savings so have enough money to set myself up. I'm also going to start my own online farm toy business selling scale model farms. It's very popular amongst farming children and is something iv researched alot and I feel it is something I can make a real go of. I won't waste my savings instead I'm hoping to invest them so me and kids have a comfortable living and I can support myself and dcs . I know deep down I am doing the absolute right thing and I hope in time I will meet someone who will treat me with respect and be there for me always. Iv actually been speaking to a man via messenger for a few weeks now and we have loads in common and he too is going through a divorce (his wife left him for another bloke) . He is very respectful and has said he would like to meet up but wants me to get settled in new house first and make sure I'm defo over dh. I get butterflies when he messages me. He hasn't said anything sexual or particularly flirty he is just a nice genuine guy and he makes me feel alive again. Maybe I'm just reading too much into it ? We have a right laugh as he is so so funny. Who knows what will happen or if he even wants to meet ? He may just feel sorry for me haha I do feel a bit guilty for having these feelings towards him but i am so bloody lonely that he brightens my day xx

MIL could live well into her 90's.

My uncle, the golden child who inherited a fully-stocked farm, ran it into the ground and died alone and in debt in his mid 90's.

Presumably, the PILS can leave the farm to whom they like. No doubt the BIL drips poison into the MIL's ear so that it will all be his.

No, better to walk away and enjoy a peaceful life away from them - thats what my parent did.

I'm glad you're moving on Emmerdale, life is for living, not putting up with shit.

His brother is the golden child . Dh knows this but says his mam would never leave him out as his dad would not allow it. I dare say if his dad dies first he will get a solicitor involved to make sure she doesn't pull a stunt because he has said to me in the past he doesn't trust his mam but defo trusts his dad. His mam hacked into his facebook and was spying on me. She would have a go at dh for things I would say on Facebook and tell him she was hearing it from someone else but she wouldn't tell us who. Well it turned out it was her getting into dh facebook herself as dh caught her. She is so sly and a liar. She has opened my post before . For years she kept saying someone was spying on my fb. I never said nowt bad on fb but she said I shared to much about my life ? I am an open book and do share alot of photos etc . She says it's very crass to be so open ? She is so secretive all the time. Anyway the supposedly techno phone sure knew how to access her sons facebook. I wouldn't trust her as far as I cud throw her. Even dh says he doesn't trust her ! He says she has him trapped and he has to keep her sweet ?? What a fcking idiot he is