He is blaming mumsnet for our split

[Emmerdalefan]

Very long story but the jist is this.
Married since 2007 but together for 19 years (I was 15 he was 24) . We both have never had another partner or slept with anyone else so a very special bond we both felt we had. Anyways he is a farmer and we have 4 dcs . His mother and brother are a nightmare and I am now nc. I don't even know why they hate me but basically since we got married they turned on me. Constant criticism of anything I do and loads and loads of verbal abuse and horrible nasty comments said about me to my children . They use dh inheritance as black mail and threaten him constantly if he walks away from farm he will get nothing. He is only a shareholder partner or summit . Iv no idea what that is. I have no involvement in financial side as it's all kept hush hush. I have supported him dutifully for years with kids and he works 7 days a week every day of year. I am sat at home with kids whilst he trots off to the main Farm (where mil and brother live ) where most of the work is done. Anyways I'm rambling. We live in a big house 1 mile away owned by dh parents . I hate it as I just want us to have our own family home. I don't want him to leave farm just want our own home that feels like it's ours and not theirs. He refuses to stand up to his mil and so iv left . I am in rented accommodation with kids. He has ea me for years and chipped away at my self esteem . I started reading MN threads and realised what iv put up with for years is very bad ea. I have tons of things I could tell you. I have another thread on here called " vile narcassist mil ruining our marriage" which explains everything. I did leave him but came back as he promised to change blah blah blah anyways he hasn't so I'm off again and this time I'm done . No more chances and I do not love him anymore. He has chose his family over me and refuses to move to a house of our own. Anyways he says it's mumsnet that has filled my head full of crap and it's mumsnet fault why I am leaving as it's put silly ideas in my head. He says there is no such thing as ea and it's just a bunch of evil woman hating on men ??? I know this is jumbled but I'm crying my eyes out and am so broken I can't think straight. I feel like his family have won and it kills me knowing they will be jumping for joy that they have their precious son all back to themselves . Farmers are so greedy and protective of assets that they don't like anyone marrying into it . I honestly have never cared about his money and don't want a penny from him. I just wanted one big happy family all together on the farm. They won't allow this and his parents made it clear that nobody is allowed to be part of the family unless blood. I even offered to sign a pre nup ?? Anyways it doesn't matter now as I have left him (nearly- waiting of new house being ready ) . It kills me knowing they have won amd got what they wanted all along. He is a spineless bastard for not telling them to fuck off . Arghhhh so sorry for rambling. Anyways apparently it's all mumsnet fault for filling my head full of rubbish ??

I know several farming families who are EXACTLY as OP describes about farm assets.

He's only blaming mumsnet so he doesn't have to take responsibility for the absolutely disgusting way he's behaved.

MIL is Toxic, and I can guarantee she'll find a way of robbing DH of his inheritance, so all this will have been for nothing in the end.

OP I haven't read all the thread but I just wanted to add my support. I am from a farming background and I know several families exactly as you describe dominated by a mil who makes her dils lives miserable and are obsessed with the idea that their farm will be taken away by a dil and keep their adult sons on a pittance because of it. It's hugely relevant to your situation and your treatment by dh and family.
I feel proud of you for being able to stand up to them but obviously really sad that dh couldn't stand by you. And the nappy example on your first born is heartbreaking.
How on earth are you managing financially, you are very strong to be able to get this far. Hugs and good wishes to you. I hope for some peace and better times for you.

Iv actually been speaking to a man via messenger for a few weeks now and we have loads in common

This is a wee bit concerning. Please don't jump from the frying pan into the fire. You need a bit of time to be on your own, and learn who you really are, before you start looking for a new relationship.

You have been with someone since you were 15. Bows the time to show you are adult enough to make a happy home on your own. Introduce a new man and much sympathy from others will disappear , in clouding your DCs , given the choice of living with grumpy GPS and a new man, however nice he seems. They might go for the devil they know.

I almost cried reading how he treated you while your dad was ill. That would be unforgivable to me. What's the point of being married and you can't have the support of your spouse through such a difficult time.

I agree that you need to put boundaries in place regarding the DC.

Agree his time to see them and he can pick them up or you drop them off to him. Let him be with them on his own.

One more thing, please make sure the man you're speaking to is really getting divorced. There's a lot of lying cheaters out there.

Find out when his divorce will be final.
Go to his house and be on the lookout for anything untoward.

You sound like a really nice person and I don't want you to get deceived.

I also know a couple of farming families who are very much like this! Including the ones who have completely disowned & disinherited their own daughter - including trying to evict her from the home her grandmother had left to her in her will because it sits on farm owned land.

Her crime? Disagreeing with her brother (a.k.a. the golden child).

In the other family, my friend is the only son of seven children. He is also the youngest - throughout his childhood he was repeatedly told that they had "kept going" until they had a son, because they needed someone to pass the farm on to. His six sisters were all allowed to find jobs they were interested in & move away if they wanted to. He wasn't. His parents had his whole life mapped out for him, right down to what "sort" of woman he could marry and how many children he should have! His DM was always more controlling, and after his DF passed away the pressure to "marry well" ramped up and up. Anyway, he ended up leaving & becoming a lorry driver. He is now married to a woman his mother hates and his mother has sold the farm and split the proceeds between the six daughters.

Sorry to divert to my own stories though OP, in your case it sounds as though your DH treats you in much the same way his parents do. If his life has been so channelled into his family & the farm it's no surprise really that he sees this as normal. IMO, you both need to break free - not necessarily together.

I know 2 daughters who (not farming) were told if they worked in the family business for bed and board that one day it would be all theirs.

One daughter left when she met her dp and got disinherited but is now worth more than what the business was worth in its hay day. The other stayed and has never had a life. Still lives with her mother, the business has been sold and her mother has spent nearly all the money.
The other did try and try to tell her this would happen but she wouldn't listen.

What a horrible life you've had at such a young age.
He doesn't sound any different than his mother in the way he as treated you, there as bad as each other.
He will be prepared to see his wife and children leave, so as to not stand up to his controlling mother.
He is spineless!

How old are you and your children now? And how on earth do you manage to do what you do on the farm and have a job as a nurse? Do you work full time and shifts?

You must hold a lot of resentment towards him from over the years, he is disgusting the way he's put that farm,his mother before you and your children.

If you can afford to go it alone, DO IT
But you get financially what he owes you for putting up with a shit life when you deserve better.
He may only be on the books on minimum wage, but in his hand he gets MORE.
What wage is paid into the bank acct each week/month???

Do not let your anger against him/mil stop you from getting what financially you rightly deserve. This will get the bitches goat going, and quite frankly so.

Have you moved out already? I know you said your waiting on a new build

I don't know much about these things but wouldn't the house on the farm you have been living in be considered as part of his salary. I would have thought it would be considered akin to a company car and would be considered taxable income.

If you were to go down this route of claiming anything from him

Thanks everyone. I am definitely not going to start dating this guy. I just enjoy chatting to him. I am still living with dh because I am waiting of my new rental house going through. Hopefully next week I should get a move in date ?
We have agreed that the older kids will stay with him Friday till Sunday and he will have little ones Saturday night and bring them home Sunday morning ( he can't manage the small ones on farm as it's too dangerous when he is working)

Haribogirl the op says in her opening post she has moved out and doesn't live him anymore because of the way her and the kids have been treated but it appear he is sleeping on her sofa in the rented place which seems a bit odd.

I have been on maternity leave and took the extra year un paid. I used to work permenant nights. I would look after dcs during day , do housework and cook a meal for him coming in then head off to work. I would do 3 nights in a row. It was exhausting but I managed. I had too xx

His mam used to call me lazy for not doing full time work ( 3 nights was full time hours actually ). She would say I only worked 3 days a week which is only part time ??? She is loopy

I would be first be asking for every other weekend and him having them for a week here and there in the holidays only if he is able to have free time to look after his children otherwise you are getting the shitty end of the wedge. You are doing the Monday to Friday school runs and he is getting the weekends. When are you going to show your children fun times if at every break he has them.

I would be wanting him to be not on the farm working when he has any of the children. He is indoctrinating them into how a father should be. Ignore your wife and kids and work all the time. If this is how you want your children to grow up and treat a partner then go for it. But would you really want this for your future dil

I would go as far as having him see them in a place away from the farm and certainly not overnight if he is on call 24/7

haribo I definitely have a ton of resentment towards him. It eats away at me all the time. There are so many more things he has done that when I look back I can't believe how stupid I had been for putting up with them. I used to hang on his every word and loved him so so much. All I ever wanted was for him to put me first and would try so hard to please him thinking it would make him realise that me and the children were more important. It never happened. After dad died it was like a light bulb went on and I realised that I could either carry on feeling second best or actually put myself and dcs first and get the hell out. He hated that I got stronger and would say it was mumsnet fault for filling my head full of crap. His other favourite line is " farmers are different and you knew what I was when you married me " . He is always banging on about how our way of life is different and he has to put the farm first . He is so brain washed that I actually feel sad for him. I don't expect him to leave the farm all iv ever wanted was for him to tell his family that his wife and children are his priority and they need to mind there own business and stop bashing me. All I ever dreamt of when we first got together was being one big happy family. I had dreamt of cooking big Sunday roasts for his mam and dad and we all supported eachother and got on. What an idiot I was. I was warned when we were dating about his mam and brother but stupid teenage me thought I could make things work and we would all be one big happy family who worked together and had eachothers backs. How wrong could I have been. I still dream of a life where we all get on and love eachother ?? I am not a nasty person and I don't have an evil bone in my body. I have never once thought about taking away the farm or going for all I can money wise . That's just not who I am. When I left him last year I never asked him for a single penny the whole 6 months I was away. Anyways he says he still loves me but yet refuses to fight for me so it's game over. I am so excited to get the keys to my new home. It's absolutely beautiful and perfect for me and dcs. I just want them to be happy . They are my priority. I'm not even sad about leaving dh infact I hate him so much and pity him for being so spineless. I'm not wanting to sound big headed but he has lost a bloody good wife . Iv raised the kids pretty much by myself , worked to give us extra money , do all housework and keep a very clean smart home , have a cooked meal waiting for him coming home on a night , take him sandwiches in summer when he is busy with harvest , he always has clean clothes washed and folded or hung up , I even place his boxer shorts and a fresh towel in en suite for when he comes in and has his shower. What a fcking mug iv been. I wish someone would look after me that way. I want to marry me haha . Thank you mumsnet for making me see sense . I am forever indebted to you all xxx

oliversmummy he isn't staying with me. I am not yet moved out as waiting for my new house to be ready. I'm still at our home (the farm) and he is sleping on sofa. I hopefully will be moving into new house in a week or so . Just waiting of estate agents finalising things

He is very controlling and has threatened me with getting social services involved if I don't allow him to have kids when he says . He says he has no choice but to take them to work with him . My son who is 12 and eldest whonis 14 adore the farm and work on a weekend to earn money doing various jobs with animals etc. The younger 2 will go with him Saturday night to his home and he will spend quality time with them at home or take them out places. He said he will pick them up at 5pm. I know what your saying about me having the crap end of stick but I'm terrified he will take them off me so trying to compromise. I suffer depression and anxiety and self harmed 2 year ago when dad first got diagnosed. He says he will use this against me and take kids away if I don't do as he says. His family are ruthless and have millions so can pay for shit hot lawyers who will take kids away. His family have also payed for heavys to hit on people who step in their way . I know of 2 incidents when they have paid a couple of heavies to beat people up and scare them into pulling out of buying land etc. They are not to be messes with. Dh said if I pulled any stunts with regards stopping kids going to farm that I should watch my back as he will make me pay. That means heavies !!!

They always threaten this, take the kids away blah blah and they are full of shit. It's another way to get you to comply. Ignore.

Although is threats are awful and empty the reality is that he is a farmer and he can't have the little ones there when he is working unless MIL looks after them, so better to have the raw end of the deal and minimise the toxicness of MIL getting at your DC.

I too have seen both extremes in farming families, the utterly mean & abusive one as well as the wonderful supporting one, sorting out the asset side whilst both DC were in the twenties - one stayed with the farm the other chose a different a career.

Obviously land is the priority now doubt about it!!

I should imagine you have been though hell with him and his threats, power to his family is a bigger than ❤️

I really hope you and your dc end up having a lovely peaceful life in your new home, away from his toxic family.
The older kids let go to the farm(they love it and don't know any better)
The younger 2 will probably follow suit in later years.
But , YOU don't have to listen to his shit anymore, so the least contact you have with him the better.
Drop the kids off and drive away, if he comes to pick them up have them ready and let them walk to the car.
Less verbal contact with him the better.

You are amazing doing what you have done over the years, without any support from him and at such a young age too..

How are you going to do nights when you return? Will you be able to change? I don't know how long you have left off from work or if you intend to return back?

No wonder your excited 😊

OP,
You are truly a very strong woman for doing all you do. 4 children, you completed nursing training and you raise them pretty much on your own. You've done an amazing job.

This is an example of why women need an education and a career. If you were a SAHM you'd be trapped there. I'm not surprised you got anxiety and suffered with mental health problems.

Knowledge is power and you now have knowledge that you previously didn't. Your DH wanted you to remain clueless.

Just imagine if you had no job.

You can't change the past, but you can move forward with your life.

The stories about the heavies are frightening, I understand why you don't want to rock the boat.

I know you're just chatting to the chap online, but do be secure with your Internet net use, so that your DH doesn't find out and tell his mum, who would have a field day with that.

What you have said about SS being involved. Hasn't it dawned on him that they would not place the children with someone who is working everyday of the week around dangerous equipment and expects his children to work with him and is on call 24/7. He really is deluded.

The bit about hiring heavies makes me worry for your safety.

I also worry that your older ones are getting too involved in the farm if they are there every weekend.
Maybe they will have the big inheritance dangled infront of them too

I want to know if he did inherit the farm what difference would it make. He would be more tied to the farm than he is now. It is certainly not an inheritance a lot of people would want. It sounds more and more like a millstone slowly throttling you till you die. I would be warning your sons of this and pointing out there is more to life than farming. That is why you do need to have them every other weekend.

They all threaten the I'll get the kids taken off you. I would have laughed in his face and asked him when he would have time to do the school run and make them tea and help with homework and general washing cooking and cleaning if he couldn't spare a couple of hours to run you to see your dying father and even when he could spare a few minutes he had to be called out a moments notice to chase cattle. Given it is supposedly such a huge farm didn't they have no one else to help

He really is pathetic. He needs to think of what he actually has not what he thinks he will get.

Just as an after thought I wonder what the judge would say if he turned up with a hugely expensive solicitor but crying poverty about how much he gets paid.

Sorry I thought you had already moved out. Couldn't understand why he was sleeping on te sofa at your place.

SS do not remove children on grounds of a historic mental health problem (particularly one based on severe grief and distress over the loss of your father.)

They also tend to want to keep children's routine as is - which is currently you as main carer and him around a bit when he's not working. Unfortunately as Jeaux said, it's a script, many men try that line to scare ex partners into doing as they're told. The answer is 'good luck with that'.