He is blaming mumsnet for our split

[Emmerdalefan]

Very long story but the jist is this.
Married since 2007 but together for 19 years (I was 15 he was 24) . We both have never had another partner or slept with anyone else so a very special bond we both felt we had. Anyways he is a farmer and we have 4 dcs . His mother and brother are a nightmare and I am now nc. I don't even know why they hate me but basically since we got married they turned on me. Constant criticism of anything I do and loads and loads of verbal abuse and horrible nasty comments said about me to my children . They use dh inheritance as black mail and threaten him constantly if he walks away from farm he will get nothing. He is only a shareholder partner or summit . Iv no idea what that is. I have no involvement in financial side as it's all kept hush hush. I have supported him dutifully for years with kids and he works 7 days a week every day of year. I am sat at home with kids whilst he trots off to the main Farm (where mil and brother live ) where most of the work is done. Anyways I'm rambling. We live in a big house 1 mile away owned by dh parents . I hate it as I just want us to have our own family home. I don't want him to leave farm just want our own home that feels like it's ours and not theirs. He refuses to stand up to his mil and so iv left . I am in rented accommodation with kids. He has ea me for years and chipped away at my self esteem . I started reading MN threads and realised what iv put up with for years is very bad ea. I have tons of things I could tell you. I have another thread on here called " vile narcassist mil ruining our marriage" which explains everything. I did leave him but came back as he promised to change blah blah blah anyways he hasn't so I'm off again and this time I'm done . No more chances and I do not love him anymore. He has chose his family over me and refuses to move to a house of our own. Anyways he says it's mumsnet that has filled my head full of crap and it's mumsnet fault why I am leaving as it's put silly ideas in my head. He says there is no such thing as ea and it's just a bunch of evil woman hating on men ??? I know this is jumbled but I'm crying my eyes out and am so broken I can't think straight. I feel like his family have won and it kills me knowing they will be jumping for joy that they have their precious son all back to themselves . Farmers are so greedy and protective of assets that they don't like anyone marrying into it . I honestly have never cared about his money and don't want a penny from him. I just wanted one big happy family all together on the farm. They won't allow this and his parents made it clear that nobody is allowed to be part of the family unless blood. I even offered to sign a pre nup ?? Anyways it doesn't matter now as I have left him (nearly- waiting of new house being ready ) . It kills me knowing they have won amd got what they wanted all along. He is a spineless bastard for not telling them to fuck off . Arghhhh so sorry for rambling. Anyways apparently it's all mumsnet fault for filling my head full of rubbish ??

This is nothing to do with him being a farmer but possibly is down to him being part of an enmeshed family.

Why does he have to keep her sweet. Its his life he can do anything he wants.

Or is it he chooses to keep her sweet so at some point providing he doesn't die in the meantime he might when he is very old get to keep on working as he is doing and might just get his name on a bit of paper

I guess sonoliversmummy . That's his silly choice tho. I am sceptical if he will inherit anything. She is that evil she woukd probably leave it to dogs trust. Oh that reminds me

Dd4 was 3 weeks old and she finally came to.our house to see her . I was bf on sofa and she peered over my shoulder and said " oh gosh I don't do babies , I much prefer my dogs" she laughed really loud as though it was such a funny joke. Noone else laughed. She then flounced off ...... Honest I swear I am not making any of this up

The farming background is relevant. It helps explain how this particular blood family operate. This is not the same as saying all farmers are greedy.

MIL's power seems to be working, but it is your DH who has to 'break the chains'. He has to grow a set of balls and stand up for himself and his family. Courts are frequently littered with farming family disputes and they look on favourably on those who have given up another life to work for 50p an hour on the farm. An internet search will prove this and for you both to have committed so young to this lifestyle will speak volumes to any arbitrator.

If they have added to the farm over the years then a split on death might be viable. If two families can be supported on all the land then a split might be OK, or DH can work in partnership with his sibling.

Your biggest problem is DH not standing up to his MIL. He should do and you should work together to keeping his inheritance. Yes, he does have an inheritance and this is why the farming background is relevant.

If he loves his 'own' family his mind should be thinking 'we will stay together, we will fight for what is ours, we will work with my sibling if we need to, but if we cannot we will go it alone, but I will not allow our hard work to go unrewarded and I will never allow my family to be split up'.

Believe me he will find it easier to split the land in court than you believe.

Then I think it is Tim to show him the consequences of his choices.

I would be putting as many miles between him and you. It is not as though he is going to see the children so it doesn't matter where you move. I would make sure none of your children step foot on that farm again. I would be worried for their welfare.

I am with you in not wanting any money from him. I would be very afraid of one or all the children being dragged back into the whole cycle of promises of farms and inheritances.

I don't know what getting a solicitor involved to make sure he gets a piece of the farm if hos dad dies first is going to be of any help. His mother can do what she wishes with her farm and money. She might even marry again.

Farmers are a bit funny about inheritance and breaking up the farm. Your MIL sounds like a right bully. You've been waiting for your DH to stand up to her. I think you still love him though.
There are some details where you do sound a bit precious and 'my little family'. Eating at the farmhouse with the workers was a big part of our life growing up.

He is a good dad. The kids adore him. When he is home he plays non stop with them. He never goes out with friends or to pub and rarely drinks alcohol. He literally works all the time. The older kids go to farm with him on weekends and after school as they have ponies and animals to look after . I would not stop him seeing kids. I have staTed that if his mam and brother continue to speak negatively about me to dcs they will be stopped from going to farm. Dh agrees and assures me he has told them this . Time will tell.

When is he ever with his children though if he's working for a pittance on his parents farm?.

The kids "adoring" their dad is no reason at all to continue to stay in a poor relationship. Your children probably do not as much adore him as frankly fear him. They have seen and heard more than you perhaps care to realise; they pick up on all the vibes.

A poster called SolidGoldBrass once wrote this:-
"And it is an important point for women with abusive partners to remember: that while children may 'love' an abusive parent, they may also be terrified of him and sad because he shows no love to them".

They see him on a night and on a Sunday afternoon for a few hours . He has today ( first time in years) took the 4 dcs bowling . He is a good dad and although he has treat me bad . He has not been anything but loving and fun to dcs. X

Good luck OP, but please be careful of getting I vol ex with anyone new too quickly. You need time to process what's happened, and to get a sense of yourself as an independent woman (you've been with this man all your adult life, so it may be tempting to try to replace him...).
Also, your DH and his family will see anything like that as the cause of the break up, and may tell the kids you left their dad for someone else (I know they'd be wrong, but all the same, don't give them any fuel).

Also loving the way some posters found only offense in your post that started the thread, because you generalised a little about farmers :-D. Never mind all you've been thru, a farmer could read the thread and be hurt that a stranger made a general comment..

That was meant to be 'getting involved' sorry for the typos

Never mind all you've been thru, a farmer could read the thread and be hurt that a stranger made a general comment..hmm

^^ Yes, exactly.

Was his father a good husband?
Sounds like your mil is very bitter.
Your Dh is stuck but you don't have to be.

I know of a similar couple and she left.They got back together after 18mts. Once he picked his wife his mother backed off. Clever conniving woman knew the game was up and changed her ways rather than be abandoned.

Emmerdalefan

He will accuse anyone other than his mother as he won't want to see the actual type of person that she is and he will also have to face all of the years of crap that he has been through.

It is very much a protection mechanism. I do feel quite sorry for him.

As has been posted, you have to do what you believe is right for you and the children.

This might (although I doubt it) be what brings him round.

I don't understand the 'blood only' family bit. Do farming families not need their kids to marry and have kids, to work on and inherit the farm? Also what happens to farming daughters? I'm not nit picking, I'm genuinely curious.

Morris it is very much up to each family how a farm is inherited though generally unless a farm is big enough to support more than one family it has to be left to only one. Where two or more children work on the farm the difficulty is deciding who to leave it to. A sensible family would see this problem early on and it would be established who should inherit and who should work elsewhere (farming or not). If all the children work on the farm and it is not big enough, regrettably promises are made that cannot be honoured. This is where infighting happens and sometimes courts get involved. A 'model family' (ghastly phrase) of a boy child and a girl child where the boy inherits the farm and keeps the name tied to the land and daughter goes off and marries the neighbour's son is rare though it happens. Farmers are just like anybody else, with some exception and it is normal for children to do a host of other things, work in the city, assemble engines in a factory etc. A big family with thousands of acres of freehold land and no rent have the ability to maintain different members in different houses and create a larger family business. Smaller farms do not have that luxury and a toxic parent does not mix well. crje has made an excellent point.

The DH has more power than he thinks, he just needs to grow some balls and, dare I say it, go to a solicitor with a rural background with OP and work together to safeguard their own nuclear family. That seems the obvious thing. MIL will not be around one day.

what happens to farming daughters? When the parents die the son or whoever owns the business normally has to give the other siblings their share in the form of money not land. So my DB was worried about giving me my share. Sadly he died young with no DC and I inherited the lot.

You know he won't get the farm, don't you? I'd almost put money on it.

How was things when you left before OP what changed? Why did you go back?

You say he has a sideline business. Well if he was serious about being on your side he could build that up.
I have done AS. You say you're a dairy farmer's wife. You complain about him working hard and not changing nappies. Milking cows is the most full on hard work. Getting up at 4 am. My DB and DF always had a sleep at lunchtime they were so knackered.

I'll direct my friend to this thread. Some of the parallels are uncanny and I know she has really REALLY struggled (ongoing). From what you've said here though, you have absolutely done the right thing in leaving. You're in a good position in that you've got some money behind you and a plan - you sound strong. Go for it now, for you and the children.

There is probably enough in your opening post OP and other factors relevant to your DH lifestyle that indicates he might want to be aware of the following. If this helps him grow a pair, and keep you together, it might just lead to the effect that crje has highlighted.

www.stjohnschambers.co.uk/dashboard/wp-content/uploads/2014/10/Farms-and-estoppel-claims-----the-new-growth-area1.pdf

www.roydswithyking.com/farms-and-proprietary-estoppel-claims/

www.wilsonslaw.com/uploads/docs/JAA_Proprietary_estoppel.pdf

www.inheritancedisputes.co.uk/news-articles/daughter-claims-beneficial-interest-parents-farm.html

"Also what happens to farming daughters?"

While there are women farmers, I think it's quite rare and not expected for a daughter to inherit a farm unless her husband is also a farmer and any sons are not interested.

Here's another link to the Eirian Davies story SleepingTigers' last link mentioned

www.bbc.co.uk/news/uk-wales-south-west-wales-36332064