He is blaming mumsnet for our split

[Emmerdalefan]

Very long story but the jist is this.
Married since 2007 but together for 19 years (I was 15 he was 24) . We both have never had another partner or slept with anyone else so a very special bond we both felt we had. Anyways he is a farmer and we have 4 dcs . His mother and brother are a nightmare and I am now nc. I don't even know why they hate me but basically since we got married they turned on me. Constant criticism of anything I do and loads and loads of verbal abuse and horrible nasty comments said about me to my children . They use dh inheritance as black mail and threaten him constantly if he walks away from farm he will get nothing. He is only a shareholder partner or summit . Iv no idea what that is. I have no involvement in financial side as it's all kept hush hush. I have supported him dutifully for years with kids and he works 7 days a week every day of year. I am sat at home with kids whilst he trots off to the main Farm (where mil and brother live ) where most of the work is done. Anyways I'm rambling. We live in a big house 1 mile away owned by dh parents . I hate it as I just want us to have our own family home. I don't want him to leave farm just want our own home that feels like it's ours and not theirs. He refuses to stand up to his mil and so iv left . I am in rented accommodation with kids. He has ea me for years and chipped away at my self esteem . I started reading MN threads and realised what iv put up with for years is very bad ea. I have tons of things I could tell you. I have another thread on here called " vile narcassist mil ruining our marriage" which explains everything. I did leave him but came back as he promised to change blah blah blah anyways he hasn't so I'm off again and this time I'm done . No more chances and I do not love him anymore. He has chose his family over me and refuses to move to a house of our own. Anyways he says it's mumsnet that has filled my head full of crap and it's mumsnet fault why I am leaving as it's put silly ideas in my head. He says there is no such thing as ea and it's just a bunch of evil woman hating on men ??? I know this is jumbled but I'm crying my eyes out and am so broken I can't think straight. I feel like his family have won and it kills me knowing they will be jumping for joy that they have their precious son all back to themselves . Farmers are so greedy and protective of assets that they don't like anyone marrying into it . I honestly have never cared about his money and don't want a penny from him. I just wanted one big happy family all together on the farm. They won't allow this and his parents made it clear that nobody is allowed to be part of the family unless blood. I even offered to sign a pre nup ?? Anyways it doesn't matter now as I have left him (nearly- waiting of new house being ready ) . It kills me knowing they have won amd got what they wanted all along. He is a spineless bastard for not telling them to fuck off . Arghhhh so sorry for rambling. Anyways apparently it's all mumsnet fault for filling my head full of rubbish ??

While there are women farmers, I think it's quite rare and not expected for a daughter to inherit a farm unless her husband is also a farmer and any sons are not interested. I think it's less rare. I am a farmer and know many women in farming.

OP, I remember your previous threads and am glad you've left. Your dh has been vile to you in the last. Bugger all to do with MN. He was making you very unhappy. It can't even all be blamed on the MIL, the stuff he said to you when your dad was dying was him. And I would find that unforgivable.

I used to date a farmer who was very like your dh sounds. We split because I could see the writing in the wall. He still (late 30s) lived at the family farm and his mother ran his life. She also totally disapproved of me, as she did all his girlfriends actually. So I know where you're coming from with the dynamics of the situation.

Dexra we are a dairy farm but his brother and father do the milking. My dh feeds up and does the field work. We also have a compost business and staff who work for us. Dh only ever milks when absolutely necessary. Also we start milking 7am and are done by 930am with a 230 herd. We have a very good parlour installed x

I also never complained about him not changing nappies. If you read the start of the thread you will see he was mocked by his dm for dping a nappy derxa I am also very very happy to be a farmers wife and understand the long hours etc. He always has a hot meal waiting (often in bottom aga oven keeping warm) for when he returns. All I wanted was respect and support. Are farmers immune to this because they work long hours ? I work 24/7 looking after his kids ! I work bloody hard and don't mind. I just want a husband that is on my side !!!!

Please get legal advice, it's not for you but your children. Even if you can totally find them now yourself, what happens if you become ill? Or they go to Uni? Or anything changes?

Both parents have a moral duty to support their children including financially.

Emmerdale I do want to support you. You have 4 DC and have to work very hard. You've explained the situation more clearly and I understand. I think your DH is in a difficult position though. Perhaps I just wish you could just live happily ever after. Is your BIL married with children? The fact that you and DH have children is a threat to him.
Honestly I hope it all works out. Sensible farming families work out the inheritance well in advance.

I would still go to a lawyer and find out where you stand. If he is a shareholder you would be entitled to a share of his share if you see what I mean. I had a friend in the same situation where she thought parents owned everything but when it came down to it he had a share worth £1.2million and had to pay her £600,000 capital sum (they had one child) which they raised by way of a mortgage against the farm.

Do not sell yourself or your children short. Your life as their mum has worth even in the court's eyes! Good luck with your new life!

Gosh, just wanted to say that my sil is going through a similar situation with dh's parents - but in outback Australia. Inheritable is hung over bil head all the time. He has bipolar and is very unsettled with all of this. Both mil and fil are the arses here. I can't stand them, they have always hated me, but are not keen on their dil anyway, but I've always been the 'outsider'.

Dh and one of the brothers (who lives in the states and it the golden child) will receive no inheritance. Sil, dh's sister, who doesn't work and is funded by her parents (she is about 47). They won't say who is going to inherit the farm. Ridiculous situation! Bil also is paid a pittance, but is an trained argonomist with lots of knowledge, but wanted to stay on the family farm. He is paid in other ways, a work car etc etc, but they don't have much cash at all. I really feel for you op, staying in that family setup is far too toxic.

hello from the other thread, you poor poor thing sounds a total nightmare. for info my sister divorced her farmer husband he hid all assets and pretended he was a farm labourer and so didn't have to pay out. He refused to spend to get a cleaner when she had breast cancer straight after giving birth to his son, awful.

Is his dad alive? she sounds awful your mil, part of the reason we live where we do was to put 6.5 hours drive between us to save our marriage. Your DH will be a sad lonely old man when one day he realised what he has lost. xxxtake carexx

I would love to take the credit for you leaving that horrible man to his horrible family, but that would be doing you a huge disservice. You have taken control of your life and taken the first steps to make life happy for you and your children.

Well done. Keep going. They haven't won. The best revenge is living well - go off and have a bloody marvellous time.

I think you still love your husband. I think you still want to be a farmers wife but I think you are giving too much so your dh doesn't need to make a decision.

From what you say he is still seeing you and them virtually daily. If you are really serious about getting him to realise what he is going to lose you need to start putting some boundaries in place of when and where he has his children. Certainly not every evening.
Your dh needs to start looking after his children not having them running around on the farm whilst he is working. He needs to be giving them his full attention when he has them.

I wonder how he would know if his dm is bad mouthing you when he is working and not with them. I doubt the children are with him every minute of the day

Farmers tend to have the ability to hide assets or value them low so a divorce doesn't take the family assets. (Due to them being in the family for generations).

However, you've done the right thing, move on, just don't expect any help from him. Keep your kids away ffrom on the farm, you don't want them being brought up in that environment.

Yes his dad is alive. He is 70 now but is also ruled by mil. It's all such a big fckd up mess and even tho we love eachother we ate not allowed to be happy. I need to do this for my sanity. I can't live this life no more. He even said to me 20 mins ago "19 years your throwing down the pan , I only want you but you don't give a shit about me " ??? My head is mashed x

haha the children tell me what she has said

Apologies haha I got confused

oliversmummy my dc tell me what she says

19 years your throwing down the pan , I only want you but you don't give a shit about me

Hmm, 19 not particularly happy years, thanks to ILs, so more than enough imv. How can he stand by whilst you are treated the way you are, he 'only wants you' but won't stand up for you or your marriage.

He even said to me 20 mins ago "19 years your throwing down the pan , I only want you but you don't give a shit about me " ??? My head is mashed x
You poor buggers!

I'm now in bedroom with my 2 dd who co sleep. He is on settee. He has stayed on settee this past week. All he says is mumsnet has filled your head full of shit. ?

Exactly mistress the inheritance obviously is more important

No don't think so xx

"If you are really serious about getting him to realise what he is going to lose you need to start putting some boundaries in place of when and where he has his children. Certainly not every evening."

You mean using the children as pawns???

I think you should pursue the maintenance! You'll need it!

That's the issue, she won't get maintenance, he's officially on minimum wage. It's a standard trick for farmers, the CSA can't do anything about it.

Do you have records of his on the side business? They could be useful. You don't have to use them but it proves an income. Although if it's cash in hand and undeclared beware as that's something that could bite him very hard in the backside when he gets a massive tax demand.

I think you definitely need to get out and be free.

The only other thing is that I would personally also advise not jumping straight into another relationship tbh. You've been with your stbex since you were 15. That's basically your whole dating life. Go and enjoy your dcs, enjoy your freedom and discover yourself. THEN you are more likely to enter a new relationship more clued up. If this guy you mentioned likes you there's no reason why you can't just be friends supporting each other right now.

Enjoy yourself but just guard your heart and give your dcs and you time to adjust. I'm not saying stay celebrate forever I'm just advising caution. It's sadly very common for people to jump from an abusive relationship and end up in another one because they are very vulnerable and everything seems great because it's not as bad as it was. Take things slowly and you will likely be much better off.

Gwen no I don't mean using the children as pawns but meaning what she says about splitting. ATM nothing has changed the op might have moved out of the family home but as she says he is still living with her all be it on the sofa.

Untill he has lost something he wont do anything about it.

If you are divorcing someone and have moved on you don't have your stbx moving in with you it is sending out messages that you don't mean what you say. Unless the op toughens up then nothing will change. Or have i missed something.

As for wasting 19 years. How many years has he wasted working for a pittance.

As for being a great dad, where do his wife and children come in the pecking order. I think a very poor 3rd after his mother and the farm