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Relationships

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Original poster

I have just boiled over about dp smoking

104 replies

everythingis · 13/01/2017 08:07

If this doesn't work I will be asking him to choose between us and smoking.

I can't go on and relationship is breaking down.

18 months ago he stopped so he could move in with me. I told him a serious relationship with a smoker wasn't an option for me. Then something v upsetting happened which is likely to be resolved in about 3 months. There has already been lots of progress with that. He's back to smoking at work every day and coming home stinking.

I told him late last night how much of a betrayal it is and that it feels like he doesn't doesn't give a fuck anymore. It's not a debilitating addiction he copes fine for days when he can't get away from me to smoke - on holiday etc. I have also told him he's not to collect the dc straight from work anymore as he stinks of smoke now. I never wanted in their lives.

The smoking has pushed me away so far now I don't think I can go on. I thought the decent thing was to try and hang on until the thing concludes but 3 months is a long time with me just tacitly agreeing to the smoking. I didn't plan to blow last night I just couldn't hold it in.

OP posts:

FruitCider · 13/01/2017 08:11

I think your reaction is a bit over the top.

It takes the average person 7 quit attempts to stop smoking, how many times has he tried?

Is he willing to switch to vaping instead?

Unfortunately smoking is an addiction like any other, people have to want to do it for themselves, trying to do it for someone else is no good!

FruitCider · 13/01/2017 08:11

If you ask him to choose and he isn't ready to quit, I can guarantee you will lose....

OhDeareyMe · 13/01/2017 08:12

I would feel the same to be honest. Smoking would always be a deal breaker for me and as you've made this clear from the start I really don't blame you for blowing up now. Some may see it as an overreaction but it's something I too feel very strongly about. I made it quite clear to DH when we met that I would not be in a relationship with a smoker and he decided to stop (he was only a casual smoker though to be fair).

WellErrr · 13/01/2017 08:14

I couldn't be with a smoker. No way.

You've made your feelings clear from the start. I would give him the ultimatum. And be prepared to become single.

user1483945709 · 13/01/2017 08:14

Is it really that bad, in the grander scheme of things? As long as he doesn't smoke around you?

You had a relationship with him, while he smoked, before he moved in.

Witchofthenorth · 13/01/2017 08:15

What was his reaction OP?

I can understand your upset, and if he can go periods of time without smoking I can further understand why you are frustrated but giving him an ultimatum wont work. He needs to want to quit. Regardless, it is still an addiction. Has he tried any smoking cessation products?

Forcing his hand will only make him want to smoke in secret and that will further compound your feeling of betrayal.

PollytheDolly · 13/01/2017 08:15

Has he tried vaping?

TheNaze73 · 13/01/2017 08:16

Stick to your guns OP.

I wouldn't want to live with a drug addict

AgentCooper · 13/01/2017 08:17

I agree with Fruit re: vaping. Why not see if he's willing to go to a shop with you (if you go on the Stop Smoking board someone might be able to point you to a reputable one in your area)? Vaping is the only thing that got me off the fags, partly because in the beginning I knew I could 'dual-fuel' - just replace some fags for vaping, but soon I was on to vaping full time instead as most people are.

I sympathise with you as smoking is shit, awful, dangerous and a total curse that I wish I'd never gone near. But I also sympathise with your DP as I know how hard it is to even think about stopping. I have an anxiety disorder and felt like I genuinely couldn't live without smoking. Now I know it's not always easy but I can. My DH used to get furious about my smoking (I his it from him as much as possible) and it upset me so much that I wanted to smoke more.

QuiteLikely5 · 13/01/2017 08:19

I disagree with your reaction. Ending a relationship where children are involved due to smoking is disproportionate.

When he leaves and still smokes are you going to withhold contact too?

The judge will not be impressed!!!

FrankAndBeans · 13/01/2017 08:21

Smoking would be a deal breaker for me, as would vaping. If he's going days without cigarettes he obviously can quit. How many women go cold turkey as soon as they find out they are pregnant? He is capable. There's a lot of coddling around it, but it is mind over matter. If he really wants to quit, he will but I'm afraid if he isn't ready, he won't but I would rather not be with a smoker than hanging around waiting for someone to decide to stop.

FrankAndBeans · 13/01/2017 08:22

I disagree with your reaction. Ending a relationship where children are involved due to smoking is disproportionate.

You're basically saying here - "even if you're unhappy you should stay because you have children."

Original poster

everythingis · 13/01/2017 08:23

They arnt his dc. I watched mil die from copd. Ex mil - not dp mother though she also died from cancer.
When he quit 18 months ago he tried all the cessation products but found that harder and went cold turkey. He put on weight but I didn't care I was so happy he stopped.

We are far in to the cycle of lying and borderline gas lighting me about the smoking. He isn't even trying to stop just now.

The way he behaving single seems manageable at the moment.

OP posts:

user1483945709 · 13/01/2017 08:24

If you feel that strongly about smoking, I don't get a) how you had a relationship with him in the first place? and b) why it wasn't a problem before he moved in? I'm assuming it was months or years before he did. How did you cope then? And c) you had kids with a smoker?

FrankAndBeans · 13/01/2017 08:25

I would cut your losses and run now before you've spent any longer together. You told him upfront it was a deal breaker for you in a serious relationship (living together) and he's completely disrespected that the moment he picked up a cigarette again. Did he ever quit or has he just got lazier at hiding it?

Hermonie2016 · 13/01/2017 08:25

I understand your revulsion to smoking but if this is a serious relationship with children I suggest you could be more compassionate and offer kindness.

You detest smoking and he tried to give up but obviously stress has forced him back.What else could you do to support him during these months? Can you say what the event was so we can suggest ways to support.

I have found smoking is a crutch to some people, especially anxious people as the act of smoking helps to regulate breathing.
It's then become ingrained in subconscious

Are you generally happy with the relationship because I wonder if you are looking for a way out?
If he wants to give up smoking work as a team, there are lots of resources to help.

If you separate and he has the children part time he will still smell of smoke and no judge will ban dad's because their clothes smell.He is more likely to smoke due to a separation so not sure you will meet your aim.

CrimsonKing · 13/01/2017 08:26

Disgusting habit. Never have nor could I ever be with a smoker. Selfish habit and the smell...oh god the smell/stench is disgusting.

I don't blame you at all.

diddl · 13/01/2017 08:27

I think it's tricky as you knew that he was a smoker when you started seeing him.

Why even see him if smoking disgusts you that much?

Cantusethatname · 13/01/2017 08:44

You have to like the smell of your partner.
If the smell of yours repulses you there's no point.

AhYerWill · 13/01/2017 08:46

I wouldn't live with someone who knew my dealbreakers and deliberately broke them, whilst lying about it. It doesn't really matter whether it's a generally accepted dealbreaker, like cheating or something most people wouldn't be fussed about like not turning up when you say you will (an absolute no-no for me). At the end of the day he either doesn't respect you (he could stop smoking but doesn't want to), or your lifestyles just aren't compatible (he's addicted and will always be a smoker, even if it's a bit on and off).

PinkBunnyOnesieOnOrder · 13/01/2017 08:48

Comprehension levels around here are at worrying levels. They are NOT his children.

I think you need to end this. Apart from the actual smoking, he is lying, gas lighting & doesn't give a shit about how you feel about something that affects your children. He's going to get worse over time, not better, cut your losses.

He's a smoker and not one that chose off his own back to quit. Until the day HE decides (and maybe not even then) he's still going to be a smoker, just one waiting for their next cigarette.

I wouldn't be with a smoker either. I find the smell disgusting and wouldn't tolerate it again, and would not be prepared for the arguments again either.

Foureyesarebetterthantwo · 13/01/2017 08:52

You could look at this another way...if giving up smoking was so easy, surely he would have done it now to save the relationship? The fact that he's gone back to it and is lying/hiding it shows that it isn't a 'simple matter of willpower' at all.

To the person that said pregnant women just all give up, no they don't, up to a third or more carry on, and one of the biggest problems now is that those that don't end up hiding it and not seeking help from stop smoking services any more as their behaviour is so condemned. In that case, being judgmental helps some people, forcing them to quit, the others just go underground/hide it from midwives/stop smoking services to avoid the disgust already expressed on this thread.

I'm not saying put up with it, I wouldn't want to live with a smoker either, but he's not smoking at home and I'd be encouraging him to go again for another quit attempt or vaping.

You could turn it around and say if you hate smoking (and even potential solutions like vaping) more than you love him, your love doesn't run that deep either.

SheldonCRules · 13/01/2017 08:55

It would be a deal breaker for me too, I'd never date a smoker.

However he was already a smoker when you met him and you carried on anyway simply expecting him to quit. Why start it in the first place if a smoker wasn't what you wanted?

HermioneJeanGranger · 13/01/2017 08:55

If you find smoking so abhorrent, why did you date him in the first place?

Joysmum · 13/01/2017 09:03

Typical response from someone at the end of their together but doesn't understand addiction.

Ultimatums rarely work and often make things worse.

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