I have just boiled over about dp smoking

[everythingis]

If this doesn't work I will be asking him to choose between us and smoking.

I can't go on and relationship is breaking down.

18 months ago he stopped so he could move in with me. I told him a serious relationship with a smoker wasn't an option for me. Then something v upsetting happened which is likely to be resolved in about 3 months. There has already been lots of progress with that. He's back to smoking at work every day and coming home stinking.

I told him late last night how much of a betrayal it is and that it feels like he doesn't doesn't give a fuck anymore. It's not a debilitating addiction he copes fine for days when he can't get away from me to smoke - on holiday etc. I have also told him he's not to collect the dc straight from work anymore as he stinks of smoke now. I never wanted in their lives.

The smoking has pushed me away so far now I don't think I can go on. I thought the decent thing was to try and hang on until the thing concludes but 3 months is a long time with me just tacitly agreeing to the smoking. I didn't plan to blow last night I just couldn't hold it in.

I'd let him go OP, you clearly are never going to get past the smoking.

If he's that scared of you he has to lie and hide stuff like smoking then just end it man.

For those saying you are over-reacting... smoking is a bit more serious than simply having smelly clothes or even how much it costs. I was married to a heavy smoker for 16 years +. Personally I didn't mind it, but I didn't like it around the dc and he promised to quit many, many times. But he never did. He is still a heavy smoker - 25 - 40 a day all the time I've known him (20 yrs +). Apart from the cost (and at times it was a real financial strain) our youngest son suffered from croup, chest infections and asthma throughout his early childhood. At times he was very ill and several doctors told my exh he should quit for our son's sake - he still didn't do it. Apparently our son's health wasn't enough reason. I realise it can be hard to quit - but at what point do you say 'enough is enough'? My MIL and SIL both used to have a go at me for not getting him to quit (ironically because of the impact on his health, not the impact on the children ), but I never worked out how I was supposed to do that - reason with him or nag him? (neither worked). I used to joke that I'd have to divorce him to change things - nope, we're divorced and he still smokes (it was a factor in the divorce but not the most important one by a long way). Living with a smoker can be extremely difficult and we shouldn't minimise the impact it has on children's health. I agree that smoking is an addiction, and like any other addiction, it can make people selfish and blind to the impact of their behaviour on others. We split up 3 years ago and my son's health problems miraculously disappeared within about 6 months of exh moving out. My exh is convinced he just grew out of it and smoking was never a factor.

One of the many bugbears I had with my ex was smoking. I mean, I was OK with it until he promised to give it up, and then I kinda expected him to - and after getting lied to etc it wore very thin.

And either I was unsupportive because I didn't ask him how he was doing, or me asking about it made him think about it so he went back on them - it was always my fault somehow, or there was some event or some stress that he had to get over. It just got very boring, being treated like the enemy or someone to fool all the time. And it would creep up, like he'd say he'd never smoke in the house or in the car, but then he'd drive with the kids and they'd come back smelling of smoke. Or I'd come downstairs and he'd have been smoking with his head up the fucking chimney. Just fucking stick to the not unreasonable ask to smoke outside, jeezuz.

Anyways, if it's a dealbreaker for you, OP, it's a dealbreaker. This is your life to live and you get to decide where you draw your line.

I think it's always a make a mistake thinking you can change someone.

It would still be helpful to know why on earth you carried on dating a smoker if it was a dealbreaker.

I hate smoking, have never smoked. I won't date a smoker. If I met someone in real life and they smoked, it'd be "sorry, no". If I'm online dating and they tick the box that says they are a smoker, then again, it's "sorry, no".

Shatnerswig you have a point, but a bit late now and not all that helpful. OP is where she is. She can't rewrite the past (how many of us would like to do that if we could).

No I couldn't be in a relationship with a smoker because

A) The stench
B) The waste of funds

I do agree with PP though, I don't understand how you ended up with him in the first place. Most of us who can't tolerate smoking would gag at the thought of kissing a smoker. It does sound like you are shifting the goalposts a bit......

The OP said her DH does not smoke in the house or anywhere near his children or her so I really don't see it the same as someone who is merrily smoking the house out.

We are all entitled to what we like in the confines of the law, it's not illegal, just like drinking bottles of wine or knocking back pills - but, I do agree if a smoker says they are stopping they should not bloody lie and sneak about like a naughty schoolkid but the OPs DH needs to be honest and tell her he does not want to stop then she can make her decision based on all the fact.

I understand that people don't want to date a smoker, I possibly wouldn't either but the DH was a smoker when she met him; it sounds like he is terrified to admit he is back smoking, doesn't make him the devil in disguise, just someone who is battling an addiction, like any other.

It would still be helpful to know why on earth you carried on dating a smoker if it was a dealbreaker.

Actually, it's more why start dating a smoker in the first place.

I had an Ex who smoked weed when I met him. I didn't know he smoked it, but when I found out, I said I didn't want to date a guy who smoked weed. He stopped. If he didn't, I'd have ended it. Simple. No need for any drama.

ScottishJo because advice could be totally different if, for example, he had given up smoking before he met her but relapsed, or was a very occasional smoker and now smokes more, all sorts of things. It is, as others say, very hard to put an ultimatum onto someone for doing something that you had no problem with for months or even years. If, however, the OP made is abundantly clear right at the start it was an issue, and he said he would quit and did but relapsed, or said he would quit but lied outright about it, again, advice could be very different. The lying might be more of an issue, for example.

IMO you are all kinds of wrong. Why go out with a smoker if you hate smoking to the point where you'd kick your DP out of your home together? Why carry on? My DP smokes. I'd rather he didn't but it doesn't exactly bother me. If it made me over react in the same way as it does you, then we'd never have gotten to our second date.
It clearly isn't as easy for him as 'just quit' so get that idea out of your head. While I don't agree with lying, he's obviously terrified you're going to react badly, and you do. I feel for him, although I don't think he should have lied.
Obviously it's up to you whether you kick him out or not. He's struggling with his addiction obviously but whether you think you can work through it with him is up to you.

It's a deal breaker for both DP and I. I couldn't be with a smoker. For some people it really is unbearable.

Shatnerswig, in her initial post, the OP said she told the bloke she wouldn't have a serious relationship with a smoker. So he gave up. Now he's started again.

So he knew she wasn't interested in anything serious with a smoker. They only got what OP considers as serious after he stopped.

Category Actually, although the OP does say that, she points out that he stopped smoking to move in with her. The OP hasn't said how long prior to this they had been dating. I find it odd that someone who is clearly very anti-smoking would have even casually dated a smoker and I would tend to think a relationship should be serious for some time before you get to the moving in stage (ie, you move in BECAUSE you've already BEEN serious for a fair while). The OP also says that she never wanted smoke in her DCs lives. So she shouldn't have dated him at all if there was ever the remotest possibility of it turning serious.

Yes, he must have been smoking when they were dating, he only supposedly stopped when he moved in with her, at her request.

If he moved in on the condition that he had stopped smoking, which seems the case, then he's the one moving the goalposts. It might have been unrealistic on both their parts to think he would never relapse, but it's not been unclear what the boundaries were supposed to be.

Hi OP I agree with a very early PP (FruitCider) who said the smoking will win if you make him choose. Giving up HAS to come from the smoker's idea to stop or it will never work.

Having said that I could not be with someone who smoked either. I'd have to tell him to leave.

Catagiry12 - yes that is the case re relationship getting serious etc

I would like to add this wasn't an Aibu post. I just needed to unload. After I unloaded on dp last night I didn't wait for a response I just went to sleep. I didn't ask for one this am either - it's not a discussion. I phoned him lunchtime about something else and he sounded very relieved to hear from me and quite cheerful. He went done slushy texts later on. I text at 4.30 to say I was leaving work. He must have legged it and speeded to get home and in the shower before I got back with the kids but he managed it somehow. One statement I made last night was that he wasn't to collect the kids any more stinking of smoke or cuddle them in his work clothes. He made an effort today for that not to happen. I accept that this may be the best I can hope for.

It might have been unrealistic on both their parts to think he would never relapse

Wise words.

You're entitled to hate smoking: your life, your choice.
He is entitled to keep on smoking: his life, his choice.

You are not entitled to dictate how he conducts his life. That is controlling.

I'm sensing there is a power imbalance and it doesn't feel healthy.

Just check yourself to ensure as it's not good for you if you are the 'senior' partner making the decisions.Is it your house?

It's our house

I understand how you feel, I could have wrote this exact post about dh.
Have you asked why he feels like he needs to smoke now?
Chances are he never really quit, he was just better at hiding it, and probably only had the odd fag, rather than a 20 a day sort.
Now with the additional stress his cravings are stronger and he feels like he needs to smoke more to deal with it.
If all other aspects of your relationship are good, then try your being supportive and help him quit rather than dishing out ultimatums.
It's very difficult to just stop.

I'm sorry but referring to a smoker as a drug addict is just misleading and downright ignorant.

^^looks at cup of tea in hand, am I one too?

YABU op. You dated a smoker and decided that you were going to change them into what you wanted them to be. That is controlling behaviour. If you can't stand smoking (fine) then don't get involved with one in the first place!