I have just boiled over about dp smoking

[everythingis]

If this doesn't work I will be asking him to choose between us and smoking.

I can't go on and relationship is breaking down.

18 months ago he stopped so he could move in with me. I told him a serious relationship with a smoker wasn't an option for me. Then something v upsetting happened which is likely to be resolved in about 3 months. There has already been lots of progress with that. He's back to smoking at work every day and coming home stinking.

I told him late last night how much of a betrayal it is and that it feels like he doesn't doesn't give a fuck anymore. It's not a debilitating addiction he copes fine for days when he can't get away from me to smoke - on holiday etc. I have also told him he's not to collect the dc straight from work anymore as he stinks of smoke now. I never wanted in their lives.

The smoking has pushed me away so far now I don't think I can go on. I thought the decent thing was to try and hang on until the thing concludes but 3 months is a long time with me just tacitly agreeing to the smoking. I didn't plan to blow last night I just couldn't hold it in.

The vast vast majority of quit attempts end in failure. Figures vary but the failure rate is consistently over 90% at 1 year. All smokers can do is try again and again until it sticks - different methods and support, getting themselves in the right frame of mind again, learning from past failure etc.

I had a huge string of failed attempts behind me before I finally quit in 2013 thanks to vaping. On several occasions I lied/kept quiet about relapsing. I'm not proud, but my rationale was - the fewer people who knew I was smoking again, the less opportunities I would have to smoke. It would therefore be less likely to creep up again to my normal 20 a day. Each time I was hoping it was just a blip and I could quit again before people found out.

If he's willing to give it another go he could try vaping, allen carr or stop smoking services, if he hasn't already. All have relatively good success rates (compared with cold turkey or NRT without support).

Ultimately though, if this is a dealbreaker for you then you're just not compatible. It might be years before a quit attempt finally 'sticks' for him. There's nothing wrong with ending a relationship because of this.

How long were you together before he moved in?

OP, YABVVVVU.

Of all the things people deal with in relationships, and you're feeling hard done by because your DP smokes a couple cigarettes while he's away at the office.

Good luck finding someone perfect enough for you, your majesty.

I didn't think I would ever be in a rleationship with a smoker... Until I met my DH.

He has tried to quit but always relapsed, it must be such an addictive thing. He gave up alcohol completely 6 years ago and has never looked back but smoking has a tight hold on him.

To be honest, I used to get quite upset about it and probably behaved in a similar way to the way you are doing now (having big blow ups about it). It didn't change anything. Anytime he has tried to quit has been at his own instigation and I have to come to realise that if he ever quits for good it will be because something changes in him, I can't make that happen. I don't feel it is as straightforward as him choosing to smoke, it is a powerful addiction.

He is a grown up, knows all the facts, knows not to do it around me and the kids, hides all smoking paraphernalia from the kids and leaves a gap between smoking at work and coming home so the children aren't overwhelmed by the smell. He is a fantastic husband and father in all other respects. I am hopeful that one day one attempt to quit will stick. I would have been a fool to end our early relationship because of the smoking.

Origami thank you for your post it helped a lot.