I have just boiled over about dp smoking

[everythingis]

If this doesn't work I will be asking him to choose between us and smoking.

I can't go on and relationship is breaking down.

18 months ago he stopped so he could move in with me. I told him a serious relationship with a smoker wasn't an option for me. Then something v upsetting happened which is likely to be resolved in about 3 months. There has already been lots of progress with that. He's back to smoking at work every day and coming home stinking.

I told him late last night how much of a betrayal it is and that it feels like he doesn't doesn't give a fuck anymore. It's not a debilitating addiction he copes fine for days when he can't get away from me to smoke - on holiday etc. I have also told him he's not to collect the dc straight from work anymore as he stinks of smoke now. I never wanted in their lives.

The smoking has pushed me away so far now I don't think I can go on. I thought the decent thing was to try and hang on until the thing concludes but 3 months is a long time with me just tacitly agreeing to the smoking. I didn't plan to blow last night I just couldn't hold it in.

Sorry unborn I misunderstood

No idea why OP went out with a smoker, and then told him he could move in only if he stopped. Clearly OP has no understanding of smokers and smoking and just setting up for failure really.

But OP gone so I guess she's had enough advice for one day!

No your right behaviour wasn't the best term.

Why should you compromise your kids health?
He knew the 'conditions' of you living together.

He now has no respect for your relationship imo.

He's not even smoking in the house, so how "damaging kids health" has come into it I'm not sure.

I'm slightly confused by your solution to the problem you have with his smoking. If you end your relationship he will presumably still be the father of your DC and therefore still see them, so the fact that you don't want a smoker in their lives won't change?

I've seen people use the third hand smoke argument talking about kids but when not smoking near them ever. Can anyone explain that? I'm sure it's not but the way it's been explained in the past makes it sounds a bit far fetched!

Reality they aren't his kids

Reality they aren't his kids apologies, managed to miss that completely

If you ask him to choose you will lose. If that's what you want, at least break up with the guy rather than manipulating him into a position where he has to walk away - I've had someone do that to me and it is equally as gaslighting as what the smoker is doing to the OP in this situation.

And don't date a smoker again.

I find smoking really difficult too, and H's attitude to it. We both agreed to stop smoking when we were TTC - I stopped, while he changed his status to, "I will when DC is born". When I was pregnant, he was very pissy about me objecting to him smoking in the flat, even though the smell was nauseating.

So, he got down to what he led me to believe was "social smoking just in (or more accurately, these days, outside) the pub", but that has actually turned out to mean that he reverts to being a smoker when he is away during the week, as he works in London.

There was an incident at school, with a lighter in DS' book bag. After I went mad at that, we agreed all smoking paraphernalia would be left at the office. Until I found an unspent match lying on the bedroom carpet...

He thinks by saying, "I'm trying to stop", he has a get out. When I ask him what trying to stop actually means, and how it differs from not trying, he disengages.

When I got really cross about it a little while ago, and repeated that he said he would give up, he replied, "yeah, but I didn't promise." What are we, twelve?!

Ranting now. It makes me feel cross! And let down.

I kind of feel like if you can't be in a relationship with a smoker, you don't start a relationship with a smoker. He must have smoked from your first date?

It does sound like it really upsets you, and I have sympathy for you for that. But when I was dating, before I met DP, I certainly went on dates where the bloke concerned did things that I considered deal breakers (for me things like racism or disablism). I just never saw them again. Why did you?

Someone quitting smoking needs support and understanding not ultimatums.

Drug addict - lol - selfish - lol.

Don't agree with either of these OTT comments, obviously from a non smoker.

I can tell you that giving up smoking is one of the hardest things in the world to do, yes it is a disgusting habit, but so is drinking to excess; eating to excess - nobody sets out to have a disgusting habit, it creeps up on you, nicotine is as addictive as heroin but there's no way I'd call a smoker a drug addict or selfish; it's not done out of malice for anyone!

He doesn't smoke in the house or anywhere near it so not sure why you are so up in arms about it but telling him to stop will not work, will probably make him smoke more.

He was a smoker before you met him but if you want to end it, that's your prerogative.

My ex was like this. It is genuinely one of the reasons he is an ex. I told him early on that I wouldn't date a smoker. He said he would stop. Back and forth for ages. Feelings of betrayal and disappointment. Needless to say he's now miserable and still smoking.

It sounds to me like controlling behaviour on your part. No wonder he's withdrawing. Split up for both your sakes.

Jeez, giving up smoking is not that big a deal. I've done it. Yes it took about 3 tries and yes I had to want it for me. But it really isn't that hard and in no way comparable to heroin addiction. Those people are in huge amounts of physical pain. You're better off comparing quitting smoking to kicking a 3pm biscuit habit. It's not fun to make those changes but smoking is a disgusting habit and it's ruining his life because he's about to lose his family over it. Oh and he may well end up with cancer. He needs to grow up.

It has been scientifically proved that nicotine causes the same addiction as heroin, over and over again this has been proved.

A 3pm biscuit habit - nah, I smoked for years as did most of my family, it's the hardest thing any of has done in giving up, took me years.

Some really awful judgemental posts on smokers here - we are not evil creatures out to harm anyone; it's fuck all to do with growing up either, my mum smoked until she was in her 70s and was fully grown up.

Having said all that, it's up to the OP if she wants to not accept him with all his flaws, nobody is perfect and his intentions are not to bloody well piss her off.

Cant understand why you started dating him in the first place if smoking is such a big deal for you?

Thank you for all the replies. At work and don't have time to read them all until later but I really appreciate all the posts - lots to think about xx

Disgusting habit. Never have nor could I ever be with a smoker. Selfish habit and the smell...oh god the smell/stench is disgusting

Don't hold back man, say what you really think

If it's such a deal breaker OP then don't date someone who smokes in the first place. Deal breakers are fine to have.

You can't make him stop but you can choose whether to be with him or not.

For context what tipped me over the edge was him making an excuse not to come food shopping with me at the weekend then hiding the t shirt he wore to smoke in. Which was on our property. I found it obviously.

What's the connection between not wanting to go food shopping and smoking? He's obviously scared of you if he "makes an excuse" not to go shopping instead of telling that he doesn't want to for whatever reason.

Where else is he supposed to keep t-shirts? Somebody else's property? A t-shirt that smells of smoke (not pleasant) but hardly a health hazard to you or your children.

Seriously, do him a favour and let him go. You sound incredibly controlling and demanding.

If you don't like/hate smokers why force him to give up and get him to move in with you
who's the desperate for a relationship one, you or him ?
if this was the other way round everyone would be going LTB as he's too controlling

I don't care either way if he comes shopping with me but in the past he barely left my side at weekends. By choice. He saw the smoking opportunity and took it and then tried to hide it like I'm a fucking idiot and I wouldn't guess.