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Original poster

I have just boiled over about dp smoking

104 replies

everythingis · 13/01/2017 08:07

If this doesn't work I will be asking him to choose between us and smoking.

I can't go on and relationship is breaking down.

18 months ago he stopped so he could move in with me. I told him a serious relationship with a smoker wasn't an option for me. Then something v upsetting happened which is likely to be resolved in about 3 months. There has already been lots of progress with that. He's back to smoking at work every day and coming home stinking.

I told him late last night how much of a betrayal it is and that it feels like he doesn't doesn't give a fuck anymore. It's not a debilitating addiction he copes fine for days when he can't get away from me to smoke - on holiday etc. I have also told him he's not to collect the dc straight from work anymore as he stinks of smoke now. I never wanted in their lives.

The smoking has pushed me away so far now I don't think I can go on. I thought the decent thing was to try and hang on until the thing concludes but 3 months is a long time with me just tacitly agreeing to the smoking. I didn't plan to blow last night I just couldn't hold it in.

OP posts:
FrankAndBeans · 13/01/2017 09:04

To the person that said pregnant women just all give up, no they don't, up to a third or more carry on
So over 2/3rds quit Hmm
Either way, they're not compatible and gas lighting and lying are not things OP should put up with.

Mistykit · 13/01/2017 09:05

Have you tried being supportive instead of controlling? I'm not surprised he's lying to you about smoking. If you didn't want to be with a smoker then why did you even date him?

I'm a smoker and my boyf doesn't like it. He has never asked me to stop nor would he force the matter or give ultimatums. I want to give up and I will. I'm currently psyching myself up for it. I know he'll be supportive and he may have some mood swinging to contend with but he's aware of that (I already feel sorry for him for the first month that I'll stop Confused). If he forced the matter or gave me an ultimatum I would walk away because it would raise red flags re controlling behaviour.

dollydaydream114 · 13/01/2017 09:09

Compromise and ask him to try vaping instead.

It's still an addiction, obviously, but it doesn't stink so you and your kids won't be affected by it. I understand that smoking is a deal-breaker but the 'all or nothing' attitude is a bit extreme I think - there are compromise options.

I think a lot of people on this thread are massively over-estimating how easy it is to give up smoking. Just because someone 'can stop for a few days' that doesn't mean they're not addicted. And the whole 'well, pregnant women give up cold turkey' claim is a bit misleading - in fact, a lot of them do no such thing, but will tell people that they did simply because of the stigma attached to smoking while pregnant.

FrankAndBeans · 13/01/2017 09:11

I smoked for 10 years, I know what it's like to be addicted to smoking but once I had kids I knew I had to stop, so I just did. If you want it enough, you will.

FrankAndBeans · 13/01/2017 09:13

Why should OP have to compromise when he's lying and trying to gas light her? Their lifestyles and priorities are not the same. It's not going to work.

Cricrichan · 13/01/2017 09:13

As an ex smoker who is quite disciplined about most things, I understand how hard it is to give up. You're being really harsh on him and it's just going to make him want to smoke more.

Wolfiefan · 13/01/2017 09:21

I'm an ex smoker.
I wouldn't have quit because someone else tried to force me to.
He was a smoker when you got together. He's a smoker now. He lies because you are really rather OTT about this.
It's not going to work. You refuse to compromise (eg not having him smoke in the house or around the kids. Changing stinky clothes and washing them himself maybe?) He clearly doesn't intend to stop working.

Wolfiefan · 13/01/2017 09:22

Working? WTF? Smoking!!!!

Thurlow · 13/01/2017 09:24

Gas lighting?

So he knows you hate smoking. He knows it's a potential dealbreaker for you. He just can't quit - it's really not that easy for many people.

So he's still smoking and he knows you hate it so he's lying about it. That's not fucking gas lighting, that's someone trying to hide something they can't quit from the person they know who hates it.

Having been in his position before there's a high chance he hates what is happening but feels powerless to stop it - because hating it makes you stressed, which increases your desire for a cigarette, which makes you more stressed...

Put it another way around. If a woman had been told to lose some weight by her doctor, and she's trying but sometimes she cracks and eats biscuits and chocolate and then hides the evidence from her OH and lies about doing it. If that OH was worried about their health and wanted to help them lose weight, they might see the secret eating as something very upsetting and a potential dealbreaker ("my mum died of diabetes, its too upsetting for me to watch you possibly do the same thing" etc)

If that was the scenario, would people really be calling the woman a gas lighter? I highly doubt it.

charley3005 · 13/01/2017 09:36

Don't want to sound harsh but if you knew he was a smoker before getting into a relationship with him why did you pursue it if you never wanted to date a smoker or bring it into your DC's life? My DP smokes, I don't, don't particularly love the fact he does but I wouldn't try and change him!!!

Tenshidarkangel · 13/01/2017 10:01

If he was a heroin addict, I could get this reaction or if he was sniffing coke. He not. Smoking is legal.
You knew he was a smoker when you met him. Every smoker will relapse at some point - be it on a night out or when stress is high. Just like any addiction.
End it. If it is making you as miserable as you sound - Leave. Next time don't date a smoker or one you think you can change.

SandyY2K · 13/01/2017 10:06

Why did you get into a relationship with a smoker if you're so against it?

I think you are OTT.

He's a grown adult and can decide what he wants to do with his body. Addictions like that are hard to stop.

I don't know how much he smokes, but if even one a day is too much for you, and then you might as well end it now, but because he's not going to be able to stop just like that.

Hermonie2016 · 13/01/2017 10:09

Op, you don't have to compromise as its a deal breaker for you but would treat the ending of the relationshop with kindness and no bitterness.

He tried to give up smoking and failed, mostly likely due to stressful events.It's mostly a subconscious need to soothe so it's not like he is completely choosing.

You can end the relationship but if the children are close to him then it's more of a reason to do so calmly.
Of course you may feel let down but I really believe smokers try and fail a few times before stopping.
I have a really, really successful friend, he will still revert to smoking at high pressure times. He's very emotionally aware but even with all his skills and knowledge makes him relapse at times. He doesn't lie about smoking but definitely doesn't feel proud and if his partner was going to leave I suspect he would also cover up.

This is a really admirable man and it's his flaw.His partner can overlook this but doesn't mean you have compromise.

Iwasjustabouttosaythat · 13/01/2017 10:10

Very basically, he said he'd do something for you both that he did do. Now you say he's lying to you about it.

Yep, I'd give him an ultimatum. Explain that you want to be with someone who treats you with enough respect to be honest with you.

What happens next time he's in a stressful situation? No point waiting until this is over.

pocketsaviour · 13/01/2017 10:10

It's absolutely not true that every smoker relapses. I went cold turkey after one session of hypnotherapy in 2004 and have never smoked another cigarette. Despite my husband being badly beaten and put in hospital. Despite getting divorced. Despite my ex husband dying unexpectedly. Despite my son having major mental health problems. etc etc etc.

I was a 40-a-day smoker for about 15 years, FYI.

OP I completely understand where you're at. He gave up smoking because that was your condition for moving in with you. He's now taken his stressful situation as an excuse (yes) to start again. Has he tried anything else to manage his stress, instead of picking up the cancer sticks again?

Char22thom · 13/01/2017 10:12

I agree you have to like the smell of your partner but you didn't mind it when you first started dating him, what's different now? Having said that I do understand that it is probably about more than just the smoking. You feel a sense of betrayal and let down by him starting smoking again, it is deeper than just the action of smoking. You need to discuss it with him, what can you do to help him? I think it's a shame for dc to be dragged through a split over something your partner was doing when you got together.

TalkingofMichaelAngel0 · 13/01/2017 10:32

Also as an ex smoker i quit around 12 years ago and i would not date a smoker. I certainly wouldnt live with one. The main issue here is the gaslighting. He isnt the child's father.

And even if he wasnt smoking and lying and gaskighting you, YOU ARE ALLOWED TO END A RELATIONSHIP IF YOU ARE NOT HAPPY.

BoxingHelena · 13/01/2017 10:39

did he smoke when you first met ?

MsGameandWatch · 13/01/2017 10:45

I don't blame you, I couldn't stand it, the stale smell literally makes me want to be sick.

PollytheDolly · 13/01/2017 10:52

Ex smokers are the worst! I am one. The smell makes me gag now

BillyButtfuck · 13/01/2017 10:52

It's disgusting. DP was quitting when we met and got together so I gave him a chance and he did really well and completely gave up, or so I thought. He would smoke all day at work and then fabreeze the shit out of his clothes and car Hmm which made it more obvious. But his shirts stank and he would try and deny it.
Then I got pregnant and he promised it would stop, again I thought it had until I found his stash in my old suitcase in the garage when I was clearing out.
Then I gave birth, promised never again - oh look at the petrol receipts he gave me to sort his expenses out - fucking fags!

The more he promises to give up, the worse it becomes.
I got to a point were he made it so bad by lying that I would go out of my way to look for 'evidence' like a psycho.

I'm pretty sure he's stopped properly now, but it's always in the back of my mind when he's at work or out for the night.

Hate it, I hate what it'll be doing to him inside and I hate that it has such a hold of him. I hate that anyone would choose that for themselves.

UnbornMortificado · 13/01/2017 11:01

I wouldn't want to live with a drug addict

I'm sorry but referring to a smoker as a drug addict is just misleading and downright ignorant.

Yes nicotine is a drug but it doesn't affect or change your behaviour like you know actual drugs.

It also minimises serious drug addictions. Smoking heroin or weed and smoking cigarettes are not on the same level.

UnbornMortificado · 13/01/2017 11:02

Every saying that no one should be with someone that they don't want to be with. Of course your within your rights to leave if it's making you unhappy.

BillyButtfuck · 13/01/2017 11:04

I completely agree with unborn, other than 'it doesn't change your behaviour' - I have definitely found it does, the addiction itself can make a person lie, sneak around, steal cigarettes/lighters from people's bags (friends and family), hide things, get angry and act out. Things they wouldn't normally do.

I'm not saying this is the case for all smokers, trying to give up or not. You can't generalise and say it doesn't change behaviour. For some it can/does and others it won't.

UnbornMortificado · 13/01/2017 11:11

Sorry Billy I wasn't thinking along those lines but most smokers I know are open about the fact.

I was meaning getting high, passing out etc. I do get smoking is rank, I just don't think it's comparable to actual drugs.

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