Making and keeping friends

[Tantrictantrum]

How do you do it?

What kind of things make you drop a friend you've recently made?

I am not good at it.

I have found this hard. I've wanted more friends since I've become a mum. (only few years ago). Before I could whatever I want really no child to consider. now I'm constantly considering child can't just go out to do my own thing or buy my own stuff either cos no money and I think this is why it's more important (although I would have liked them before too).

I think I can be a really good friend. I'm a really good listener. But I feel like I've tried so hard since becoming a mum, putting myself out there when I wouldn't have before. eg talking to people more, asking if people want to meet up. When she was a baby I asked a few if they wanted to meet up but it was never really successful they said no even though some seemed keen or were flaky and it made me lose my confidence. So now I don't feel confident about it at all to be honest which makes me sad. I wish I was naturally oozed this confidence like some people do to everyone and naturally attracted people like some people seem to. I guess because I don't have lots of friends as well my daughter makes up a lot of my life and it's easier when there's two of you there.

I don't think when you're adults people are interested in connecting with new people anymore. Or just want to go to the people who ooze confidence and are really outgoing.

"I don't think when you're adults people are interested in connecting with new people anymore."

I don't really agree with that. Might be true for people with children, but people will be interested in connecting with new people if they're looking for new friends themselves. They just never want to be friends with me

oh me either then

I guess I'd hoped for people to go out and do our own thing together as I don't really get much chance for that. and I'm always playing with little one pretty much

Great thread ! bride that's how I feel, my experience of fake friends and trouble makers/leechs.

OP, I think I'm a little like you. Intolerant and introverted. I like it like that

What makes me drop a friend generally and those recently made? Selfishness, lying, flakiness , drama.

One friend I made recently and dropped fairly fast was a Two Shits Sally. You've been there , she's been twice, you've got it , she's got a better or more expensive version. I couldn't stand to hear the boasting and not out of jealousy at all because it was all just fake. She was jealous of most people therefore felt the need to outdo everyone . Very sad really. I often just felt embarrassed for her .

I think not every one can be your friend -

• There needs to be some kind of special connection
• And perhaps some kind of mutual interest or shared history

Does that make sense?

I think loneliness can come when you are not meeting enough people or the right people for this connection, or you are not meeting people with shared interest/outlook...

.... I think when this is happening you are more likely to make friends, perhaps.

Confidence is also a factor. Some people just aren't that confident about making friends/being liked, and this also probably has a part to play

There was someone who I felt like I had a really good chat with when I took my little one to a party the other day but we'll never see each other again probably and I felt like there was potential to chat more with her.

To me, it seems people don't want to make much effort though which must mean they're not bothered cos if they were they'd try. I'd always be open to making more connections

Generally i find friendships are like romantic relationships without the sex. Either i click with someone or i don't. I'm mostly interest in humour, people that do themselves 'up' will never be my friend unless they are exceedingly funny.
I have a couple of slow growers, although i wouldn't call them friends exactly, they are people i know, we might share a chat/coffee/childcare but a friend is something more than that.
I have very few friends funnily enough. But i'd rather have none than shit ones/aquaintences that i pretend are my friends when really they're little more than the friendship version of fuck buddies

I think there can be a situation where people's friendship 'slots' are filled - no vacancies - therefore they don't tend to respond to overtures from potential new friends. It isn't personal, but even if they like you they don't feel the need for a new friend at that point in time.

That is why people often make lots of new friends at a time of transition eg. starting university, being on maternity leave, children starting school or when there is a large intake of new employees at the same time.

MaybeDoctor - the way around that is to look for people who are also looking for new friends. Social groups are one way, groups for people from out of town/foreigners are another.
Still, if you have the problem I have, the issue will still be there. You will meet new people who are friendly, but you won't become friends.

At the risk of sounding a bit counsellor-like:

What do you think is stopping them from becoming friends with you?

It takes a long time to make a friend - about four years I would say. All that time you make an effort and see what happens, a bit like growing a plant. Don't Overthink every interaction but on the balance do you have a good time together ? If yes, then carry on.

In my experience, If you want to make 2 friends then be nice to 20 people, whenever you can. Invite them round, keep them up to date.

On the other hand, make sure it is reciprocal!

It is a fine balance To strike.

MaybeDoctor - that's not something I want to go into on this thread. It might not be relevant for OP anyway. For some people it really is just circumstances, but for others it's something else.

Fair enough - did not intend to pry - asked the question on the off-chance that exploring it might be helpful.

It might be helpful Maybe, but I don't want to take over OP's thread, plus I'm being torn to shreds on another thread at the moment so didn't want to risk any 'No wonder you're not popular, look at what you said on the other thread'. Thank you for the offer.

Crack on Gwen, I'm not precious!

Some friendships can be over rated! Less is more in my opinion.

Well, they have to be worth it Dinnerut, but I typically have only one person who will come out at short notice wherever I live (I'm single) so if that person goes away for a while, I get really lonely.

Ah see I need notice. Lots of notice

Well if you have kids I can understand. I can't really understand single people who prioritise a TV programme over going out with a friend. One thing is true though that I prefer notice as I get older because I can't have two busy evenings after another so if I'm doing something after work on Tuesday, I won't want to go out on Wednesday and I never do anything on Monday so I've got my own restrictions as well. Also, nothing on a weekend morning.