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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Making and keeping friends

146 replies

Tantrictantrum · 06/01/2017 21:50

How do you do it?

What kind of things make you drop a friend you've recently made?

I am not good at it.

OP posts:
CupOfTeaAndAbiscuitPlease · 08/01/2017 18:00

I know that you have little time for interests which is why I thought an online group would be easiest as you can dip in and out at your own leisure

CupOfTeaAndAbiscuitPlease · 08/01/2017 18:03

Ok.... what DO you like?

Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 18:29

I like Mumsnet, cooking, growing veg

OP posts:
sonjadog · 08/01/2017 18:38

Reading through this thread, you mention about being honest and seeing through bullshit, and so on. Do you have any perspective on that your "honesty" and what you consider "bullshit" is just your opinion and that your opinion does not trump what everyone else thinks? Because from what you are writing here, it comes across like you think you are just that bit more clever and special than other people - and that will put people off being friends with you fast.

So if you do want friends, I suggest you get a little humility, listen to people and try to understand them rather than judging them from what you perceive as your superior standpoint. Or decide that you are happy with the friends you have and continue on as you are.

CupOfTeaAndAbiscuitPlease · 08/01/2017 18:47

Mumsnet has local pages that you could post on. Facebook has cooking and veg groups you could join

Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 19:02

Sonjadog - hmm ok, points taken on board. Funny how a few people have picked up on intellect, superiority.. I have reread and I can't see where this is coming from. Is it my kind of people? Or something else?

OP posts:
Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 19:04

Thank you Cupoftea for thinking of me Flowers

OP posts:
Note3 · 08/01/2017 19:15

One thing I would say is that in trying to help you I and a number of others have been critical of how you're presenting. I can honestly say I've been impressed either your reponses to this and how you've reacted positively and not defensive as most would expect. That to me says a lot about you (in a good way). Being able to be self critical and accept people's input is an admirable quality.

Note3 · 08/01/2017 19:15

My phone seriously hates me! I wrote 'with' your responses and it changed it to 'either' grrr

IrenetheQuaint · 08/01/2017 19:32

In my experience 80% of friendship is just enjoying each other's company and having a laugh together.

Having a bit of character helps (I suspect a lot of the posters on MN who have difficulties with friendships come across as nice but dull owing to their anxieties about how to behave) so that shouldn't necessarily be an issue, OP, unless you really are a bit rude or just write lots of people off within minutes.

I don't like inane chat either, but if you're good at conversation it's quite easy to turn inane chat into something more amusing/meaningful. And with lots of people you have to go through the inane chat phase to get to a proper friendship.

derxa · 08/01/2017 19:36

I think that the way your exh's friends treated you had a profound effect. You're defensive because you don't want to be hurt again. Without going into detail I had a similar experience with 'friends'. I was the most sociable person but life events such as bereavement and illness have shown me who matters. I go to events that interest me and am perfectly sociable. But I don't rely on others or expect anything. People are not evil though just fallible people like you or me.

JerryFerry · 08/01/2017 20:09

The honesty thing... there is s big difference between being honest and blurting out the first thing that comes to mind. It is a bit of a tap dance 💃

Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 20:22

Note - thanks - what would be the point of getting upset I have to assume people are trying to help? They are being honest

OP posts:
Note3 · 08/01/2017 20:30

I guess that comes back to our earlier discussion around how you appreciate honesty but other people could find it rude/harsh/become defensive. I think it's important to remember our good qualities to bring balance

Madeyemoodysmum · 08/01/2017 21:06

I would also go to the funeral if she was your friend. In this case seems perfectly reasonable.

Tantric. Re the school comment. I think it depends on the content of the conversation. If we were talking about school generally then it may be fine to make a comment about it if it's constructive. For example I don't feel a single sex school is a good fit for my child but I wouldn't say the head of the girls school was rubbish. I wouldn't expect as my child hated the girls school therefore everyone should hate it. Even if I thought that privately (I don't)
Especially if I knew two people in the room had picked the girls school

That's just unfeeling imo.

TBH we are lucky in that most of the school where I live are good so it's just personal choice anyway and she is just sounding off as always.

gunnergirl · 09/01/2017 17:30

Lol you actually sound like me my close friends know wot I'm like and their still with me 30 years down the line I'd rather be honest

citybumpkin · 09/01/2017 17:57

I'm an introvert but when people get to know me than I become a bit too honest about myself. This seems to scare people away. I've always had very few close friends and this has always worried me. I'm always the one making the effort so after a very traumatic christmas due to family issues and the receipt of 0 (yes none, zero, zilch) happy new year messages, I have decided not to make any effort any more. No longer will I be the one doing all the keeping in touch, arranging outings etc. I don't seem to be the one to be invited to outings, whether as an individual or in a group. I will see how long I manage to keep that up as I feel very much alone.

Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 09/01/2017 18:40

Citybumpkin - happy new year Xmas Grin

OP posts:
citybumpkin · 09/01/2017 21:43

Thanks^^ tantric but you're over a week late and I'm now not making any effort whatsoever Wink

pho3be · 09/01/2017 23:10

city i got zero too, youre not alone! Fuck em

INeedNewShoes · 10/01/2017 00:36

Happy New Year messages aren't really an indicator of friendship amongst adults I would have said so please don't let that be a measure.

I only received one, but I didn't send any. I have friends that I love dearly but sending Happy New Year messages just isn't on my radar and most people at the point the new year begins are busy, out with friends or with family.

I have to say I have also stopped making the effort with a couple of friends where the majority of the effort comes from me. I haven't written them off but it will be interesting to see if the friendship is sustainable without me always being the one to pick up the phone. I don't really mind though. I'm not upset about it really. Friendships go through phases, peaks & troughs etc.

WesternMeadowlark · 10/01/2017 00:52

user1471446433 [Sun 08-Jan-17 13:59:01]

"Also I am really useless in groups of people but also a grower so need to tollerate the group's for long enough (but dont) to know someone well enough to see them solo etc it's frustrating!!!"

I think this is a major practical problem that introverts face.

We take more time for other people to get to know because we (generally) don't tend to externalise our thought processes as much, but we don't have that time, because socialising burns us out so quickly!

Other than finding other people who are the same and being explicit about this part of my personality and about my desire to make friends who share my interests, I haven't found a solution to it yet. And that's easiest to do online; all my friendships bar one have started online for this reason. Spending the time that they need to get to know me with them virtually rather than in person is much less exhausting.

Accepting my introversion and reading things others have written about how normal and unfairly-maligned we are has probably helped a little, too. I think it's calmed me down a bit and made me less defensive when interacting with people I perceive as being extroverts (who sometimes aren't, anyway, they're just better at passing as them than I am!)

Raingods Flowers

ImpetuousBride · 10/01/2017 06:00

A good discussion here. I too am the type who is rarely looking for friends - my life is busy enough, I'm also introverted and don't trust or share personal details easily. I feel like I've met so many fake, superficial, material, selfish and mean-streaked people... they've far outweighed the decent, quality people and I've in a way given up. So like you at work I'd rather be just working, at playgrounds just mind my own children (or often bring a book to avoid being approached), etc. I am very lucky with my partner, he is my best friend and understands me perfectly; also have a few good friends that I can have a great time and fulfilling conversations with (though like you I see them rarely as we moved away from our area). To be honest, I think I'm happier that way - no need to pollute my life with too much noise and unnecessary, empty encounters. It all gets tiring and draining very soon.

Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 10/01/2017 08:11

'Friend pollution' - good term.

OP posts:
fuckoffdailysnail · 10/01/2017 08:17

People who are constantly negative and surrounded by drama
I'm in the process of distancing myself from
A best friend of 10 years.
All she talks about is drama with her boyfriend. She rang me on my DDs birthday to complain about her boyfriend buying cocaine but failed to mention DDs birthday.
She rang me on Christmas Day crying he hadn't bought her a present and was angry when I said I wanted to see my DDs I'd ring her the next day.
I've spoken to her about it and she doesn't get it at all
Her behaviour is just bringing me down now
It makes me so sad but I really can't take anymore