Making and keeping friends

[Tantrictantrum]

How do you do it?

What kind of things make you drop a friend you've recently made?

I am not good at it.

I have a school friend who has no other friends than myself. She's very giving and good company when she likes you, but that's the problem: she doesn't like anyone. She sees herself as different to other people and sees everyone else as annoying . She can be judgemental and will often judge my life choices if they don't fit with her perceptions, but she thinks that's what everyone else does to her!
We're still friends as we have shared interests and I do enjoy her company when she's less negative. But, I can see why she has no frinds. She will often share quotes on social media about introversion and her dislike of society and people in general. It would put anyone off making frinds with her, but then we all know she's too good for friendships anyway...
I think humility, being able to actually relate and understanding goes a long way in sustaining friendships.

Shoes, I went through a very difficult time over xmas with a parent seriously ill and the death of my dog so at least one new years message would have been nice just so I knew people were thinking of me.

Perhaps I'm just one of those people who oozes negativity/drama? I like to think not. I'm mostly the one carrying on in the face of adversity and buoying others along. It has got to a point when I really cannot be bothered.

Hmm it's good to have a balance. I want to be able to be negative and positive. I find some people only want one or the other. Like you are their counsellor but they don't do the same for you?

I have a friend who has lots of good friendships. She would do absoloutely anything for anybody. She is super enthusiastic, has no filter and is a thoroughly good egg. She rarely takes offence. When I first met her I had been so used to people being just the tiniest bit aloof and the playing it cool gang that I was a but unnerved by her. I have never know anyone not to warm to her eventually. She invites anyone and everyone for coffee and it would never occur to her that people might find her too keen and would never think that she shouldn't send a text in case it came across too strongly. She is thoroughly refreshing. She is basically a good, decent open person with no game plan and people like that.

I make friends easily. I think what it is is that I am interested in other people and ask about them and their interests - even if they are not mine, I can still show interest in what makes another person happy. It is surprising how many people can only talk about themselves and what interests them. In my experience, those people are also the people who think that others aren´t quite as good as they are - and that is an unattractive trait in a friend.

I also think I have a lot of friends because I hardly ever feel slighted. A lot of the things people write about on MN as rude or grabby or whatever, wouldn´t even register with me. People are fallible. Sometimes we all do and say stupid things. I don´t dwell on it.

Also, being able to chat away does help as it is easier to be socially with someone who will talk back. But I have plenty of shy friends too. Often it is easier to do some specific activity together rather than just go for a coffee. It fills the silences and doesn´t leave the weight of the conversation on one person.

So my suggestions for finding and keeping friends are: be genuinely interested in other people, do not look for slights and reasons to be offended, be generous towards your friends if they don´t always behave exactly as you think they should, and find activities that are suitable for you and your friend to do together.

Also, take your friendships lightly. Don´t overthink, don´t be needy, don´t worry about them. Just take them for what they are there and then. If someone is suddenly busy, don´t think that it is you and that you have upset them. Just think that they are busy. Go talk to someone else for a few months and then contact your friend again. Whatever you do, don´t turn it into a big, intense conversation about your friendship.

Sonjadog
I really like your post, it makes a lot of sense
Thank you

I also find it hard to make new friends after relocating and quitting my job to be a sahm for a while.
I never before felt the need for friends as i do now. I feel a bit cut off from the world and partly I enjoy carrying on in my bubble but occasionally it would be nice to have a friend pop in for coffee or wine or meet up for a walk etc.
I'm going to (much hated) baby group tomorrow which I have been before and people there are actually very nice so will try some of these suggestions.
The thing is I've always been afraid to ask personal questions in fear of being too inquisitive or nosey, making the other person feel uncomfortable.

I meant much hated here on MN
The particular baby group is actually nice as I said

I think a lot of people come across as self absorbed or busy.
Some people genuinely don't want to widen their circle of friends, they are quite happy In their own world.

The problem occurs when circumstances change, for example a marriage breakdown, and they find themselves lonely.

A lot of people seem to be happy without friends and then at a loss as to how to suddenly acquire them.

All my close friendships have evoloved over long periods of time.

I don't want friendship to be hard work.
I like people with a similar outlook on life, shared interests, and those that are interesting and good company.
I don't like unreliable people.
I don't like untrustworthy types.

I like honesty bit value tact as well.
We can all be honest but I prefer honesty mixed with kindness.

Yy sonjadog. Great advice.

Sonjadog, the generosity within your post is wonderful. It should be put as a reference point for all friendship related posts!

I hope the thread has been useful to the OP. The main thing is that she is thinking and reflecting about her approach, as the status quo obviously isn't working for her.

I think the other thing that needs to be mentioned is circumstance. Some situations make it way easier to make and maintain friendships, as you simply have more social contact. At one point I was a SAHM of a toddler, also going through a very difficult patch in my marriage. All my postnatal friends had disappeared back to work - I was so desperately lonely that at one point I actually approached another mum on the street! When I went back to work that filled a big hole in my social interaction, likewise as my child got older and began nursery/school, that really helped. But I can see that a slight danger zone ahead might be the secondary years when they are more independent and that natural interaction with other parents just doesn't happen.

Certainly is a tricky one isn't it? To work out what level of friendship someone wants with you. Or why the want less than you. I've kind of given up trying to work it out.

Nothing to add really but I agree that once you have gone into social hibernation for a while it's hard to recreate some friendships.

I'm also a lot more knackered and time poor (DC, working FT etc blah) than when I made a lot of my old friendships.
Very little time for chat at work so making new ones is tricky. so I'd like to try to revive my old friendships and see those people when I can.

But what free time I have is at v short notice because my DC are small and not easily left. so that can be misinterpreted or understandably doesn't work for the other person. I did try to explain to someone once but they thought I was a bit weird. I think they just couldn't really understand how I'd let it get to the stage where I didn't have time for friends.

I am a bit lonely now especially missing female friends, although DH is great.
However personally I can see that my lack of input is probably the cause. Everyone's busy and their life moves on.

I'm an introvert and find keeping friends' things ticking over tricky at the best of times. Chuck in a few life changes I've had over the last few years and some depression and anxiety and most of my friends have fallen away.

Anyway. Nice to know I'm not the only one but I am sorry others are finding it tough.

I'm going to try to make some time for me and friends somehow this year.
Hope everyone ont thread manages to move their friends issues on in a good way soon too.

oblomov yes I have wasted hours trying to second guess people's actions or intentions and try not to do it too much now. I've managed to pretty much ghost loads of people without any malice intended so I try not to beat myself up and take it highly personally when they are a bit erratic as well.

Jeez. sorry that was an essay

Ah Footbone

I tried to make friends this week! She invited me out. She turned up over an hour late and was pissed (6pm).

What is a reasonable reaction out of interest?

You don't turn up an hour late the first time you're meeting with someone. I'd let it go.

Wow. I think that's terrible behaviour.
Don't bother again. How was her company other than that?

Um she apologised

I think she was so drunk she didn't really know what she was doing. Ah well.

Argh Tantric that's awful!

I find friendships really hard with tbh. I do have several close friends but that's it. I'm pretty introverted. I'm fine with my old friends but slow to make new friends. Yet I can go on dates just fine and chat away. I can make small talk at work and have lunches out with colleagues. But it never develops into real friendship.

One thing that annoys is when people get "weird." A few years ago I had a job in a somewhat unusual office (won't say where but somewhere involving signing Official Secrets Act) It was a close knit place to work for the above reason as you couldn't tell people where you worked so office friendships were close.

I resigned to do something else - had a massive party thrown for me, lots of cards and lovely presents. Everyone was super nice "keep in touch" etc.

Then I went back a year later and none of my old "friends" would talk to me. To this day I have no idea why! I only stayed a few months and never went back.

But it left me very confused about friendships and people - even know years later it makes me cross. what is wrong with people?

Polar - people are odd and often not very nice

OP you're my sort of person. No bullshit, no mincing your words. Me and my sister are very close and I don't see a need for others. I'm always disappointed by people. I find it hard to relate to people my age but equally find a big age difference means you're at different stages in your life so it's hard to relate outside of work etc. I can make friends easily but I think I make it clear that I'm not interested in proper friendships.

It's nice to know that maybe people just don't have room. I have a tendency to think it's my fault. Maybe it is sometimes but sometimes it might just be circumstances

Interesting thread. I guess you pick up friends along the way in different contexts but I find as I get older, I can't be bothered with things I had to put up with.

Agree with other posters about: me, me, me people! Had a friend from a year long course I was on, lovely, but last phone call was ALL about her so that put me off and I just feel I can't be bothered with wasting time on that.
Met some mum friends through nursery years ago, but only 1 have remained mates 18 years later, but works because they're not too over demanding emotionally.
Have got friendly (rather than real friends) with colleagues and others being a walking group but I think friendship, like relationships, take time to nurture. I really miss having a really solid work friendship. Have some nice colleagues but no-one really arranges drinks after work (or maybe I'm not invited!) and people have family and commitments to get home too. I tend to arrange drinks, suggest pub nights, meals with female friends but get a bit fed up being the organiser so I wait and see if others will arrange but I'd be waiting a long time! That's why I joined a walking group with Dh because there's a social calendar and someone orgqnises it and you just pay and turn up. However, I do have a very close best friend who I've known since school and she's really the only person I could tell almost anything to.

Oops sorry for spelling mistakes.... tired and not checking as I write!