Making and keeping friends

[Tantrictantrum]

How do you do it?

What kind of things make you drop a friend you've recently made?

I am not good at it.

I know people don't think I need them, and I don't really. A lot of the new blossoming friendships I've witnessed seem to revolve around being a free babysitting service; there are a lot of favours going on. It's not what I want.

The last time I made friends I had a traumatic event and a group of work colleagues rallied around and completely looked after me and we became close. I'd previously held them at arm's length. I think people need to know you want them and they need an "in".

MaybeDoctor - thank you for your feedback. Not being at work is an interesting point....

Intolerant - interestingly I am very tolerant, in general. I'm intolerant with bullshit and sniff it out at 100 paces. People don't like that.

Being honest doesn't mean being blunt and scary.
I think honesty is a big part of a genuine friendship. The honesty needs to come from a genuine place though. It needs to be because you care about that person and not because you need to voice your important opinion, no matter what.

I'm self employed and need my mum friends to meet for coffee in the week now and then or I'd go nuts not seeing anyone all day.

Not all school mums are air heads who just talk about kids and the gym some like conversations about politics books current affairs etc.
Next time your watching a school play get there early and challenge yourself to make conversation with another person whose alone
We are not all travelling in packs.

You come across as a bit intolerant and impatient, and also keep mentioning "being honest"

All the people I know who go on about "being honest" usually have a disregard for other people's feelings.

I made quite a few friends by getting through boring situations (toddler playgroup) with "inane" chat (just killing time) that then developed into friendship, after a moment of honesty ("God I don't think I can do another tots playsession!" Or "I wish I had not given up my job"You sort of bond over the shared experience of being bored to death at toddler group!

To get to this level of more honest chat, you have to first go through a fair bit of "inane" chatter.

Basically, you have to kiss a few frogs

It doesn't sound like you really want to know more people as they all get on your nerves. I think you have to accept people as they are if you are going to be friends with them.

Livelife - you have summed up what I 2as trying to get across perfectly

Madeye - I like your thinking

Tony dad has social issues and I was very shy as a child. I've trained myself to get over it over the years

To break the ice inane conversation is essential
"Wow that session was really tough" at the gym
"I really love your boots? Where did you get them? "
Even the weather works
Then if the person engages it will be easier to follow on or engage again next time as you have broken the ice once already.

One if my loveliest friends I met at nursery as our sons where mates and we chatted while picking up etc.

I'm pretty sure most of that at the start was chit chat but now I'd miss her terribly if she wasn't about

My dad not Tony!!

"How to Win Friends & Influence People" is still in print, and it's amazing!

Have you been hurt by people before? You have a style of bluntness and no-BS about you that suggests to me you've been hurt before, and maybe developed this persona for protection.

There's some good advice here. For needy mum turn off watch the episode from Catastrophe where Sharon Horgan's character makes one friend then becomes a bit of a cling on eventually desperately suggesting a holiday as the other mum retreats in panic. Sadly I think I put a few people off like this when I was a new mum (although never suggested any holidays ), but I had PND, and felt so disoriented and lost that I was desperate to find some nice mum friends to anchor me. I did in time but look back on some of my efforts and cringe now. With second baby I had a far more take it or leave it approach with mums at baby groups and ended up getting to know a lot more people probably as I was far more relaxed and less scary

I think you need to be patient sometimes and give people a chance. I'm not great on first meeting, still a bit socially awkward, don't really have mainstream humour or interests. But sometimes just persevering by picking up and chatting a bit to people each week at a group eventually you find something in common. Sometimes you don't but at least you've passed the time otherwise spent staring into a cup of coffee at a playgroup.

I also think learning to read people's cues is important but really hard. For example I have one friend who is very protective of her family time at weekends, DH works away during week. Invited them round a few times and wasn't met with warmth. Backed off a bit and was led by her, and we now have a great friendship but they don't do weekends because that's their time. Once I got that, I completely understood.

I think honesty is fab and I love blunt humour, but a lot of people don't have the confidence to deal with it. Perhaps when you're first developing a friendship you could soften this by being open about it so that people don't perceive it as a personal attack? Another thing to bear in mind is that whatever you're being really blunt about could be affecting someone you don't know very well which could be upsetting. Trying not to slag things off when you don't know people well enough yet to know their situation/sense of humour might be useful and prevent alienating people early on.

A few examples of of how expectations could differ

I have a lady who is within a larger group of friends. Don't see her much these days and that's good thing as she annoys me most of the time. Very opinionated etc. She has bad mouthed other friends children in front of me etc. Anyway a few of us met for coffee about 6 of us. At one point we were discussing schools, our kids are in year 6
There are 3 choices between us but instead of just being interested "friend" jumped on the school I and another lady have chosen and slagged it off saying she didn't like the head blah blah blah. Now that pissed me off. It's not called for. I would never slag off her choices.
I don't consider her my friend.

Another friends dad died. I only see her maybe once a year or twice at most and never alone only with another friend. I had only met The dad once in 5 years. I sent her a card and offered usual help etc
However she expressed to my mutual friend how surprised she was I didn't attend the funeral. She is much much closer to mutual friend. Holidays together etc.
I was really taken back I don't know her dad and I was shocked she would have expected this level of intimacy from me. Maybe I was in the wrong but to me we aren't that close.

Anyway I'm rambling but these are just my experiences of cross expectations that occur.

I think a shared interest is really important, I have moved around the country a lot but find it really easy to make friends and I believe this is because I join things and get involved in community events ........ that way I get to know what is going on (am naturally inquisitive nosey) and even if I don't 'click' immediately with someone then at least I am spending my time doing something I like or feel is worthwhile.

From my observations some people are incredibly 'needy' about friendships, they want to latch on to someone else but don't 'offer' anything in return; when I first moved to my current home I joined a gym at the same time as someone else new to the area - she was pleasant so we met for a coffee a couple of times but then I realised she was using me to 'widen' her social circle;; she would never initiate anything, would tag along to groups I was helping at but not offer to help or join in - it was really rather embarrassing, I lost touch with her but bumped into her recently and all she could say was how she hadn't made any friends or done anything in the seven years we have both lived here .

And I absolutely do not use social media. - apart from Mumsnet I only talk/engage with people in RL.

What sort of community events ragwort? I'm looking to join something new this year, have been wondering about the Wi?

Yes, I'm in the WI , I get involved in all sorts of community events - litter picks, delivering newsletters, local politics, fund raising events .......... depends what your interests are - I live in a fairly small, run down town but there are always things to do wherever you live. (I used to live in a tiny, rural place and there were still loads of events - despite what people like to tell you ).

I have a few good friends I have known for a long time and we all make equal and regular contact and effort to see each other. That is important.

I met amother friend about 18 months ago who was lovely but very needy and wanted me to drop anything to see her on a regular basis. This could have been up to 4 or 5 times a week.
She also loved drinking lots and was a type of person who put pressure on others to keep drinking with her which I hated.
About a year into the friendship she got a boyfriend (who she had been on and off with previously) and I moved about 20 miles away.

She never bothered with me again.

No great loss, but it just showed how you can sometimes be in some people's lives for a short time to help them and then move on. I was going through a divorce at the time and I could have done with better support and felt it was no great loss.

Another friend I had known for 20 years, didn't bother with me once during my divorce and when I found out from a mutual friend that she had been making an effort to see my exh, I totally removed her from my life. She messaged me 6 months later to ask why I hadn't contacted her and she had no understanding of how her actions had made me feel.

I think it sounds like you need to work out the difference between being honest and being rude (I love honest, can't bear people who have a front where you feel like they are pretending to be something they aren't) but there is a fine line and for me someone clearly switching off or being demanding about how I talk would be off putting. Also you come across as being rather self-absorbed/self/centred, everything you say is about what YOU will tolerate or want.

My closest friends are a mix of both women & men and parents and non parents, just lovely people. I have a lot of friends who like hanging out in a big group and others who prefer one to one. I'm not a fan of baby groups or the school gates but writing every parent off as boring is ridiculous, they are still people but all you are seeing them as is parents, which is really judgemental - imagine if that was all they could see you as? I've met some amazing friends through my kids. I also don't do inane and I am very academic - not needy (can't do in your pocket friendships, I back off from people who feel the need to spend every minute with you or text all the time),

From your posts though OP it sounds like if you actually want to make friends you will have to show an interest in other people - listen to them, let them tell you their stories, they might actually be interesting. Being serious, inpatient (which is a sign of intolerance) and judging everyone is probably really off-putting. Keeping friends is much the same, have fun, be interested in them and maintain whatever level of contact you are both happy with - also do stuff together & have fun.

There are people I meet who I think probably won't be 'my people', but giving them the benefit of the doubt can surprise you in the nicest way sometimes.

What about a local Facebook grp for an interest? You can "chat" to people with out the pressure of being surrounded by people

I really struggle making and keeping friends too. I always worry that I'm either too needy or too aloof, so I either reply to messages as soon as they come, which makes me look desperate, or try to wait to respond and then forget, then it gets too late to reply.

I volunteer, and work two jobs, and am a union rep, so I have plenty of opportunity to meet new people, but I just can't get the hang of maintaining friendships. My anxiety always gets in the way and tells me that I am not worth being friends with.

Someone I thought of as a friend died yesterday, and I don't even know if going to the funeral will be seen as morbid or inappropriate, as I hadn't seen her socially for a few years because my mental health has been up and down. I had seen her at work and we still had a friendly chat and a shared history, but I am feeling so sad and haven't even got the clearness of mind to know if going to a funeral is right! So it's no wonder I can't keep a friend.

Raingods I'm sorry to hear about your friend. If to you don't mind me saying so it absolutely sounds appropriate for you to go to their funeral. I think you would regret not going and I think both you and their family would appreciate going.

I am similar & have realised that essentially I am extremely introverted therefore I have to really really like someone to make it worth spending time with them. Also I am really useless in groups of people but also a grower so need to tollerate the group's for long enough (but dont) to know someone well enough to see them solo etc it's frustrating!!!

Thanks note3. It has really floored me, I knew she had a terminal illness but she was so positive and determined, that it is just such a shock that she has gone.

Ooh lots of new points... Firstly Rain gods I would go to the funeral (but I'm rubbish at being friends so perhaps ignore me)

Ican't - yes I have been hurt before. Exh cheated and left. We had a lot of mutual friends. I dropped them all as they all knew of his cheating. I couldn't trust anyone. I trust very few people and run if I need to.

Cupoftea - I have very little time for interests outside of work, having 4dcs. That's a barrier to making friends on top of my own issues. Hopefully as they get older I can do so. In the meantime I can work on my failings

For those of you saying to try and be friends with other parents. I shouldn't have been so dismissive in my post. I'm dismissive of the term 'mummy friends' and I meant I didn't have a baby circle etc like a lot of people seem to do. I don't do school runs etc so it's difficult to build relationships there. I know a handful and are on basic terms but they aren't friends iyskwim?

Being introverted - yes I am more introverted. I find communications an effort. I also have anxiety due to getting it wrong with people. I actually do care if I upset someone. I am never deliberately rude or hurtful with honesty. I do think before i speak about personal comments. But I would possibly say something about a school, like Madeye discussed above so that is something to consider. I will think why the conversation is occurring before adding anything to it. Thank you for that.

I'm quite blunt. I find that most men have no problem with it, but more women do, which is one of the reasons I tend to end up with male friends rather than female friends.