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Original poster

Making and keeping friends

146 replies

Tantrictantrum · 06/01/2017 21:50

How do you do it?

What kind of things make you drop a friend you've recently made?

I am not good at it.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 07:23

Inane conversation - anything I'm not interested in really. Top subjects I hate would be football, people's kids, the weather. I hate hairdresser chat. I like a good conversation. I can cope with my dcs blah blah blah for a couple of minutes but I don't want to see 20 photos plus 30 mina on their recent club for example. I just want to cry.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 07:31

Drquin

Blunt - yes.
Tolerance - hmm, this is interesting. People being 'worth it'. This is an issue for me. Very few people show me they are worth it before they piss me off enough to drop them. For example: organising a night out, cancel last minute in two occasions. Im done at this point. My opportunity to go out has been scuppered, it's too late to arrange anything else so I miss out on a night I could go out. Catch 22 - make effort vs are they worth it? Late? I can tolerate minor lateness and emergency issues but always late would be a problem. It shows a lack of respect

OP posts:
Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 07:35

Your example about your friend deliberating over the day.... I would just say 'Monday/Tuesday doesn't matter, get to the interesting bit (and smile).' Or I would switch off.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 07:39

I suppose I'd rather not have a friend than an unsuitable one. I can't do fake.

What is interesting from this is I've realised actually is friendship is probably overrated

OP posts:
Note3 · 08/01/2017 07:58

Tantric - in truth from what you've said if I was to meet you and you responded in the ways you've listed above I would stop making effort. Funnily enough I suspect I would be your sort of person to become friendly with given I agree on a lot of your listed likes and dislikes. However much of what you say you won't tolerate is either the compromise that comes with friendship or would come across as rude unless you knew the person well. Also the inane conversation is usually what naturally occurs with people who don't know each other well. It's part of the process as once you get past it you can suss out shared interests or lack of.

SorrelSoup · 08/01/2017 07:59

You make me laugh Smile. You're like me, but even harsher.

Echoing pp, my mum always told me my standards were too high with other people.

INeedNewShoes · 08/01/2017 08:02

I've had a phase in the last 3 years of meeting new people in the area I moved to, but after meeting up a couple of times they've scared me off by talking about going on holiday together, wanting to 'be there' for me, referring to themselves as a close friend when we barely know each other really. These sound like nice things but to me are all warning signs that people want a 'best friend' and have huge expectations of a friendship that is in its absolute infancy and are likely to be needy.

The more recent friendships I value are the ones that have grown naturally out of a shared interest and then developed to meeting up when it has nothing directly to do with the shared interest, but that common ground is always there and is useful.

When I moved to my new area I only knew one person so I made a concerted effort to make friends by, for example, asking groups of people if anyone fancied a drink in the local pub after an exercise class I'd signed up for. By asking the whole group if anyone fancies a drink you're not putting pressure on one person which I think helps.

Music and sports both seem to be good ways to develop a social life. All of my local friends are people I met through one or the other of those.

Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 08:10

Note3 - I like your honesty. Inane at the beginning, yes... hmm... I think I do this but I get bored.... I try to steer it away. I can do some inane.... holidays, pets.
People don't like honesty really. They say they do but they don't.

OP posts:
Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 08:11

Sorrel - we are a rare but fabulous breed

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CupOfTeaAndAbiscuitPlease · 08/01/2017 08:13

Honestly...with how you have responded here I wouldn't want to be your friend. You come across rude and impatient. But just because I wouldn't want to be, that doesn't mean that other's don't.

Ultimately you have to decide whether to stick to how you are i.e impatient, avoiding chitchat etc and risk not finding many people who want to be with you but the ones who do you will really like - even if it's only one extra friend in your life time OR be more tolerant with other's and maybe meet people who may not stretch you with their intellect but are nice.

Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 08:16

Newshoes - I'm not needy, I don't do any of the things you say. I don't do anything in a group except work. I'd rather not make friends with them - not my kind of people

OP posts:
CupOfTeaAndAbiscuitPlease · 08/01/2017 08:16

Could you join a grp that would meet your standards so that side is fulfilled enough so when you meet other people their lack of indepth conversation doesn't affect you as much

SorrelSoup · 08/01/2017 08:19

My dh says people are frightened of me as I seem self-assured and harsh. This mortified me as I'm a very kind and caring person, fiercely loyal etc. I don't want to compromise who I am, but have recently made more of an effort to accentuate my softness, smile more etc.

Note3 · 08/01/2017 08:19

Some people do like honesty but not all. Equally that honesty still needs to be filtered. This is 30 odd yr old me talking who has learnt that the friends I made in my 20s were not as great as they seemed back then. Back then I wanted the more cosmetic stuff from a friendship. Now I like the straight talking honest ones...providing they are kind with it and don't pick up on everything.

Note3 · 08/01/2017 08:26

Sorrel I have had the same said of me. I'm quite reserved and have a sense of humour but don't laugh as much as others seem to. I think this puts people off and I get that.

I have also been described as scary with friends saying their boyfriends wouldn't cross me and find me intimidating. I find this hilarious to a point considering ive never been violent or gangsterish so what exactly are they scared of??

However those who have got to know me see the fun, the dry sense of humour and the loyalty and kindness I offer.

daisychain01 · 08/01/2017 08:27

It's such a fine balance, cultivating a friendship. On the one hand you have to just "let things happen naturally" eg not getting involved in too much too soon, then again the advice in the book upthread says contact time/ shared interests are important.

INeedNewShoes I think I've fallen foul of what you describe Sad A person I felt a nice friendship was growing, has become strangely cold towards me when we meet up at our shared interest group. Maybe I just tried too hard although I hadn't demanded we meet up loads, but maybe in my effort to show warmth and concern, to engage (as I feel good friends should) she has decided she wants to place distance between us. I have backed off and given space, as it's easier than facing rejection. I'm thinking she may have felt I was trying to get too close. The balance is so difficult to get right (like any relationship I guess)

Tantric, I think you're right, friendships are often overrated - nowadays esp social media, puts pressure on to have friends. True friendship is very difficult to get right, so both people get what they need from it.

IMO reliability (being there, not crying off arrangements) loyalty (not talking about people behind their back)and consideration (two way dialogue not me me me) are values for good friendship but often lacking Sad

Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 08:30

Cupof - yes I'm probably misinterpreted as rude and impatient. First impressions are not a strong point. It's people who have known me a long time then want to be friends so I'm a grower, I suppose.

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Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 08:32

Note and Sorrel: same brains as me! Wow! Have had the same feedback. Scary has been said. I dont feel remotely scary.

OP posts:
INeedNewShoes · 08/01/2017 08:35

OP - you don't sound needy at all; I was just wittering generally about the things I find offputting.

I prefer socialising one-to-one as well but going out with a group is a good way to start. That way you can get the measure of people before deciding who it might be worthwhile meeting for a coffee with.

I consider myself generally intolerant. I choose who I spend time with very carefully but the way you're coming across on this thread is very prickly indeed!

Developing friendships is bound to be difficult with such exacting standards, unwillingness to spend time in a group, unwillingness to make conversation that isn't indepth enough for your liking. Friendships have to start somewhere!

Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 08:36

Cupof - I'm no good in a group. Thinking about it I don't make friends ever. They come to me - rarely (if they are brave ebough obvs Wink). That's why I dont have any!

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Note3 · 08/01/2017 08:36

Haha that's crazy! We're all hardcore Grin

SorrelSoup · 08/01/2017 08:41

I also know I don't want the friendships that I see played out between the school mums and on social media; they seem very stifling. I think I'm better with older people who can cut through the crap cos they've been round the block a few times, have a bit of perspective, don't know about "huns", "besties", and "love this one".

Original poster
Tantrictantrum · 08/01/2017 08:41

Sorrel - I've tried the softness approach too and I have done this for the past 3 years in work. It's a constant effort though and I'd just like to be myself. I'm not honest to the point of really rude e.g. you got fat, old, etc.

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KarlosKKrinkelbeim · 08/01/2017 08:44

Another scary one here.
Op I like your directness and your way of expressing yourself. I also am very direct and I don't really speak unless I think there is something worth saying. I suspect you and I would either get on like a house on fire or it would be WW3 in the first five minutes! But whatever it would be interesting. I think there will be people out there who will appreciate you, be patient and it will happen.

MaybeDoctor · 08/01/2017 08:47

'Monday/Tuesday doesn't matter, get to the interesting bit (and smile).' Or I would switch off.

I am a very articulate person who can converse at a high level, but I would find that really rather rude.

If I am recounting an anecdote with a friend, I want to be in a relaxed, supportive space. Obviously I try not to ramble, but I don't want someone demanding that I get to the point, be concise or present my story in a neat little package that retains their attention. I am not at bloody work! Switching off is also incredibly rude and people can see that you do it.

You sound very intolerant, tbh. Your posts are all about what you will and will not put up with. I suspect that some of this is coming over in your interactions with others. Friendships are about give and take, even in those first few interactions.