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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner making unreasonable requests?

147 replies

Buttonsxx · 05/01/2017 11:13

I have a 4 year old child and split up with thr dad about 3 years ago but we always got on well he phoned and spoke to them every night before bed, we would go on a day out the 3 of us regularly and help each other out when we could. I ended the relationship due to cheating and other issues and I was aware my child's dad still had feelings for me but made it completely clear nothing would ever happen between us again but we had been together 8 years and I wanted us to try and still be friends for our child's sake despite everything so fast forward to one year ago I met my partner and he was completely aware of the situation and he's such an amazing man and can't do enough for me he met my child about 5 months ago and he has been so incredible with them and has made it clear it will be the 3 of us as a family and he will treat themlike his own but obviously understands thr dad is still involved, they stay over at thr dads once/twice a week (this only started about 3 months ago previous to this he would just take her for a few hours not overnight) but my partner made it clear he didn't feel comfortable me my ex and our child going out together ect which I completely understand so stopped that straight away, he said he wasn't comfortable me and him talking on the phone so I have stopped that(just say hi and put him straight in to our little one) and also didn't want my child's dad coming in my house which again I agreed to, my child's dad would sometimes phone during the day to talk to them which my partner said he wasn't happy about so I agreed just a phone call at night but now he's said he doesn't want my child's dad phoning at all he should just text me the days he's taking her(he tells me a week in advance) and that's it, thrs no need for him to phone in between the days he has them it's weird and invasive and he thinks we should have totally seperate life's with my child I just can't agree to that I think he's being totally unreasonable at the end of the day my child's dad is still thr dad and he loves them and they love him and I want them to have a good relationship, It would cut him to the bone (and start world war 3) if I stopped him phoning my partner said it would be less confusing for my child and better for them because they can sometimes be a bit funny for the first few hours when they come back from thr dads but I disagree I think it would be confusing for them when it's been thr routine for 3 years to speak on the phone to thr dad. I'm justlooking for opinions or advice really I love my partner so much but I just don't agree with what he's asking me to do

OP posts:

magoria · 06/01/2017 13:30

You said in your OP you agreed to stop phone calls during the day and say only in the evening.

This wasn't your BF's first demand just one in a list.

You agreed to this. You have already put your BF and his wants over the relationship your DD had with her dad.

It was all softly softly with you going along blindly at your DD's expense. One litttle erosion after another.

Your ex will be in your life forever because of DD. You will have to have many conversations in the following years about all manner of things. Sometimes a text won't cut it. If you can go out sit and get something to eat while discussing things it is much healthier for all of you.

Your BF is trying to cut her dad out of her life. What if he succeeds and then in 6 month/a year fucks off?

DistanceCall · 06/01/2017 13:44

Your BF is trying to cut her dad out of her life. What if he succeeds and then in 6 month/a year fucks off?

It doesn't matter whether this git stays or leaves. The little girl's father is her father. He's not replaceable.

JigglyTuff · 06/01/2017 13:56

@Buttonsxx: "I've stated a few times now I have not and will not be stopping the phonecalls between my daughter and her dad"

But you've been cutting them down. Your boyfriend isn't dumb - he ultimately wants to replace your DD's dad and cut him out of your lives entirely. But he knows you won't go for that straight off. So he's chip, chip, chipped away at you like this:

Chip 1: "my partner made it clear he didn't feel comfortable me my ex and our child going out together ect which I completely understand so stopped that straight away," (not sure what that means actually - does he mean you, your ex and your DD going out together?)

Chip 2: "he said he wasn't comfortable me and him talking on the phone so I have stopped that (just say hi and put him straight in to our little one)"

Chip 3: "he also didn't want my child's dad coming in my house which again I agreed to"

Chip 4: "my child's dad would sometimes phone during the day to talk to them which my partner said he wasn't happy about so I agreed just a phone call at night"

Chip 5: "now he's said he doesn't want my child's dad phoning at all he should just text me the days he's taking her(he tells me a week in advance)"

So you've acquiesced to every single one of his demands up until now. He has every reason to believe you will back down eventually on this one. You are already damaging the relationship between your daughter and her dad I'm afraid.

ElBandito · 06/01/2017 14:07

Your 4 year old will be at school soon, if not already. Will you be 'allowed' to attend parents evenings with your ex? Go to school performances if your ex is there? Where does it end?
Bin your new partner.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/01/2017 14:24

Are you considering ending the relationship?

I know it's so easy to sit here and say that's what a bunch of people think needs to happen. It's very different when you yourself are faced with the situation.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 06/01/2017 15:11

I agree with Jiggly (and others). He is using the "little bit by little bit" strategy. You agreed to the first request which was reasonable. So then, since you agreed to that one thing then you shouldn't mind altering this other thing a wee bit. You agreed.

So if you agreed to 1 & 2 then 3 really isn't much of a stretch and you can see that 3 really isn't that much of a big deal in and of itself, so it is easy to agree to that too.

All the while though the bigger picture is set aside into "unreasonable" territory by him as he is maneuvering into the position of the one who makes the rules.
You have noticed this and called him out on it- thus the arguments.

This may be more about him asserting his authority over you rather than erasing your ex (both are a win-win for him).

Don't go silent. Silence is a yes to him. Shift the topic from your ex to the incompatibility of your relationship.

^nauticant* Amen to that. Do not fall pg.

Original poster

Buttonsxx · 06/01/2017 16:48

Yes I have agreed to stop the phonecalls during the day because my ex could be phoning up to 5 times a day, sometimes when my daughter wasn't thr maybe at nursery or when I was at work which when my partner highlighted that it was an awful lot and felt one phone call at night for as long as he wanted was reasonable and actually when I've thought about it and done research in to children of split up parents and spoke to my daughters nursery they all agreed that was a lot and that one phone call every day was a good amount for half an hour/40 mins or however long my daughter and her dad want to chat for I sit right next to her and if he had anything he wants to talk about to me regarding our daughter we talk about it what my partner didn't want was us just having casual chit chat which was I 100% happy about stopping? No I wasn't I will admit however the stopping the phonecalls during the day I have to I feel was a good move he phones at the same time every night and my daughter expects it. This however stopping the phonecalls all together (hence the reason I have said no and wrote this post) is a step way to far and very controlling on my partners side yes! Have I seen a different side to him? Yes however the days out and the phonecalls during the day stopping haven't at all effected my daughter in a bad way so people making out that I done something wrong by stopping that I don't agree with because it was an exsesive amount to be phoning multiply times a day but I am reading everyone's comments and taking them in however anything I have done has always had my daughter in the front of my mind obviously and if I thought it would of effected her badly I wouldn't have done them! Hence why I'm not doing this I respect my daughters dad and she is as much his and she is mine I would never play God and try and control them or thr relationship

OP posts:

JigglyTuff · 06/01/2017 16:54

Well that isn't at all what you said in your first post, is it?

It doesn't explain why your ex isn't allowed in your house or why this is actually part of a pattern of behaviour which is why I've laid it out like that.

But you've clearly decided it isn't so I'll leave you to it. Good luck.

JessicaEccles · 06/01/2017 16:57

Huh? Why shouldn't you have 'casual chit chat'? Why is a new partner even giving an opinion on how you raise your child?
I mean, fair enough if you were feeding her cocaine - but phone calls from her dad? None of his business.

Original poster

Buttonsxx · 06/01/2017 17:05

What do you mean that's not what I said in original post? I didn't go in depth about the phone calls during the day I only mentioned it for a bit of background I didn't go in to detail about it like I did in my previous comment as that isn't what my issue is about

OP posts:

magoria · 06/01/2017 17:08

I totally agree with you DistanceCall he is not replaceable that is what the BF is trying to do though.

Freeatlast2017 · 06/01/2017 17:35

What do you think of what everyone is saying about this man op?

twattymctwatterson · 06/01/2017 18:11

You don't seem to be commenting much on what everyone is saying regarding the bigger picture here OP which is that this man has abuser written all over him. Do you see that?

user1479305498 · 06/01/2017 18:11

You know without trying to predict anything , partners can come and go (however amazing he seems at the time) and you could end up ruining your relationship with your childs father for someone who seems massively important at the time but may not be around in the future. I was involved with someone like this many moons ago and he gradually ruined all my relationships with family and somehow I got sucked into allowing him to!! it creeps up please dont let this be you.

ElspethFlashman · 06/01/2017 18:13

What IS your issue about?

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 06/01/2017 18:20

OP, if you dont stop making excuses, it is gonna backfire in your face big time. This man has no say in how you raise her but you are happily giving in way too easily.

Mummyoflittledragon · 06/01/2017 18:48

This isn't at all the impression you gave in your earlier posts. Are you sure you're not minimising his behaviour? You said how exhausted you are from all the arguing.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 06/01/2017 19:57

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

SandyY2K · 06/01/2017 20:20

I take a different view to your BF. If I wasn't happy with the amount of contact between my BF and his Ex, I wouldn't feel it's my place to dictate the number of phonecalls, to demand that calls stop and revert to texts, request that she doesn't enter his house or demand that there be no chit chat.

If my BF was okay with the level of contact ... then I'd accept it or leave the relationship and see it as my problem.

The only thing I agree with is that the family outings shouldn't happen while you're in a relationship ....and Iif there were so many daytime calls then fair enough... that's a valid point.

Everything else smells of him being controlling ... and wanting the family unit to be you, him and DD. After knowing her for 5 months why is he trying to muscle in and tell you what's in her best interest. It's not his place to do that at all.

I'd never dream of telling a BF what's best for his child, unless they were in danger. He's not even her stepdad.

It's this kind of man who when you marry, starts wanting your child to spend father's day with him and not her dad. I've seen it before and it's so damaging for the child abd hurtful to the bio dad.

They even want the child to call them a variation of dad ... they want to be at parents evening and basically want the child to see their dad less and less.

There's red flags all over this. .. but proceed at your peril.

SanityAssassin · 06/01/2017 23:37

How awful that your DD isn't just allowed to speak to her Dad whenever but only at a rigid one time a day! And you are trying to justify this waste of space dictating to you and your previously happy family. If you are choosing to be the abused woman (which you are even if you don't realise it yet - there are so many people on this thread who speak from experience) Don't do it for your DD though. Send her to live with the parent that is prepared to put her interests first.

hellsbellsmelons · 07/01/2017 08:24

So if you are out and DD is ay nursery how does your partner know he calls all the time during the day?
The fact he is even suggestion NO phone calls at all is a huge red flag.
Think very carefully about this guy.

ThirdThoughts · 07/01/2017 09:08

Does new partner live with you?

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