Partner making unreasonable requests?

[Buttonsxx]

I have a 4 year old child and split up with thr dad about 3 years ago but we always got on well he phoned and spoke to them every night before bed, we would go on a day out the 3 of us regularly and help each other out when we could. I ended the relationship due to cheating and other issues and I was aware my child's dad still had feelings for me but made it completely clear nothing would ever happen between us again but we had been together 8 years and I wanted us to try and still be friends for our child's sake despite everything so fast forward to one year ago I met my partner and he was completely aware of the situation and he's such an amazing man and can't do enough for me he met my child about 5 months ago and he has been so incredible with them and has made it clear it will be the 3 of us as a family and he will treat themlike his own but obviously understands thr dad is still involved, they stay over at thr dads once/twice a week (this only started about 3 months ago previous to this he would just take her for a few hours not overnight) but my partner made it clear he didn't feel comfortable me my ex and our child going out together ect which I completely understand so stopped that straight away, he said he wasn't comfortable me and him talking on the phone so I have stopped that(just say hi and put him straight in to our little one) and also didn't want my child's dad coming in my house which again I agreed to, my child's dad would sometimes phone during the day to talk to them which my partner said he wasn't happy about so I agreed just a phone call at night but now he's said he doesn't want my child's dad phoning at all he should just text me the days he's taking her(he tells me a week in advance) and that's it, thrs no need for him to phone in between the days he has them it's weird and invasive and he thinks we should have totally seperate life's with my child I just can't agree to that I think he's being totally unreasonable at the end of the day my child's dad is still thr dad and he loves them and they love him and I want them to have a good relationship, It would cut him to the bone (and start world war 3) if I stopped him phoning my partner said it would be less confusing for my child and better for them because they can sometimes be a bit funny for the first few hours when they come back from thr dads but I disagree I think it would be confusing for them when it's been thr routine for 3 years to speak on the phone to thr dad. I'm justlooking for opinions or advice really I love my partner so much but I just don't agree with what he's asking me to do

OP my ex and I share a DS and I've been with my current partner for 10 years, he has never asked me to change anything in terms of how I interact with my son's dad or contact arrangements with our DS, my ex and I are friendly and he takes our son every week, he calls whenever her wants, pops in for a cup of tea if he's passing by and the three of us work together to parent our DS, he calls them both Dad and always has (by his own request and the with the blessing of his dad).
What you've posted really alarms me, he is controlling and jealous and clearly doesn't trust you.
He's cutting your DCs dad out of their life slowly, who will he 'request' you stop seeing next?
Think very carefully about this relationship, because I have serious concerns that he is manipulating you in order to prime you for emotional abuse.

So... put bluntly.... you are allowing your new shag to deprive your kids of the relationship they had with their dad!

You said he's such an amazing man and can't do enough for me he met my child about 5 months ago and he has been so incredible with them and has made it clear it will be the 3 of us as a family and he will treat themlike his own but obviously understands thr dad is still involved

So he can't do enough to control you...
He treats you just like you are his family... by cutting the kids off from their real dad - who is actively involved with them... it really will be just the tree if us as far as you are concerned...

The only 'incredible' thing is that you have allowed him to do this to you and your kids!

I know all of that reads very harshly but, based purely on what you have written I really think you need to get rid of him before he isolates you and your DC and you start thinking his demands arepefectly normal. They are not! He sounds horrendous!

My dd is friends with my friends dd. I was at their house and her ex husband arrived to pick up the kids. He was invited in, chatted with her current husband and me. I know you need to be careful as your ex has proclaimed his undying love. But it's normal and grown up and adult to get on with an ex with whom we have children for the sake of the children.

You are handing this man all of the power on a plate. The more you agree to without question or much of a fight, the more unreasonable you will seem to him when you disagree. He is going to continue to up the anti on the basis that you will eventually crack. I would be careful as he may become aggressive and nasty as he sounds very controlling and controlling people don't handle resistance well.

ohdear you sound like you have it sorted you are really lucky to have a great arrangement, pity more people can't do this, it is difficult trying to blend families sometimes.

Jesus, what a nasty piece of work. have my first LTB.

If some controlling woman came into my exh's life and stopped me calling my dc when they were with him i would go nuts!

Although not ideal, you and your ex seem to have come to a civil place regarding your dd, which all seperated / divorced parents know is hard work, and now this man has come into your life and is trying to ruin it.

Think about it from your ex's point of view. Would you like it if he got some new gf who was trying to push you out of your dd'd life? i'm pretty sure you would be livid, and livid with your ex if he allowed someone to do that.

i can see why your new dp would not want you going out with your ex for day trips etc, but banning him from the house and from phoning is nuts!!

Your poor daughter. Please don;t let this controlling an ruin your life.

"has made it clear it will be the 3 of us as a family and he will treat them like his own"

Why has he had a say in this at all? Your child already has a father who clearly loves her and is involved in her life, is there any reason for your new partner to treat her like his own? Surely this is very confusing for your child?

I have a DSD who i would do anything i could for, but she has a mother and doesn't need me to step into that role, which seems to be the case for your DC and her dad.

Above all else put what is best for your child in place and ignore this overbearing new partner of yours. It is not his place to impose rules as far as your child is concerned.

Your child's interaction with their dad is for you, your child and their dad to agree. It is absolutely NOT up to your new partner to decide when your child can speak to their own father, or how often you can speak to your ex about your child.

Your partner is being massively unreasonable and controlling and this should be raising alarm bells with you. This man only met your child five months ago and now he's trying to stop them from talking to their own dad when she wants to? How dare he?

Of course your ex needs to talk to his child frequently. Of course you need to speak to your ex, because you have a child together and things will need to be discussed about that child, and it's in your child's (and your own) best interests to have an amicable and civilised relationship with him. If your partner is saying otherwise, he is a jealous, controlling twat who doesn't give a shit about your child.

please get this man out of your lives, this isn't going to end well.

I think your partner is being completely unreasonable here. He is putting his own feelings before the wellbeing of your child. It sounds like your child has a great relationship with her dad and that you have really made everything work brilliantly for her despite your break up - now this new guy walks into the situation and starts dictating...!! He has no right to come between your child and her father, he is absolutely overstepping the mark. It sounds like you have already bent over backwards to be accommodating, but I think stopping your child speaking to her dad on the phone is utterly selfish of him and absolutely not his place to dictate that. Imagine if you were in your ex's shoes, how that would make you feel. There is no reason to cause so much hurt, resentment and anger to your child and your ex by following through with this ridiculous demand. I think his behaviour does sound controlling and this early on... where will it end? Imagine what he might be like a couple of years into your relationship. Alarm bells would be ringing if it were me.

sounds controlling and its worth remembering that there is now a new criminal offence concerning controlling events ie. chooses what you wear, who your friends are where you go, wants to know everything, checks up on you. Tell him your concerns and if it doesnt stop, ditch - slippery slope

This is terrifying! LTB NOW!!!!!

It will only get worse and at the rate it's progressing you will be back here in another 5 months scared for your life!
You cannot change him or reason with him.
Run like the wind and put a (great) distance between him and your child!!

Your partner is acting in a controlling way.
He doesn't have the best interest of you ur child in my mind, only what he thinks would be best for HIS relationship with you. And he doesn't want your ex to be on the scene.

You will have to decide what is best for you and more importantly what is best for your child. It is normal for your DC to be able to talk to their dad during the week. It is not normal for them to have a completely separate life with you and with their dad. What would be next? Your child not allowed to talk about their dad?
And what's this stuff about only texting? This is the sort of advice you give to people when things are NOT going well and the ex is abusive. But in your case, a much better approach would be to be able to talk to each other. You will soon have to discuss schools, issues at school, teachers appointment etc etc. Is your partner expecting you to never talk to your ex about any of that?

has made it clear it will be the 3 of us as a family and he will treat them like his own

But that cannot ever be the case, can it, because your child's father will always be his father? It sounds as if your partner wants to push your ex right out of his child's life, and if you gave in on the latest demand he would be moving on to pushing you to cut down contact or stop it. One thing you could reasonably point out to him is that, if you gave in, your partner might well go to court and actually get the right to more access, not less. But really the point is that he should just accept your decision on this and should not be pushing you or arguing with you. Unless he accepts that, you really need to rethink this entire relationship.

Your new partner does not get to dictate how you and your ex co-parent your child. Of course he can voice his discomfort and you can reassure him, but if 'world war three' kicks off when you won't do what he says then he is really not the wonderful man you think he is. I'm sorry.

Btw, atm you have been bending over for him to make him happy. Any changes he has asked for, you did.
He testing the boundaries to see how far he can go.

You will have your answer as to how great a man he is, when you will see his reaction to you setting clear boundaries (not changing the arrangement for you ur child's contact with their dad). If he is still crying, arguing, getting angry etc... you will know for certain he is controlling and not a Good choice.

Do you think I should show him this? Make him see other people agree his requests are completely unreasonable? I'm not going to stop my child's dad phoning her I have made that clear my daughter is my everything and comes above and beyond everything else thr is so doubt about that, I've asked him is it because my ex still has feelings for me and he he said no i just can't argue about it anymore I'm exhausted

Stand your ground with this OP. You read so many stories on here of where threatened and insecure OW's (in my case), partners, new girlfriends etc start laying down the law and trying to airbrush ex's and their children out, the advice is the same and applies here too...it's controlling, it's a massive red flag and the damage is potentially huge. I know this as I am living it and it has had a profound effect on our lives.

You are the parent here, the decision is yours and yours alone. Your partner of only 5 months has ZERO right to interfere with your arrangements and that includes going out together as parents to your child. How dare he! You have shown incredible maturity dealing with your ex, despite his behaviour towards you and that can only be a positive thing in terms of your child. Please consider this relationship, whether ultimately it is right for you. In the longer term, and if you allow him to get away with this, it will be the tip of the iceberg of controlling behaviour. Good luck

He'd have been told no at the first demand from me tbh

Take me as I am or not at all.

I am not property to be controlled

Show him this thread if you like OP. My guess is that id he doesn't regard your dd's feelings then he isn't going to regard a bunch of women off of the internet.....

You shouldn't need to show him anyway, he should respect your wishes about who comes into your home and your co-parenting relationship with your ex. Maybe it's worth pointing out to him that he will to put up with your ex being around if he is to have any kind of future with you.

"Do you think I should show him this? Make him see other people agree his requests are completely unreasonable?"

He feels entitled to act like this and really does not give a fig about you at all. You are now really seeing what he is really like. No on both counts to the above; he will just dismiss this as comments from what he thinks are a lot of man hating women.

Why is this man who after all has only been in your life for 5 months being allowed by you to call such shots here. He has no business to act like this and I think you need to give this person his marching orders asap. He is not a nice man to be at all around and you are seeing this already from him only 5 months in too. He won't improve; infact his power and control over you will increase in frequency and ferocity.

Apart from dumping him now I would also suggest you enrol on Womens Aid Freedom Programme and read "Why does he do that?" written by Lundy Bancroft.

Do you think I should show him this?

We've all being telling you to show him the door. By all means. But only if you think he won't get violent.

I just can't argue about it anymore I'm exhausted

That's what he's banking on. Can't you see that? He's wearing you down until you comply. He's gaslighting by not giving you a reason. Because there is no reason. Other than because this is what he wants.

You don't need to argue. You just need to say no, it's not happening.

I don't think it's worth showing him the thread. I do think you should listen to to voices of every single poster on here.

You will have your answer as to how great a man he is, when you will see his reaction to you setting clear boundaries (not changing the arrangement for you ur child's contact with their dad). If he is still crying, arguing, getting angry etc... you will know for certain he is controlling and not a Good choice.

This will show once and for all whether he is controlling or not.

pipsqueak25
Thanks, I am very lucky. It takes willingness on all sides to absolutely put the child in the middle first.
I'm so grateful my ex and my current partner get on well and that we all want the same for our DS; a happy childhood with three parents who love him and put his emotional health first.
Some of the stories I see on here of jealous and abusive ex's using children as weapons of revenge give the the rage.

"I just can't argue about it anymore I'm exhausted". - That's what he's banking on. Can't you see that? He's wearing you down until you comply. He's gaslighting by not giving you a reason. Because there is no reason. Other than because this is what he wants.

This too

i just can't argue about it anymore

There is no argument to be had. You've made your decision. It's a no. Next!