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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Partner making unreasonable requests?

147 replies

Buttonsxx · 05/01/2017 11:13

I have a 4 year old child and split up with thr dad about 3 years ago but we always got on well he phoned and spoke to them every night before bed, we would go on a day out the 3 of us regularly and help each other out when we could. I ended the relationship due to cheating and other issues and I was aware my child's dad still had feelings for me but made it completely clear nothing would ever happen between us again but we had been together 8 years and I wanted us to try and still be friends for our child's sake despite everything so fast forward to one year ago I met my partner and he was completely aware of the situation and he's such an amazing man and can't do enough for me he met my child about 5 months ago and he has been so incredible with them and has made it clear it will be the 3 of us as a family and he will treat themlike his own but obviously understands thr dad is still involved, they stay over at thr dads once/twice a week (this only started about 3 months ago previous to this he would just take her for a few hours not overnight) but my partner made it clear he didn't feel comfortable me my ex and our child going out together ect which I completely understand so stopped that straight away, he said he wasn't comfortable me and him talking on the phone so I have stopped that(just say hi and put him straight in to our little one) and also didn't want my child's dad coming in my house which again I agreed to, my child's dad would sometimes phone during the day to talk to them which my partner said he wasn't happy about so I agreed just a phone call at night but now he's said he doesn't want my child's dad phoning at all he should just text me the days he's taking her(he tells me a week in advance) and that's it, thrs no need for him to phone in between the days he has them it's weird and invasive and he thinks we should have totally seperate life's with my child I just can't agree to that I think he's being totally unreasonable at the end of the day my child's dad is still thr dad and he loves them and they love him and I want them to have a good relationship, It would cut him to the bone (and start world war 3) if I stopped him phoning my partner said it would be less confusing for my child and better for them because they can sometimes be a bit funny for the first few hours when they come back from thr dads but I disagree I think it would be confusing for them when it's been thr routine for 3 years to speak on the phone to thr dad. I'm justlooking for opinions or advice really I love my partner so much but I just don't agree with what he's asking me to do

OP posts:

OnceMoreIntoTheBleach · 06/01/2017 08:05

Another vote to get rid OP, sorry. I know how hard it is when you think you've found your forever person, who is happy and willing to take on your child etc but as others have said, this is very controlling behaviour very early on, and will only build and get worse.

Think into the future when there are bigger decisions about your child to be made, which should be made by you and her dad. Once this man has had his feet under the table for a while, he won't take it lightly if he doesn't agree with what you want.

He either needs to respect your decisions about your child or he needs to leave. It's as simple as that.

You need to be brave and stand up to him, for the rights of YOUR child

Butterymuffin · 06/01/2017 08:12

Unfair on your child to demand this. You are being an adult about her relationship with her dad, your partner isn't. Not a good sign. Don't back down.

twattymctwatterson · 06/01/2017 08:28

What will he demand next OP? If he's saying it's not jealousy then he's saying he has a right to control how you parent. Has he started making niggly comments about other things? Friends or family members who are not very good for you? The way you dress etc? I'm sorry but his demands will only escalate if this is what he's like at this early stage

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 06/01/2017 08:40

5 months in, a relationship should not be this difficult and a partner this short term should not be having an impact on the way you live your life. If your ex hasn't kicked off yet then he's got the patience of a saint. How would you feel if he got a new gf and suddenly wouldn't talk to you, wouldn't allow you to call or text the children, put an end to long standing arrangements that you'd had? Not very happy I would guess.

As others have said: RED FLAGS!!!! THIS WILL GET WORSE. And it will bleed into other areas of life. He won't like you talking to your male colleagues. He won't like you making small talk with male shop assistants. Your makeup will make it look like you're trying to attract men so you need to stop wearing it. Your clothes are too revealing and you're giving people the wrong idea so you'd better cover up completely and just wear black. You look like a slag when you do your hair up so you can't leave the house like that....See where I'm going? And your daughter will get a front row seat to all of this.

I was coming on to say that your partner is too immature and jealous to be in a relationship with someone who has a child (and therefore is a co-parents) but it's worse than that, he's actually abusive. That means that there's no reasoning with him and there's no compromise. You just need to get rid I'm afraid.

One more thing: He doesn't know what's best for your child - YOU DO! He has been in the picture for a very short amount of time. Don't let him undermine your confidence in making the best decisions for your DD. You were doing a great job before he turned up. You do not need his advice or input.

SanityAssassin · 06/01/2017 10:07

If you wont get rid of him for your sake then do it for your DD as she s=doesn't deserve to have to live in a house with this abuse going on . It will affect her whole life and her future relationships. Her dad may cotton on to what is happening and apply to the court for residency and you could lose her.

JigglyTuff · 06/01/2017 10:15

He is abusive - look up coercive control. He is not amazing at all.

Dump him now. You don't need to show him the thread. You don't need to tell him a reason. You can just tell him that it's not working for you any more and that the relationship is over.

You have every right to speak to whoever you want, whenever you want.

Serowe72 · 06/01/2017 10:45

I think you should give her to her Dad, perhaps he can care for her and put her first, in a way that you seemingly are unwilling to.

hellsbellsmelons · 06/01/2017 10:49

Hold on!
You have no idea what action the OP has taken so far.
Unnecessary!

PastysPrincess · 06/01/2017 11:09

Red flags coming up on pretty much everything you've said. Sounds like he wants an instant family and the ex is getting in the way.

If he can't understand your concerns and decisions then I would walk. It's only going to get worse from here.

Original poster

Buttonsxx · 06/01/2017 11:16

Hold on serowe72 I don't put my daughter first? Absolutely none of the decisions that have been made so far have effected the relationship between her and her dad they have been been between me and my ex which like I stated previously my ex also had a part in this because he said he couldn't be be friends with me if I was in a relationship with someone else because it was to hard for him! I have point blank refused to do what my partner is asking and nothing's changing with her and her dad! My daughter is a happy healthy little girl who lives in a house with her mum which is filled with love and do you know what I'm a damn good mum! So no she doesn't need to go live with her dad. I'm a young woman who after years of having my guard up fell in love not 5 months ago(that's when he met my daughter) a year ago and have now been put in a situation I don't want to be. This to you might just be a comment on the internet but it's my life

OP posts:

Original poster

Buttonsxx · 06/01/2017 11:18

And thank you so much to everyone else for thr comments and advice

OP posts:

Frankelly66 · 06/01/2017 11:22

The ex sounds like a very good devoted dad (not husband mind), don't cut him out anymore!

its not easy being step parent but there are certain things you just got to bite your tongue and take!

whattheactualflump · 06/01/2017 11:33

He is controlling which is a form of abuse. He has:

stopped you spending time with the father of your child (which if that was entirely your choice then fair enough but it is not his decision to make)
stopped the father of your child coming into your house
stopped the father of your child phoning during the day to talk to his daughter
then stopped the father of your child phoning at all
wants to cut the father out and separate your lives
wants to become the dad, however the father of your child is the dad he should be able to do all of the above, in fact should do all of the above, how incredibly sad that you have let this man get into your head and agreed to his demands.

Your boyfriend sounds awful and by banning the phone calls (which are incredibly important to the relationship between your child and her dad) he IS affecting their relationship. It is none of his business and it is not fair on your daughter for you to put the wishes of some insecure 'man' above the importance of her relationship with her dad. I'm sure you are a great mum but it sounds like he is very bad news and not 'amazing' at all?

Original poster

Buttonsxx · 06/01/2017 11:37

I've stated a few times now I have not and will not be stopping the phonecalls between my daughter and her dad, I at no point even considerd this from the start that has been a point blank no I was asking if it was unreasonable that my partner was asking me to do this because he was making me feel like I was being the unreasonable one I wasn't asking if I should stop my daughter and her dad phoning each other that was never an option

OP posts:

AmazingBouncingFerret · 06/01/2017 11:38

I'm instantly wary of any man that immediately declares love for a new partners children from a previous relationship.
Not for any 'ahh peedo round every corner!' reason but because it just can't be real can it? Children are annoying so my guard would be straight up.

OP, if you are able to have communication between yourself and your ex without screaming and sniping at each other then grab it with both hands, don't let your boyfriend tell you otherwise. What you had before he started waving his dick about and barking orders was lovely and your daughter must have enjoyed her family time together.
I say ditch the dick or at the very least stop bending over backwards to please him.

DistanceCall · 06/01/2017 11:54

I've stated a few times now I have not and will not be stopping the phonecalls between my daughter and her dad

No, but you have stopped talking to your ex and you have stopped your ex coming to your home. Because your partner asked you to.

Can't you see how controlling he is? And - do you really think your daughter hasn't noticed that things are changing?

ElspethFlashman · 06/01/2017 11:55

I at no point even considerd this from the start that has been a point blank no

Then why has he been arguing with you over it for days?

Dakota1 · 06/01/2017 11:58

He is being totally jealous for some reason. If he is not able to understand the situation and accept it, then there is a problem with him, not you.

DistanceCall · 06/01/2017 11:59

Perhaps this will get through to you, OP. Imagine that your ex gets a girlfriend. And the girlfriend decrees that your ex is not to communicate with you at all, and when your daughter goes to spend time with them over the holidays or whenever, you cannot call your daughter. Does it sound normal to you?

Bizzysocks · 06/01/2017 12:12

I would have stopped the tips out together but that's it. It seems you and ex got on well before dp came along, I wouldn't have stopped him calling at anytime, or coming to the house or not speaking to him yourself on the phone.

I know you want to keep everyone happy so have so far done what dp has asked but I do think it would be best for your dd to see her parents getting along. I know she is young but soon enough she will be able to play you off against each other if you not communicate. And how will you co parent effectively if you can't talk to him. Although your dp may allow you the odd call to ex if it is a big issue like school or illness, but what about the little daily things that will make life better for her, like this week she will tantrum if you cut up her banana, she nolonger likes bubbles in her bath, she has been asking if you can the her to the park next time you see her. I understand if you and ex didn't get along this communication wouldn't happen but you do, it is a shame your dp is risking this.

AndTheBandPlayedOn · 06/01/2017 12:12

he was making me feel like...
You are in control of your feelings-do not let this go-he wants to take ownership of your feelings away from you. This is emotional abuse.

He wants to shame you-make you feel ashamed for how he is feeling regarding the dynamic with your ex. His feelings are his circus and his monkeys. If he can not (be an adult) be flexible and adapt to your circumstances then he needs to shove off. Yes, your circumstance with your dd trumps his circumstance. Imho, this is what is bothering him (has he thrown out the line that you are emasculating him yet?) If he can not accept it and adapt accordingly, then off he goes.

Yes, he is being very unreasonable. Yes, you are absolutely right to say no to him. His not taking no for an answer is his character showing who he is- dd or not, that's enough right there to dump him.

You have invested a year. That is enough. He is letting his mask slip. You do not need to know anymore.
I agree that it will only get worse.

CockacidalManiac · 06/01/2017 12:15

Your new bloke is a muppet.
There's more red flags here than Battleship Potemkin.

DistanceCall · 06/01/2017 12:18

Oh, and you need to keep talking to your ex. You share a daughter, and he is a good father. You will have to co-parent her until she is a grownup.

That idiot you are with is trying to replace your ex and become your daughter's father. And it sounds like you are allowing it already. Because every time you accept any of his requests - as you already have - you are giving in. It's completely unacceptable.

nauticant · 06/01/2017 12:37

He sounds just awful. Nice on the surface but chip, chip, chip away at what had been fine for ages.

If you're going to stay in this relationship for the moment one huge favour you can do yourself is to have effective contraception in place.

SandyY2K · 06/01/2017 13:21

Have I misunderstood something?

I thought this meant phonecalls had reduced between your DD and her dad.

my child's dad would sometimes phone during the day to talk to them which my partner said he wasn't happy about so I agreed just a phone call at night

Can you clarify?

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