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Relationships

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Original poster

Partner making unreasonable requests?

147 replies

Buttonsxx · 05/01/2017 11:13

I have a 4 year old child and split up with thr dad about 3 years ago but we always got on well he phoned and spoke to them every night before bed, we would go on a day out the 3 of us regularly and help each other out when we could. I ended the relationship due to cheating and other issues and I was aware my child's dad still had feelings for me but made it completely clear nothing would ever happen between us again but we had been together 8 years and I wanted us to try and still be friends for our child's sake despite everything so fast forward to one year ago I met my partner and he was completely aware of the situation and he's such an amazing man and can't do enough for me he met my child about 5 months ago and he has been so incredible with them and has made it clear it will be the 3 of us as a family and he will treat themlike his own but obviously understands thr dad is still involved, they stay over at thr dads once/twice a week (this only started about 3 months ago previous to this he would just take her for a few hours not overnight) but my partner made it clear he didn't feel comfortable me my ex and our child going out together ect which I completely understand so stopped that straight away, he said he wasn't comfortable me and him talking on the phone so I have stopped that(just say hi and put him straight in to our little one) and also didn't want my child's dad coming in my house which again I agreed to, my child's dad would sometimes phone during the day to talk to them which my partner said he wasn't happy about so I agreed just a phone call at night but now he's said he doesn't want my child's dad phoning at all he should just text me the days he's taking her(he tells me a week in advance) and that's it, thrs no need for him to phone in between the days he has them it's weird and invasive and he thinks we should have totally seperate life's with my child I just can't agree to that I think he's being totally unreasonable at the end of the day my child's dad is still thr dad and he loves them and they love him and I want them to have a good relationship, It would cut him to the bone (and start world war 3) if I stopped him phoning my partner said it would be less confusing for my child and better for them because they can sometimes be a bit funny for the first few hours when they come back from thr dads but I disagree I think it would be confusing for them when it's been thr routine for 3 years to speak on the phone to thr dad. I'm justlooking for opinions or advice really I love my partner so much but I just don't agree with what he's asking me to do

OP posts:

Rarity75 · 05/01/2017 11:48

You say you 'agreed' to change contact due to your ex expressing his feelings. Not that you decided to change it after he declared he still loves you.
So your new partner asked you to change things after you told him how your ex felt?

Jaysis · 05/01/2017 11:48

Waaay too soon, waaay too many red flags here. He sounds jealous and controlling and this is NOT good for you and your DD.

What happens when if gets his way with your ex out of your lives? What goalposts will he decide to move next. Relatives he dislikes so wants you to go no contact with? Blokes at work? Checking your phone to see if you've been messaging anyone?

Run now. Run fast.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/01/2017 11:48

Good grief.
This new guy is covered head to toe in red flags.
He'd be gone and out of my house and life.
No-one would be telling me how to co-parent our children.
Seriously.
He's a controlling piece of work he really is.
Please see the signs and take action.
You were doing just fine before he came along and started changing the status quo.
OK... I sort of understand about the going out together for happy family days. That wouldn't sit right with me either.
But the phone calls etc....??? No feckin way in hell would he be telling me what to do.

I think maybe a little chat with Womens Aid would help you here.
0808 2000 247 - just run it past them and also sign up to do their Freedom Programme.

This kind of behaviour and controlling shit would have most women running a mile!
Find out why you aren't doing that!

tribpot · 05/01/2017 11:49

me and my partner have been arguing for days over this

Why doesn't he accept that, as the parent, you have the final say over this?

ElspethFlashman · 05/01/2017 11:49

You realise this isn't normal?

Please tell us you are not living with this man, nor do you have any plans to.

He has set out from early on to fuck up your child's relationship with her Dad.

Don't let it happen. Don't let him get into your head. You know best. He knows NOTHING.

terrythetrex · 05/01/2017 11:50

definitely don't change the phone call, your new partner has no right to ask that contact between your child and her dad stop except on certain days, it's frankly non of his business. He is coming across controlling to be honest. He has no right to argue with you for days about what is non of his concern, it is between you, your ex and the child. It does not impact on your partner at all.

ElspethFlashman · 05/01/2017 11:51

And yes, why are you "arguing for days over this"?

YOU are the parent. What you say goes. No arguing with a NON PARENT over your contact arrangements.

End the arguing. Refuse to speak of it any more.

ITS NONE OF HIS BUSINESS!!!!

Cricrichan · 05/01/2017 11:53

I wouldn't want a relationship with someone like that. It's very controlling and unreasonable. You're allowed to have friends and if you and your ex get on well then it's in everybody's best interest to continue like that. If he can't deal with that then he should find someone who isn't friends with their ex or if she has children , that it's acrimonious.

TaliZorahVasNormandy · 05/01/2017 11:54

Oh and my ex treated me appallingly towards the end of our relationship, but that has no bearing on DD's relationship with him and I keep things friendly for her because I want her to know that we can be adults about it, if it's for her wellbeing.

Cricrichan · 05/01/2017 11:55

And also, I'd imagine that you're going to get paranoid about mentioning your children's dad or when your children talk about him etc in case it pisses mr paranoid off. Doesn't make for a good relationship.

Jaxhog · 05/01/2017 11:56

The way this is headed is not good for you or your children.

Your new BF has to accept that he can't just breeze in and ask you to change a set-up that has worked for you for years. Your DD isn't his daughter, not will she ever be his daughter (unless he were to adopt her - a rather unlikely scenario in the short term). If he can't accept that this is the best for your DD, then I'd question whether you want him around tbh.

As a request (not a demand), it might be a little understandable if you'd been together for 4 or 5 years and were planning to get married i.e. making a long term commitment. But after a year? No way!

NeeNahh · 05/01/2017 11:57

I've been with my boyfriend for more than 2 years and I would not dream of dictating contact agreements. And banning a child from speaking to its parent on the phone is unspeakably cruel.

Tenshidarkangel · 05/01/2017 11:58

I you do all of this the only person ho is going to suffer is your DD.
Absent fathers are an all to common occurrence and your ex is really trying to co-parent.
Your partner should have no say in how you co-parent your child. That is between you and your ex.

Tenshidarkangel · 05/01/2017 11:59

Oh dear lord.
**If you do all of this the only person who is going to suffer is your DD.
Absent fathers are an all to common occurrence and your ex is really trying to co-parent.
Your partner should have no say in how you co-parent your child. That is between you and your ex.

Sorry!

TributeFromDistrictTwelve · 05/01/2017 11:59

It's horrible to see someone in this kind of trap and hopefully you can get out of it fast, but that's easier said than done when it's a controlling person who won't go away

You're obviously unhappy and no doubt it's not nice for your child either. Am sure you're a strong person who has the courage to deal with this, good luck

Skang · 05/01/2017 12:00

It wouldn't be reasonable if they were together for years at all. This is the father of their child. It's best for their child for them to all stay friends. It's best for their child for their parents to discuss parenting their child amongst themselves. As her ex is completely unabusive there are no circumstances where it would be reasonable to ask her to stop speaking to him to any vague degree.

Mummyoflittledragon · 05/01/2017 12:01

You've been arguing for days. Did you just roll over for the other requests? This man is seriously controlling. On the surface, he may be a really nice man. That is a nice man as long as he's getting his own way.. He doesn't have your child's best interest at heart. After such a short period of time, he really should have very little say in your life. You've moved far too quickly on this relationship and conceded things affecting your child you never should have done. I think it's time to get rid of him myself.

Buggeritimgettingup · 05/01/2017 12:04

One big fat red flag walking. Please get out now. He is controlling you. Your child is being used by him to control your actions.

Cricrichan · 05/01/2017 12:05

My ex had a daughter with his ex wife and I never minded if he stayed for a coffee and a chat when he dropped her off etc.

Goldmandra · 05/01/2017 12:07

You need to stop feeling like you need to defend your partner and go back and read your original post. You have made numerous changes because your partner doesn't feel comfortable with how you did things.

Any man who suggests that you can't be trusted to be around other men is controlling and the relationship has the potential to become abusive.

You are right to tell him that you will not be making any more changes to your children's phone contact with their father. If he starts to make a fuss, suggests that you aren't committed to your relationship with him or that the children's wishes shouldn't come first, you need to think very carefully about his expectations of you.

Some people can be very good at making unreasonable requests and then being so dreadfully upset when you challenge them that you feel guilty and avoid standing up to them for fear of upsetting them again.

You know which relationship you are committed to and you need him to trust you to do the right thing. It is not his job or his right to stop you having contact with people because they might have feelings for you.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/01/2017 12:10

That is a nice man as long as he's getting his own way.

Exactly.

Controlling abusive men are always nice, until you start saying no.......

Get rid, for your child and yourself, please.

dowhatnow · 05/01/2017 12:12

Ok to stopping the days out but your child should see you having conversations with her Dad. It's in their interests to see you getting on amicably and that means witnessing you talking to each other via the phone or in person.

And agree that you shouldn't be arguing over this. You say no and then close the conversation down. If he continues then you tell him it's non negotiable and if he can't cope with that then he is free to leave.

Hellofromtheotherside16 · 05/01/2017 12:13

Does this new man live with you? He seems to know everything about the contact with your ex. Why is that?

Anyway It is none of his business! Don't argue with him, just repeat over and over, it's nothing to do with you.

Even better, get rid. He sounds horrible.

I had a one year relationship with someone who gradually became more jealous and possessive to the extent that I could barely move in the end without him keeping an eye on me. When we split he was adamant I dumped him because of my exh (not remotely true.) I think it takes about a year to know someone properly and this man of yours is showing his true colours.

pipsqueak25 · 05/01/2017 12:15

am very concerned about your np behaviour, warning bells are ringing in my head and perhaps yours deep down but then you must listen to what people are saying on here, this guy has been on the scene a few months and already calling the shots, that is never good whether you have dc or not from a previous relationship. please not not even consider having a dc with this man until you get things sorted out.

user1471470316 · 05/01/2017 12:17

OP - you have told this man that his demands are not in the best interest of your child.

Your posts make it clear that you know this is unreasonable.

And on that basis, as his mum, you need to put a stop to it immediately.

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