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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Partner making unreasonable requests?

147 replies

Buttonsxx · 05/01/2017 11:13

I have a 4 year old child and split up with thr dad about 3 years ago but we always got on well he phoned and spoke to them every night before bed, we would go on a day out the 3 of us regularly and help each other out when we could. I ended the relationship due to cheating and other issues and I was aware my child's dad still had feelings for me but made it completely clear nothing would ever happen between us again but we had been together 8 years and I wanted us to try and still be friends for our child's sake despite everything so fast forward to one year ago I met my partner and he was completely aware of the situation and he's such an amazing man and can't do enough for me he met my child about 5 months ago and he has been so incredible with them and has made it clear it will be the 3 of us as a family and he will treat themlike his own but obviously understands thr dad is still involved, they stay over at thr dads once/twice a week (this only started about 3 months ago previous to this he would just take her for a few hours not overnight) but my partner made it clear he didn't feel comfortable me my ex and our child going out together ect which I completely understand so stopped that straight away, he said he wasn't comfortable me and him talking on the phone so I have stopped that(just say hi and put him straight in to our little one) and also didn't want my child's dad coming in my house which again I agreed to, my child's dad would sometimes phone during the day to talk to them which my partner said he wasn't happy about so I agreed just a phone call at night but now he's said he doesn't want my child's dad phoning at all he should just text me the days he's taking her(he tells me a week in advance) and that's it, thrs no need for him to phone in between the days he has them it's weird and invasive and he thinks we should have totally seperate life's with my child I just can't agree to that I think he's being totally unreasonable at the end of the day my child's dad is still thr dad and he loves them and they love him and I want them to have a good relationship, It would cut him to the bone (and start world war 3) if I stopped him phoning my partner said it would be less confusing for my child and better for them because they can sometimes be a bit funny for the first few hours when they come back from thr dads but I disagree I think it would be confusing for them when it's been thr routine for 3 years to speak on the phone to thr dad. I'm justlooking for opinions or advice really I love my partner so much but I just don't agree with what he's asking me to do

OP posts:
Skang · 05/01/2017 13:00

I would worry about his reaction to showing him this. Does he have a temper? How is he likely to react to you discussing him with strangers?

I would bet at the least he bans/tries to ban you from using mumsnet.

tipsytrifle · 05/01/2017 13:02

If you show your boyfriend this thread you'll be throwing away a safe place to seek opinion or even comfort. You'll also never hear the end of it. Though hopefully you're beginning to see that only a year in, this bf is very bad news and it would be better to show him the door rather than the thread. He has made no requests, btw - only demands. He is abusive, possessive and this is just the warm-up phase.

Rarity75 · 05/01/2017 13:03

Oh buttons, what is there to argue about? You are her mum, you know what's best and a healthy relationship with her dad is best.

Your np can't play happy families where he is number one when your ex is still on the scene.

He gets to decide when you are going to talk about it because he's 'exhausted by it'?

He is controlling you. Watch out for him being super needy or ultra nice because you aren't towing the line. Please consider your future carefully I don't like the sound of him at all.

Have you moved him in?

ACD123 · 05/01/2017 13:07

Just end it with him. There are plenty more less controlling fish in the sea. He is not an amazing man. You are being blinded. Once he has this it wouldn't surprise me if he started to make your child pushed out too. Do not allow this to happen. It is pretty unanimous on here what you need to do. Don't think you know best and everyone else is wrong. It's as clear as day but you can't see it currently as you are all loved up. Don't let it happen.

EverythingEverywhere1234 · 05/01/2017 13:07

He sounds fucking awful. You'd be very foolish to stay with a man who is showing himself to be so very controlling in such early stages of your relationship. I would walk away if I were you, before our lives became more entangled and before he does any irreparable damage to your family. Your friendship with your ex is good to see, it's much harder on the child in the situation to have parents who do not communicate.
Tbh I don't see what is to be gained by showing him this thread. He won't learn anything from it, he's just showing you who he is. Which is a very controlling man. He'll wear you down and wear you down until you don't know what's right and what's wrong because that's what controlling men do. He's already started this by making you feel like you can't even argue with him and that you felt you even needed to ask if his behaviour is unreasonable when it clearly is controlling. My ex was an incredibly controlling man and it destroys your sense of self-worth and your sense of right and wrong. Don't let that be you.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 05/01/2017 13:10

Some DPs are so egotistical they can't handle an ex treating their partner or child(ren) well.

magoria · 05/01/2017 13:10

Put your DC first rather than your BF.

Stop allowing a person who has only known her for 5 months to dictate how and when she interacts with her dad.

LouiseBrooks · 05/01/2017 13:18

Control freak. I think you should ditch him.

You and your ex have done brilliantly with the way you handle things, keep it up.

Aspiringcatlady · 05/01/2017 13:19

If things were fine with you, your child and your ex partner before your new partner got on the scene then why have they been changed? Yes you have said that your ex partner still has feelings for you, but he treated you badly and you have moved on from that. If your ex still has feelings for you then that's his problem. But why does your child's life get turned upside down because your new partner doesn't like it? He should not be having any say in this situation! And if he doesn't like it then show him the door. Child comes first.

SandyY2K · 05/01/2017 13:23

Anyone who gets into a relationship with someone who has children, must know they will always communicate with each other and it's in the child's best interest for you to be amicable.

Your new man wants your Ex out of the picture and is way too controlling. Stand your ground and stop giving in to him, or get shut of him.

Goldmandra · 05/01/2017 13:26

Don't show him this thread.

He shouldn't back down because a group of strangers think he is being unreasonable.

He should respect your opinion enough to accept it.

If he doesn't respect your opinion, doesn't trust you to behave appropriately around other men and doesn't support your child's right to contact with her father, you need to ask yourself whether he really is as wonderful as you think and why you are still in the relationship.

user1471470316 · 05/01/2017 13:40

Do you think I should show him this?

NO!

Because that suggest that you need to change his mind!

Why are you even entering the debate with him?

Tell him that you are not changing contact between father and child and will not enter into any further discussion on the matter.

My bet is that he won't leave it there... and if that doesn't tell you all you need to know about how controlling this man is, then nothing will.

Cricrichan · 05/01/2017 13:47

No don't show him. It may make him pretend for a while until he has you in his grasp again. Or it'll anger him.

Just tell him clearly that your DD will continue having the same contact with her dad and that you're amicable and if he has a problem then you shouldn't be together. See how he responds and watch out for other controlling behaviour. Mine was a bit like that and over the years, slowly but surely more and more controlling and paranoid.

PyongyangKipperbang · 05/01/2017 13:59

Do you think I should show him this?

Sure, if you want to hand him a stick to beat you with.....

I know you love him, but do you love him more than you love your DD? Isnt she worth more than him?

I know you dont want to hear this but it will only get worse with him. Soon you will be cut off from friends who he doesnt like/he thinks are a bad influence/arent good enough for you........ and then with family because they disrespected him/you.....there will be perfectly good sounding reasons for it all until you realise that all you have is him and he aint the worlds nicest man anymore. Its how abusers work. The isoloate you from everyone who could help you escape from them and he has identified your ex as currently the biggest risk so is getting rid of him first but everyone else will soon follow, have no doubt about that.

Megatherium · 05/01/2017 14:29

I just can't argue about it anymore I'm exhausted

So don't. Tell him it's just not up for discussion, you have made your decision and that's it. When he inevitably comes up with the threat to leave, tell him that's fine with you, because you cannot be with someone who will not agree to you putting your children first.

SandyY2K · 05/01/2017 15:10

my child's dad would sometimes phone during the day to talk to them which my partner said he wasn't happy about

So he has a problem with your DDs father calling her during the day!

so I agreed just a phone call at night

Why did you agree to this? He's a jealous bully.

but now he's said he doesn't want my child's dad phoning at all

He shouldn't get to dictate.

he should just text me the days he's taking her(he tells me a week in advance) and that's it, thrs no need for him to phone in between the days he has them it's weird and invasive and he thinks we should have totally seperate life's with my child I just can't agree to that I think he's being totally unreasonable at the end of the day my child's dad is still thr dad and he loves them and they love him and I want them to have a good relationship, It would cut him to the bone (and start world war 3)

if I stopped him phoning my partner said it would be less confusing for my child and better for them

Does your boyfriend have kids of his own?
He hasnt got your child's interestat heart at all. Is he a child psychologist? What tells him contact with their dad by phone calls is confusing .... it's really all your child has known. So how is it confusing?

because they can sometimes be a bit funny for the first few hours when they come back from thr dads

Nonsense.

I just don't agree with what he's asking me to do

Then don't do it. He's not worth it.

hellsbellsmelons · 05/01/2017 15:48

No do not show him this thread!
He will just turn it around on you.
Just get him gone.
He is not good for you or your DD or your amicable relationship with your Ex or your DD relationship with her own father!!!
Seriously!
We are all telling you here.
This man is bad bad news!

Womens Aid - Freedom Programme - do it fast!!!!

DistanceCall · 05/01/2017 16:00

Your child is entitled to a good relationship with his Dad (who seems to be a good one).

Your partner is being a controlling cunt. Nip it in the bud straight away. And yes, you can speak to your exp as much as your like. He's the father of your child, and he'll always be in your life.

Chops2016 · 05/01/2017 16:35

I agree with PP do not show him this thread. If you did I would not be at all surprised if he started trying to police your Internet use as well; "I'm not comfortable with you discussing relationship issues with strangers". As well as snooping on your browser history/emails/social media/phone etc..

He has form for being controlling so don't open that can of worms.

FatalKittehCharms · 05/01/2017 20:27

my partner made it clear he didn't feel comfortable me my ex and our child going out together so I have stopped that

he said he wasn't comfortable me and him talking on the phone so I have stopped that

he didn't want my child's dad coming in my house which again I agreed to

my child's dad would sometimes phone during the day to talk to them, my partner said he wasn't happy about so I agreed

he doesn't want my child's dad phoning at all he should just text me

he thinks we should have totally seperate life's with my child

It's just one thing after another, isn't it? He'll come up with more hoops for to jump through.

CouldntMakeThisShitUp · 06/01/2017 02:28

For the love of god op - could you please use more commas or full stops? Grin
I know i sound pedantic but it gives me this instant irrational rage and i can't concentrate on anything else Blush

PyongyangKipperbang · 06/01/2017 02:40

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Scooby20 · 06/01/2017 07:04

He is controlling you. The demands will never stop.

At this early stage you shoukd be exhausted through arguing. Get rid of him.

Kr1stina · 06/01/2017 07:50

Don t argue with him anymore

Dump him.

Hissy · 06/01/2017 07:55

Bin him. TODAY

Before you have time to think any more about it.

You are sleepwalking - no, sleep sprinting, into an abusive relationship

This bloke IS bad news. You're in danger, as is your family.

Get him out of your lives today!

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