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Relationships

Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Overweight partner...he obviously doesn't care?

297 replies

Sarahisthename · 04/01/2017 20:09

My DH is overweight, BMI 30 or more . He knows I want him to lose weight. Occasionally he tries ... Maybe eats less for s couple of days ... Goes to the gym a couple of days. But really no real effort. Excuses sometimes such as stressful work , but usually just says yeah I will but doesn't. He knows how I feel. He could if he wanted but chooses not to. This is the only thing I ask of him. He does work hard (as do I). We have children, he's hands on, but I feel it's such a bad example to set them.
He likes me to make the effort to please him in the way I look (clothes /make up etc) when I make comparisons he says it's easy for me to wear something- much harder to lose weight . I feel so bitter sometimes .

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 06/01/2017 18:21

And those same blouses the arms on them swamp me and the yards of extra material around my back is ridiculous. The clothes from Pepperberry are made for women with bigger boobs but i cant afford their prices.

crazydoglady6867 · 06/01/2017 18:29

Helena, well done that is a wonderful achievement, not sure what your trying to say. This thread is relating to a lady who wants her husband to lose weight and seems to have gone off at a tangent somewhat.

HelenaDove · 06/01/2017 18:35

Sorry I may have been projecting somewhat.

Leviticus · 06/01/2017 19:12

The comments on these threads always astound me. A complete denial by so many posters that physical attraction between sexual partners is important.

There was a thread a while back where the OP said she was size 20 and wanted to start online dating. She asked if we thought many men would be put off by her size. People fell over themselves to tell her that they would all find her gorgeous and that any who thought she was overweight were terrible people who weren't worth the shit on her shoe. Kind? Yes. True or realistic? No. How does that help her?

I don't believe anyone who says their attraction towards their other half is purely based on who they are inside. Bullshit!

YANBU OP. I have no idea what you can do though.

Joysmum · 06/01/2017 19:55

I don't believe anyone who says their attraction towards their other half is purely based on who they are inside. Bullshit!

In which case those of us fat, old, disfigured and disabled since we got with our partners would not attract our partners anymore. Bullshit because so many couples are attracted by who we are, rather than how we look.

Leviticus · 06/01/2017 20:02

I'm not saying it affects your love for one another. But we're talking about physical attraction.

Leviticus · 06/01/2017 20:04

And I'd say that's it's as well as who you are.

I don't think it's ideal or always 'nice' but I think it's true.

HelenaDove · 06/01/2017 20:33

So if a man is attracted to a larger woman and his wife loses a lot of weight her appearance will have changed since they married. If he asks her to put the weight back on again then she should going by that principle.

Joysmum · 06/01/2017 20:59

Helena

gamerchick · 06/01/2017 21:04

I know a dude like that, prefers his wife overweight, doesn't like skinny wimmin. Doesn't look at her the same way anymore since she lost it but still loves her.

He can't help the way he feels but it's still shallow... although people might give him a slap quicker if he started feeding her up than the other way around.

Leviticus · 06/01/2017 21:14

Helena I'm not saying anyone should do anything (if that question is for me). But in those circumstances it would probably be a fact that that man might fancy his wife less as he'd find her less attractive. Could he help that?

My point is that physical attraction is what it is, not something we can choose as a result of being a nice or kind person.

Original poster

Sarahisthename · 06/01/2017 22:01

All of these posts are really interesting reading thank you all.

Crazy dog - just before you posted about showing him the thread I had thought about doing exactly that ... But decided against as I've been very negative... And spoken about our love life - but I didn't think it was a bad idea at all. Also I would not want you or anyone else to be upset reading this .... The weight is not just about physical appearance- a lot is what it represents ( in my mind) . And if he was overweight by a couple of stone I wouldn't be bothered so much.
There are other issues which play a part but I can honestly say on my kids lives the times I am happiest with him( when it's us as a couple) are the times he laughs at something funny I tell him....it's not all about sex /
Appearance I absolutely love it when he's really happy

OP posts:

Original poster

Sarahisthename · 06/01/2017 22:03

Crazy dog lady - Good luck with your plans but I think you won't need it. You sound lovely so I suspect your partner knows he's lucky to have you

OP posts:

allowlsthinkalot · 06/01/2017 22:55

Leviticus, why do you assume everyone shares your perspective? I can assure you that my attraction to someone is based on who they are. Obviously people are different.

2rebecca · 06/01/2017 23:13

For a friend who they are is important but for a lover how they look and finding them sexy is also important. Also how you look can be a reflection of who you are and what you value. I want a partner who values looking after their body and who wants to look good for me. I don't want someone who values having an extra portion of chips above everything else. Food shouldn't be that important. I like men with hobbies and passions. Enjoying eating and lounging about is a who you are thing as well as a how you look thing.

Original poster

Sarahisthename · 06/01/2017 23:14

Very true Rebecca

OP posts:

HelenaDove · 06/01/2017 23:28

But 2rebecca you cant always be what your partner may prefer which is what my above comment refers to (it was a general comment by the way not about me and DH) and gamerchick has said on here where she knows of a situation in RL where this is the case......that the partner prefers them bigger.

How far should the partner pleasing go?

Formerpigwrestler9 · 07/01/2017 00:21

How far should the partner pleasing go
if there's a big gap between what one person wants and what the other wants then perhaps the two are just not compatible enough to have a mutually beneficial partnership?

ThirdThoughts · 07/01/2017 01:28

The problem with dieting/lifestyle changes is that they are hard to maintain and can be counter productive and lead to long term gain. Its hard enough for people who are self motivated, and I reckon near impossible for those shamed and nagged into it. So even if the OP feels justified in being critical of his weight, its maybe not going to have the effect she intends.

I don't think this can come from you, it has to come from him and it may never happen.Do what you need to do to be happy.

Both DH and I are heavier and both of us have lost weight recently. I have a long way to go though. Its easier now we both are on the same page, compared to points in the past where I've been trying to lose weight and he was still bringing foods I was trying to avoid home. There are thing you cando to support him by making the environment at home less calorie rich and days out more active but as you say, he has to want to change the food he buys himself too.

It is hard. I appreciate not everyone is an emotional eater and that it can just be not changing eating habits as activity levels drop because of habit. Or unconsciously overeating by a small number of calories which adds up over years. But lots of people do have emotional problems with food where it is used not just when sad, but also when happy or bored, which needs to be addressed otherwise it creeps back in slowly once your life isn't focused on it again (and there is a limit to how long it can stay a top priority, life gets in the way).

firewalkeruk · 07/01/2017 01:45

OP I'm a man in his early fifties who is morbidly obese. I know I have a problem. My DW and DS's have all expressed concerns to me and told me my grandchildren have told them they are scared of losing me.
I have health issues but would dearly love to lose weight. Like your DH I can diet for 3 or 4 days but then hit a wall. Food can be as much of an addiction as cigs or drink but unlike those you can't go cold turkey on food, no pun intended.
I am not trying to make excuses, I want to be at my grandchildrens weddings but fear a massive heart attack or stroke.
I think that the issue is that the reward of losing weight can take a long time and you battle putting weight back on some weeks instead of losing it.
It isn't that your DH doesn't love you but that this is maybe too much of a challenge for him. Try little steps 5 lbs of and if he can maintain that for a month then maybe go for another 5. Set realistic achievements and maybe he can start to win back some pride, that's what I am going to try to do this year.
Good luck.

HorridHenryrule · 07/01/2017 02:34

Me and my partner goes on eating plans together and we exercise not at the same time because of kids. We are very good at motivating each other and we work well as a team. When one person is nagging at you and not working with you it becomes isolating. If he's on a diet you be on a diet if he's exercising then you exercise. He might not want to do it on his own. If you haven't got it in you to be a team player and work with him. He probably gave up because he's the only one on the diet. If you do the grocery shopping then you can change it especially if you are on the diet with him. You're making excuses as well "Impossible to only have healthy food in the house" why is it my fridge and freezer is full of healthy food and I cook from scratch. You have no control on what happens outside but you do have control on what food goes into your fridge and cupboards. In my house the kids get snacks weekends and Fridays or Saturdays we eat junk food for dinner. Its not your fault and its not his fault you both don't work well as a team.

HelenaDove · 07/01/2017 02:42

HH In my home im the only one on the plan. DH has Wagon Wheels in the flat cakes, chocolate etc etc and i just refuse to eat them.

Im smelling a bit of sexism here because women are expected to look a certain way and resist temptations. (it doesnt bother me saying no to cake and sweets Im not bothered.) But when it comes to a man having to lose weight women have to micro manage it? Nah Sorry Not buying it.

HorridHenryrule · 07/01/2017 02:42

My post sounds very gloomy you can help him and its not to late you have to do it with him so he feels supported. Good luck Op.

HelenaDove · 07/01/2017 02:49

firewalker My second weight loss was much slower than the first. Slow and steady is the way to go If it comes off slowly it doesnt go back on as easily. Good luck

HorridHenryrule · 07/01/2017 02:51

Helena not everyone has your will power. Some people need support and gender should never come into it. I'll say it again he could die the way he is going.

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