Overweight partner...he obviously doesn't care?

[Sarahisthename]

My DH is overweight, BMI 30 or more . He knows I want him to lose weight. Occasionally he tries ... Maybe eats less for s couple of days ... Goes to the gym a couple of days. But really no real effort. Excuses sometimes such as stressful work , but usually just says yeah I will but doesn't. He knows how I feel. He could if he wanted but chooses not to. This is the only thing I ask of him. He does work hard (as do I). We have children, he's hands on, but I feel it's such a bad example to set them.
He likes me to make the effort to please him in the way I look (clothes /make up etc) when I make comparisons he says it's easy for me to wear something- much harder to lose weight . I feel so bitter sometimes .

By the way, it's possible to have a BMI of 30 and be perfectly healthy. I'm a guy with a BMI of about that, and I'm certainly not obese. Carrying a little bit extra, sure, but not obese or noticeably "fat". I'm 6'0", naturally heavily muscled, naturally enormous frame (shoulders, barrel chest) and when I was 14 years old and a county sprinter I weighed nearly 15.5 stone. There wasn't an ounce of fat on me at that point.

The lesson from this is that BMI is utter bollocks. Everyone's different. On paper I shouldn't be able to walk round the block without wheezing my last; actually I cycle 20 miles to work and back every day and I can lift any adult you care to mention of his or her feet and onto my shoulders without even really noticing the weight. I could be in more Jackmanesque shape and wouldn't mind shedding a love handle or two, but there's no belly and my chin is firmly in the singular.

However, I have been fat. Not Johnny Vegas fat, but fat enough to feel really unattractive. But even at my biggest, my weight and BMI on paper would've suggested the fucking Hindenburg, a real monster Channel 4 documentary of a person. I was chubby, but nowhere near as WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT?! as the numbers might suggest.

However, my marriage did end because of weight. I stopped finding my ex attractive not because she was fat but because she was ashamed of her body, no matter what I said and did to the contrary. But as much as she claimed to hate being overweight, she wouldn't sort out her diet or exercise, and wouldn't listen to expert advice. And then she'd complain that she was so gross and felt so unsexy, and when you have literally years of someone telling you that they're horrible and unattractive but not doing anything to change the situation, it's pretty hard to keep up with the pep talks. Eventually I did stop finding her attractive, but much more at the mental and emotional level than the physical. And that was that. We disconnected because she didn't want sex because it made her shy, but she wouldn't or couldn't address the cause of the shyness, and so over time we just fell apart.

Physical attractiveness - however you define that - is important: your partner does actually need to fancy you. And if you're with someone who's a genuine saint and doesn't care what you look like and would jump your bones even if you looked like the bloke who lives under the Chiswick flyover and shouts at the cars, then lucky you. But most of us, men and women alike, aren't like that. If our partners change physically to the point where they're not remotely like the person we originally wanted to shag, I don't think it makes you an awful person if you stop fancying them.

Sorry. Essay.

Great post Fulber

Maybe he hasn't found the right method yet. Why not ask him to watch a couple of documentaries on Youtube with Dr Michael Mosley, and see if that would be a doable alternative. The gym won't make much difference, it's great that he goes, but it won't do the trick!

By the way, it's possible to have a BMI of 30 and be perfectly healthy

possible, but not probable, most people with a high bmi have more adipose tissue than is good for their health, a few are heavily muscled.

The OP has mentioned that her husband has a large belly so we can be pretty sure he has excess intra abdominal fat.

BMI isnt bollocks, it's just a rough guide

Food isn't a legal addiction. It's something we all need to survive. Some people are just poor at controlling their appetites and overindulge.

waist to height ratio is regarded by many as a better 'quick & dirty' measure

For what it's worth, to shed my 3 stone (so just imagine my BMI before I did) I severely limited my calorie intake and did exercise: in my case walking and cycling. I also found weights to help, but I think that was as much a confidence thing as anything else.

At any rate, I didn't touch a gym (having failed utterly to be motivated by PTs, fad diets, the works. I did it all. I hate personal trainers: I'm so bloody mulish that as soon as they started trying to push me with their whole Mr Motivator shtick, I would just tell them I was going home now, thanks.)

Daily exercise and limited calories. It's just physics: energy in vs. energy out, and 99% of the people who say otherwise are selling something.

I recon he thinks he can rest on his laurels because the OP loves him more than vice versa, he thinks he has more power to please himself

Hi pigwrestler - the science is very much not settled on BMI and a UCLA study recently found precisely what I said: that millions of people classified obese or overweight were in fact "perfectly healthy".

www.nature.com/ijo/journal/v40/n5/abs/ijo201617a.html

It's the same as drugs we all know the consequences but people go there. If a person don't have control of their intake of food or consumption of alcohol then that is an addiction. That person will die if they over eat or drink to much. Rebecca if you don't see it as an addiction would you consider it to be an eating disorder?

Maybe, but that doesn't sound like the OP's DH does it? Big belly, breathless, bad diet, too much booze.

Sorry that was up fulleroo.

I am reading this thread with such interest, I have already started to make an effort with my own weight on the back of not wanting my DH to feel anything like the OP does. I am a size 12/14 I weigh 12 stone and have a BMI of 28 I don't need anyone to do my BMI or H/W ratio to know I am carrying too much weight. It is a very complex issue being overweight and cannot be fixed in a diet class or by a visit to a dietician, if it was that simple we would not have these people in business, they (diet classes) are all out to make money and unless a person has the mind to do it they will not succeed. Having someone nag at you will just make it worse. I have felt so sorry for the OP throughout this thread as she clearly loves her partner but is at a loss as to what to do. Alas, I don't think there is anything she can do but carry on loving him and wait for him to be enlightened, I did suggest letting him read this thread as that is what has made me cry first, then put a plan into place so my DH never has to feel like this poor lady. I still stand by letting him see this thread, if I am right he will move his arse and do something, if I am wrong, OP will be no worse off.

Oh for sure, BitOut - I wasn't saying it was at all. I was just doing a wee sidebar because BMI gets my goat a bit.

FWIW I don't think the OP is unreasonable for not fancying her DH when he's overweight. We can't control whether or not we want to shag someone, and sex is an essential part of a relationship.

I'm well aware that BMI is a rough guide fulberoo
it just tells you how much mass you have relative to your height, it doesnt tell you anything definitive about body composition

I dont think the cause of this blokes high BMI is at issue, it's not because he's a powerlifter, its because he is overfat

more power to you crazydoglady :)

I read somewhere fuller that people should eat according to their activity level. If you live a life where you are seated all day then you don't need to over load on food. Where as some one like Andy the British tennis player he would have to consume a lot more for his activity level.

I know what you mean fulleroo and your post was very interesting

That what was for fulberoo.

I read somewhere fuller that people should eat according to their activity level

surely thats just a no brainer, the more active you are the more fuel you use up
if you are functioning 'optimally' then your appetite will naturally increase or decrease according to physiological need.
Howere, the obesogenic culture and in particular ubiquitous highly palatable food leads many people to eat for pleasure/dopamine hits rather than out of physiological need

Formerpigwrestler it starts of like that people eat for pleasure. When someone puts on weight and they don't recognise the person looking back at them in the mirror. If they continue to eat the same way then that would be an eating disorder.

fulberroo i lost 10 stone but despite that it can still be hard to feel positive about yourself . Especially when a pp on this thread has commented about her exes belly overhang. I still have one despite the weight loss Peoples bodies dont magically alter because of weight loss.

People who are or have been overweight KNOW this We arent stupid but the diet industry treats us like we are. The BODY Coach The LEAN plan. Words used by Joe Wicks to sell his cookbooks.

Ppl who are very overweight can end up feeling demotivated because they know they will be left with loose skin. Ive actually had a couple of idiots in RL tell me that you can excersise off loose skin. My DH only mentioned my weight once in the late 90s. And he did it in a nice way because he was worried about my health. I lost 10 stone between 2002 and 2004. Regained 4 stone slowly between 2006 and 2013 (DH had a heart attack back in 2006 and was left with ischemic heart disease He also has COPD. So i had all this to cope with.

I went back to SW in Sept 2013 and it took me 3 and a half years to lose the 4 stone regain.

I now have a paranoid fear of weight gain to the point that i am happy to remain celibate I wont take hormonal contraception for fear of weight gain or any steroid type drugs IF i happen to get ill. (DH and i have not had a physical relationship since the 90s so it makes no difference me making this decision) Im also childfree by choice so have always had a fear of getting pregnant anyway.

A sex life is something im not planning to have again. And some of the superficiality on this thread just reinforces this view.

I suppose im a bit of a cautionary tale.

A woman who loses weight and has slogged her guts out to lose it might not want to risk losing what shes achieved. Especially when its taken so long.

Fast weight loss isnt the answer though. While i was losing the 10 stone initially, i lost 7 stone in 7 months and got gallstones.

Sent to soon. Food can make people very ill. That doesn't sound like pleasure to me.

I havent got loose skin hanging down to my knees or anything like that Its just an overhang on the belly.

I also have hereditary lipodema which affects the look of my legs . This affects what my weight says on the scales.

Ive gone from a 46G bra size to a 32HH

crazydog ive gone from a size 28 down to a size 14. As far as im concerned ppl who dont like it or think i need to lose more can go fuck themselves. (im talking generally)

Its taken me a long time to get here and ITS ENOUGH.

Im also an hourglass shape which affects the clothes sizes i take. I have a fitted size 12 skirt but if i wear a blouse it has to be an 18 due to the size of my boobs.

Dress sizes are not a great indicator.