Overweight partner...he obviously doesn't care?

[Sarahisthename]

My DH is overweight, BMI 30 or more . He knows I want him to lose weight. Occasionally he tries ... Maybe eats less for s couple of days ... Goes to the gym a couple of days. But really no real effort. Excuses sometimes such as stressful work , but usually just says yeah I will but doesn't. He knows how I feel. He could if he wanted but chooses not to. This is the only thing I ask of him. He does work hard (as do I). We have children, he's hands on, but I feel it's such a bad example to set them.
He likes me to make the effort to please him in the way I look (clothes /make up etc) when I make comparisons he says it's easy for me to wear something- much harder to lose weight . I feel so bitter sometimes .

Agreed HH I realise that. But im willing to bet there are many women on this very board who have had to do it on willpower in the face of temptation because the same isnt expected of men that is expected of women.

And i realize that a lot of people struggle If you could have seen me 17 years ago you would have said id never be able to do it.

I know a lot of ppl struggle Which is why ive tried (along with a fair few other posters) to point this out on the "workplace cake culture" thread in Chat.

I too felt it was insurmountable at the very start. But i saw the SW no in a mag and wondered how much weight i would lose if i tried it. I treated it as if i was a scientist doing an experiment. Thinking of it this way helped me.

There are certainly more female posters than males talking about weight. My partner grew up with sisters so I get the man and the woman out of him it drives me crazy sometimes. I get the opposite to what most women get from their husbands. I do think women are more under pressure to look a certain way and men tend to carry on as they are with no thought of how they look. I hope for the Op's sake that is not the case. Well done on losing the weight.

I just can't leave this thread alone! Horridhenry, maybe in your household YOU control what food goes in your fridge and what food is cooked, but in a lot of homes these days it is s 50/50 thing and the OP's husband may well do most of the shopping and a majority of the cooking for the family! As Helena says it has to be down to him, the person needing to lose weight cannot hide away from high calorie foods for ever. The OP is in no way to blame for this weight gain and should not be made to feel responsible for what an adult chooses to put in his mouth.

I am not skinny - couple of stone overweight, but health is important to me

So why are you a couple of stone overweight still if you are so active and health is important to you?

I've no idea to be honest. I try to be active and make good food choices, although I do have a glass of wine/ slice of cake from time to time. Health is more important to me than weight, not necessarily the same thing. Current BMI is about 28. To be in the normal range I need to lose 1.5 stone. I guess I think that a couple of stone would take me to the middle of the normal range.

Oh and when I say I run - I jog about 3miles twice a week. I cycle rather than drive when I have time - but only up to 10 miles in a go, usually less than that. I walk with the kids on the weekends- a couple of miles pokemon hunting. My sport is 1 hr once a week at the moment just for fun.
I am not claiming to be a super athlete or anything.

This thread resonates with me as I have been in a similar position to the OP. My former partner put on a large amount of weight during our relationship and it had a huge impact on us, our lives and our relationship. It fundamentally altered the way that I felt about him and people might criticise me for that but that is the truth.
OP - you have my sympathy because you are in a very difficult position. At the end, you will have a decision to make - the only advice I can offer is to take your time and be honest.

I'm genuinely open mouthed at some of these posts. My friend is about to leave her husband because of a similar issue. He thinks she should lose weight....she struggles with it.

She's not enormous. A size 16. She's going through the menopause and is almost 50!

She's finally sick of him blaming the problems in their marriage on her weight. So she's leaving him.

Please can we drop this fatlogic about BMI.. how can anyone seriously claim to be 217lbs at 6'0 and not have "an ounce of fat".

Usain bolt is 6'5 and weighs less than 15 stone, and is the greatest sprinter in history. 217lbs at 6'0 means you're either on some serious steroids (and therefore not healthy) or you're carrying a lot of fat. This guy is 6'1 and 182lbs (13 stone 0 lbs), and has 8% body fat:

Michael Matthews

A BMI over 25 is a good indication of carrying too much fat for the overwhelming majority of the population. In fact for women BMI is 5 times more likely to incorrectly good you a "healthy" BMI when you're carrying too much fat ("skinnyfat") than incorrectly indicate that you are overweight when you actually have a healthy level of body fat (in which case, you probably know enough about health, nutrition and body composition to not worry about your BMI in the first place):

BMI Outliers

Horrid Henry .... I find your opinion frankly depressing .... I have control over ' my cupboards '?!
Really
As I stated we both work. Both do stressful jobs but actually the nature of his work means he has more time at home.The idea that the cooking and shopping is my responsibility because I'm female is an attitude I hope my children never learn. Yes I could do all the cooking but how do you suggest preventing an adult with access to money and shops buying food?
It's ridiculous.
And no I won't go on a diet. I don't need to lose weight. And clearly for him 'diets ' don't work. What's needed is to have a more healthy overall diet, accept that it's ok to sometimes feel hungry ( if you know your waiting to have a meal - not talking about him or the kids going to bed hungry ) and doing some excercise so you do feel tired out.
But clearly a number of people see it's the woman's job to look after her man. Christ I hope my sons and daughters grow up realising that all adults have the responsibility to cook :clean / shop / work and look after their family. Not just mum.

And regarding exercising together as he might not want to do it on his own?
As I've already said we don't have lots of time as a couple. I suggest family activities but a walk is the most he'd do. I've suggested doing workout DVDs - I do these . He doesn't want to do these with me. He also has a gym membership .
I am well aware that he doesn't 'want' to do it...
I don't 'want' to do cleaning .... I don't ' want' to go to work... I don't 'want' to go for a run on a freezing cold day. As a grown up though you realise that you sometimes have to do things you don't want to do to achieve the end result . And I think this sets a good example to kids as well... Eg - didn't really want to do a work out but I feel full of energy now - and pleased I did it.

Does he also have to eat something straight away if he's hungry? Drives me insane.

I was warming up leftovers for lunch today and he comes into the kitchen and makes himself a ham sandwich. I said your dinner is right here I'm just warming it up, he said but I didn't know how long it would take so I just made a sandwich because I was hungry. It's so annoying. Then he said oh it's just a quick sandwich what does it matter? He asks me for help loosing weight then when I kindly suggest the habits he has that cause him to be overweight he just defends himself. Totally pointless.

I don't get why so many respondents are negatively inclined towards OP. I get where you are coming from - my partner is probably not as big as yours but definitely could make some effort to improve.

Also he is just like your man - he'd try for a day or two and then back to old ways.

I'm currently recovering from a c section but after I'm better I'm planning to actually go on a diet / get active with him. I think in such circumstances you can only really motivate them by setting an example.

First of all, you show them it can be done, that you are making the effort and try for them, and thirdly he might actually start moving when he sees you turning heads and getting attention from other guys for your new improves physique.

Just my 2 pence!

An overweight person has enough stored fuel for several months
The idea that they must eat immediately is ludicrous
Why this inability to tolerate hunger?
Its not a Body needing nourishment
Its an addict craving a fix

Pig they don't have "fuel" for months.

That's a ridiculous notion. They still must eat in order to function. They can't run on empty because they're fat!

No, beyond some vitamin intake required by the body for a few essential functions, it is perfectly possible for somebody to run on fat stores for an extended amount of time provided they have enough of them.

Overweight man fasts for a year

Did you actually read that article before posting a link. It is quite patently pseudo scientific bollocks

That man wasn't truly starving. He was fed proteins and electrolytes throughout. An 800lb person and a 150lb person would starve to death in approximately the same time, when their body started using their vital organs (muscles) to create glucose.

enid it should also be known as the gallstone plan

What you are advocating is dangerous.

Honestly some of these boards on here become a forum of eating disorder triggers every January.

phlabs.com/slow-and-steady-wins-the-race

The gallstone plan

The long and the short of it is that nobody will lose weight unless they want to and have the willpower to get on with it and stick at it. I've had several family members die young because of smoking or obesity. I'd just hope they have good life insurance.

This thread is fascinating as it highlights the double standards we adopt, both on Mumsnet (eg different advice offered depending on whether it is sought by a man or a woman), or in society in general.

For example, some posters have made the point that for someone who is obese, their relationship with food is not dissimilar to someone's relationship to alcohol, drugs, or gambling if they are an addict. I agree with this, and I think what and how we choose to eat is a very complex issue.

However, what differs, is that if a poster comes on here describing her relationship with an alcoholic partner (I'm using this example as there are a few threads on this running at the moment), then the advice is quite firmly to leave. In the case of the OP, living with someone who has changed significantly over the years, and which is impacting negatively on the family (eg example to children, quality of relationship, life expectancy etc), she is lambasted by many posters for wanting this to change.

I don't know the rights and wrongs of this, but let's stop pretending that it is wrong to maintain the same level of attraction to people if they change significantly. For some people,this is fine, and I am talking about attraction, not love here, but let's be realistic.

OP, sadly, I think that pressurising your DH will only make him more resistant. I' not sure what you do, but one thing I would do for starters is to tell him in no uncertain terms to cut out the comments about how you present yourself, if he isn't willing to have a two way discussion.

'f a poster comes on here describing her relationship with an alcoholic partner (I'm using this example as there are a few threads on this running at the moment), then the advice is quite firmly to leave.'

I agree that people's relationship with food can be similar to an addiction but I really don't think it's comparable with living with an alcoholic.

To summarise then:

Poster A: I am borderline obese, but despite being half a foot shorter than Usain Bolt I am more genetically gifted than the greatest 100m sprinter in world history and carry more muscle mass than he does despite not doing a fraction of his training. As such I can confirm that BMI is nonsense and just because you're several stone over the top end of the huge range of weights designated as healthy by BMI, you should definitely not worry about it.

MN: Fantastic post! thank you

Poster B: BMI is an accurate measure for the overwhelming majority of people, erring on the side of give false positive "healthy" readings for women. (provide link to peer reviewed medical study)

It possible that fat can be used as the primary fuel source for the body for an extended period proportional to the amount of fat carried (provide link to peer reviewed medical study).

MN: Stop telling people to starve themselves! Your ideas are dangerous! You're triggering people! This is pseudoscience nonsense. (posts own pseudoscience with no supporting evidence)

Yeah ok... that's enough for me.