All first dates no second dates, and men texting after a date but not asking you out!

[TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap]

Looking for any feedback that goes beyond love yourself, get a life etc because obviously I have all of that covered. My self-esteem is fine & I walk away from men who aren't going to meet my needs. But that leaves me with a never-ending list of first dates.
I know I have done more than 50% of the rejecting so I can't really cry in to my mashed potato for one (yet) but the last four internet dates I've been on, three of the four have rejected a second date with me. The last one, we were really vibing on our date (although perhaps I couldn't exactly read the vibe) and it was easy and fun. We had a good on line rapport which ground to a halt the moment I got out of the taxi and put my key in the door. By the next day (I'm not a slow learner) I had deciphered through reverberating silence that seemed to deafen the internet that we weren't going to have a second date. Fine, Ok, I accepted that. But then he started texting me, but really boring texts, like he was deliberately working hard at being quite boring. If there was one thing he wasn't it was boring so again I had to deduce that he was trying to communicate through the medium of being really boring that we weren't a thing. I got that. Every time I put him to the back of my mind I got another text from him to remind me. I got two texts in a row (i'd ignored one) so it was like he was determined to remind me. I asked are we actually going to meet up? And he has disappeared.

Anyway, for the sake of clarification, I'm not using photos that are decades old (less than a year all of them), they're not photo shopped. I am not overweight. And yes I do have kids, but not tiny ones, and they all knew that before they met me (and the most recent one also had kids, older kids but he did have kids).

Ps, I'm not being really fussy with the ones I've rejected. I tend to reject men if there are awkward silences, misunderstandings, no humour, and they want to meet again

So, that's where the name change comes from, there is just no over lap between the men who'd date me and the men I'd date.

Gonna keep trying etc but I was wondering if anybody had any tips for bringing these two circles closer together. Give me a venn diagram that overlaps slightly please universe!

Oh right. Thanks.

Ive been thinking and I havent always been clear when i reject people myself. I have also communicated through silence in the past.

I will alwsys send a text now, to be clear. I wont hope that "he just knew''

Two silence is like going extreme boring...

Been thinking about this, Two. Have you ever been on dates where the man has thought it was going well, but you didn't? E.g. the friend's brother? In other words, it's not just you not reading the signals right (there's probably a better way of putting that).

I'm loving this thread!! I've been on some horrendous dates where they've contacted me wanting another and I'm left wondering how they could have got it so wrong! Not so much the other way around so far, but I go on very few dates so that's maybe why.

I am also very independent and don't need a man in my busy life (although I'd like one) and I agree with others that I do think this puts some men off. I've also been told (by male friends) that although I'm friendly, funny and get on well with most people, I come across as a bit emotionally unavailable. I'd say I'm just a bit guarded until I feel more comfortable with people, I'm not prepared to bare my soul to someone from the get go, if that puts some people off then so be it.

Regarding the friends brother, could you two arrange to meet without the friend knowing? you may feel under less pressure that way

Great thread - thanks for sharing.

I am absolutely with you on wanting to meet up quickly.

I've just added a couple of possibly-intimidating points to my bio (PhD, feminist) so that anyone who is likely to be intimidated by these things can stay away completely and not waste my time.

trills I dont think its titles that intimidate people its attitude and how you purvey yourself

Here's a weird thing. At the time I met my OH, he was actually on OLD but I'd never have got together with him via that, because he'd have been a bit daunted by my PhD stuff, and I'd not have looked within his age range.

We were introduced by a mutual acquaintance but not as a potential date thing - apparently it never occurred to the acquaintance that we'd get on.

I think it's both, but only one of them is something that I can pre-emptively tell people about so they can bugger off if it bothers them :)

Good idea Trills. I sometimes drop that in to conversation if I'm not sure what to make of a man. I had a fight with a bf once, he started mansplaining feminism to me. That was the start of the end. And it was naught to ninety after that. He was a crash dummy

LineyReborn, to be honest there is one man who I got on very well with and I enjoyed his company. He wasn't bad looking either I guess but I knew there was nothing mysterious about him. No layers to peel back. I don't know if I can explain it but although I did like him and get on with him, I could never have put up with him for a long weekend, never mind as a partner. So it is a little shocking to think that IamBoringNow felt something like that.

I never sent that guy an explanatory text either which was pretty shit of me I now realise. Later guys, I did send a quick text to clarify but with that guy I didn't.

I've been shit myself. BUT I didn't then go back to them and start sending banal texts that had no context for them. I mean, mr Iamboringnow he presumably knew in exactly what context he was contacting me. I would love to send him a message to teach him how to reject somebody but I've no right as I've been equally as shit in the past (at least once)

I think the reason why I can't understand this kind of "lukewarm", hot/cold behavior is that personally, either I like someone or I don't.

There may be a very short period of time during which I am assessing if I am attracted, but usually after a whole date I just know. And if I am unsure, usually that means I am
not attracted enough to go any further.

I can do ONS and flirting with people I am marginally attracted to, but I can't go on dates and keep in regular touch with someone unless I feel attracted.

So I either am in or I am out. I don't keep in touch if after a date if I didn't feel that attraction. If I do feel the attraction, then I don't do hot/cold, ghosting, disappearing and all that crap. It is easy!

I realize not everyone is as straightfoward as I am unfortunately

Well sometimes I am in two minds about somebody but I would never want to string them along while I make up my mind because I would feel awful if I ''wasted their time''. I know not everybody sees it that way, they see it as getting to know each other but if you're not sure about somebody, to go on maybe four dates and then fold your arms and say 'now I'm really sure it's a no' that seems like dreadful behaviour to me. Also, if i'm with somebody who I know likes me more than I like them, I feel like I'm suffocating. I'm stifled and full of guilt.

So I can only really press play if feelings are equal

Facebook wisdom is mocked but I've been reading lots of trite platitudes about not chasing somebody who's walking away from you etc. It has helped.

if i'm with somebody who I know likes me more than I like them,

Out of interest, how do you know?

Twocircles I still don't get why iamboringnow texted "repeatedly" after your date. Maybe he wasn't giving you the brush off, but you thought he was because he's not a good writer or couldn't strike the right note so he played it safe (boring) as it's early days. Therefore you ignored one text, he texted again (!) and you sent him "are we actually going to meet up". He - perhaps - thought you then sounded sarcastic/disinterested so that was that!

I am guessing you'll be certain of the conclusions you've drawn but if you look back through the messages, is there any way that being boring on purpose might equal being nervous at having met someone he really likes...?

Incidentally what is a really boring text - how do you put someone off you by being boring, what do you say??

Also this
sometimes I am in two minds about somebody but I would never want to string them along while I make up my mind

What if you make your mind up to a yes? What if you have walked away from some potential yeses just because you didn't get that immediate hit? I think you need to give any possibles more of a chance, I don't think many people are immediately sure how they feel about someone; I don't think there's anything wrong with giving a relationship time to bloom; and there's nothing wrong with ending it after four dates if it's not working out. IMO

angieneri I think the problem is that most-not all I'm sure-women go into dating with an honest approach,and we still expect men to be equally so. And when it comes down to it we all have to play the game: don't chase,act cool,never double message. It all makes me feel sometimes that I'm just too old/tired/stroppy to be bothering. I know that what I write on my profile is 'me',no embellishment,no fibs,no photoshopping or Instagram filters. I'm canny enough to play the game..but I really wish dating was how it used to be. Brave new world-but give me the old one any day..rather than the OLD one 😂

Maybe the honest response that some men give is not a palatable one but is honest nonetheless?

I know I'm 'lucky' to have had a good result from OLD, but I also think that it's not in small part to the fact that I just didn't judge too much/have expectations/think to in-depth about it. I just let it unfold and didn't think about it too much. All I can say is being chilled out and treating my dates with the same relaxed attitude as I'd treat a potential new female friend for example was pretty simplistic and basically worked a treat.

I don't think men who decide a few dates in that they don't want to date the woman again are being disingenuous they are just feeling it out in exactly the same way we do. If they do go 'boring' as it were then why would you want to see them anyway, they've stopped putting effort in - leave them to it.

Someone who really really thinks they've met someone special will leave you in no doubt. So there's no need to dissect it, they just aren't the one for you and vice versa. That's it in a nutshell.

Lesismiserable I guess I've just met a couple of rogues,who said one thing but meant another; honesty I can live with,no matter how unpalatable. It's the out and out lying I struggle with; I'd far rather men are upfront and say if they just want a ONS or FWB. It's then my decision as to whether I also want that.

I have friends who are happily settled with partners they met online,after also having their fair share of dating horror stories,so I do believe it's a luck and numbers game. Your original post was so lovely,and it's remembering the stories like that which give the rest of us hope as we kiss the frogs. And I agree absolutely; if it's right then there's no games,no doubt,it's just easy

Such a nice thing to say, thank you

And yes, when I did a bit of OLD a few years ago I had a great big frog - someone who I slept with on the second date thanks to all his platitudes, he'd been so lonely, etc etc etc , someone who I never heard from again and later found out he had got his now girlfriend pregnant after a first date with her on the same weekend he slept with me. I can laugh about it now, no hard feelings. They're a lovely family

LesisMiserable 😳
Sounds as though they were a match made in heaven 😉

I don't think she had any idea at all he was 'double dipping' that weekend ahem in the same way I didn't . Grim I know urgggh Ah well, she got the 'prize'

I really really do wish the best for those OLD, and as I've laboured the point to death previously, the only advice I can give is no expectations and no pressure really helps to let things simmer at their own pace. Good things take time

I do think a lot of things get wrecked by early day panicking (usually over texting!!) I even had a small wobble myself with DP at about the six week stage (as you do) but all good after that

LineyReborn, you can feel it and it makes you feel stifled and suffocated, like you just know this is going to end with them feeling rejected and you feeling guilty. Argh! And I'm not usually wrong. In younger years, I would have responded in a people-pleasing way to the Dater who inspired this thread aka imboringnow even though he had communicated his lack of interest to me by not texting me for about a week. Then, when he knew that he'd left it long enough to communicate that he wasn't genuinely properly interest, he tested the water with a bland text that made no effort. It's the kind of thing I would have gone for in younger years. Because that shit, it is half-hearted, but it does not leave you feeling like you can't breath. You're chasing after something you can never have because they don't actually want you and have made that clear enough if you read the signs.

I was watching some dating clips on youtube last night (!) and something one of them said (allan hanrahan) was about feminine energy and masculine energy. The guy I got on really well with but rather shabbily did not let know with a quick text that i didn't think we were a match, I now knnow why I didn't want to see him again. He had a very feminine energy. ie, the coach divided the room by saying, rank these two statements. A- it's more important that my partner understands how I feel. B - It's more important that my partner respect what I think. And then he said put your hand up if A is more important. It was all the women. Put your hand up if B is more important. All the men.
So the men I've rejected, I might not have been able to pin point why I was rejecting them but I'm convinced (sstill) that it was not the wrong decision. I only regret not being smooth enough to keep him as a friend, and the same with my friend's brother

The man I feel I treated shabbily by not sending a quick text to let him know I didn't feel we were a match, because we'd got on so well and he must have been confused, that was ages ago now.

he said put your hand up if A is more important. It was all the women. Put your hand up if B is more important. All the men.

All of them, huh? What a strange group of people to exactly split down the middle like that. There's no division that I know of, whether you consider it it be innate or learned, where there is not some overlap.