All first dates no second dates, and men texting after a date but not asking you out!

[TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap]

Looking for any feedback that goes beyond love yourself, get a life etc because obviously I have all of that covered. My self-esteem is fine & I walk away from men who aren't going to meet my needs. But that leaves me with a never-ending list of first dates.
I know I have done more than 50% of the rejecting so I can't really cry in to my mashed potato for one (yet) but the last four internet dates I've been on, three of the four have rejected a second date with me. The last one, we were really vibing on our date (although perhaps I couldn't exactly read the vibe) and it was easy and fun. We had a good on line rapport which ground to a halt the moment I got out of the taxi and put my key in the door. By the next day (I'm not a slow learner) I had deciphered through reverberating silence that seemed to deafen the internet that we weren't going to have a second date. Fine, Ok, I accepted that. But then he started texting me, but really boring texts, like he was deliberately working hard at being quite boring. If there was one thing he wasn't it was boring so again I had to deduce that he was trying to communicate through the medium of being really boring that we weren't a thing. I got that. Every time I put him to the back of my mind I got another text from him to remind me. I got two texts in a row (i'd ignored one) so it was like he was determined to remind me. I asked are we actually going to meet up? And he has disappeared.

Anyway, for the sake of clarification, I'm not using photos that are decades old (less than a year all of them), they're not photo shopped. I am not overweight. And yes I do have kids, but not tiny ones, and they all knew that before they met me (and the most recent one also had kids, older kids but he did have kids).

Ps, I'm not being really fussy with the ones I've rejected. I tend to reject men if there are awkward silences, misunderstandings, no humour, and they want to meet again

So, that's where the name change comes from, there is just no over lap between the men who'd date me and the men I'd date.

Gonna keep trying etc but I was wondering if anybody had any tips for bringing these two circles closer together. Give me a venn diagram that overlaps slightly please universe!

Lol at twat radar and rhinohyde!!

Handy woman, I still don't get the general consensus idea - I share Les miserables view and experience, I really think it's a personal choice, not a right and wrong way! You can equally meet someone quickly then find that there is not much to talk about after a few dates - if u chat by email for more than 10 days, that would probably become obvious and save the trouble an awkward date. Horses for courses...

It's weird really because I didn't consider us messaging for a month as a big investment and that's the truth, mainly because it was just something that happened - I didn't live my life around his messages or put too much onus on whether it would pan out into anything or not. I just got on with my life and he with his and if and when we messaged each other it was a nice intrusion. It never felt forced or a chore or like we owed each other messages. It never really felt like if we never met it would be terrible or if we did we would immediately fall in love, it was at that point I suppose not dissimilar to your penpal set up OP.

Just nice without expectations. I think expectations are what complicates dating and meeting people to be fair.

It is better to meet without expectation. How can two people messaging for weeks and weeks avoid filling in the gaps and building each other up.
Writing letters/messages is like having a relationship with yourself as you can control what is revealed and spend ages honing messages and editing and inproving.
Even if you are both honest in messages it isnt any indication of how you react in real life. A few times now ive had a great on line rapport with somebody and it didnt carry over in to real life. It just isnt worth the risk, investing time in to a person you have not met. If it works occasionally that's an exception! Not proof it is a good idea.

Lessis, dare i say it, you didnt realise you had expectations only because he actually met them.

Totally agree Two

I know what you're saying but you're wrong about that Two. I had been dumped by a note popped through the letter box by my partner of four and a half years (had known him 20 years). My self esteem was in the toilet. I went on Tinder about a month after this purely and simply to be flattered by some male attention as I couldn't help but feel like the most unlovable and unattractive woman on earth to be dumped in such a way. I don't mind admitting that was my only motivation. When now DP and I got chatting I literally had no expectation at all to get into anything romantic as such, I was in all honestly just practising my flirty skills to see if they still existed. Whilst with some other people I messaged on Tinder it was all about the flirting and perhaps a little bit of cheekiness with DP we started from the off on quite a high brow setting. Nothing suggestive. Nothing cheeky. Nothing really to suggest we actually fancied each other really (although yes we must have thought we both looked half decent) The talk just never went that way (maybe a clever ruse on both our parts to up the intrigue… ) . We chatted and that was that. It was nice. When I met him the first time, it was because I was going to be in the place he lives by coincidence. It was almost a case of meeting as mates because we got on well online, so why not have a night out together while I was there? I sensed that he had the same level of maturity about that as me and it would all be good, regardless of what we thought of each other in person in a dating sense. If we didn't fancy each other, we'd still have a good time as mates - we knew this because we'd got to know each other a bit. Worse case scenario - a good night out with nice company. It went really, really well. Rest is history of course.

But no, I had no expectations as I wasn't looking for a relationship as such, just some reassurance that I was decent company and an attractive person despite being dumped like rubbish.

But you know, whatever works for the individual is what counts and if you don't want to spend time getting to know them online that's totally understandable and I know lots of people dating who agree with you and for valid reasons. However, that old saying - do what you always did, get what you always got' may apply here, that's all

Ok fair enough!
Im glad it worked out honestly! Love a happy ending.
Ive been on dates that were arranged not 24 hours in advance and still felt disappointment.

I think you just haven't met the right person yet twocircles. Leave Iamboringnow to er be boring on his own.

ha ha at twatradar handy I REALLY need to sort mine out

Ha, yes Judith. Switch your twat radar off and on again!

Funnily enough it's my male friends who don't like to chat too long to women on OLD, they'd rather cut to the chase and meet up so you're not on your own on that one.

You just need to meet your opposite number Two You sound ace and switched on to be fair

Twat radar needs to be on full beam at all times and never turn it off. Non twats can become twats at a moments notice

This is true. They are all lovely when they're interested in you.

I was like that to begin with Lessis but after about 18 months of OLD I have realised that there's no direct correlation between time spent investing in to them before you meet and satisfaction with what you get upon meeting. So therefore, the men are right on this one. Get a quick sense of somebody and arrange a date. If they're not right, move on. Interestingly, and in my defense Lessis, there have been a couple of men I liked and there was nothing at all wrong with them per se but they were the ones who sent me the quick ''loook you seeeem really niiiice but I wasn't feeling any great chemistry'' text the next morning. So I here what you're saying, give men a chance, but I am struggling to think of a man I should have given a second date to. Actually there is one but he was my friend's brother not an OLD and I was really afraid of messing him about. Had one date and he was nice, pleasant enough company but that was it. Not unattractive though and he clearly had loads of friends and was happy. I felt like I had to decide yes or no really quickly because my friend was whatsapping me every twenty seconds, so, so, so, so did you like my brother, he really like you did you like him will you see each other again will you will. I panicked and bailed.

But out of about 17 he's the only one I look back on and think he probably deserved a second date. I would have had to tranquilise his sister for a fortnight though

haha tranquillising the sister - that could possibly worth it nothing worse than someone pressurising you about reporting back on a date!! He might be worth a revisit…..

I had a few dates whilst 'on a break' with my horrible note posting exDP , with a guy I quite liked, ticked most of the boxes etc…. he gave me the brush off and I was quite bloody peeved about it at the time. Still FB friends, he will message me from time to time with 'one that got away' messages and I think, you said you didn't want me not the other way round!! Always the way, they don't want it when you want them and vice versa etc.

That's why it so elusive when it hits just right for both isn't it. Disclaimer* I may be portraying love's 'young' dream but I could still happily murder my DP at times but on balance he's alright

I met DH OLD and wasn't interested at all initially; I was purely there for a bit of an ego boost. DH was lovely, completely unlike anyone I'd met before (he was the first and last OLD I had) but we had that spark on the first date and now 10 years later it's all a distant memory. You need that spark. It doesn't have to be burning-loins and love at first sight (because that stuff is bollocks designed to scare women into settling) but that spark. It's bound to happen. You sound lovely, bright and good company. Have faith and keep writing on here, you're very funny.

It's interesting that you wanted advice, but you are sooo sure you know the best way to do things OP - LesMis makes a very good point, it could be worth trying something different if u want a different outcome :-).
Fwiw, my experience has been a lot like LesMis's, more chat/emails before meeting weeded out a few with whom I didn't seem to have much in common after some superficial introductory pleasantries. If there we had met and had chemistry, it would have confused things imo.

The chap I'm with now was total flukesville. We were both on Match.com but just a smidge out of each other's distance criteria. I never even saw a pic of him in 2 years on there. But I signed up to GSM and cropped up in the 'new profiles' section for him and he messaged me straight away. Could so easily have never happened..

But ive done it that way too trisk.

Also sometimes people offer up advice based on an online impression. Ie that im agressive or intimidating. Pretty sure none of the men ive dated found me aggressive. Funny and articulate and smart i hope but i am not at all agressive. This is 5he k8nd of misconception that on line communication allows but real life makes perceptions based on the pwrson not based on your asdumption.

Also the guy i met most recently given we got on so well on line im really really relieved i wasnt investing weeks in to a communication that he didnt want to follow up on.

One does neeed to protect oneself

Just read the bit about your friend's brother Two and I am shocked that you bailed when he sounds exactly what you've been looking for!
Is he still single? It seems a shame not to give it a chance.
As to what people are suggesting re toning down your personality: unless you're always prepared to try to shine less brightly than you naturally do, I wouldn't bother .
As to practical advice, do you have a sport or hobby you'd like your OH to do and can you go to places where such people are likely to hang out? E.g. Take your camera to the beach while kite surfers are out, or meet up with your girlfriends in a bar/pub/restaurant where you know people who work in your preferred sector hang out. I think some degree of physical attraction and chemistry is pretty crucial, I wonder if you'd have more luck the old fashioned way.

I just liked a good post he put up on facebook. I can do no more

twocircles stay away!

(why did you bin the friend's brother btw?)

Thanks confused, I know, if I didn't have kids I could join all sorts of activities and have more luck the old fashioned way I think.
But honestly internet dating has helped me. I was at the airport recently, killing time between two flights and this much younger man asked me where I was flying to. Before I'd done 18 months of OLD I would have thought 'he doesn't realise I'm 20 years older than he is and he'll be repulsed when he realises so I won't be too warm, I'll just be formal and polite and no more. But I actually took the poker out of my ass and just chatted to him and then he said he was off to Oslo. I said bye now! and that was that. NOT at all awkward, I would have been dying over that two years ago.