All first dates no second dates, and men texting after a date but not asking you out!

[TwoCirclesthatdontoverlap]

Looking for any feedback that goes beyond love yourself, get a life etc because obviously I have all of that covered. My self-esteem is fine & I walk away from men who aren't going to meet my needs. But that leaves me with a never-ending list of first dates.
I know I have done more than 50% of the rejecting so I can't really cry in to my mashed potato for one (yet) but the last four internet dates I've been on, three of the four have rejected a second date with me. The last one, we were really vibing on our date (although perhaps I couldn't exactly read the vibe) and it was easy and fun. We had a good on line rapport which ground to a halt the moment I got out of the taxi and put my key in the door. By the next day (I'm not a slow learner) I had deciphered through reverberating silence that seemed to deafen the internet that we weren't going to have a second date. Fine, Ok, I accepted that. But then he started texting me, but really boring texts, like he was deliberately working hard at being quite boring. If there was one thing he wasn't it was boring so again I had to deduce that he was trying to communicate through the medium of being really boring that we weren't a thing. I got that. Every time I put him to the back of my mind I got another text from him to remind me. I got two texts in a row (i'd ignored one) so it was like he was determined to remind me. I asked are we actually going to meet up? And he has disappeared.

Anyway, for the sake of clarification, I'm not using photos that are decades old (less than a year all of them), they're not photo shopped. I am not overweight. And yes I do have kids, but not tiny ones, and they all knew that before they met me (and the most recent one also had kids, older kids but he did have kids).

Ps, I'm not being really fussy with the ones I've rejected. I tend to reject men if there are awkward silences, misunderstandings, no humour, and they want to meet again

So, that's where the name change comes from, there is just no over lap between the men who'd date me and the men I'd date.

Gonna keep trying etc but I was wondering if anybody had any tips for bringing these two circles closer together. Give me a venn diagram that overlaps slightly please universe!

Re my friend's brother, it wasn't like we had a massive connection. I liked him and I wanted to be his friend and to see if it grew and I hinted at that, but he was trying to kiss me at the bus stop. I did give him a bit of a kiss but I wasn't losing myself in to it, I was thinking,fuck what impression am I giving. And then when his sister was whatsapping me furiously the next day looking for updates I said I wasn't sure and that I didn't know one way or the other, I felt like I had to give a clear yes or a clear no. So she obviously fed it back to him that I wasn't interested and I just felt relieved to be honest. He was nice though. I met him once more through her and he was slightly cool with me. Only slightly but I don't blame him tbh.

OP I agree with meeting fairly quickly as my worst habit is building up an image in my head of what they'll be like. Although I'm trying to have no expectations now.

My most recent relationship was with a man who I had been messaging for about four weeks though! But I had no expectations as he lived 2.5hrs away from me. As it turns out it has not worked out but I'm trying to replicate the no expectations thing.

I think the turning boring is kinder than ghosting, I prefer it I think it sort of puts the situation back onto them - makes me think that they wouldn't suit me rather than what's wrong with me. Although I know there's nothing wrong with me

I think you dealt with the brother situation quite well actually, it had the potential to get even more awkward and needed nipping in the bud.

Yes you're right, turning boring is nicer than ghosting! Iamboringnow is a nice guy.

I don't think this is going to help really but it's occurred to me that men like to be needed, and you don't seem to need a man. I can't tell DH of any kind of problem without him looking for a way to help when I'm usually just sharing news... It's like he has a predisposition to problem solve. I've obviously read mars/Venus and may be over or under thinking it...
I know quite a few couples who are complementary to each other i.e. Organised/scatty; humorous/calm; a nothing quite enough high achiever with a wife who values the truly important things and helps him see that. You seem to have all the bases covered... is there room for your missing jigsaw piece? Clearly you want a companion to share life with but are you giving the impression that you need one? I hope this doesn't cause offence, I don't know if I'd be this blunt face to face .

Interesting point DrFoxtrot

I had a flurry of OLD action this time last year, during which time I was also having psychotherapy. The thrust of that phase of therapy was meeting my own emotional needs. I was genuinely happy and content and confident. And didn't 'need' a man. I think I projected that probably and generally has fun dates (with the odd clanger such as pp have described). But the fella I have met doesn't want to be 'needed' either, he's no knight in shining armour. Never offers opinion on career stuff, or life stuff, but does listen intently and remembers everything. And has done a few important things around the house and in the garden. He enjoys that but I don't think he wants to be needed in a partnership in a big way. We just enjoy each other and remain independent, fully functional single working parents. We do little things for each other - of course.

That said I know Matthew Hussey talks about showing as many different sides to yourself as possible. After meeting someone I still maintain the top 3 factors are luck, luck and luck.

Thanks Handy and DrFoxtrot. I do feel better today. Off to work for four days of being so busy I won't get time to go to the loo so men shmen. I don't need one either. I am content. I guess eventually, statistically, if I make enough effort to meet people the two circles will overlap.. they did in May and I'd discovered he was a jackass by August! so a break from the two circles overlapping is not always so unwelcome! I'm impatient now.

Not surprised you're impatient. My therapist said that it's completely human nature to seek out a close, supportive, intimate relationship with a special someone. So take comfort from that - there's nothing wrong with you. Nothing at all.

Onwards and do write that book because I would buy it

Confused you're ok, not offended! I think some men love an independent woman and some want a damsel and I'd veer towards the ones who value independence. I was accused of being aggressive or intimidating up thread and I suspect from their responses they might think ''well you can't help some people, they ask for help and won't listen to the advice" but really there is a vulnerability to me that is not coming across on line. I'm very open on dates. I listen, I ask questions, I wouldn't have bothered creating this thread if I hadn't imagined that I had some sort of rapport with that guy. So it's not just 3 out of four rejecting me per se, it's that my intuition turned out to be 'off'.. And actually, of those other two, one just got in there first really, I was in that being open to giving people a second chance phase, and he got in there first telling me he didn't want to waste my time! So I didn't feel that my intuition was off. The other one did want a second date initially and then ''met somebody'' in between our first and second date. Hmm! But again, I wasn't left with that feeling that I had read the whole date wrong.

What's your theory on the no second dates? You're not daft, you have probably got a fair and realistic idea.

When I didn't see a guy after the second date, I'm sure it was because he was looking for someone younger (worked that out from a few things he said and I have seen him since on Facebook with a woman much younger than me!)

lol if I'm fired from the Bank of Robot Tutting Bastards who won't even let you go to the loo I'll write it. Actually, maybe I'll put a heist in to the book. I do love a good heist movie and now I have a few ideas. My protagonist works in a bank but is more suited to being a events coordinator. All the robots at the bank find her a bit weird. Better go. Robots will be tutting me soon.

That is one theory for sure Hello. He did know my age beforehand though. But you're probably right. It probably is that simple. And although I hadn't verbalised it I'm not sure there's any point going on dates with men my own age any more.

Well I don't know about that. I haven't found age a particular barrier apart from in this case where he was about four years younger than me, very good looking and said he had had a lot of interest from women in their 20s.

late to this thread but it rings true for me. Just out of a 12 year marriage. All settled, independent, my son fine, rels with ex h civil but i cannot for the life of me seem to even get close to finding 'the intimate friendship with someone special' mentioned above. I am frankly aghast at how the whole dating thing has moved on since I met my xh in 2003 when social media and whatsapp didn't exist. I've been ghosted, had the dreadful 'boring treatment by sms', been stood up, tried OLD and found nothing but guys wanting physical encounters (I don't live in UK so that is specific i think to my location). Not looking for advice so to speak but I am slowly getting paralysed and thus can't seem to ever make the first move or text someone post meet up for fear of being rejected or seeming needy. Gah. I left an unsatisfactory marriage wanting to try again and so far I am alone, and becoming paranoid I'll be stuck that way. Sorry to sound so self indulgently miserable but relieved to find somewhere to finally vent (I am surrounded by married people, couples, or millennials so have virtually no-one to talk to on this)

Twocircles I absolutely never had you down as a damsel . I am glad you're not offended, it just rules out a certain type of guy and one that wouldn't suit you anyway.

I think it is largely down to luck. Also making the first move if you like someone; if you don't want a player (who does) and meet someone who's a possible, ask him for a coffee. How old are your DC, how often can you get out? If meeting Mr Right is a lottery then you're best off buying a lot of tickets i.e. Getting out and about and meeting people.

True that absolutely is the strategy. Buy lots of tickets, and dont hold on to losing tickets

Ah hellofromtheotherside, a guy like that, conentionally handsome with no kids, id stteer clear and i would expect nothing but the guy who blew me off lied about his height, had a big tummy, a gap between his teeth and yet i liked him. I did date somebody a bit like you describe at the beginning of 2016 tho and he was 3 years younger, tall, lean, handsome, cool. .. it was never going to work out welk for me!. We are kind of at peace now though.

I agree it's a numbers game - there'll be the right person out there for you. I also think that it pays to have a second date even if you don't immediately think there's a connection.

Hello DrF (I'm an oldie from the dating thread (think Soho...)).

Hello Handy and Judith

I think Handy has a very good point about it being down to luck. I feel I'm at a similar point to you OP I know what I want and I've not found it yet. I sometimes feel impatient too. Sometimes I swipe on tinder and fancy NOBODY . Sometimes I think I'm destined to be single forever.

Regarding second dates, whenever I've had them to give the connection a second chance it hasn't worked. My initial instincts have usually been correct, if the clicking isn't there at the beginning it doesn't seem to materialise at all. I have found myself getting anxious on second dates thinking I shouldn't have agreed to it and how can I get out of it.

Good thread, it's been fun reading it :)

OLD is no better for guys (just to give you the opposite perspective). I found, on both POF and Match, that plenty of women wouldn't meet for a date. They'd happily chat for weeks, but were clearly not interested in anything other than killing some time - and that was including some of those that approached me first.

And then there's the "don't bother messaging me if you're just going to say hi" on profiles. Wouldn't be so bad, but if you took the time to write something based on their additional info/description (assuming they'd been bothered enough to actually write one and hadn't just put "I'll get to this sometime") you'd either get blanked or they'd tell you they were in a relationship.

I'm not naive - I know some of the relationship IMs were a 'polite' way of saying "no thanks" but it's no wonder, then, that people using the sites decide to adopt a shotgun approach and just IM anyone they can find with "hi!!" That way, if the profile's one of the (many, many) dormant ones you haven't lost any time.

My CP and I did eventually find each other on POF, (3rd year together so it can work), but boy was it a lot of effort before we did.

Another success story! Hooray! Thanks PaterPower.

What's that you say is a polite way of saying no thanks? "relationship IMs" I don't understand that.

Could you ask? Contact your most recent OLD date and tell him you are doing an intellectual exercise to try and understand the science of OLD so you can make it less painful. Ask what went wrong for him that he didn't want to meet up. You may learn something about yourself.

CP Is that current partner?

I'd like to stiffenedpleat. It's not so much that he rejected me that leaves me feeling I couldn't ask, it's that his entire personality just switched off.

It's not that painful. I mean, him rejecting me, what's painful is the realisation that a date can go great for one person (me) and not for the other person. Usually it's mutually awkward or mutually good. I actually deluded myself that we were vibing. In fact, the two best dates I ever been on did not lead to anything. I used to think it was really tedious meeting man after man after man only a mother could love but it's worse if you think, no, I really liked him actually and they are just 'meh' I can get a younger/better/glossier one.

I meant that some of the IMs (instant messages) saying that they were already in a relationship was just what they thought was a polite way of fobbing me off.