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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

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Original poster

Is it still rape if I had an orgasm? - triggers

107 replies

wanttoleavethepastbehindme · 01/01/2017 22:55

I'm struggling a bit thinking of a past relationship. I'm ok, but really want to put this behind me once and for all.

With this guy when we had sex sometimes he would force me into anal sex. Force as in I had no choice and couldn't get away, he'd start very gradually with a finger and work his way up, but not force as in brutally hurt me. It hurt only slightly and just had that odd pressure feeling of anal sex but then by the end I'd have an orgasm.

I didn't want it and would be saying no but my body still had an orgasm at these times, so what does that mean? The orgasms felt physically good but had a lot of shame and embarrassment and felt sick afterwards. I still have to work hard today at having sex without feeling shame.

If I let it, shame and anal sex would be a massive turn on for me, but I try to just let the fantasies pass and not judge myself too much for them. However, I wish they would just go away.

Was this rape or assault really, or not, because it did give me (unwanted) orgasms?

OP posts:

PollyPerky · 02/01/2017 17:51

You lot are being disgusting to me. Talk about pots and kettles.

I said she ought to have therapy. This was not a one-off rape by a stranger- ok, rape usually isn't- but it happened many times.

I am not victim blaming and I am not going to be hounded by posters for suggesting she needs therapy to think why she allowed this to happen many times.

I'm not posting any more on this because it's clearly not a place for sensible discussion.

AnyFucker · 02/01/2017 17:51

Polly, you are coming across as just another common or garden victim blamer

Not as clever as you think you are

If you want advice on how it is possible to orgasm through anal sex, there is a whole topic devoted to the technicalities of various such acts

Your message here was insensitive and thoroughly jarring

LucyFuckingPevensie · 02/01/2017 17:52

Op, I believe you.
I think MNHQ do too, I think they only commented to stop the idiot troll hunters from derailing this thread. Although it doesn't seem to have worked this time.
Ignore them. They're showing themselves up.
I hope this thread can be a supportive place for you.

Overthinker2016 · 02/01/2017 17:53

Bye then Polly

AnyFucker · 02/01/2017 17:55

See you on the sex topic, Polly

BigDamnHero · 02/01/2017 17:55

Polly, it's got nothing to do with you suggesting therapy. It's the fact you, firstly, suggested the OP wasn't really raped because you decided it's not possible for women to orgasm through anal penetration and, secondly, told her it was her fault she was raped for not being assertive enough.

You seriously don't see how that's victim blaming and an absolutely horrific thing to say to someone who was raped??

AnyFucker · 02/01/2017 17:56

I think that hq posted to make it clear to the non believers that op is not a troll too.

TinkievsBroBeen · 02/01/2017 17:56

....so you can in future be assertive and in control of your actions. This is not so much about sex, but about how you deal with situations that you find yourself in and can't say 'No'.'

WTAF?

Polly the best thing you could do is to read the MN or ANY fucking info Rape Myths page as right now you are a walking ad of them. On the thread of someone who has been raped DFOD.

OP Please please ignore twattery of the above ilk. Support is there, it is genuine, it is confidential, and you will not ever be judged. {{{hugs}}}

Difficultyear2015 · 02/01/2017 17:57

I've known men who have been raped anally.
It is possible and it unfortunately does happen.

No idea how there are some awful people here not believing OP.

Isadora2007 · 02/01/2017 18:01

Honestly a counsellor will not judge- secretly or otherwise.
On any sexual abuse or sexual assault survivor training one of the first topics I have been introduced to is the paradox of any aspect of "enjoying" abuse. This is particularly relevant for child sex abuse survivors. Any counsellor worth their salt will NOT be shocked or think anything of you orgasming etc. They will only want to help you to understand and explore your feelings around this whole thing. Current andf past.

Kr1stina · 02/01/2017 18:10

Want to leave - please go for counselling. No one who works in this field will be at all shocked or suprised by what you say. It was a physical reaction outside your control , it's doesn't mean you enjoyed it or wanted it.

This often happens to boys who are sexually abused by adult men and they feel ashamed and guilty too, just like you. Sometimes they wonder if they might be gay, because they had an erection or orgasm when they were abused.

Abuse messes with your head as well as your body, as you have discovered. It makes it hard to see thisng clearly and rationally.

You are judging yourself but I promise you, a counsellor will not judge or blame you. There's nothing you can say that would shock or appall someone who works with rape or abuse survivors , sadly they have heard it all before.

Please get help.

MNHQ

RebeccaMumsnet · 02/01/2017 18:11

Hi all,

Apologies that our earlier post wasn't as clear as it could've been.

We had several reports about this thread and we wanted to publicly back the OP and say that as far as we can see her posts are genuine.

Sadly, some idiots across the internet think it's funny to post about awful things and some MNetters have been on the receiving end of fibs in the past so they are extra vigilant. We certainly don't get lots of reports calling troll but we do get lots of reports asking us just to check folks out and that's what we have done. It is how the MN community works so well, so please don't take offence. It was not intended at all.

OP, we wish you all the very best in the future and we do hope you can get some help and support here.

Apologies if our post was too abrupt.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 02/01/2017 18:15

I also think MMHQ believe OP, but I think it would have been more appropriate to respond to the doubters privately given that they had reported the thread privately and were not openly troll hunting. All they've achieved is to tell OP that people were doubting her, which she didn't need to know and clearly hasn't helped her (she said upthread that this just reinforces her reluctance to seek RL help). If there were too many reports to respond individually then it should just have been left. It's far more important to not further undermine the confidence of a rape victim than it is to prove anything to a troll hunter.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 02/01/2017 18:15

X post

randomeragain · 02/01/2017 18:25

emotive subject but do people have to be so rude

AnyFucker · 02/01/2017 18:29

Yes. Why not ?

randomeragain · 02/01/2017 18:57

because its nasty and uncalled for

cherrycrumblecustard · 02/01/2017 18:58

I think it's pretty rude to doubt a woman who has gone through such a harrowing ordeal.

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 02/01/2017 19:00

random

I dont think this is helping

AnyFucker · 02/01/2017 19:03

Random...you were the one who got deleted, dude

randomeragain · 02/01/2017 19:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

AnyFucker · 02/01/2017 19:22

Whatever

RufusTheSpartacusReindeer · 02/01/2017 19:26

Yep...thats not helping either random

randomeragain · 02/01/2017 19:27

it helped me

1horatio · 02/01/2017 19:31

random

Then start your own thread, if you need help?

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