I'm struggling a bit thinking of a past relationship. I'm ok, but really want to put this behind me once and for all.
With this guy when we had sex sometimes he would force me into anal sex. Force as in I had no choice and couldn't get away, he'd start very gradually with a finger and work his way up, but not force as in brutally hurt me. It hurt only slightly and just had that odd pressure feeling of anal sex but then by the end I'd have an orgasm.
I didn't want it and would be saying no but my body still had an orgasm at these times, so what does that mean? The orgasms felt physically good but had a lot of shame and embarrassment and felt sick afterwards. I still have to work hard today at having sex without feeling shame.
If I let it, shame and anal sex would be a massive turn on for me, but I try to just let the fantasies pass and not judge myself too much for them. However, I wish they would just go away.
Was this rape or assault really, or not, because it did give me (unwanted) orgasms?