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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

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Original poster

Is it still rape if I had an orgasm? - triggers

107 replies

wanttoleavethepastbehindme · 01/01/2017 22:55

I'm struggling a bit thinking of a past relationship. I'm ok, but really want to put this behind me once and for all.

With this guy when we had sex sometimes he would force me into anal sex. Force as in I had no choice and couldn't get away, he'd start very gradually with a finger and work his way up, but not force as in brutally hurt me. It hurt only slightly and just had that odd pressure feeling of anal sex but then by the end I'd have an orgasm.

I didn't want it and would be saying no but my body still had an orgasm at these times, so what does that mean? The orgasms felt physically good but had a lot of shame and embarrassment and felt sick afterwards. I still have to work hard today at having sex without feeling shame.

If I let it, shame and anal sex would be a massive turn on for me, but I try to just let the fantasies pass and not judge myself too much for them. However, I wish they would just go away.

Was this rape or assault really, or not, because it did give me (unwanted) orgasms?

OP posts:
PollyPerky · 02/01/2017 16:53

I don't disbelieve you OP and I hope you get help but I'm wondering how, anatomically, women can have orgasms with anal sex if no other stimulation happens. Maybe I'm naive as I've never tried it that way.

1horatio · 02/01/2017 16:55

random

Yes.. you can loosen pretty much any muscle up.

Seriously, are people being deliberately stupid?

If this was a courtroom or an investigation? Sure, question away. But this isn't.there is nothing to gain and nobody to protect from accusing the OP.

randomeragain · 02/01/2017 16:58

I guess you can loosen up muscles but isnt the fight or flight thing kicking in? You might be having a medical procedure for example and be trying your damnest to relax and be sensible, but it still doesn't work.

If the OP is upset thats sad and I suggest professional help.

Original poster
wanttoleavethepastbehindme · 02/01/2017 16:58

Funnily enough, Jan 1st and a brand new year lying ahead is making me want to deal with how I feel about this. As part of working on myself and committing to dealing with past traumas. This has been something I'm always nervous of confronting though.

OP posts:
cherrycrumblecustard · 02/01/2017 16:58

Random, what you and your body do, are yours, op is asking if it was rape (it was) do you think you're making her feel good?

annabanana23 · 02/01/2017 17:00

oh Fuck off yourself!

I asked a question, OP was not clear as to why she had no choice.

PollyPerky · 02/01/2017 17:06

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

MrsKCastle · 02/01/2017 17:06

isnt the fight or flight thing kicking in?

Fight, flight or freeze. Freeze is a common reaction to threatening situations, many rape victims feel almost paralysed. Seriously, it doesn't take much to think or read a little before posting on such a sensitive thread.

OP, it was rape, you are not responsible for your body's physical reaction and you have nothing to be ashamed of. Ignore the victim blaming. I hope you can find strength to move on this year.

M0stlyHet · 02/01/2017 17:07

What is it about threads by rape victims looking for support that makes some people behave like complete arsewipes? Do you go on threads by people who've been mugged and say things like "well, he told you he had a knife in his pocket, but unless you then asked to see it, can describe it in forensic detail and I think the blade was long enough, I'm not going to believe you were mugged, I'm going to believe you gave your wallet away and are just suffering bad donation regret."

OP says she was raped. What do the arsewipes get from doubting?

OP I still believe you.

1horatio · 02/01/2017 17:08

randomer

I froze when I was assaulted. Twice.

cherrycrumblecustard · 02/01/2017 17:08

Some women reach orgasm easier than others.

I have never 'allowed' anal, it's just something that makes me feel a bit ill, and I feel so sorry for op, I don't know why but being annally violated seems worse so much than vaginally. I'm not saying it is. Just it feels worse to me. But maybe op was fat tasting to help her cope. Anyway does it MATTER? And I'm not emotionally attached to my rampant rabbit but it makes me orgasm, I've never had an orgasm without it. Everyone's different.

Raineau · 02/01/2017 17:09

You shouldn't be ashamed you have nothing to be ashamed for. If you said No and didn't want him to do that to you and he continued anyway then it's always rape. Your body behaves in some ways we can't always control, and during rape it is common for the female body to react without you wanting the act to continue. The problem with the word rape some people blame women and that makes me so cross.

You could do with going or speaking to a counsellor or if you are embarrassed maybe someone else just to talk it through. Some times hearing yourself say something really helps you.

I'm sorry this happened to you and I hope you find someone you can talk to.
X

AnyFucker · 02/01/2017 17:18

Polly you may say you believe op but does an an anal rape thread seem like the best place to ask about the technicalities of it to you ?

if it does, there is something wrong with you

OvariesBeforeBrovaries · 02/01/2017 17:18

I believe you Flowers

Ignore some of the trolls on this thread. I don't know what they get out of posting the way they do but it's a reflection on their sad little lives.

randomeragain · 02/01/2017 17:19

oh for gods sake....I AM SORRY . sorry I posted. genuinely trying to understand it. Of course now i remember the freeze option. I don't know . I am way out of my depth.

PollyPerky · 02/01/2017 17:29

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

1horatio · 02/01/2017 17:32

polly

Btw, Inhave no emotional relationship with my magic wand and I still orgasm.

As long as the person I have relations with stimulates me the right way it works.
any boyfriend of mine would have known how to do that.

TheresABluebirdOnMyShoulder · 02/01/2017 17:33

Well I think it was a shit idea for MNHQ to post that message. Did the OP need to hear that people had reported her thread? Nobody was openly posting to say they didn't believe her so it seems like it's just caused unnecessary upset and now she is even less likely to seek RL help.

OP, if you contact a crisis centre I promise they will believe you and be able to help. There are some right funny fuckers on the internet and they do not represent the people who work with victims of rape or assault. Sadly what you are describing is not unusual and our bodies can betray us. The fact that you had no choice makes it rape. End of. There are no ifs or buts. Your body just responded in a particular way but that's not a reason to be ashamed.

I'm sorry this happened to you Flowers

yellowpostitnote · 02/01/2017 17:36

You're not the fuck up op, he was.

I believe you Flowers

AristotlesTrousers · 02/01/2017 17:38

Sorry this happened to you, OP. Hopefully you are in a safer place to deal with it with a bit of time passing. Maybe part of the reason you've been focussing on the orgasm is because that way you have been able to categorise it as 'not-rape' when it clearly is. (I told myself it couldn't be rape because I was in love the guy who did it and still wanted to be a part of his life - I clung tightly onto that for a long time, many years in fact until it resurfaced when I was in a safer place - emotionally and geographically.)

There is help available though, and I hope you find a way through it. sounds like you have started on the road to recovery anyway. Maybe one day you'll find the strength to report the scumbag, but for now just be kind to yourself and try to take comfort in the words of the kinder posters on this thread.Flowers

itsbetterthanabox · 02/01/2017 17:39

Polly are you kidding?
You seriously think it's appropriate to ask that to the op.
Op I'm so sorry. You came looking for support and even mumsnet HQ have acted appallingly.
You don't need to answer these degrading questions.

Overthinker2016 · 02/01/2017 17:41

Polly - you are victim blaming by suggesting / implying that the OP could have stopped herself being raped by being more assertive.

Not acceptable.

itsbetterthanabox · 02/01/2017 17:42

Polly
Even when you think you are nice you are being disgusting.
The op doesn't need to 'learn how to say no properly'.
Rapists need to not rape.
Please go away.

1horatio · 02/01/2017 17:43

polly

But the OP did say no? Are you serious?!

M0stlyHet · 02/01/2017 17:46

OP I realise it's nowhere near like rape, but I thought my story might help. My first long-term relationship, after about 4 years I began to realise it wasn't for me... then I fell for someone else (didn't act on it). There was an awful period of a few months where I was desperately scrabbling around trying to make it work even though my heart wasn't in it, and trying not to let on that things were going wrong. One night in bed, I had this overwhelming urge to fantasise about the other guy while having sex with my partner. I managed to shut down the urge, think of nothing, stare at the ceiling and say to myself "I'll fake it at the appropriate moment..." Then despite being totally emotionally disconnected from events, and having forced my mind to go blank, I orgasmed anyway - ironically, one of only two vaginal orgasms I have ever had in my whole life. Your body does what it does sometimes, regardless of what your mind thinks about it.