Is it still rape if I had an orgasm? - triggers

[wanttoleavethepastbehindme]

I'm struggling a bit thinking of a past relationship. I'm ok, but really want to put this behind me once and for all.

With this guy when we had sex sometimes he would force me into anal sex. Force as in I had no choice and couldn't get away, he'd start very gradually with a finger and work his way up, but not force as in brutally hurt me. It hurt only slightly and just had that odd pressure feeling of anal sex but then by the end I'd have an orgasm.

I didn't want it and would be saying no but my body still had an orgasm at these times, so what does that mean? The orgasms felt physically good but had a lot of shame and embarrassment and felt sick afterwards. I still have to work hard today at having sex without feeling shame.

If I let it, shame and anal sex would be a massive turn on for me, but I try to just let the fantasies pass and not judge myself too much for them. However, I wish they would just go away.

Was this rape or assault really, or not, because it did give me (unwanted) orgasms?

Well obviously i still do

They might not judge me "professionally" but I can't bear the idea of sitting face to face with somebody who will be secretly appalled. This is why I'm better off figuring out a way forward by myself.

I'm sorry to all those I upset with my distasteful personal experience.

Thank you very much to the people who do believe me. That means a lot, I am very grateful for your kindness.

Believe you too.

Sadly there are many trolls who think it's funny to yeh......

OP. I watched a programme once where they were discussing rape. There was a man who was discussing how ashamed he felt because he was turned on when he was raped, but it was a natural reaction his body had to what was going on that he couldn't control. After much therapy he could deal with it now, but it took a long time. I really hope you can get there too.

I didn't meant to say that the fact that your orgasmed was awful.

It was awful that your ex felt like like it was ok (?) to do this,

Sorry, I'm probably being insensitive.

I just meant to say that people were probably hoping you were a troll because that would have meant that your ex did not rape you.
And I'll shut up. Sorry.

But I can assure you that a professional won't judge you. I was sexually assaulted (several times) when I was a teen/young adult and my therapist was really great.

Ah, I'm so sorry! There are people who come on here hoping to cause excitement and trouble by posting sensitive things. Some of them are journalists. I think some people are so alert to this that some genuine posts get investigated too.

Please don't let it put you off seeking help. In RL, counsellors are trained and will know how to help.

Definitely rape. As others have said an orgasm is a biological response. I wish I knew how to do the bouquet emoji for you. Nurture yourself and be kind to yourself you went through an intolerable trauma. Put all those horrible thoughts relating to shame and guilt away for ever. Your disgusting ex is a violent sexual abuser and God help all those unlucky to have anything to do with him. The guilt and shame is his alone.

I believe you.

I'm sorry he raped you, you are not to blame and have nothing to be ashamed for. I hope you find peace whatever you decide to do. Counsellors will not be as judgmental as the people who reported your thread, please don't let that you stop seeking help if that's what you want to do, do you have a close friend irl who you could speak to? The women here are brilliant but a real life friend could be very supportive too, totally understand if you don't want to tell anyone though.

I believe you too, OP.

As others have said, orgasm is a biological response - stimulate the relevant parts of the anatomy and it will happen in a lot of people. It has nothing to do with whether the sex was wanted.

Also, don't beat yourself up over your fantasies, or feel guilty about them. I've talked to several rape survivors for whom this is part of their way of processing matters - working it through in their minds where the scenario can become something they, rather than their rapist, control. By all means make the conscious decision that this is somewhere you don't want to go to, and decide not to go with those fantasies, but instead to resist them, and maybe "deprogramme" yourself to turn your sexual fantasies in other, more consensual directions. But don't beat yourself up over those fleeting moments where they surface before you can squash them. The subconscious does whatever it needs to to try to get by in life.

I believed you and am very sorry that you were violated in this way. I hope you to seek help so that you don't carry the trauma of this through the rest of your life.

want I believe you too.
And yes it was rape. And yes you can have an orgasm when you are raped (just as you can get wet too - I know some people seem to think that it's a sign that deep down you actually wanted to have sex ).

Please don't have Ny hesitation about going to see rape crisis or a good counsellor. These people will NOT be judging you or be 'secretly appalled', no more than anyone on this thread has.
And that is because their training means that they will have learnt about biological reactions and the like no what rape IS? But also because they will have had lots of people in front of them who will have experienced the same thing (as in orgasm during rape) so the only thing they will be appauled about the behaviour of that man.

A good friend of mine went to get support from Rape Crisis and had counselling. She found their support excellent.

I believe you.

What happened to you was terrible and not your fault. It doesn't matter how your body reacted, it was still rape.

It is his shame, not yours.

I believe you op. I agree about seeking help etc, people will believe you. I am so sorry that you have had to experience this.

Believe you. I have read that when you fantasize you inhabit the roles of all the characters so as a previous poster said, it is probably a way of processing the experience by putting yourself in control.

Ignore annabanana. Wind up merchant or doesn't get out much.

anna

So completely unhelpful and shitty that i have reported you

Yeah Anna I know I'm a complete fuck up! I don't know why I didn't do something ANYTHING different just to get away and change what happened I didn't feel like I could but obviously I was too weak and screwed up and SHOULD HAVE.

Ignore anna!!!!

Want, I believe you.

Please ignore Anna's victim blaming shit. I have reported her post.

I don't think this thread was reported because what you've posted is shocking (as in it's terrible/shocking that you orgasmed). I think it was simply reported because so many trolls post about having been through horrific things so other posters are always wary of that.

Op the reports were by people who have probably seen some things on here that were not genuine. They may also have reported being concerned you may not receive appropriate advice. Professionals are completely different to faceless words on a forum. Please don't let that put you off talking to a proffesional, your post had me feeling horrified for you and I'm sure that's the same for the majority of readers. Please don't feel ashamed and as others have said your body can produce a physiological response very different from your psychological feelings. Much love

annabanana23- oh honestly, fuck off. Don't be so fucking insensitive. You know nothing at all about rape or assault, clearly, and you're deliberately making the OP feel even worse than she already does. What a vile thing to day.

OP - yes, that is rape. Your body's response has nothing to with it. There are so many complexities to a situation like this and it can really mess with your head, so please, please, please don't feel guilty or weak. You are neither of those things. You have done nothing wrong. You are not 'a complete fuck-up'.

Regarding fantasies about what happened to you, that can also be a surprisingly common reaction among people who have had experiences like yours and is, obviously, distressing - I used to have a male friend who was abused by another man when he was young (a man who subsequently went to prison for offences against a number of other boys) and his reaction was quite similar to yours.

I'm really sorry you had to go through this, and I definitely think some counselling would help you, as others have suggested. Take care xxx

For the question in hand, if you had an orgasm or not is irrelevant. It all comes down to consent. If you didn't want the sex to happen and he forced it upon you then its rape, simple as that.