Dp paying for porn

[Namechange26]

Nc for this. I've found out dp has signed up for a website where you pay money each month to view a girls private blog where she posts porn and naked photos.

I know that he watches porn and I have no issue with this, but something about the idea of him paying for it doesn't sit right with me. We have a fairly active sex life and have no issues with our relationship.

Would you view this the same way as watching regular porn and I'm just overreacting? There is no interaction between them as far as I can tell so it's not like he's talking to other girls behind my back.

he's paying to wank off and ejaculate while looking at close ups of a woman's vagina.

Hey, that's not fair. We're meant to take the line that women do this too, all the time, it's totally brilliant to use joint money for this, and the only objectionable thing about this fella is that he lied, briefly.

Oh, if only he'd told the truth, she could have got a subscription out too.

I'm going to put my personal story out there for you to read OP, take it as you will.

Around a year and a half ago I discovered my partner was watching porn, and paying for it too. He was doing this rather than coming to bed, showing me attention or having sex. This massively affected my self esteem and happiness.

We entered into a cycle of him lying - me finding out - him lying - me finding out. Eventually he stopped watching it and paying (to my knowledge), but all of my trust and respect for him as a person had gone. He then substituted the typical 'porn' for women on Facebook and Instagram, but by that point I had stopped caring.

We've recently decided to split up, I just never saw him in the same way again. And I never felt like I was truly good enough or attractive enough for him.

I now personally wouldn't date a man who watched porn whilst in a relationship with me. I find it hurtful and disrespectful, and I can't understand why anyone would need to look and masturbate over other women.

Again this is just my personal story and opinions. I hope it works out for you OP.

Oh and just to add I was never vehemently against porn before we got together either, if anything I was indifferent to it.

It was only after I saw the destruction it can cause to a relationship that I started to dislike it, hence why I wouldn't date another man who watched it.

I totally understand why. I need to work out whether I can move past the lying and trust issues and we can rebuild them, but it's not looking hopeful so far. We've not really spoke all day and it's just an awkward atmosphere. We have a baby together as well and I don't want to go away and take her away from him for a couple of days because it's not fair on him.

I really feel for you name. This mirrors my situation very closely. I haven't got any really good advice about regaining trust, unfortunately. (In fact, the distrust is ongoing atm with my OH, but I just can't seem to help myself, as nothing is resolved because of his previous dishonesty.) I have just downloaded 'Not just friends' by Dr Shirley Glass, as a recommendation for something related to our trust issues, I think it has a section on rebuilding trust. Although it is more for infidelity issues, it might be useful for you too? Maybe someone else can comment on this??

Me and my ex have a son together too. My son was 8 months old when I first found out about all the porn usage. He's now 2 and I thought it was better to end things now whilst he is still young enough to not really understand.

Only you can decide whether you can move past the lying and trust issues. I tried for over a year but I just didn't see him in the same way. And no amount of apologising or trying to rebuild could fix that. I felt almost like I didn't know him anymore, like he was a completely different person.

I think you saying not fair on him if you take baby away. Well how about not fair on you to break your trust? Please do not stay with someone for the sake of a child. That does not a happy family make.

sorry - not fair on him to break your trust

If my other half did this i would end it no question about it

Paying a girl to behave in a sexual way for him is cheating.
It is cheating if within the boundaries of that relationship it is considered cheating. All relationships can set their own boundaries. If that is acceptable within the relationship then it is not cheating.
It doesn't sound like he was paying her to do specific things for him, he was paying to access a paid site. If porn had previously been accepted within the relationship and he was allowed to spend some money without checking with her, then he hasn't done anything that was outside previously agreed boundaries. The problem is he lied about it and went on to deny it. That indicates that he knew she wouldn't like it.

This would be a deal breaker for me too, I am anti porn in general but paying for it (and using family money to do so) just seems worse, more personal and an indicator of some sort of addiction. After all, why would he need to pay for it when there is so much free stuff a click away?

I am COMPLETELY with IsabellaTrout on this I have had similar experience and am currently going through it right now. My DH was caught using porn years ago with the computer history. I was naive back then and totally had no idea, but it made sense the many late nights not coming to bed together and lots of DH falling asleep on the sofa etc but it was the lying and cover up and aggressive denial and reaction that was disturbing, apart from my noting the porn was accessed every time the minute I left the house and days when he was looking after DD while I was at work, this repulsed me. We put it behind us but he just got more careful I think. Fast forward to the last year I discovered messages from women of different races/cultures and lots of messages some from other countries and couldn't understand why until I created a fake profile on Match and he eventually popped up with a full profile (all happened after he took contract work that he's away in the week). I approached him and again the aggressive reaction and nearly split after falling out for a few days. I've been watching since and again he closed his match profile but just seems more sneaky at hiding it, I have just days ago discovered a message that I traced to a sex worker on AdultWork.com. Shocked again (don't know why)....but my point is the porn started the insatiable desire for more and more - live chat and live video feeds now have led to more curiosity and now it looks like he has paid and met with a sex worker. They pick their size, hair, type, activities they prefer, fetishes and price. He picked someone MUCH older than me and I can't get my head around it. He seems to have set up a private anonymous online payment website and an account. Great lengths. No action in our bed for several months BTW and also not even been to bed at weekends for 6-8 weeks. Sickens me to my stomach. Have to decide WHEN to exit as I will never see him the same way and my self esteem is in tatters along with my heart! So decide now or put a stop to it now. It's a slippery slope.

An interesting thread.

Most heterosexual men like looking at good looking women - always have and always will. It doesn't mean they don't love their partners (or love them less). It's how most men's brains are wired.

I think it's totally unrealistic to expect the majority of attached' men not to look at other women in a sexual way - it's not going to happen. Just as attached women will look at handsome men. Virtually every heterosexual teenage boy since the dawn of humanity has had a cache of porn mags stored hidden under their bed. That's not going to change for many males once they're in a relationship (whether it should is a different question). Most men wouldn't broadcast the fact they're viewing porn - everyone knows that's what private web browsers were developed for.

Going back to the OP's question: paying to watch porn is, in essence, the same as watching free porn but, as others have said, there's so much free stuff on the internet then there's no need to pay. However, maybe the OP's DP has a 'favourite' exotic dancer / porn star who has her own chargeable content. Saying that, the content can (I guess) be copied on to free sites.

Cheers.

Oh gee, thanks for the profound and scientific insights on the wiring of men's brains.

Of course everyone looks, most of us will go to a bar and have a laugh with our friends about how good looking Tom Hardy is

However for me there is a big difference between having a cheeky look every now and again, and watching pornography on a regular basis. It takes attention away from your partner, your family, productive activities etc.

Furthermore, if there really was nothing to feel guilty about then why do so many men choose to lie about it as the OP's partner has done?

I don't want to turn this into a personal opinions thread because ultimately only the OP can decide whether she is happy with this behaviour. I can only speak for myself when I say for my relationship it was a slippery downhill slope. I just couldn't forgive my partner for taking time away from our relationship to focus it on other women (which is how I viewed it). Also for lying continuously, that's the worst part, and lots of studies have shown that pornography is addictive hence why so many men 'can't seem to resist' and lie about it.

This isn't about natural 'looking' at attractive people which all of us do. This is about lying and deceit in a relationship.

If OP isn't ok with it then she doesn't have to put up with it. Doesn't matter what anyone else thinks, it's not their relationship.

I love the way - I don't like DP lying to me and secretly paying family money to view the fanny of his favourite 'exotic dancer' has become it's totally unrealistic to expect the majority of attached' men not to look at other women in a sexual way.

Good work, InfoFreako.

Paying for porn isn't any different to paying for TV. In fact you should be paying for porn and not use illegal sites, as it means the actors get paid fairly for their work. Having said this, however, it's clear that you are uncomfortable with this so you need to talk it out with your dh.

Lots of different issues at play here.

DP obviously embarrassed he'd been caught with his pants down, so to speak and tried to BS his way out of situation (which a lot of men would do) until evidence became irrefutable.

DailyFail1 - I agree viewing copyrighted material is illegal and DP should be paying for his viewing pleasure.

I had no idea who Tom Hardy was and had to Google him - I'm presuming he's no relation to Oliver.

I hope the OP can reach a happy ending.

Cheers.

It's sad that so many women have no issues with it. Porn is linked to sex trafficking and prostitution.

Trafficked victims become the subjects for pornographic videos and pictures, whether they like it or not, for your DP's viewing pleasure.

That free porn has a high cost for the exploited women.

Its a really good question this. It tests the strength of the 'porn is bad because the industry's financial beneficiaries are men' argument

I didn't know that was the argument against porn personally. Living in a country where young girls are being kidnapped on a daily basis to feed the porn industry, I wouldn't expect anything good of a man whose pleasure was derived from that industry.

As for Most heterosexual men like looking at good looking women. Why don't they buy Vogue then, if that is what it is about. Or even magazines with nudey photos?

Wow I wasn't expecting such a response to this. Interesting to read everyone's opinions and all advice has been appreciated.

I've decided to give him another chance, but have stated that I do not want him to go back on the private porn sites and if he lies to my face again, I will leave. I know not everyone will agree with my decision, but I'm happy with my decision and that's the main thing.

You sound strong and content with your decision- good for you- a line has been drawn in the sand (?) that sounds sensible.

OP I really wish this was the end of it for you but it won't be sadly.

Three months, six months, a year from now you'll uncover something else he's doing. Men that start out this way push the boundaries further and further and sadly you'll just bend and change to suit his behaviour until one day you don't even know what you think any more.

I wish so much more for you X