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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Dp paying for porn

145 replies

Namechange26 · 28/12/2016 22:44

Nc for this. I've found out dp has signed up for a website where you pay money each month to view a girls private blog where she posts porn and naked photos.

I know that he watches porn and I have no issue with this, but something about the idea of him paying for it doesn't sit right with me. We have a fairly active sex life and have no issues with our relationship.

Would you view this the same way as watching regular porn and I'm just overreacting? There is no interaction between them as far as I can tell so it's not like he's talking to other girls behind my back.

OP posts:
RandomMcRandomer · 31/12/2016 10:33

The only plus point is that It's less likely to be a terrified and trafficked woman if it's someone with her own website who frequently updates. The chances are higher that it's someone who wants to do it because they see it as easy money and are tech savvy enough to do it themselves (or with a little help from a camera/tech person.

However the fact it's one girl rather than random people also makes it more personal.

The lying is the worst part to me. Why lie? You did a stupid thing just own it, explain it and apologise ffs. Don't wiggle and lie until the absolute last second the evidence is put in front of you. I think that lie would tell me all I needed to know. If it wasn't a big deal why lie until you couldn't lie anymore?

Original poster
Namechange26 · 31/12/2016 10:35

I just don't know what to do. I think he half expected me to wake up this morning and all would be OK, but it's not. A big part of me wants to just move on from all this, but if I allow this then what will be the next lie?

OP posts:
Fedupofhim · 31/12/2016 10:39

I hate to say it but be wary of chat/dating sites?

HeavenlyEyes · 31/12/2016 10:40

as if porn use isn't bad enough, but paying someone and then lying too. Don't you deserve better than this? What else has he lied about And paying some girl - well that is pretty grim don't you think?

MyWineTime · 31/12/2016 10:51

You are clearly and understandably very upset about this.
I don't think you have to make an immediate decision, you can tell him that this is a big problem and you need some time to consider what you want to do.

harryblackberry · 31/12/2016 10:51

Poor you. OP how would your husband feel if you were paying to watch a specific man play with himself?

Fairenuff · 31/12/2016 11:08

How far does he have to push your boundaries until you see sense?

Paying a girl to behave in a sexual way for him is cheating. Or are you one of those who thinks anything up to PIV is not cheating?

Scrubbles · 31/12/2016 11:20

I really think all this talk of "paying some girl" is misunderstanding what he's paying for. It doesn't sound like one on one interaction but just signing up to a porn star's website. It's understandable that those who disapprove of all porn don't know what they're talking about - they don't want to know and that's their right and prerogative. But the fact remains they don't know what they're talking about or the distinction between a porn star's paysite and a cam chat/ one on one interaction type deal. So there's that.

But also as the OP has made quite clear, it's more the lying than the thing itself, which should be the thing we're focusing on.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 31/12/2016 11:21

What am I misunderstanding, Scrubbles?

Fedupofhim · 31/12/2016 11:31

Watching this shit behind your partners back whether interactive or not means your not exclusively giving your attention to your partner. It's cheating.

Ilovecaindingle · 31/12/2016 11:35

Maybe tell him if he has spare cash he should be investing that money and his time into his marriage. He has overstepped the boundaries imo. And the lying alone would have finished it for me. . That is taking the piss and treating you like a fool.

Scrubbles · 31/12/2016 11:35

Well, fedup, that's your view but you understand it's not everybody's, right?

Joysmum · 31/12/2016 11:36

Watching this shit behind your partners back whether interactive or not means your not exclusively giving your attention to your partner. It's cheating

Actually what's cheating is breaking the boundary es of the relationship you are in. Cheating for one couple isn't cheating for another so stop projecting.

birdybirdywoofwoof · 31/12/2016 11:37

Some women like their partners to spend time and money looking at another woman's fanny?

Things have changed a lot since I was young, I guess.

Scrubbles · 31/12/2016 11:38

Exactly joysmum.

Fedupofhim · 31/12/2016 11:41

Scrubbles, if it's behind your partners back I would say. . I understand that people do accept this in there relationship without any qualms.

Scrubbles · 31/12/2016 11:43

Yes and that's why I've said it's not the porn but the lying.

Scrubbles · 31/12/2016 11:44

birdy without wishing to shock you, some women in relationships like looking at other naked men and women too.

Fedupofhim · 31/12/2016 11:44

Which I did say behind your partners back in the first place, so who's projecting? Is this not a discussion?

Scrubbles · 31/12/2016 11:45

But as I've repeatedly said, the lying and the overstepping of agreed relationship boundaries is the issue here. Our own attitudes to porn shouldn't even be relevant. People think about it differently.

scaryclown · 31/12/2016 11:49

Its a really good question this. It tests the strength of the 'porn is bad because the industry's financial beneficiaries are men' argument.

In theory its more ethical and more respectful to the performer than watching free stuff where there is no transaction, other than a chain of beneficiaries that arent the perforners.

Of course its not guaranteed that the money goes to the women performing here either but it could be his intention to be a 'nice' consumer.

Of course akl that relies on the narrative that women in the industry are naive little flowers buffetted by the incredibly knowledgable and powerful men who run eberything.. a bit like the idea that women do admin but arent real business leaders that perpetuates feminist narratives as well as chauvinistic ones.

I agree though that it feels more personal even though essentially it is less personal than someone sending pics for free...which perversely sometimes seems more ethical..

IYpu know your DP better to kmow if he is trying to be nuce, or more personally exploitative/personal. I would be asking him that type of question eager than trying to work it out and present him with what you think he thinks

Fedupofhim · 31/12/2016 11:53

Yes, but specifically to the op's situation why would he be lying if all was 'cool'.

Fedupofhim · 31/12/2016 11:56

Good post scaryclowm

namechange102 · 31/12/2016 12:05

Good grief scary, I very much doubt anyone who pays for porn like this is doing it to be nice! Or even less exploitative with the 'performer'. (is that what you were saying, or did I misunderstand?)

snapcrap · 31/12/2016 12:13

Can we all stop saying 'paying to look at another woman' - he's paying to wank off and ejaculate while looking at close ups of a woman's vagina.

scaryclown do you really think he analysed the ethics of watching this kind of porn? Because I don't.