Husbands not come home - not answering phone

[unicornpoopoop]

Husband went out last night. Still not home. Not answering his phone or texts. Now what? Just wait and get increasingly stressed out/pissed off...?

[KeptOnRaining]

It's deplorable behaviour any way, but when he knows you have anxiety due to a prior traumatic event (💐) it's beyond that. It really does go into the 'Why am I with him? Is this a deal breaker for me?' territory.

Life as a single parent is easier than life with an inconsiderate wanker.

[unicornpoopoop]

Thepeopleschamp - no that wasn't aimed any anyone here. I meant why would they say it in the text. He's absolutely an arse!

[ThePeoplesChamp]

noelheadbands ..... apologies, a bit overly invested in how badly OP has been treated

[mansviewpoint]

Sorry to hear that your partner is missing. However I have purposefully just created an account on here, because your relationship sounds extremely familiar to my sister and her now Ex Husband. She has various anxieties, again due to the past, and those anxieties should never be under played. If your partner is basically doing a "I'm having a good time, sod her, It's christmas" then that's far far worse than the "locked in the cells" which is the most likely other explanation. The fact that your partner had to even say "I'm going to make an effort" is just part of the role play a teenager does to try to get reward. A true partner wouldn't say it, but just do it, and hope that you noticed. Remember with the anxiety, to tell yourself, what's the worse case, what's the best case, and what's the most likely. And remember to say the worse case is a 1 in a million, the best case is 1 in 1000 and the most likely is the 1 in 2. If something serious had happened, he has ID, that's got your address and the police would have been around to help you get to the hospital. If your partner has just lost his phone, and can't remember your mobile number or your land line and didn't want to disturb you, and is just having a late sleep in over at his friends then that sounds most likely then, and the best case, frankly, is that he was visited by the ghosts of christmas, and he's realised that although he has hair downstairs, he's now got to start acting like an adult and giving a crap about the woman he says he loves.

[KeptOnRaining]

I'd need to know the person sending the text to know whether I'd think they're lying about the 'no women' or not. Some people it would make me instantly know there was a woman and others I'd know there wasn't. You know the friend, what do you think?

But either way, you're right, he doesn't give a shit :(. Think very hard about that & what you want from your life. (hug)

[whyohwhy000]

mansviewpoint Have you RTFT? OP's DH isn't missing, he's sleeping on someone's sofa.

[MaisieDotes]

It's ok OP I knew you didn't mean it like that.

Sorry this is happening.

[TrippyMcTrapFace]

OP it was clear to me what you meant.
What a shit situation.

[unicornpoopoop]

Manspoint - thank you for writing that to me

I do feel he's playing on my anxiety as its only recently that I opened up to how bad it actually is. I try my best to keep it together as much as possible and it's just a little communication I need to get through it.

[unicornpoopoop]

kepton - it's his friends mum that text me... I've met her - she's lovely... Wouldn't put it past her to lie out of loyalty to my husband though...

Or it could just be her knowing what I would be thinking and trying to put my mind at ease... And failing lol...

[midsummabreak]

Sorry you are going through this. He is clearly not deserving of you, and it sounds like time to distance yourself from him. I smell a dirty rat. (Leave him a big chunk of cheese!) then please cancel playdate and the mum will understand when you explain you are not up to it due to unforseen circumstances. Or another option but only if you feel OK ,can you take the children to soft play or somewhere together with other parent and their child for an hour or so? Then go to a friend/relatives to stay for the day?

[ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets]

Pack his bag and leave it on the doorstep for him to collect when he comes back.

What the fuck is wrong with these men?
He thinks he can just swan in whenever he likes and that you'll just accept it.

I'd be tempted to text him back and tell him the police are looking for him.

[OnMountains]

unicornpoopoop

Perhaps she wrote that because she thought that's what she would be thinking in that situation?

I am sorry your DH has behaved in this way. I hope he apologises and improves his behaviour in the future.

[Lynnm63]

I'm so sorry op, good men don't pull these stunts especially as you have anxiety from previous trauma. He's an inconsiderate arse. Good guys don't feel the need to tell you their going to be good, no one past their teens feels the need to tell you that.
What does he bring to your life?
He thinks so little of you and cares about how this will make you feel to even send a text saying I might stay over at X's house if I'm not home by xxtime. That's all it would have taken not yo have spoiled your day and worried you.

[WannaBe]

""All he's been going on about for a week is making this the best xmas ever for me and making a huge effort to make me happy... Well that lasted long"" sounds like guilt talking there. I wonder what he has to feel guilty about?

As for the mate confirming he's on their sofa and there isn't another woman, I'd be wondering whether the mate was even out with him last night and whether he's actually just been used to provide an alibi for the fact he's out with another woman and has spent the night.

I'd be inclined to ring the mate now and demand to speak to him. Say it's urgent - something has come up at home and you need to speak to him urgently. if he's there then the mate will have no issue with putting him on the phone. But I'd bet money that he isn't.

[unicornpoopoop]

Honestly I think this is the final straw in a long line of events... I'm not in a position to leave right now though, I need to make sure I have everything planned and my finances sorted...

Sons friend is here now. Not sure I have it in me to take them all out, il see if I can clean myself up abit first.

Il let you all know what happens when he finally comes home

[mansviewpoint]

whyohwhy000 - Yes. Sorry you are quite right. As I said in my post, it's the first time on here, and being a newbie and let's face it, a man who never can find anything even when it's right in front of me. I didn't notice there was more than one page, so I was just reading the first page, and it wasn't until the later pages, did it mention the good news.
I actually came on mumsnet to look for something for me and my neices to do today, and happened to see this thread, and thought.. that's familiar.....

[mansviewpoint]

Unicornpoopoop - If you do decide to leave, I would like to suggest to you that you actually come up with a date of when you are to leave him first, it's bad when you have to say to yourself, well I'll put up with this until June for the sake of..... Money, Kids, Ease. I know this isn't emotionally going to be easy, but the alternative, is that you'll basically be planning to leave, but never leave. It will never be the right time because of finances, and there will always be the excuse of "in a couple of months....".
Obviously as well, talk to your GP about this, realise that you will need some additional support from any anti-anxiety drugs that you take, realise that it will be a stressfilled and anxious time.
Of course if you decide not to leave, then I wish you the best and would suggest trying to get that idiot partner of yours to agree to some help with his lack of empathy, perhaps marriage support (In my view, please don't choose Relate).

[TheoriginalLEM]

Peoples champ, I think the OP meant, why would you say "no women"

Either the person is a twat and automatically thinks you (op) are suspicious - although this could be a reflection on how he talks about you.

They are having a joke

He is with another woman and the person has provided a cover

He has no clue where he is has assumed he is with a woman and providing cover.

Totally out of order - well, at least you can stop worrying and go out and enjoy your day. I'd be inclined to deadlock the door.

[TheoriginalLEM]

Oh, and i'd do what wannabe says. If he says "oh I'll get him to call you" then you know he isn't there. Sounds irrelevant though, this would be a deal breaker for me.

[WhatLizzyDid]

My heart goes out to you OP. My ex was like this - always prioritising himself and his drink/drugs/friends over me and our ds. Stayed out all night on more than one occasion. The police laughed in my face when I rang them to check "does he do this often, love?". The hospitals were more sympathetic but I could tell what they were thinking. It's so humiliating and you DEFINITELY deserve much, much better. Say strong

[KeptOnRaining]

I think as it's the mates Mum & she's lovely, she probably was trying to reassure you, guessing you'd be thinking the worst.

However, I think you are at the 'straw that broke the camels back' stage anyway and even without another woman involved this is more than enough to be done with him.

Set a date or circumstance that is reasonable and do it. Don't be like my friend, still there years & years later talking about leaving...time & time again, but it's never a 'good time'

[Gallavich]

Why didn't the friend's mum wake him up? And how old are they that his friend's mum is there anyway?