Husbands not come home - not answering phone

[unicornpoopoop]

Husband went out last night. Still not home. Not answering his phone or texts. Now what? Just wait and get increasingly stressed out/pissed off...?

[Pollyanna9]

I think there's a bit more to it than just this incident.

However, if OP doesn't want to be with someone who coke binges a couple of times a year, she doesn't have to be (as you've said).

I would say to OP if the rest of the relationship were so good that she wanted to work on this with him she could be waving goodbye to a good few years of her life as he goes off it, back on it, off it, back on it. I lost 5 yrs of my life with someone on this merry dance so it's a course of action to be incredibly cautious about. He certainly doesn't seem to have any remorse this fella so I can't imagine that working anyway.

Bumper I don't think you said if you have DC or not... OP does and all I can say is that in terms of social services, they see it in black and white - you keep a drug user in your house they would not be positive about it if they were ever involved.

You go out leaving your children in that person's care. You know they use cocaine. YOU know they're ok at the moment, not using etc. Do you know what they will describe that as "Left their children in the care of a known drug user". That's how inflexibly they view it and rightly so. For the sake of the DC for the use of drugs alone, she does need to ditch this man. Drug users tend to drag everyone else down with them - at some point and you never know when the use will increase and create an intolerable home life for all concerned.

[bumpertobumper]

If you are planning on leaving him just because of this, it is a massive life change to make on this, yes bad mistake he has made, but really worth leaving your relationship over...?
It all depends on the rest of your relationship. How is he the rest of the time? I have read most of the thread, but admittedly not all so sorry if I have missed something.

A lot of you would tell me to Ltb...
My DP has an issue with drinks, finds it hard to stop once he starts, it has led to big binge nights out with coccaine.
He doesn't make it home probably about twice a year, it used to be a bit more. Like yours, ends up at a mates house, too far gone to be able to face coming home and crash out on the sofa, or asleep on the night bus was a fave ( uber is brilliant for avoiding this eventuality).
He knows he has a problem with binging, has been to aa, counselling, therapy, is fine most of the time, then there will be another episode.

I am furious, he is guilty, apologetic, full of self loathing etc. And then we work through it. He makes an effort and is getting better...

However, I don't Ltb, because the rest of the time he is a wonderful supportive loving partner, a brilliant dad, works hard, does his fair share around the house, is devoted to me and our family.

I didn't read the full thread because the judgmental people saying you should leave him based on this one episode alone annoyed me, yes it is shitty behaviour, not ok, but there is a lot more to a life together.

If this is another thing on a list of things wrong with your relationship then by all means take stock and get out if that is the right thing to do.
If it is just this one bad night I suggest you have a think and take the mn ltb chorus with a pinch of salt...
Obviously I am biased, having chosen to stay in a relationship where this is a recurring thing, but it works for us.
Good luck op

[SouthPole]

Good luck OP.

Be brace and strong and savvy about your next move.

Remember you are in the right here. You are the bigger and better person and the better partner and parent.

[Pollyanna9]

Nope, no screaming.

Just a lot of sensible posts confirming that getting out is going to be the right course of action, and that it would be best for her to take some time (but not too much!!) getting a little bit organised before she does so.

[AnyFucker]

Screaming ? Nobody is "screaming". How reactionary.

[Sugarpiehoneyeye]

Unicorn, you sound wised up, get your ducks in a row, and away you go.
You and your DC, deserve so much more.
I've worn the shoes that you are now wearing. You are doing the right thing.

[Chelazla]

I agree I wonder how many ppl screaming chuck him out immediately would follow their own advice? Apart from the financial side it's your kids father and always hard good luck op

[Pollyanna9]

Good for you Unicorn - you'll get there. One step at a time and slowly slowly catchy monkey.

Get your ducks in a row and then leave on your terms when you've got it all sorted out.

[clementineorange]

OP, ignore posters telling you what to do. They don't know your DH or you, only this snapshot. I hope you are able to do what is right and best for you and your family

[unicornpoopoop]

Thanks everyone for your support.

I get that a lot of you think I should kick him straight out and be done with it but unfortunately it's not as easy as that for me.

I always make sure I've organised everything before making a big change. I owe it to my kids to ensure I can afford it.

We're not a high income anyway so child maintenance would do little to help. I need a job... And a plan...

I've spend some time with friends today which was nice and for now I'm going to emotionally detach myself until the time is right

[myoriginal3]

Is it any skin off your nose if she doesn't?

[WetsTheFinger]

She won't leave him

[peanut2017]

Agree with Pollyanna you can't just kick him out now, there is more to think about to put in place for you and the kids before you make this decision. Plan it out what you need to do, the job like you mentioned etc and who can support you.

[Pollyanna9]

OP is right. She needs to play it cool, sort herself out with work and any other stuff that she needs to get sorted before she goes her separate way from this pillock.

I had a DP who was on the coke. If they want to give it up they'll do it all on their own - he never did. He's properly throwing his toys out the pram because he's been called on acting irresponsibly and without any thought for anyone else and so is blame-shifting to OP.

But OP is entirely correct in the need to line up all of the ducks before she does anything in haste.

Whether he was on drugs, drink only or both - his behaviour was appalling, but in respect of the drugs, having him around the children when he's coming down from a coke binge (if that's what it was) is nothing something OP will want to repeat.

I think everyone is entitled to have a blowout a couple of times a year (for me that doesn't involve drugs) but you know, if I was going out I'd say right, I'll do you a final text at 11pm and you won't hear from me after that but I am sticking with my friends, we are all getting a taxi together at the end of the night to XXs house and I'l be sleeping there and will ring you in the morning. I wouldn't just disappear off for nearly an entire day and then be a twat about it when I got back in.

He does sound like a petulant child.

[rainbowstardrops]

I hope you've prodded the selfish dick with a sharp stick this morning and told him to fuck the fuck off?

[WhatLizzyDid]

How are things today unicorn ? Hope you have had a good night's rest.

[MagicChicken]

I agree South

Just horrible. What a selfish, arrogant self absorbed arse. And what a great father.

[SouthPole]

This has coke binge written all over it OP.

[laurenandsophie]

OP, my sympathies.
Sounds like an ex of mine. Wasted too many years going through this exact same scenario - he was usually drug-affected as well as drunk. Thankfully we had no children.
I hope you find a job and IRL support soon and can make plans for yourself and your DCs.

[MagicChicken]

He wanted to go out on Christmas Eve, with a five year old at home?
Some Christmas morning that would have been.

[Daisyfrumps]

It was so obvious from the start that the OP had no intention of actually leaving this idiot. Why is that op?

She wants to find a new job first:

My main problem is that I was on maternity leave and 2 months ago gave my notice in so I could stay at home with baby for a while longer. I need to find a new job before I do anything rash.

[MsPavlichenko]

The first time my XH pulled the all nighter I was pregnant with my DS, who is now 25. He continued with it. I don't think it was AW just selfish drunkenness.

I went from anxiety to not giving a fuck. Anxious about leaving as my DS is severely disabled. As I anticipated XH was a prick, controlling and abusive and stopping financial support. But, best thing I ever did leaving him , was all better almost immediately, and ten years on happier than could have imagined. Don't be a mug, get your life back,

[cloudchasing]

This has drugs binge written all over it. I don't believe he was asleep all that time today, I think they had a little after party, personally.

Normally I don't advocate the LTB thing unless there's really good reason, but this is one.

Utterly selfish and would rather walk out on his family than admit he was wrong. But obviously he needed a good night's sleep before he fucks off

Bin him off. Nothing but more of the same ahead otherwise.

[riceuten]

Stop trying to blame yourself here ! He is the one at fault here.

[Frankelly66]

Hi unicorn, how's things going now? I know it's so easy for everyone to say leave him but with two young children it really isn't that easy. My boyfriend is pretty immature and still loves his almost daily drinking but I know where he is and who he is with and he's usually home by 7pm (we don't have kids) but I think difference is, all of that is his choices. He comes home at that time because he wants to, not because he's been told to and I'm willing to accept it as long as he's not wasted as he's so good to me in other ways. That's his only 'downfall' in my opinion.

I think your boyfriend was deliberately being difficult, I think he is probably retaliating against his family life. Lots of men find it difficult and the responsibilities difficult. i think you need to look into this side of things to find your answers. Perhaps each week you could alternate , one has the kids and the other goes out? But not a repeat of last night of course.

(He is still a massive thunder cunt tho as I saw someone post lol I'm just trying to be more realistic here) xxx