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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Sigh, can't believe I'm doing this.

126 replies

user1482775337 · 26/12/2016 21:33

First things first, I'm an avid user of this site, had to use a different username to not let people know this is all from me,

Well, where do I begin,

I'm a male! I guess that is a good start,

Well, 2016 has been another year of being nice to the wrong people, not getting anywhere with any female, being used for my good heart (Something that my male friends all agree on) still being single and getting hurt and jealous by everybody I know, as I don't see anybody else with this problem I have.

I fail to see where I'm going wrong, I start the conversation, listen, give advice, ask various questions (Just about their day etc, nothing personal or sexual) which somehow ends up with me being blanked and never spoken to again..

I don't mind listening to other people's problems and advising and helping, as it takes me away from the fact I'm pretty much failing to have a relationship,

I'm on Tinder and various other sites but I've come to notice, and read that its just on looks basis, nobody gives a damn about anything else, I've had a few matches, 3 were just scams telling me to sign up to a website for a "show" ... one was somebody just to take the piss.

At work, I do try to speak to females, but it just somehow ends up with me being insulted, like I literally just said "hello" which was met with a range of insults to "I wouldn't want to sleep with you even if you were the last guy on earth" to "I have better standards than you" .. all I said was Hello? I know I have barely any confidence, but that's taken a hell of a lot from me.

It's come down to the point that I've asked, (begged) for somebody to set me up with literally anybody, which again has been met with a sea of no's, even with the offer of money to help.

Honestly, I don't want much, just to be wanted and loved, so I feel valued, needed and not lonely. I don't know what else to do, going out on a night out is my last option but with who?

How has something so easy become so hard? Many of the people I know have cheated/are cheating on their partners, which gets me quite upset because I know deep down how happy I'd be for just one female to want me.

How can I grow in confidence when nobody wants to speak to me at all? It's effecting my day to day life, I have started to hate everything that can be associated with having a partner, for instance Christmas, giving gifts, buying her whatever she wanted, I want that.. yes I'm aware you will all think its stupid and pathetic.

There is so much I've not yet experienced, or done yet, I'm starting to believe there is really something wrong with me, it has to be the way I look because that's the first/only thing you'd know about me from the second we spoke.

I doubt anybody will get this far, but if you have thank you for listening to my rambling mess about how I've never had a relationship, and struggling to find a female just to speak to, let alone date.

I'm just a nice, quiet guy who will listen to anything you have to say, NEVER judge on anything, who will just do everything possible for you to smile,

Sigh, I can't believe my life has turned into this mess.

OP posts:
AnyFucker · 26/12/2016 21:38

I read your post and what screamed out to me is how much you think you are entitled to a "female" submitting to a relationship with you

PidgeyfinderGeneral · 26/12/2016 21:40

For a start, you should stop referring to women as 'females'. Honestly, it makes it sound like you think of us as some weird species.

MapMyMum · 26/12/2016 21:42

I don't want to sound mean but could you be coming across as a bit desperate? If by you just saying hello people are assuming you want to sleep with them, there must be something off somewhere

ScarletForYa · 26/12/2016 21:44

From how you describe the reactions people are giving you and what you've said you're coming across as very desperate.

Offering people money and begging to be set up with someone is just crazy behaviour. It's very off putting.

The desperation is reeking from your post. Saying you'd do anything to make someone smile and do anything and buy anything, well that's just not attractive.

You might be coming across as a pest and clingy.

Maudlinmaud · 26/12/2016 21:44

You asked/begged for your friends to set you up with anybody and they refused even when you offered money.
Why would you offer money? Xmas Confused

Archduke · 26/12/2016 21:45

How old are you OP and what do you look like? If you are a 50 yr old virgin and look my unshaven/unwashed neighbour (most) women just don't go for that.

madgingermunchkin · 26/12/2016 21:45

I'm going to be blunt, but this is meant constructively.

You come across as needy and desperate. How can you expect someone else to love and respect you, when you obviously don't love and respect yourself? No woman worth being with wants a lapdog/yes boy.

Join a gym, enjoy your hobbies. Stop looking for things to happen. Take a step back and learn to love yourself and the life you have.

You'll be surprised what comes your way when you least expect it.

Sassypants82 · 26/12/2016 21:48

Sounds like you're so desperate to find somebody, that you're turning women off. It's very obvious despite what you might think. My advice to you would be to broaden your circle by taking up an interest or hobby & discover what you like to do for yourself. Make some friends & the social side will follow. Don't be mistaken by thinking that a girlfriend would complete you.. You need to get yourself comfortable in your own skin no matter what. Good luck OP.

WellErrr · 26/12/2016 21:48

Do you have friends you can speak to about this? What do they think?

Cricrichan · 26/12/2016 21:48

What on earth are you saying to women that it ends up with you being insulted?? Or how are you saying it?

I'd set out to socialise more and broaden your friendship base or start a new hobby /class /sport. Be yourself, get to know people and like them for who they are. Get to know women naturally and without agenda and you'll more likely find someone you'll click with.

I've never done old but I'm guessing by its nature it's a lot more based on looks and first impressions than real life getting to know people .

doyouhearthesteepleping · 26/12/2016 21:50

Yes, 'females' is a bit reminiscent of the topless Dad from Friday Night Dinner.

I think what struck me most about your post is that you seem fixated on the idea of a relationship for a relationship's sake - you've 'begged' to be set up with 'literally anybody'. That feels like a bad starting point. I imagine that could come across and be very unattractive to the women you are interacting with.

Is it possible to just spend time doing things you enjoy? Make friends, do stuff, have a full life, build your self worth and confidence outside of the arena of dating. Perhaps you'll bump into women who have something in common with you?

JennyHolzersGhost · 26/12/2016 21:51

I'm afraid you are what I believe the young people call a Jemble.
Sorry OP. Focus on enjoying your life and your interests and stop the obsessive focus on women - also stop calling them 'females'.

Underthemoonlight · 26/12/2016 21:52

I had a lad who was extremely full on just like your op and it was extremely off putting.

timelytess · 26/12/2016 21:52

Focus on having a happy and interesting life. As soon as you get that sorted, you'll find they're all over you.

springydaffs · 26/12/2016 21:55

Entitled to a relationship?? I didn't read that into what you said at all, op.

But yes I do agree you need to relax and learn to be at home in your own skin first before you can forge a relationship with anyone else.

Yes it's hard when something so central doesn't seem to be working, or even getting off the ground. But back up a bit and don't take it so personally. Easy to say, I appreciate. Relationships aren't the big holy grail, they are an extension of a full life. If you're focusing on getting a 'female' you're making a woman sound like a rare jewel. We're pretty bog standard, just like you.

BastardGoDarkly · 26/12/2016 21:57

You said hello, and someone replied...i wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man alive?..... That's either bollocks, or you've made yourself known as a sex pest.

tinglyfing · 26/12/2016 21:58

The "females" thing.

Stop it.

AliceInUnderpants · 26/12/2016 22:00

What sort of insults are people giving you?

sorryoldwoman · 26/12/2016 22:00

Such good advice on here. I hope you follow it. People don't have to be good looking to be attractive. Following the advice given you will become a person others will be comfortable around. A " female " won't complete you you have to like yourself . Do you like yourself? Do you have a sister or brother who might be honest with you and tell you how you come across to people? I think your clueless but not hopeless.

lostincumbria · 26/12/2016 22:02

Dear God, man. How the hell are you saying "Hello" to colleagues to get those replies? I'd suggest taking the flower out of your mouth and pulling your pants up for a start.

PidgeyfinderGeneral · 26/12/2016 22:08

I'm sorry, OP, but you just come across as desperate and it's hugely off putting. Who offers people money to set them up with literally anyone?

springydaffs · 26/12/2016 22:14

Obviously, op does, Pidgey (hmm)

Let's lay off with the shame fest eh. Most of us have cringeable stuff going on in our lives. A bit of kindness wouldn't go amiss when someone has laid themselves bare.

Benedikte2 · 26/12/2016 22:16

Join a club. Don't expect to get a date but to learn how to converse in a relaxed and friendly way with any woman who will engage in conversation, no matter what her age or what she looks like.
When you feel ready move on to another social group where you may meet someone who would like to go for a coffee. Baby steps and don't come across as desperate or wanting a life long commitment.
Try to make good friendships with women (whether eligible or not). Maybe they can give you hints about your presentation. However don't rush this step or you'll come across as too needy.
Good luck

ZippyNeedsFeeding · 26/12/2016 22:24

It won't solve the problem on its own, but you mentioned being happy to listen and then give advice. Don't do that! Listening is good. Advice is bad unless asked for. Loads of men assume that a woman telling them her problems wants them to "fix" them for her, when the chances are she just wants a listening ear and some sympathy.

There are things you can do which will make you less lonely and thus less desperate. You could join a group like a church, book club, or craft group, or learn a new skill, help with homeless charities or befriending the elderly. Do something with your spare time that makes you feel good about yourself and takes you out to meet new people. It would probably be a good idea to give yourself a break from trying to find someone, so you can learn to relax a little.

Once you are ready, perhaps you could try online dating? Set yourself low goals (a date, rather than a life partner!) and see how it goes.

GinandTits · 26/12/2016 22:25

You sound desperate as fuck to be honest, I wouldn't be interested either.