Sigh, can't believe I'm doing this.

[user1482775337]

First things first, I'm an avid user of this site, had to use a different username to not let people know this is all from me,

Well, where do I begin,

I'm a male! I guess that is a good start,

Well, 2016 has been another year of being nice to the wrong people, not getting anywhere with any female, being used for my good heart (Something that my male friends all agree on) still being single and getting hurt and jealous by everybody I know, as I don't see anybody else with this problem I have.

I fail to see where I'm going wrong, I start the conversation, listen, give advice, ask various questions (Just about their day etc, nothing personal or sexual) which somehow ends up with me being blanked and never spoken to again..

I don't mind listening to other people's problems and advising and helping, as it takes me away from the fact I'm pretty much failing to have a relationship,

I'm on Tinder and various other sites but I've come to notice, and read that its just on looks basis, nobody gives a damn about anything else, I've had a few matches, 3 were just scams telling me to sign up to a website for a "show" ... one was somebody just to take the piss.

At work, I do try to speak to females, but it just somehow ends up with me being insulted, like I literally just said "hello" which was met with a range of insults to "I wouldn't want to sleep with you even if you were the last guy on earth" to "I have better standards than you" .. all I said was Hello? I know I have barely any confidence, but that's taken a hell of a lot from me.

It's come down to the point that I've asked, (begged) for somebody to set me up with literally anybody, which again has been met with a sea of no's, even with the offer of money to help.

Honestly, I don't want much, just to be wanted and loved, so I feel valued, needed and not lonely. I don't know what else to do, going out on a night out is my last option but with who?

How has something so easy become so hard? Many of the people I know have cheated/are cheating on their partners, which gets me quite upset because I know deep down how happy I'd be for just one female to want me.

How can I grow in confidence when nobody wants to speak to me at all? It's effecting my day to day life, I have started to hate everything that can be associated with having a partner, for instance Christmas, giving gifts, buying her whatever she wanted, I want that.. yes I'm aware you will all think its stupid and pathetic.

There is so much I've not yet experienced, or done yet, I'm starting to believe there is really something wrong with me, it has to be the way I look because that's the first/only thing you'd know about me from the second we spoke.

I doubt anybody will get this far, but if you have thank you for listening to my rambling mess about how I've never had a relationship, and struggling to find a female just to speak to, let alone date.

I'm just a nice, quiet guy who will listen to anything you have to say, NEVER judge on anything, who will just do everything possible for you to smile,

Sigh, I can't believe my life has turned into this mess.

I think people are being quite unnecessarily harsh OP! You sound genuine and quite sweet.

But PPs who talk about being comfortable in who you are and in your skin are quite right. You need to develop that confidence, whether through counselling or however. Saying you are prepared for a relationship with anyone betrays your lack of self-esteem.

You are worth more than that. You deserve to find someone special, not just anyone, but first you need to start valuing yourself and all that you have to offer. Please get help.

You're an avid user of this site? Really? I may be wrong, but that seems unusual. What do you use MN for, single man?

That aside, if you're genuine...

You need a hide like a rhino for OLD You may have to match a dozen frogs before you click with anyone. You maybe need to chill a little?

Are your photos awful? That is ALL anyone has to go on in terms of OLD. Show your photos to some friends, get some feedback,

And please don't offer money for help in being hooked up. You're turning your friends into pimps.

Hmm. It's not April 1st is it?

If you are an "avid reader" of this site, how come you lack so much understanding of interacting with women? There is no way saying "hello" so a woman would get such an adverse reaction unless something else is going on? I think you are being less than honest here.

If you are for real, well, most women do respond to confidence and you are clearly lacking that. Also stop giving advice, just listen without the need to tell us what to do. Like other posters have suggested, get yourself to a gym (posture improves, health and confidence will grow), expand your mind (Open University?) and practice talking normally to anyone and everyone regardless of age, gender or attractiveness. If you have a friend you can trust, ask them to be very honest with you.

You've had some harsh feedback. Don't take it badly. Perhaps try to not to be so attentive to new women you meet, just be friendly but not overly keen to be a sounding board, and you may come across better. There will be someone who sees your better qualities.

Hello you brave, desperate soul. I read your entire post and honestly, I feel for you. I can also appreciate why women might be put off by you. I think you might need a bit of a rethink in the dating department. Actually, I think you should have a break and try to sort out this confidence thing as I think that is what's holding you back. We women, we don't find "desperate' attractive. It's OK to be nice. Nice is good but you know what, you need to be good and feel good about yourself first. What do you like doing or what sort of things would you like to do in the future with a partner? If you enjoy a sport or something get involved in that and then you will be surrounded by likeminded people. There is no point trying to be something you are not in an attempt to attract a partner as it's not sustainable. Find a hobby or activity you like and take it from there. What about voluntary work? You sound like a very caring man with a lot to give. You might find someone equally as lovely through volunteering. Why not fundraise for something worthwhile? Run a 10K or do tough mudder with some of your friends and raise money along the way. Enjoy your life, grown in confidence and you will get there. Don't settle. Make sure you like the person you are trying to get to know and you have real things and values in common. Be the person you want to be and someone lovely WILL want to be with you but stop with all the desperation. Good Luck.

I'll repeat it just in case - it's 'women', not 'females'. We're not 'other', we're just human beings like you.

A 'nice guy' post like yours makes me suspicious because you seem a hairs breadth away from the classic line "Females just want bastards. I should be a bastard and then they'd be all over me." Your post throws up quite a few red flags - judging the people you know for their private lives, saying that you make sure to ask questions and give advice (are you being asked for advice? Are you Dr Phil? Usually people just want a chat, not a life coach with a mental checklist that he's working through), and deciding that women 'use you for your good heart' probably means that either you like gossiping about the women you meet or your friends are infecting you with their attitudes. How do they use you? If it's a case of accepting the offers you make and then not wanting to get involved romantically, you should be old enough to know how wrong that is.

As AF stated, you don't eventually earn yourself a girlfriend as some kind of karmic reward. And as the old line goes, a woman is not something you pay kindness coins into until she gives you sex.

Please don't take the nastier comments on here to heart, there are some really nasty people who will decide everything you say is wrong, or said in the wrong words!
It's fine that u want someone, most people do, and loads of women post about yearning for a relationship, and they are mostly supported and encouraged. It's also true that doing some thing u enjoy, or learning something new, will give u other interest which may cheer u up, and may also make u more interesting in conversation when u do meet women.
The use of the word 'female' is not something people tend to do in conversation with a woman, but I've known several men who use it in the abstract - not sure why people have seized on that as deeply offensive.

Try different dating sites - tinder has a reputation for 'hook ups' rather than for meeting someone nice. There are nice, ordinary people on some of the others (go for ones where u have to fill out quite a bit about yourself, and take time to write something that represents you well).
I don't know is why the women at work are being nasty, they may have picked up on how much it matters to u to be liked. Lots of people are nice, but unfortunately some people can be downright nasty, and si for someone out as a target, to help them feel part of a group. I would steer clear of them, and be polite when u need to talk to them, and try to ignore it. The assumption on here that u spoke in a way that provoked this behaviour from them is harsh - u may have said something minor which has been blown out of proportion, or they may just be being nasty.
Try to enjoy life, ask people u trust for advice on what u could do better, but have faith that if u live a decent life, get some interests which allow u to meet people, and are generally nice, there will be someone who appreciates you out there :-).

You don't sound as though you like yourself very much at the moment. Maybe you need to find your own happiness and then look to share that, rather than waiting for a magical relationship to create your happiness.

You sound bitter and desperate, like your lack of intimacy is eating you up and becoming an obsession. If every interaction with a "female" is initiated with a view to her being your gf, that's intensely creepy.

Do you have no friends that are women?

I would hate to feel like a desperate man was banking on me taking his virginity (is this the case?) because I reacted positively to him saying hello. I bet your intentions are written all over you.

You do realise that women are all people very very much like you are, inside, right?

They aren't mystical gatekeepers of Sex. They don't all have the same personality and follow some kind of romcom storyline that starts with bath salt gift sets and ends with sex.

You need to look for a woman who is going to be your best mate - actually your best mate, not in a 'if I hang around enough maybe she'll sleep with me way'. By interacting with women in that mindset you might attract that woman or another woman as a potential partner, who might then want to have sex as part of your close relationship - and if not, you'll have another awesome friend, which is a good thing in itself.

I suppose you've got to work out why people react to you in the way they do. Why would your colleagues say such things to you, and others refuse to help you find a date? Offering to pay for help to find a date seems extreme.

Do your friends have any suggestions for you?

LFWarrior said it all. Relax, start living and stop searching. If you don't have any interests, things you like doing, start there so that you can meet others, male and female who like doing the same thing. Try new things to see if you like doing them. At work have you ended up with a reputation as the desparate one is that why you get insults just from saying hello? As someone else said being a good listener is nice, giving advice can be not what is really needed/wanted and can get you into serious bother.

Trying to ignore the weird handbag flashback there.

If you have friends then you have a good start right there. Ask one for honest opinion and really listen. Wimmin aren't this weird alien race that needs to be conquered. No listening to problems and never give advice unless you're asked for it.

you do give off a vibe of desperation, that will get you nowhere. It can be sniffed out at a thousand paces.

'females' is a bit reminiscent of the topless Dad from Friday Night Dinner

YES!

Anyway, I didn't read OP's post as being entitled or anything. I got more of a "it's so easy for all my mates to get a girl, why can't I?". Which also feeds into the low confidence and, dare I say it, desperation.

OP you sound like a mess, and I mean that kindly. Few people are attracted to those they see as hard work or with a lot of issues, although there as some who see it as a plus point. Stay away from those people, they're usually abusive and looking for someone vulnerable.

Before I met lovely DP and was wandering in the singleton-wilderness, wondering why I only fancied dickheads who didn't like me enough to go out with me, I read this article. It said, "if someone told you the date when you'd meet 'someone', what would you spend your time doing instead of obsessing or worrying about it?". That struck me as good advice- spend time with friends, get more qualifications, take up a hobby, go to the gym, learn to cook. Do things that make you happy and stop fixating on what's making you sad.

Maybe also consider some CBT to help with your low self esteem. I would also start going to the gym, if you don't already- my mental health and view of my own self-worth has improved dramatically since I started doing regular exercise. There are places which do mixed bootcamps and other classes which might help flex your social muscles- just don't start hitting on any other gym users!

Schools are off yeah?

I'd agree something not quite rIght here. Just saying hello seldom results in women responding with they don't want to sleep with you, or insulting you. Especially to nice quiet guys. Politeness is nearly always the default and immediate reaction until intention is understood. So there is something maybe missing there?

Secondly. Begging your friends to set you up with anyone, people offering money? You make it sound like absolutely any woman would do.

I think you need to get happy in your own life as a single person, when you're happy in your own skin, meeting someone will come naturally.

I can confirm that original

Either you're exaggerating, or the story about you just saying hello to your work colleagues and them responding "I don't want to sleep with you" can surely only be true if you have got yourself a reputation in your office for going round trying to chat up every woman there. Might that be the case? Or do you also just chat to women without seeing them as a potential partner?

Your description of a more normal conversation sounds a little odd - is that just the description, or do you always just listen and advise? Are you sure people want advice? Not just commiseration, reassurance, cheering up or a story in return, from your life?

Do you also talk to men? The same way? How do they react to you?

Fair play, what I said came out harsher than intended and I apologise.

You've had some excellent advice on here. It sounds a bit as though you struggle in social situations because you see every interaction with a woman as a potential relationship and immediately go into 'please like me' mode. We are not some weird alien species or damsels in a tower that you can win. We're normal people who do the same stuff as you.

Looks are not necessarily important. I've known men who are not at all good looking, but their humour and personality has made them attractive. You just need to back off and stop giving off the desperate vibes. Get out and start doing some social stuff and stop seeing every woman who crosses your path as a potential partner.

Do you have, or ever had, a female FRIEND, OP? You don't seem to see women as people at all.

I know a guy who thinks of himself like this. Truth is he's a selfish jerk. It's not you is it? He spends way too long thinking of himself and then when he does date it still comes across as all about him.

I notice speed dating isn't on the list, maybe try that

"I don't mind listening to other people's problems and advising and helping, as it takes me away from the fact I'm pretty much failing to have a relationship,"

As well as the "female" thing, this makes you sound incredibly self centred and desperate, like you don't mind listening to the problems of others, not to be a friend but because it distracts you?

I'd be interrested to know your age btw.

You come across as being desperate for a relationship, maybe when you talk to women this comes across. No-one wants to be the "anyone who will do as long as I can say that they are my girlfriend (and get to sleep with them)" - I can't speak for all women, but I wanted someone to be genuinely interested in me as a person, to find me (and what makes me different to anyone else) physically and intellectually attractive, someone who cared what I thought and felt. We can tell if you're just trying to fill a hole.

Kissing - pun intended?

"I don't mind listening to other people's problems and advising and helping, as it takes me away from the fact I'm pretty much failing to have a relationship"

OK, there's the problem. Nice guys help people because they like being helpful, not because they "don't mind" being helpful. But (don't tell anyone I said this) you don't have to be an amazingly nice guy all the time. Most men (and women tbh) are not nice ALL the time. Quite a few are barely nice any of the time!

So, stop making "being nice" your thing, because it's not working and it's not really true. There are some genuinely nice people out there and you know straight away that they are, it's pretty much stamped on their forehead. But they're few and far between. So, stop pretending you're one of them because it's hiding your personality, and anyone who senses you're hiding something (even if it's just at an unconscious level) will be put off.

I know you're feeling very insecure, but the solution to your insecurity is not to be found in getting a woman. If you do, in your current frame of mind you will continue to feel insecure because you have not fixed the underlying problem. There are some important lessons you need to learn.

Firstly, being in a relationship isn't going to be like how it is in your imagination. Read through Relationships here on MN. DO NOT think "all these guys are dicks, but I'm such a nice guy". Instead, think "how have these women found themselves in such crap relationships?". Do you want that to be you? Stuck in a crap relationship because you fell for an emotionally abusive woman who saw you as an easy target?

Secondly, you'll see threads where posters are contemplating the fact that single life isn't actually that bad. When you've been through the mill a few times you realise that it is VERY important to be comfortable with being single. That is a place you need to get to.

Thirdly, human relationships work best when they're equal. If you're constantly chasing after women (which is what you're doing), then how are you going to meet someone on equal terms? They're either going to feel like your prey, or see you as a victim of your insecurity.

I think what you should do first is make an active choice to be single for a while. When you talk to women, think about how you feel about them as a person. Do they have annoying habits? Do they have qualities you respect? Are they good people? Do they like the things that you like? Can you learn something about life from them? If you find yourself wanting to help them, think about why. Ask yourself if you actually do want to sit there for half an hour listening to a woman complaining about her life. Maybe she deserves sympathy and you're her confidante. Or maybe she's only talking to you because you're the only one daft enough to take her selfish whining seriously (it's been known to happen).

Ask yourself "am I doing this because I like her, or am I doing this because I want her to like me?" I'm not saying you should stop being friendly or polite (both good qualities), but rather keep your emotional commitment for women who you like as human beings.

Finally, you need to work out whether you really want to be in a relationship right now anyway. It sounds like you're spending an awful lot of mental energy on this problem. Could you be spending that energy doing something you enjoy? The world isn't going to end if you stay single for another year. Finding a happy, meaningful relationship is worth waiting for. Ignore the social pressure - there really is more to life than being in a relationship, and being single does not make you a failure.