Sigh, can't believe I'm doing this.

[user1482775337]

First things first, I'm an avid user of this site, had to use a different username to not let people know this is all from me,

Well, where do I begin,

I'm a male! I guess that is a good start,

Well, 2016 has been another year of being nice to the wrong people, not getting anywhere with any female, being used for my good heart (Something that my male friends all agree on) still being single and getting hurt and jealous by everybody I know, as I don't see anybody else with this problem I have.

I fail to see where I'm going wrong, I start the conversation, listen, give advice, ask various questions (Just about their day etc, nothing personal or sexual) which somehow ends up with me being blanked and never spoken to again..

I don't mind listening to other people's problems and advising and helping, as it takes me away from the fact I'm pretty much failing to have a relationship,

I'm on Tinder and various other sites but I've come to notice, and read that its just on looks basis, nobody gives a damn about anything else, I've had a few matches, 3 were just scams telling me to sign up to a website for a "show" ... one was somebody just to take the piss.

At work, I do try to speak to females, but it just somehow ends up with me being insulted, like I literally just said "hello" which was met with a range of insults to "I wouldn't want to sleep with you even if you were the last guy on earth" to "I have better standards than you" .. all I said was Hello? I know I have barely any confidence, but that's taken a hell of a lot from me.

It's come down to the point that I've asked, (begged) for somebody to set me up with literally anybody, which again has been met with a sea of no's, even with the offer of money to help.

Honestly, I don't want much, just to be wanted and loved, so I feel valued, needed and not lonely. I don't know what else to do, going out on a night out is my last option but with who?

How has something so easy become so hard? Many of the people I know have cheated/are cheating on their partners, which gets me quite upset because I know deep down how happy I'd be for just one female to want me.

How can I grow in confidence when nobody wants to speak to me at all? It's effecting my day to day life, I have started to hate everything that can be associated with having a partner, for instance Christmas, giving gifts, buying her whatever she wanted, I want that.. yes I'm aware you will all think its stupid and pathetic.

There is so much I've not yet experienced, or done yet, I'm starting to believe there is really something wrong with me, it has to be the way I look because that's the first/only thing you'd know about me from the second we spoke.

I doubt anybody will get this far, but if you have thank you for listening to my rambling mess about how I've never had a relationship, and struggling to find a female just to speak to, let alone date.

I'm just a nice, quiet guy who will listen to anything you have to say, NEVER judge on anything, who will just do everything possible for you to smile,

Sigh, I can't believe my life has turned into this mess.

Best piece of advice I can give you:

You can't be happy in a relationship, unless you can be happy on your own!

I appreciate people often feel they need someone else but this is seriously unhealthy. You need to take the pressure off yourself and do some serious work on yourself.

You need to engage in some therapy urgently, work through whats making you obsessed with having a relationship.
Then you need to go out and meet people. NOT to meet 'females' please don't refer to us like that, but to have fun, to make friends, to take an interest in other people, to enjoy other activities.

Your current behaviour comes across as really needy and desperate (i'm not being unkind, just honest), which is seriously unattractive.

Give yourself a challenge. For 2017, aim to make as many new friends and to try as many different activities as you can. Make that the year you work on YOU, and become happy by yourself and in your own skin. That is what you need to do before you even think of having trying to meet someone romantically.

PS: Tinder is the worst place to meet someone!

Spend less time online and more time in the real world? Is hanging out on mumsnet part of your pulling strategy? I can smell the desperation from here - It's really unattractive

I think we all suspect, despite popular modern opinion, that men have a stronger desire to keep on having sex than we do. Every time I meet a man not in a relationship the conversation turns to this within several minutes.

Without knowing how this feels biologically - I feel unable to fully comment. I would suggest you back away from the whole thing - concentrate on your life and hope you meet someone when the person is right and it works naturally - but if you feel the need to use dating sites - listen to the above posters. Don't look desperate. We can spot them.

I remember being chatted up on a train once by a man you would have thought had found his soulmate until a slightly prettier girl got on behind me and he started staring at her.

He was desperate - turned out he had just split up with a girlfriend and had a family party to go to. He just didn't want to be on his own - but I smelt desperation from the off and had already ruled him out from the first rabid glint.

Don't play games, don't be a bastard or a wet mop - just be you. There are no rules...rules are for crazy American daters.

Do you have hobbies ? Like Books. join a book club. Cooking. join a cooking club or lessons. Church etc. gardening. etc.

Start out just meeting people. get used to this first.

I think you are putting a lot of pressure on yourself.

And incase I totally misread your post - read this- www.doctornerdlove.com/2012/12/problem-nice-guys/

Agree that using word "female " is already a massive red flag. Try using the word "women " and see if your luck changes. It's hard to tell where you're going wrong without knowing you. Do you have a close friend or family member who can give you some objective advice. You say Tinder is all about appearance but you have to at least consider that looks can play an initial role (ie being presentable at least). You sound sincere so I wish you luck. There's someone out there for everyone.

chocolate has nailed it!

And I agree OLD is the very WORST way to meet people if you are lacking in confidence.

Speed dating is a really good option AFTER you have worked on yourself and being happy in your own skin. Good luck.

"Honestly, I don't want much, just to be wanted and loved, so I feel valued, needed and not lonely."

What about what you want to give too, OP? It feels like from your post (not just the phrase I quoted above) that there are some underlying issues that you need to address, particularly to do with your relationship with your mother and how you were mothered growing up. You have a 'blueprint' of women that feels detached, and is based on need and not desire and/or mutuality. Please get this sorted first. I speak as a woman who had to do her own fair whack of self-work first, including having to realise and admit that I needed help.

The woman that said no when all you said was hello?
Is she in the same social circle as friends you have tried to pay to fix you up?
Because if she'd heard about that, it would explain it.

I agree with all the PPs that you need to develop your own life, hobbies etc. That means doing what you want to do because you enjoy it - not googling what hobbies have the highest number of young single women.

I also think you have idealised relationships and have a fixed idea of what they are. You would never judge? Really? I love my fiancé, I think he's wonderful. I've sure as fuck judged a few of his decisions though. (he knows I think he should have done these things differently. One of them, he agrees with me. He has told me when he has judged me too, and thinks I should try a new approach)

The "buying her everything she wants" comment just made my skin crawl though. You know that my vagina doesn't make me a walking stereotype of Thing You Must Bestow With Gifts?

I think you should decide to actively forget women in 2017. Maybe have counselling to talk about your confidence. And definitely get out and do things in your life that are NOT about dating.

OP You've had some very harsh responses on here, and with good reason. I think that this might give you some of the insight you need.

Your use of 'females' and not 'women' was also something that I noticed straight away.

For a women to respond to "hello" with "I wouldn't sleep with you if you were the last man on earth" type responses sounds incredibly unbelievable. For a start, most people (women included) aren't so arrogant as to assume that, "hello" means, "I want to fuck you" and aren't so cruel as to be so blunt with someone when all they have said is, "hello".

So something doesn't add up there.

I would agree that there is something cloyingly claustrophobic about your post.

Become the best version of you that you can be so that someone decent would choose you.

I'm just a nice, quiet guy who will listen to anything you have to say, NEVER judge on anything, who will just do everything possible for you to smile

And this ^^, well you have just described my ex husband who turned out to be the most financially and abusive man I've ever had a relationship with.

*financially and emotionally abusive

We don't buy the 'nice guy' schtick anymore I 'm afraid. Nice guys don't need to keep telling you that they are nice. Neither do they view women as dating objects - the code for which you have to crack by pretending to like stuff they like. No offence - but have you previously taken your dating advice from only gross out teenage movies?

i suggest you go on a life changing experience to become a more evolved human being rather than setting up a post on mumsnet under a pseudonym announcing you are male as if all the singleladies are going to go wild. In case you haven't noticed - they haven't...

Your use of "females" is incredibly disturbing and off putting. Also, ime nice guys don't describe themselves as "nice guys", they simply are, and prove it with their behaviour. I think you have got a lot of good advice here, perhaps some a bit harsh, but necessary. I have a friend who is very similar to you, and no matter how much advice I give him, he isn't taking it on board at all.

Yes, and genuinely good and decent men recognise that women are people and not precious objects who need to be protected from the world and lavished with gifts.

Good and decent men respect the women in their lives, appreciate the challenge now and again and value their support.

'Nice guys' say they won't judge you, but they have an internalised 'good girl' code of conduct and can become very unpleasant indeed when you fail to be deserving of their 'niceness'...

You come across as very socially awkward and 'not fitting in'. You don't have to be like everyone else to 'fit in' but you do have to follow a few basics. Blokes I've known who didn't fit in - and by this I mean they couldn't make male friends either, couldn't have a sensible conversation without drifting off chatting about some inane topic like UFOs, got a reputation as a creepy oddball - usually committed the following crimes:

1. Personal hygiene. God this is a big one. I've seen two Creepy Oddballs disciplined for stinking the office out to high heaven. Their inability to converse with others probably had some link to their inability to take regular showers or operate a washing machine. Don't make this basic mistake.

1. Style. I'm not saying bedeck yourself like a page of GQ, but are you dressing in a strange way? Something that says "I've had these clothes since I was 17 and there's nothing wrong with them" or perhaps they don't fit correctly, are very obviously cheap and worn out? I'm not saying become a fashion maven overnight, but one way of sending out the message "I am a normal person!" is to dress like a normal person. I've had a male colleague wander about in a cheap suit about 4 sizes too big and he looked like he'd borrowed it from his dad's wardrobe. The enormous sleeves covered his hands so he looked like a baby. It no longer mattered what he said or did, people couldn't get past the ridiculous suit. Or if someone walked in in a bright green suit and pink tie or 'humorous' slogans (just no.) So. Ask yourself what messages your clothes send. Is it "I am normal" or "I can't be bothered" or "I'm ZANY!"

Three... follow everything above. You reek of desperation. You need to sort yourself out, which means generally joining the human race in a normal fashion. Make guy friends, go out and have hobbies and interests, see movies, have interesting things to talk about. Relationships happen because you're a pleasant person to be around.

saukko you are so right. I went on a first date with a man who acquired a stain on his trousers on said date. Second date, four days later, the stain was still there. Third date, 2 weeks later, the same stain was still there...

There wasn't a fourth date...

Am I the only one here who is finding my skin crawling about the OP?

I'm just going to be brutally honest here. First I thought it was a wind -up (I hope it is) but the more I read this thread (with the excellent advice that's been given) I'm finding I'm becoming more and more uncomfortable. I'm beginning to think he is creepy and quite possibly dangerous to women. Is it just me?

No, not. Not just you.

You're trying way too hard.

Take a step back

Not just you, rocket

I am a bit bemused at those posters who must have spent agrs typing out those wonderful long replies

This bloke is a dick or a wind up merchant or both. Not seeing any positives in the op that would make me craft such reasoned and comprehensive replies.

*ages

but it's a MAN AF, so you must titter and indulge them, it's in the MN rule book, Page 43.

Heh

Shouldn't someone at this point say "but if it was a WOMAN posting those of you being mean would have a different attitude"

That's page 44.

There is time yet for that

There's a guy in my building at work who 'just' says hello to me sometimes. Sounds harmless enough when I put it like that, but the thing is that he only ever says hello to the young twenty-something women, whose names he all seems to know (presumably from reading them from the security passes we all have to wear in the building, as we've never properly met). He will also stare as we walk past, or come and stand just a little too close when queuing in the canteen. It makes us all deeply uncomfortable but I'm sure he'd insist that he's just trying to be friendly.

Obviously I don't know you at all OP and this may not be what you're like at all. But my point is that a friendly hello might not always come across as inoffensively as you think. And if you're getting such extreme reactions to such an innocuous greeting then you may need to consider how you're interacting with these 'females' to make them so upset.