Fresh eyes please on this

[Messedupmethinks]

2 year old toddler away from mummy for a week including xmas

I don't mind child being there for a few days .
Of course I'm sad , being undermined is not fun
I'm hoping he will come to his senses and return child in a few days

This thread is making my head hurt.

I don't understand why you're so calm. If someone took my 18mo against my wishes, I'd be an unstoppable force.

If that someone was a partner who hasn't been on the scene for an entire year, whom I recently broke up with... Well, I'd be calling the police

I'm so sorry I still haven't got a clear picture of what is happening here.

Is this correct? You and your dc's father recently got back together but you have broken up again now. You agreed to your son visiting his dad's family with his dad for a couple of days. His father has now dumped him with his family...gone elsewhere and plans to bring your son back in a week, which was not agreed by you.
Is that it?

Can you be creative and let us know what on earth is going on?

Bullet points
Time line.

Please

I don't mind child being there for a few days .
Of course I'm sad , being undermined is not fun
I'm hoping he will come to his senses and return child in a few days

How old are you OP?

Sorry Mavis . I'm fucked up , I'm not trying to make anyone's head hurt .
I just wanted points of view on the length of time toddler away from mum .
Pitch: his father will be going there also especially over xmas .but this week he will be there and elsewhere also (work)

How old am I ?

He must be abusive as you 'don't want to cause a fuss'. Relationships between adults should not involve punishments. If he's selfish and unkind he will always be a negative disruption in your family's lives.

Don't second guess what you know is right. This is another thing abusive people do. They tell you your natural feelings are wrong. He should have discussed and coordinated xmas with you. Instead, he's fucked it up and made a decision totally disregarding you, your dc and his dc's needs so he can show off his toddler. Christmas is a nightmare with abusers. It's their fave time of year to lord about being unkind and controlling. And birthdays are similar.

When you get your dc back, tell your bf to sling his hook for your family's sake or he'll make every special time a nightmare for you.

But otherwise my summary is correct? Good...at least I can imagine the scenario. We need that because there is no set answer to the simple query of 'how long?' It all depends on the individual circumstances. Without those we can't rightly reply.

If I have it right:

Op had child with this man.
They broke up when child a baby.
The man came in and out of baby's life.
He lives 150 miles away with parents.
Then recently he decided to grace the op's family with his permanent presence,
then said his child also needs to get to know his parents and took the child 150 miles away for 2 days.
Now he has said actually child is staying a week over christmas with his parents. even though he will be working during that week and despite op saying she doesn't want that.
Op has no family or local support and is being told by this man to put up or shut up with his actions and wants to know if she is right in not being happy with what he has done.

Right - so when mine was the age of your child, she went and stayed with her father for a week over Christmas. It was hard, but it was ok - more importantly she was ok and had a fabulous time. I was a bit of a state!

That said, she was in regular contact with her father. Had had overnight and weekend stays with him and we have an amicable arrangement. We swap Christmas and New Year every year now.

Call his parents and explain you only agreed to a couple of days and want him back.

Are you afraid of what he'll do or say?

That's how I understand it.

His family are complete strangers. A year is a whole lifetime to a child under two, he will have no recollection of them at all. Christ, even his own father is practically a stranger.

This isn't ok. At all. You admit that he's controlling and abusive. I think you need to make a fuss now, and not in a few days. He should never have gone.

Top toe , that is correct.
I will let the family enjoy child for a while then I will go there and explain my side

At 2, my DS had been going on holiday with his grandparents for a while, so he had been away with them regularly, and stayed overnight with them regularly in between times, for example while me and DH were on our honeymoon. For him, a week away from me was not a big deal. I knew he would be well looked after and happy, as I trusted my parents. I would have trusted my in laws too but they were dead by then.

However, if it was the first time he had stayed overnight, I wouldn't be happy with a full on week. My sister used to get terribly homesick just staying with my nan for one night as a small child so I made sure to test that out first before a longer period away.

Trouble is people like this man take advantage of hope. Hope that you'll be a proper family, hope that he'll be a good dad (which involves physical nurture of child aswell as emotional nuture), hope that it will all be alright.

That's why they get away with pulling shit like this. You hope he'll do the right thing. You hope your toddler won't be confused and missing you. You hope it will all be ok.

Trouble is, hope is what is making you easy to manipulate. He uses this to get what he wants. He knows what he has done is hurtful to you. He just doesn't care. He will not be a good presence in your family's life. No matter what hope he gives you. It will not pan out well, as this is showing you. You will be much more stable on your own with your dc than with dealing with this unkind person. You have other dc that he should be considering too but he hasn't bothered to think about how they feel if their little brother isn't there for christmas either. It's so disruptive and I think he's ambushed you. His intention all along was to keep the child up there. Probably because he can't be arsed to drive back and forth. He isn't thinking about what's best for your toddler either.

Basically, his thought process is this:
I keep disappointing my family and they give me a hard time. I know, I'll go and get my lovely toddler that my ex has brought up with little help from me and bring him over for christmas. That will show my parents I'm not such a screw up. I'll not tell my ex. She thinks we're back together. She has to or she won't let me bring the toddler. I'll just say it's for a couple of days, then when I get there say it's best he stays a week. Not like she can do anything to stop me.

If his parents are reasonable people you may be able to keep a paternal link through them. Deal with them and not him. All communication through them. If you keep it amicable, especially with grandmother, you might be able to get support from them although they won't bad mouth their son.

please someone tell me is a week to long for a toddler to be away from mum ? (In my eyes it is )

Messedupmethinks, a week is too long for a toddler to be away from Mum.

For God's sake, put your foot down.

I think it is too long op.

I was in hospital for a week and a half when youngest DS was 19 months.

It was unexpected and he didn't come to visit as we were worried he would be upset when he had to leave.

When I got home he sat on my lap for 5 hours straight and refused to get off, he had clearly missed me a great deal and had been good for others but quiet and sad which was totally unlike him.

I sympathise with you, trying to let DS have a relationship with his dad and he has trampled over your boundaries straight away.
I would contact him and ask DS is returned on Wednesday, his siblings want to see him at Christmas and he is too small to spend the week away. If his dad objects I would say he isn't putting the toddler first, so won't have any overnight access in future until he appreciates DS has needs which must come first.

I wouldn't hesitate to get DS back and restrict contact in future if he can't see it isn't in the child's best interests to spend a week with strangers all at once for Christmas.

So effectively the DC has been left with complete strangers to him while your ex(or not) dips in and out.
No bloody way would I allow that!

I would be making arrangements now, if I were you.

What will happen is, you'll call on Wednesday and tell them you want him back and they'll say... Um, no.

And then what? You spend the next day, two days arguing and confronting them and then it's Christmas eve and he's spent the best part of the week away from you, which is not what you wanted, or what is best for your baby.

You need to be proactive.

And I agree, this should be the death knell of overnight contact.

You can't trust he'll bring him back to you. Or that he won't leave him in the care of strangers who don't know his cues, what makes him happy or sad, what he likes to eat or his routine at all.

Thank you toptoe,coffee and everyone's thoughts ,opinions and advice.

I'm not going to spend anytime arguing. As long as I get to see him half way through.