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Mumsnet has not checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you need help urgently or expert advice, please see our domestic violence webguide and/or relationships webguide. Many Mumsnetters experiencing domestic abuse have found this thread helpful: Listen up, everybody

Original poster

Possible trigger - I'm 19 and i really could do with some mum advice please :(

119 replies

ThrowAwayBarbie · 15/12/2016 01:56

Hi how is everyone?
I dont have a mum to ask so please can any mums here offer some advice?
Basically 2 weeks ago i ran away from home because my dad threatened to hit me. Id just found out on the day that i was 6 weeks pregnant i told my dad and he said i either leave or get an abortion. I couldnt get an abortion and we had an argument and he grabbed me so i ran away.
The babies dad doesnt know because hes married and i dont want to break up his family. It was a stupid drunk one night stand after a night out, i didnt know he was married i only found out when i looked for him on facebook and i saw his kids and his wife.
Right now im living a mates house, theyre really lovely its ok here but i know they do weed and coke sometimes and i hate drugs. Im a bit stuck because i dont know what i can do to help myself.
I need some help as to who to talk to about the baby, who to tlk to about moving somewhere safer and also how to get some food. Ive been eating 1 tin of soup a day for 2 weeks now because i only had £30 when i left and i feel really ill. I cant stay at my mates all day so im out at 8am until 6pm.
I know i did a horrible thing and i swear i really didnt know he was married. Please dont judge me because i already know im a horrible person. My mum passed away when i was 10 and i really wish she was here to help me. Do i go back home now? Where do i go?

OP posts:
ManaFleet · 15/12/2016 02:01

I don't know how to advise you, but I didn't want to leave you hanging here on your own. Someone will be along soon with some proper sensible advice for you and wiser words than mine.

My own opinion is that you've done the right thing. Nobody can force you to have an abortion. Stay strong Flowers

asmadasmax · 15/12/2016 02:06

I'm not sure ... I would go to the citizens advice bureau first, they should know what you can do and apply for. Housing, money etc. Have you seen your gp about the pregnancy?

You can get a certificate from somewhere so that you can get a food parcel from the food bank .. hopefully someone will be along soon who knows how to get one.

Graphista · 15/12/2016 02:10

Horrible situation to be in.

Brook advisory are supposed to be good at giving impartial advice on pregnancy choices/support. You could also go to your gp and get referred to the midwifery service they will have seen and dealt with this type of thing loads.

Regarding housing/living speak to your local council and/or shelter. Have all your info to hand to answer any questions.

Are you working? College? Uni? Unemployed ?

This will affect the advice we are able to give.

Glad you have friends able to put you up but are they not able to spare food?

Don't despair there are ways to access help. Yes you were daft but lots of people do stupid things including folk much older than you who should really know better, plus self flagellation doesn't solve anything.

You could perhaps talk to your dad by phone or somewhere public if you really want to (don't feel pressured) but your safety is paramount.

Littlelegs19 · 15/12/2016 02:11

I fell pregnant at 17 and my parents went bat shit! Kicked me out and I was sofa surfing for around 8 weeks. I miscarried around 12 weeks and made up with my parents and moved back home.

Your dad is probably shocked and sorry to say it, disappointed. My parents wanted me to abort too and it's hard when you hear that but I'm sure it's your dads way of offering an option. If your dad is anything like mine, you'll have to call him first!

I'm sure everything will be ok in the end. Hear to talk if you need to Flowers

HarrietVane99 · 15/12/2016 02:14

Do you go to college, and if so, is there any student support service you can talk to?

And yes, see your gp. They'll be able to put you in touch with a midwife, who can point you to other support. Tell the gp and midwife everything you have told us here.

OlennasWimple · 15/12/2016 02:18
Flowers

Start with Citizens Advice first thing tomorrow, and see if they can help you navigate talking to the council about accommodation and exploring your options for benefits and accessing a food bank. In due course, the father of your baby would also be liable to pay maintenance, but that can be notoriously hard to enforce.

Does the father know that you are pregnant?

abisothergran · 15/12/2016 02:32

The NHS choices website have much useful information under Teenage Pregnancy.Sorry I am Not able to link but you will find it if you google Teenage Pregnancy.Brook clinic will counsel on options and point you in direction of other local support.
You are not a bad person -the babies Dad is the one who cheated.

CondensedMilkSarnies · 15/12/2016 02:35

Do you have any other relatives you could stay with ?

abisothergran · 15/12/2016 02:36

Ps So sorry about your mum-I would like to give your dad a talking to for being so unsupportive.

waitingforsomething · 15/12/2016 02:41

I'm sorry to hear you're in a difficult position op. You haven't done a horrible thing, the baby's dad cheated on his family and you weren't aware he was married. He's done a horrible thing.
I would suggest you get to your GP and tell them you're pregnant. This gets you in the system to see a midwife - if you explain your position to your GP he might be able to fast track this so you see one asap. Your midwife will be able to give you the advice and support you need, including where you need to go to access support for housing and benefits etc. Do you have a job? Or any other family other than your dad?

Do you think it might be worth giving your dad a call now he's had a chance to cool off? He was probably shocked and it's not what he imagined for you, but there are far worse things to be than pregnant.

Ditsy4 · 15/12/2016 02:51

Hi so glad you asked on here. Your dad probably got a shock and regrets what he did but you would need to speak to him first to find out if he has changed his mind.
In the meantime you need to get out of that situation. Ring LIFE they will give you counselling either on the phone or face to face, practical help and possibly somewhere to live. They do have LIFE houses dotted about the country. We lost the one up here to the floods and as yet it hasn't been replaced but there might be one in your area or they might be able to help with advice.they have baby equipment too. Please ring them. They have a website.

HappyJanuary · 15/12/2016 02:51

Is this typical behaviour from your dad, or is he normally a kind, caring father?

If it was out of character, I should try contacting him again to explain your desperate situation and to ask for help.

Otherwise, make an appointment today with your gp regarding the pregnancy and with the Benefits Agency to see about housing and entitlements.

Bluntness100 · 15/12/2016 06:16

Ok, you need to start thinking sensibly. Can you support this child? The fact you can't feed yourself indicates possibly not. If you want to keep the child, how will you both home , care and feed your baby, they are not cheap. So you maybe need to look at what benefits you can get, as well as housing.

You also need to be grown up and consider the father, he has a right to know if he has a child, he will be expected to pay towards its keep and your child will have a right to know who their father is as they grow up.

What do you do , college, job? Will you be able to continue with it as a single parent? I think my advice would be to start thinking seriously about the practicalities and getting your life in order to be able to parent a child.

hesterton · 15/12/2016 06:22

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Satisfactorylemon · 15/12/2016 06:23

Accomodation: go to citizen advice for help
Food: citizen advice will refer to food bank

Do you even want to raise a baby?!

You'll need to see the GP either way for either a midwife booking or abortion referral.

The guy you slept with, contact him and tell him. It's not your job to worry about his own wife and kids. He may at least support you financially.

If you were my daughter, I'd be keen for you to get an abortion, focus on education and experiencing life and work before having kids and tell you to hang out with better friends.

ravenmum · 15/12/2016 06:39

Whether you keep the child or not is none of our business at all. Your options are abortion, adoption, support from your family, support from the father and support from the government. Many young mothers manage it. You are by no means in an unusual situation.

If the father's family don't like it, that is his problem. Don't martyr yourself for the sake of his family. He has already broken that bond himself. He is responsible for his actions. ... why should he get out of it for free?

ChishandFips33 · 15/12/2016 06:51

So sorry you find yourself in this position - how old are you?

Yes to if this is out of character for your dads behaviour then it's likely shock because he wants the best for you and he is probably seeing a different life for you than he'd wished for - he and your mum might have discussed their wishes and dreams for you and he may feel he's let her and you down

Men tend to look for the 'fix' in things so the abortion would be his way of fixing this for you - but it's your decision

I agree though you need to be realistic rather than idealistic - if you're not able to feed yourself, how will you manage. If support around you is limited then babies are tricky and tiring at times and you'll need support so try and start and art that up now by linking in to professionals

health professionals deal with this more than you know - please see your GP to start getting the right advice.

Children's centres can be a wealth of information and support and signpost you to a wealth of agencies such as housing, food banks etc

They also have teenage parent support pathways if you are in that age bracket

Take each day as it comes but also think about calling your dad

P1nkP0ppy · 15/12/2016 07:03

I'd be very cautious about telling op to contact her father because she said he tried to hit her, definitely not going to be safe going home.

Op, go to your GP and contact CAB as others have suggested. Tell the married man, he's going to need to support you financially.

MrsFozziwig · 15/12/2016 07:31

Chish The OP says in the title that she is 19...

OP Just remember that you have options. Homeless, single, penniless and pregnant at 19 to a married man with little to no family support... there's a lot to consider here. Also consider that the government are proposing further benefit cuts and so checking what benefits you're entitled to is not sound future financial planning.

Whatever you decide to do is your choice, but don't continue with the pregnancy just because you've always told yourself you could never have an abortion. This is reality now.

You're not a horrible person, some shit has happened. You just need to discover what would be the best way of dealing with this for yourself.

MatildaTheCat · 15/12/2016 07:48

Former midwife to younger mum's here.

Firstly, your dad's reaction wasn't unusual. He will indeed be shocked and upset but in my experience most parents do get over that in time and offer support. If you have a good or OK relationship normally that's probably your best option. Do you have siblings or other relations who can help? An aunt or friend might be able to broker negotiations. Don't underestimate how hard this is for him

Lots of advice here about what to do.CAB are good but tend to be booked up ahead for weeks. If you are genuinely homeless you can present to housing as a pregnant person and they have to house you. It will be emergency housing and, as such could be a B&B miles away. It may not be at all nice. Then go to the Job Centre and ask about benefits ( unless you have a job or income, of course). All this will take time. They may be able to give you an emergency loan.

Your best option really is to try to go home if you can. If you post more details we can advise further. Where you are isn't ideal.

Many people do find themselves in your position. Do discuss the ootions with a professional. Good luck.

hellsbellsmelons · 15/12/2016 10:04

Someone has already linked to Shelter.
They can help you with accommodation.
And Citizens Advice can help you with benefits.
Also contact your local council housing department and speak to them about your situation.

As already said - it is entirely up to you whether you keep the baby or not.
This is my worst nightmare though.
My DD turns 19 in a few weeks and if she were to tell me this I would be shocked and probably disappointed.
Having said that, I would certainly listen to her, go through all the options with her and help and support her with any decision.

Your DDad reaction was not a good one.
Ensure you keep away from him until you have your life sorted out.

Make an appointment with your GP to discuss options and what happens next.

Also please do tell the father.
He will need to help to support HIS child when it arrives in this world.
He shouldn't get away scott free on this.
It takes 2 and he took his chances having unprotected sex so he has to face the consequences. Whether he chooses to be involved or not is up to him but he has a responsibility to support his child so ensure you get the maintenance you are entitled to.
This is for you DC so don't deprive them of that!

I wish you well though, what ever you decide.
Get all the support from local services you can and are entitled to.

forumdonkey · 15/12/2016 10:20

How old are you? Are you at school, college, uni, working?

pog100 · 15/12/2016 10:27

I know this isn't useful, but do people actually read the title and the OP?

Satisfactorylemon · 15/12/2016 10:28

Ffs some people can't read. It says 19 at the title Hmm