Possible trigger - I'm 19 and i really could do with some mum advice please :(

[ThrowAwayBarbie]

Hi how is everyone?
I dont have a mum to ask so please can any mums here offer some advice?
Basically 2 weeks ago i ran away from home because my dad threatened to hit me. Id just found out on the day that i was 6 weeks pregnant i told my dad and he said i either leave or get an abortion. I couldnt get an abortion and we had an argument and he grabbed me so i ran away.
The babies dad doesnt know because hes married and i dont want to break up his family. It was a stupid drunk one night stand after a night out, i didnt know he was married i only found out when i looked for him on facebook and i saw his kids and his wife.
Right now im living a mates house, theyre really lovely its ok here but i know they do weed and coke sometimes and i hate drugs. Im a bit stuck because i dont know what i can do to help myself.
I need some help as to who to talk to about the baby, who to tlk to about moving somewhere safer and also how to get some food. Ive been eating 1 tin of soup a day for 2 weeks now because i only had £30 when i left and i feel really ill. I cant stay at my mates all day so im out at 8am until 6pm.
I know i did a horrible thing and i swear i really didnt know he was married. Please dont judge me because i already know im a horrible person. My mum passed away when i was 10 and i really wish she was here to help me. Do i go back home now? Where do i go?

[iamadaftcoo]

She will speak to a professional raven. You have to speak to a doctor in order to arrange an abortion.

[ravenmum]

In case you mean me, Waltermitty, I'm not having a debate about abortion - I have not argued for or against it at all and have repeatedly said that it is her choice and one of several. What I am doing is advising her to speak to a professional about her choice rather than just listening to private advice, because I think it could help her be happy with her decision in the long term. That's precisely the advice I would give my daughter in an attempt to help with her future mental health.

I'm surprised that the idea of talking to a professional is meeting with such resistance. Why do people think that this is a decision a 19-yearold should make entirely in private, without talking to anyone other than some faceless people on the internet?

At the start, Barbie said she did not want an abortion - now she's said that she does want one. At no time have I said anything against either decision. Nothing but support and advice from me, indeed.

[Waltermittythesequel]

She's already said she's made up her mind.

Why are you using a distraught 19 year old's life to have a debate about abortion.

She wants one. She's perfectly entitled to get one with nothing but support and advice.

[forumdonkey]

IMO what is traumatic is living on the breadline, in a dump of a flat alone with a baby, where you're too scared to leave because of youths and ASB, dealers and users, prostitution and pimps. Sound traumatic? That is the real reality, from my personal experience of 'homeless' accommodation, that is on offer. Would you want OP forced into something like this, never mind a baby. This is what I have seen, through work that is on offer when you present as homeless, and even then they're not easily or readily available. If OP has options, she should take one that gives her a chance for a good life. Isolation, without support, in poverty is hard and difficult to get out of. Not what I would want for her or a baby. There is a far bigger picture here.

[ravenmum]

And it is not a choice between regretting one and regretting the other. It is possible to do either without regret, as people have said. My point is precisely that getting professional advice rather than making an uninformed decision might make regret of any kind less likely.

[ravenmum]

I also pointed out that adoption is possible. This seems to not be on anyone's radar at all .... no, giving birth does not necessarily make you a single mother.

[GhostOfChristmasYetToCome]

YY to Charlie and SCV

[SelfCleaningVagina]

Well I'd rather someone regretted their decision to abort than regretted their decision go ahead. Not to mention the negative impact on a child.

[CharlieSierra]

Find it a little worrying that Barbie is being given misinformation like "either you abort or you will be a single mother", as if there were no other options

If she doesn't have an abortion she will be a single mother

And she is homeless and has no job and is only 19, and has no role models for a healthy relationship. She is not intentionally pregnant. She will have a lot more options in the future if she doesnt proceed with the pregnancy.

[ravenmum]

Barbie ' s OP stated that she did not want an abortion, hence my advice to spend time thinking about it ...

I'm not anti - abortion (which I guess makes me pro-abortion), but it would be sad if Barbie made a fast decision and later regretted it - surely simply knowing that you had thought carefully about your decision and spoken to professionals so you were fully informed about the different options would make you feel more secure in your choice?

I find it a little worrying that Barbie is being given misinformation like "either you abort or you will be a single mother", as if there were no other options.

[SelfCleaningVagina]

It wasn't remotely traumatic for me either. It was early and it was one of the quickest and easiest decisions of my life. I e n er regretted it for a second and I went on to have a lovely family with a man who loved me and still does. Whereas the father of the first pg was not right for me and we were not happy. I would have ended up a struggling young single mum.

People who advise a woman who has SAID she wants an abortion to take their time and get different opinions on their choices and really think about it just drag out the weeks and make it more traumatic by delaying it. The later the abortion the harder it will be.

[pregnantat50]

As you are pregnant and homeless

england.shelter.org.uk/housing_advice/homelessness/your_situation/homeless_help_your_situation_-_pregnant_women

These people can help you, there is a number there and you will be entitled to financial assistance and food coupons as you need to eat for both your sake and the babys.

I fell pregnant at 21, my parents insisted I had an abortion, I had an abortion and regreted it my whole life so do understand where you are coming from...but my parents also regretted it too and when I went on to have 3 children they were excellent grandparents. I know if I had gone ahead with the pregnancy my parents would have loved it and we would have made up

There is support out there for you xxx

[iamadaftcoo]

Abortion is traumatic too

Not for me it wasn't.

[starsorwater]

I don't know anything about you except this, you write very well for someone of your age and experience and that is a good thing to be able to do. I think one day you will have a better life. OU degrees are good, but they take so long. I wonder if there is a faster way to get your career moving, not give up the degree but maybe an apprenticeship/job with training as well. Because I think you need a life away from your dad. Sorry if I am speaking out of turn and good luck.

[GhostOfChristmasYetToCome]

Oh and I don't think anyone has 'trivialised' it

[GhostOfChristmasYetToCome]

It's not necessarily 'traumatic', Wan.

It's not a decision to be taken lightly, absolutely, but traumatic. No. For some, the alternative is far more so.

But she does need face to face advice, yes.

[WanMairChoon]

OP, please don't make any decisions without speaking to counselor of some description. Abortion is traumatic too, and not to be trivialised by strangers online. You need face to face advice.

[RebelSoldier]

Sending you strong wishes of support from South Wales OP.

I believe you will be a strong independent woman in a few years and be able to offer a lot of compassion and wisdom to others around you.

You haven't had a good start in life sadly and I'm sorry your parents let you down and that your mother died. The future really can be brighter . Make good choices. Look after yourself. You deserve happiness and love.

[ciele]

Hi
I'm a mum to daughters, 21 and 23. When the younger was 16 she was pretty wild and TBH her dad and I wanted her to have an abortion. I wanted her to have the best possible start in life she could and I didn't feel she was old enough or mature enough to do that with a baby.
But 19 is a lot different from 16 and you have much more common sense than she had. Thankfully she miscarried.
I'm sure you could manage. You will get housed and benefits etc but it will be hard.
A difficult choice but if you were my daughter, and I wish I could give you a hug, i would say you need the best possible start you can have in adult life. And that has to be interpreted how YOU choose.
Either way has good and bad consequences. Life is never black and white. X

[Earlgreywithmilk]

Hi barbie - just wanted to say I'm glad you have found some comfort on mumsnet - I can't imagine what it's been like for you losing your mum so young. For what it's worth I think you sound like an incredibly mature, lovely young woman with a good head on your shoulders. I hope whatever you decide to do you go on to have a happy and successful life - you deserve it.
God bless you x

[ThrowAwayBarbie]

Thanks guys and your advice has made things easier for me. Sorry its taken me so long to reply, i've not been very well today.
Accommodation wise, i went back and told them about my dad and what he had done and im still not allowed a place because im staying at a mates house so they see it as i have somewhere to live. Im going to ask my friend to write a letter to say that i can't stay much longer but i think i'll stay until the new year. Id rather get this thing sorted first and then move on.
Ive been in a lot of pain today so i dont know how much i can reply tonight but i'll keep trying to reply to you all.
To those who have been in a similar situation and to everyone else, thank you for sharing your stories with me, it actually makes me really happy to know things have worked out for you. It means a lot that you would share something like that with me especially when its really personal, so thank you.
To everyone showing concern, thank you. I don't think i've had this much support in my whole life, it does make a difference.

[HOHOHOvariesBeforeBrovaries]

SelfCleaning is right, I did mean to say that.

[SelfCleaningVagina]

*HoHoHoI is right of course, it is your body.

But much more importantly than that, it's your life.

[HOHOHOvariesBeforeBrovaries]

OP I just wanted to give you a big hug after reading this :(

I was pregnant at 19. I had DD, finished my degree on time, did very well, but I'm not going to bullshit you and say it was easy. It's been so so hard, and I had emotional support from parents and practical support from my DP. It's easy to stand in my position and say "I did it, so can you" but it would be disingenuous of me.

My parents reacted very badly at first and asked me to have an abortion. It very nearly destroyed my relationship with them, so I'd ask those posters who've said they'd tell their children to get an abortion, to consider the implications it may have. OP you needed support and love and instead you were pressured into something you felt uncomfortable with. Whatever you decide with regards to the pregnancy, you deserve better than the treatment you had at home.

Your decision is yours. I don't regret not having an abortion. A friend of mine had an abortion, and she doesn't regret having an abortion. Neither decision needs to be filled with regret for you. Making this choice is so difficult, I remember feeling so lost and everyone around me had some kind of agenda one way or another. No-one can tell you what to do. It's your body - don't listen to the posts saying "think of the baby"; don't listen to the "you won't succeed if you continue with this pregnancy", don't accept the rose-tinted "everything will be easy and shiny" glasses. Listen to the MNers telling you that whatever choice you make is valid and you deserve to be supported through it; you can succeed, you can have a perfectly functional family, whatever you choose. You can choose to start it now or start it later.

[GizmoFrisby]

Op I was in a position like yours however I had a very stable wealthy family and I still had an abortion. I don't regret it as it was right at the time. I had to have a medical under anaesthetic one and wasn't nice but it was the right thing at the time. Now 9 years later I have my own house, my own business and 2 beautiful Dcs. Honestly have a really good think about this. The benefit system is not something you can rely on, they are making cuts all the time. Just think if you do your degree and get a place on your own you can find a decent partner in your own time and have a proper non dysfunctional family.