Possible trigger - I'm 19 and i really could do with some mum advice please :(

[ThrowAwayBarbie]

Hi how is everyone?
I dont have a mum to ask so please can any mums here offer some advice?
Basically 2 weeks ago i ran away from home because my dad threatened to hit me. Id just found out on the day that i was 6 weeks pregnant i told my dad and he said i either leave or get an abortion. I couldnt get an abortion and we had an argument and he grabbed me so i ran away.
The babies dad doesnt know because hes married and i dont want to break up his family. It was a stupid drunk one night stand after a night out, i didnt know he was married i only found out when i looked for him on facebook and i saw his kids and his wife.
Right now im living a mates house, theyre really lovely its ok here but i know they do weed and coke sometimes and i hate drugs. Im a bit stuck because i dont know what i can do to help myself.
I need some help as to who to talk to about the baby, who to tlk to about moving somewhere safer and also how to get some food. Ive been eating 1 tin of soup a day for 2 weeks now because i only had £30 when i left and i feel really ill. I cant stay at my mates all day so im out at 8am until 6pm.
I know i did a horrible thing and i swear i really didnt know he was married. Please dont judge me because i already know im a horrible person. My mum passed away when i was 10 and i really wish she was here to help me. Do i go back home now? Where do i go?

[loobyloo1234]

Why does everyone keep asking the OP how old she is when it's there in the thread title?

Hope you're ok OP, some good advice above

[wishparry]

Get yourself to your local council office asap and get on the housing register.let them know your housemates use drugs (this will probably help shorten the length of time you have to wait for housing,or they may arrange for you to stay in a hostel or YWCA or something).please get yourself to a food bank or something.one tin of soup a day isn't good for anybody let alone a pregnant lady.
go to citizens advice,they will let you know what benefits you are entitled to.
I hope you find yourself in a better situation by the time the baby is born.
also it may be worth letting the dad know-he may be able to help you financially?

[ThrowAwayBarbie]

Hi i'm sorry i've only just got back to you all. I've been having a really horrible day :(
I went back home last night/early hours of today to get some ID to take to the council and my dad decided he was going to fake an overdose. All my life he's been a drinker and a drug user same with my mum. She even died of a drug overdose when i was 10 so when i saw my dad on the floor i just freaked out. Then to find out he had faked it all, i feel so sick. This probably sounds so messed up but i really don't want to be alive right now. I miss my mum. I'm not going to hurt myself and i have no intention of hurting myself but i feel so low that if i didn't wake up tomorrow then i wouldn't care. I hate my life and i can't stop crying.
The council said that because i left home i intentionally made myself homeless, and because i have somewhere to sleep then there's nothing they can do apart from put me on a list. I've managed to get a doctors appointment for next wednesday but the foodbank (i saw your suggestions as i had to do a read and run, sorry) is closed until Monday so i'll have to wait.
I went to the job center too and i have to go back on Monday to speak to a benefit advisor. The guy was an absolute arse and when i started crying he told me to get a f*g grip because nobody else got me into this mess.
I don't think i can keep this child. I can't afford to look after myself let alone a baby. I'd just be bringing a child into poverty and st. I never wanted this life and i always wished that someone nice would kidnap me so i could live with them. I hated my parents for my life, i don't want my own kid to hate me.
I'm really really sorry that my post isn't a happy one and i'm sorry if i've made you upset or annoyed at me. Thank you for your lovely words x

[ThrowAwayBarbie]

Sorry just reading through again and i forgot to answer some questions. I'm not in college or uni but i'm doing an Open Uni degree and i've just started my first year.
I'm 19.
My mum and dad have always been into drugs and drink. When my mum died, my dad stopped doing drugs for a long time but his drinking got worse and so many times when id come home from school he would be passed out in his own sick and pee so it was my job to clean him up and get him into bed or on the sofa.
I've no other brothers and sisters and i don't really know much about the rest of the family if im honest. I know mum fell out with dads family when i was really young and then dad fell out with mums family when mum died.
I really dont think i can tell the dad. His family look so perfect and he has two little boys. My family has always been broken and dysfunctional and i don't think i could do that to those boys. I mean it was pretty much my fault anyway, i was pretty drunk and kept pestering him for a drink so he eventually got me one. Next thing i remember im at this hotel and hes asleep next to me. I'd never even been with a man before him. I was that ashamed that i literally ran home and hid.
So yeah, thats it. I feel like such a horrible person for all of this. Ive made such a mess of everything

[LivinOnAChair]

Oh my god OP, what a shitty time you've had I'm sorry that the support you should have received had been clearly lacking!
Have you got a pregnancy assessment centre near you (usually within your local hospital)? They might be able to help.
Also when you spoke to the council did you mention that you had to leave because of threats of violence?
Please don't rush into anything either way, you need to find yourself some support. You also should definitely get in touch with the baby's father, because actually contrary to what that unhelpful prick at the job centre said, somebody else did get you into your current situation and he should be held accountable.
I hope you get some much needed RL support soon

[ravenmum]

Sorry to hear that you've met with such unhelpful people today. Don't let that put you off of asking for help - just keep looking for more helpful people. Eventually you will come across someone less useless. Sounds like you made the right decision to keep away from your dad. I don't suppose you have any aunties or anything that you could go to for help?

My brother used to go "skipping", i.e. looking for food thrown away by supermarkets - don't know if that would be an option for you? I know the idea is disgusting to some, but in fact you can find perfectly decent food that is only just past its sell by date that way, so he tells me - obviously avoiding anything that would really go off. There are even communities/forums where you might get information. If you are in a big town there might also be a food swapping network online, where people post food they would otherwise throw away.

Do you think your friends will continue to support you? If you have any doubts, maybe next time don't say that you have a place to stay. And underline the fact that your dad chased you out, rather than saying that you left of your own choice. You didn't choose to leave, you had to.

My daughter is 19 too, and no, of course she couldn't afford to look after herself now - but she will be able to in a few years' time, the same as you. You do not just have two choices. You could, for example, apply to put the baby in foster care until you are more sorted out. You need to speak to a professional about this, and until you get help you do not need to make any decisions.

[hellsbellsmelons]

You have not made a horrible mess of things.
You've had a crap start in life.
You really have. I can't even begin to imagine what it's been like for you.
My heart breaks knowing what you've had to put up with from your parents.

What did shelter say to you?
They may have a better way of getting you some accommodation.
Make sure you tell them absolutely everything about your current living situation.
Alcoholic, aggressive father, the whole lot.

Is there an Al-Anon near you?
They can really help with supporting you with your alcoholic dad.
They are there for people that need some support and it may be a really good thing for you to do.

You say our dad 'threatened' to hit you.
Has he threatened this before?
Has he been physically abusive to you in the past?

I'm so sorry you lost your mum.

You don't have to tell the father unless you plan on keeping the baby.
The fact you pestered him for a drink, does not make him, breaking his vows and cheating on his wife, YOUR fault. It really doesn't!
So don't go down that thought process at all.

Is there a Marie Stopes centre near you?
Have a google.
They can help you with the decision on what your options are with regards the pregnancy.
If you really don't think you can continue (and that is totally your decision and nothing wrong with it) then the sooner you can get things sorted out the better.

I really want to reach the screen and give you a big fat (((((((HUG)))))))

[ravenmum]

I really dont think i can tell the dad. His family look so perfect and he has two little boys. My family has always been broken and dysfunctional and i don't think i could do that to those boys. I mean it was pretty much my fault anyway
Wait a few weeks, until you have decided what you are planning to do. If you do go ahead and have the baby ... well, as a mum, NO WAY would I let this man get away scot free. It is not "your fault": he is the responsible adult here and the one who knew he was cheating. His family is not perfect as the dad is sleeping around. You haven't done anything to his boys; he has. My ex cheated on me, and I don't give a hoot about the role the OW played. Also, even if his cheating leads to divorce (which it may not), that will not put his sons in as shitty a position as you have been in.

[ravenmum]

We know that, banana. Could well be a troll. And? Could well be true, too. Same as every other post on here. Personally I either ignore it or spend a few seconds posting something that, if it won't help the person posting, might give someone else some useful tips or food for thought. Doesn't hurt me, doesn't hurt anyone else.

[Grescille]

If you were my dd (she's 18) I would give you a massive hug.

Feed you a meal.

Then try and persuade you to get an abortion.

You are young, the father won't help, this doesn't have to happen.

[Grescille]

Please break the cycle. Wait until you have your degree and are in a loving committed relationship before having a child.

[iamadaftcoo]

I'm sorry to say it but I agree with Grescille

[SaltySeaBird]

Are you willing to say where abouts in the country you are?

[Tumtitum]

Sorry haven't rtf so sorry if repeating but make a homeless application through your council and if you haven't done so already see GP as the council will want your pregnancy confirmed. They should place you in temporary accommodation but will probably try not to! Shelter are very good with advice and maybe Women's Aid too as your dad threatened to hit you? Good luck

[Brenna24]

I would second people's advice to try Shelter and Womens Aid. I would also recommend going to local churches to try and get food to see you through until the foodbank opens on monday. The catholic churches especially are very keen to support people to help them keep their babies. The run up to christmas is a good time to get temporary jobs in retail. I saw lots of signs up in shop windows in edinburgh last weekend when we were there.

Don't make any hasty decisions regarding the pregnancy. You have plenty of time yet and once you have had a week or two to get yourself sorted you may feel like you have other options. But do see a gp. Also try and get some cheap folic acid tables from a chemist or supermarket. You need to be taking that at this stage.

Long term if you decide to keep the baby I would not be letting the man off the hook. It was his choice to sleep with you and your baby has as many rights to a father as his other boys. It is going to be hard for him and his wife but they will find out some day. Better sooner than later.

Good luck

[PoldarksBreeches]

Are you up to reporting your dad to the police? He threatened you, and with a police report you could argue your case with housing that you fled domestic abuse rather than made yourself intentionally homeless.
Housing and benefits are very tricky to negotiate but once you have them in place you will be able to have this baby if you choose to. It's not going to be easy but it will be possible.
Is there a YMCA type service for young people near you?

[FlouncedBack]

Telling the married father about your pregnancy doesn't mean his family
will break up, OP. He will probably want to keep it private from his wife, it's up to him to decide who he tells - if you don't want them to know.
Good luck, sweetie and please ph the Samaritans when you get low and despair.

[typedwithcertainty]

Oh OP I hope you are okay and I'm sorry no one seems to be helping you.

Do you feel comfortable to say roughly where you are in the country?

[MinkyWinky]

Just want to say, well done for starting an OU course. It will stand you in good stead when you finish it.

Otherwise, everyone has given you good advice. Just wanted to offer you an unMumsnetty Hug. You're in a horrible situation at the moment.

[ThrowAwayBarbie]

Hi sorry, just reading your replies.
Banana, i'm really not a troll. I've not asked anyone for anything other than advice, and nobody has given or offered me anything other than advice. I don't have any history because i didn't even know about this site until i over heard someone talking about it a few days ago. I just thought with the name mumsnet, that there would be mums here who could advise me. I've honestly not asked for any money, food, items and nobody has offered me anything either. I understand people being wary, i just needed people to talk to because i can't do this alone.

I'll answer everyone else's questions now as best as i can. Thanks for being patient with me.
I'm not sure about the pregnancy assessment center i didn't know there was such a thing so thanks for pointing it out to me, i'll google it later.
I've heard of skipping but i've not done it myself because i thought i'd probably be the only dumb-dumb to get caught lol. I'll see if my friends are up for it :) Sounds like it could be fun.
I've not spoke to anyone at Shelter but i've just sent an email requesting a call back to see what help i can get. I'll make sure to let them know what happened.
Dads always been this way for as long as i can remember. He does have nice bits about him and we have had the odd day where hes be awesome but then he goes too far with the drink.
Just googled Marie Stopes but there's no clinic in my area.
Thank you for the hugs, support and advice. It really does mean so much to me right now x

[Grescille]

Please don't have this baby

[Bluntness100]

Op, i have to be honest, I also agree with grescille. this doesn't have to happen.

[ThrowAwayBarbie]

Sorry just seen the extra messages. I'm in North Wales near Llandudno but in a rural area, sorry i can't give more. I'm just scared someone who knows me will see this and know it's me.

I think you're all right though. Its probably best to not carry on with this anymore. I just cant provide a place where a kid can feel safe and happy especially when i'm not feeling safe or happy either. Right now ive nothing to offer a kid. At least this way i dont have to tell the guy and he can keep his family. Nobody else will have to know about it

[SpidersFromMars]

I agree with others that you need a plan for when the baby gets here.
I can understand your thought of carrying on the pregnancy because you don't want an abortion - but that might be putting your wishes over those of your potential child. You need to think of them when you decide.

For the foodbank you first need a voucher. You can get one from GP, CAB etc - but without it, you won't be able to pick up food from the foodbank.